There comes a time in every man's life where he has to face his fears. Only a few days after Shino's accident, I went back to the river only one time. Now, as a grown man, I stood in the same spot I had been in all those years ago.
The river seemed so much smaller, and it seemed almost impossible that anyone could ever be swept away. Yet, somehow, it had happened, and I had seen it all happen.
The muddy banks clung to my shoes and I marched in place to pull them out, and then, inexplicably, I began to wade out into the water. It's inappropriate to have such a fear of water, especially at this age.
The water flowed around me, reaching only up to my ankles. Deeper and deeper I went until I was nearly in the middle of the river. It was cold. Of course it was cold, it was in the middle of February. I was surprised the water wasn't frozen.
My teeth were chattering as the bottom of my jacket became submerged. And, as I moved down the river to the place where I remembered seeing Shino go under for the final time, it reached up to my crossed arms.
I didn't know what I expected to find, aside from hypothermia. I ran a hand through my hair, which I soon regretted because I managed to get myself wetter up top. I stared down the river until it turned, and then back at where I had started.
"He must have seen me here before he went under," I concluded, imagining myself standing on the bank. Had he been waiting for me to do something? Did he understand that there was nothing I could have possibly done?
No, no. He was unconscious so it was impossibly that he saw me. In fact, I bet he was already dead at that point. Not many people can live after getting a kunai to the back of the head.
I made my way back to the bank and out of the water. I was shivering uncontrollably as I sat down in the mud. One more time, I glanced down the river. "It wasn't this cold that day…"
It would have been his fortieth birthday today. I knocked on his front door and his wife answered the door. As soon as she saw me, she hugged me. It's been eighteen years since it happened.
"What brings you here?" she said as if it wasn't obvious.
"Shino's birthday… isn't it?" I said, but both of us knew.
"Yes… today." She said as if she hadn't been keeping track as well.
"I'm so sorry about—"
"…It was eighteen years ago…I let go." She smiled pleasantly. "And I never hated you. You couldn't have been expected to dive in a river with your injuries."
I sighed helplessly, forcing the image of Shino's body being swept away.
"Besides…" she added quietly. "He was dead before he hit the water anyway…" She shook her head and tried to smile. "Now where are your girls?"
"I came alone." I replied. "I didn't tell them where I was going."
"It's okay to cry." She said, touching the side of my face. "In all my years of knowing you, I never saw you cry."
"It's my fault." I said. She didn't say anything. "It's my fault Shino died. I was supposed to be covering his back. If I had been doing that instead of trying to take care of everything by myself, then he'd still be alive."
She put her both her hands on my shoulders. "Don't ever think that." She said. "Don't ever think that. You were on a mission, and we all know the risks. Whatever happened that day had nothing to do with you. You did nothing to Shino."
She let go of me.
"Thank you." I said.
"Oh nothing." She tried to laugh, but it was obvious she was trying to hide her tears.
I brought Hinata and my daughters to his grave. I had never done this before.
Aburame Shino.
That's all it said. I always thought it should say something more.
I think deep down inside, she knew that he was gone forever, so that's why she never cried over him. And I suspect that perhaps I knew it as well.
"Aburame Shino," said my youngest as she crouched down in front of the gravestone. "Sorry we didn't come sooner."
"Would have been great to hear some stories about you." Chimed another as she looked at me with a frown.
I frowned back at her.
Hinata laid a flower on the grass. "You should be proud of yourself, though. You were a great ninja, a great teammate, and a great friend."
We stood in silence in front of him for a long time.
"Ready to go?" I asked, shivering in the cold.
"Yes." She stood up.
As we all walked away from the grave, I looked back one more time. After all these years, maybe I had some closure once and for all.