Figurehead Has Heart Attack. Disagreement Ensues.
By Joshua Burns

Just yesterday King Zora, ruler of Zora's Domain, suffered from a heart attack at five o'clock in the afternoon.

Witnesses of the spectacle include Princess Ruto, daughter of the king. According to her, King Zora had been sitting on his throne, discussing foreign policy with his advisor, when he fell off his throne and hit the ground with tremendous force. Ruto screamed, and the advisor immediately ran to get medical attention.

King Zora was carried to the hospital ward at lightning pace (not that fast), where he was then diagnosed with a major case of heart disease. However, Dr. Ivan Roberts, the leading heart surgeon of Zora's Domain, was shocked that King Zora even survived.

"I have never seen so much adipose tissue in one place," said Roberts. "It's amazing that the only outcome of this whole ordeal was shock to the family."

King Zora seems to suffer from something called adipose malnorma, a disorder that generates an unnecessary amount of fat in the thoracic and abdominal cavities. According to Dr. Roberts, this is the reason behind the king's sudden heart attack.

"King Zora, contrary to popular belief, has a very healthy diet," said the doctor. "This diet includes a variety of home-grown fruits, nuts, and white meats. In other words, the only thing that keeps him from being healthy as a horse would be his case of adipose malnorma."

While there is no known cure for the disorder, Roberts is busy looking for one.

"Research shows that adipose malnorma is a hereditary disorder. This could cause some problems in the finding of a cure."

In the meantime, the doctor has asked King Zora to quit his rule over Zora's Domain and declare his daughter as the sole authority over the state. The king agreed, and he is now only a figurehead, so to speak, the real ruler now being Ruto.

"I agree it is for the best of the state," said King Zora from his hospital ward. "If I were to have another heart attack and die, Zora's Domain would be thrown into anarchy until my daughter had the common sense to declare the title of ruler. This way, she won't be forced to make such a decision so quickly."

However, a certain foreign ruler is not too thrilled about the decision. This would be Darunia, head of the Goron state.

"Ruto is much too young to be handling Zoran affairs," said the king of the Gorons. "The Zoras and the Gorons have been partners in trade and business for years. What kind of decisions would such a young ruler make? There's a possibility that our economy will go down, sending both states into a crisis."

Princess Ruto, however, seems to disagree.

"I'm fourth in a class of forty-two," said the now current ruler of Zora's Domain. "I've been nominated as class treasurer and have had straight A's ever since my first year at the Zora's Domain elementary school. Mr. Darunia needs to stop being such a hater and needs to chillax."

Copyright April Hylian Times