Lots of editing was done to this one:) Enjoy!

Chapter 3

Gafinalan

We rested in the living room as we usually had begun to do. We usually slept in our own, hidden room with it's grass covered floor. But Mertil and I still needed to clear away the wreckage from our adventure with the Animorphs, so now we often ended up sleeping in the bedroom that was at the back of the house and with windows that faced the yard and greenhouse.

We were both quiet that evening, as usual. What did two males whose lives had both come to such dark and twisted ends have to say to one another? There was no joy in our lives except eachother's company, but no hope for honour for either, so our company was not merry. There was no light for us, no hope of love or marriage. No sons to be proud of and admire. No other Andalites even knew we were still alive. Any Andalite I had ever cared for on the home world probably thought I was dead and had moved on with their life.

Most evenings, Mertil and I would find something to entertain ourselves, such as listening to human music on the radio or watching the telivision in the living room. Absorbing this strange society we were surrounded by and yet could not entirely immerse ourselves into provided some amusement, even a means of escape and distraction from our pains for a while. Mertil enjoyed the 'crossword' puzzles in the newspaper. Sometimes he required my aide with unfamiliar human words and ideas.

(What is a four-letter synonym for 'chair,' Gafinalan?) he asked me, spying over the paper this time.

I thought for a moment. I was grading papers from the University where I still worked in disguise as a human. I was watched by Yeerks still, of course, but they did not seem concerned enough to desire to stop me. The Visser knew well that he had no use for either Mertil or myself now. We lived, for the most part, in peace.

(A 'seat.') I told him.

(Curious,) Mertil mused, filling in the word. An Andalite who cannot morph would not have such a concept as a 'seat.' I was quite familiar with a chair. I used one each day, sitting in my office at my desk.

Mertil was silent for a while, enjoying the puzzle. I could see the amusement in his main eyes at such odd vocabulary. I eyesmiled as I observed my friend for a moment. I was happy when Mertil was peaceful and not fussing over me or worrying over my pains. It was worth it sometimes to not even mention it as the pain grew, just to be able to see him relaxed and enjoying himself, even over something so small. My greatest fear for my dearest friend was the isolation that would face him when I died. I knew he would never desire to share the forest with that snotty, upstart Aristh, and while one Animorph seemed to pay a special interest in him, I sensed that he would be alone most of the time.

My eyes settled on his tail stump - a grotesque and painful reminder of those early days after our crash. I was not uncomfortable looking at his tail stump, for I had looked at it often to clean it and make sure it was healing properly. But it grieved me all the same, of course. Remembering those early days, I could feel the edge of the agonizing guilt that had threatened to destroy what was left of my sanity and desire to live when I saw what I had done to my friend with so careless a mistake at the helm of my fighter. Now Mertil was maimed horribly and for the rest of his life, since he could not morph. He would always be isolated, and no normal Andalite other than myself, would ever be able to look beyond his tail stump and see the good, decent Andalite attached to it.

I sensed Mertil's eyes watching mine after a moment, and I quickly looked away. He had finished his crossword, I noticed. He spoke.

(What if...)

(What Mertil?) He was speaking too softly. (What is it?) I asked gently.

(What if...what if I had died? I...) his breathing was shallow and sharp. I instantly regretted staring so openly at the very core of his humiliation.

(I am glad you did not, Mertil.) I said truthfully and quickly.

(What...what if I had died, though? I...surely I would not be...I would not be...)

(What, Mertil?)

He said nothing more for a while. I began to worry. His body was fine, but...his sanity... I moved over to sidle him.

(Mertil?) I said, shaking his shoulder gently. (Be what, Mertil?)

(A...a worthless, disgusting, piece of t-trash!) He cried out, the pain welling in his eyes.

(MERTIL!) I said, angrily.

(A filthy, grotesque, spineless, cowardly little-)

(Mertil!) I said, now feeling more hurt than angry, really.

(VECOL! A dependant, weak, sniveling wretch of a-)

(Mertil, stop it!) I yelled, grabbing his shoulders.

(used-to-be warrior! A filthy, useless nobody! A horrible, hideous-)

(MERTIL! I SAID STOP IT!) I screamed at him in thoughtspeak.

He fell silent, ashamed, trembling quietly with sorrow. Andalites cannot cry in the sense that humans do. We cry in our hearts, and it hurts there, I think, just as much as it must for humans.

I groaned in pain and rubbed my forehead. He looked up at me, still shaking, now looking guilty.

(Gafinalan? Gafinalan! Are you alright?) I shook my head. (Oh, I'm sorry Gafinalan, I didn't mean to make you feel-)

(No! No, no. It is not you. You did not...) I sighed and rubbed my head, now pounding with a headache. My back hurt too.

(Come, Gafinalan.) He said, gently. He slowly stood up on all four of his hooves, an often difficult task without a tail to balance him. He then put his hands underneath my arm.

(No Mertil, I am fine! I do not need your help,) I laughed, incredulous at how he was always eager to help an Andalite at least a hundred Earth pounds heavier than he, and much larger in size.

(Come now, let me help you!) He pulled away from me as I stood and tried to get him to lie back down. ( You are worrying me. You should take more naps during the day!)

(Oh for goodness sakes, Mertil!) I laughed, exasperated. (You sound like a mother!)

But he merely eyesmiled and tried to support my torso with his shoulder. It was funny, really. Sort of comical. After all, he could hardly be expected to support me! But I let him help me out of the living room to the bedrooms.

He helped me onto one of the beds. It was more comfortable for me to lie on, as my muscles were...weakening. My whole bone structure was becoming more delicate, as much as I hated to admit it, so much as even think about it, so if I tried to sleep standing as Andalites normally do, I would fall down somewhere in the night, giving me a bad shock and possibly bruises. If I slept on the floor, there would be definite bruises. Thus, the strange and fluffy human bed was inevitable.

Mertil himself lie on his stomach on the floor, eyesmiling a little at me. I could remember the first time he had tried to stand in that instant, without his tail, and the memory made my hearts ache. I could also remember the first night he had realized that he had to sleep on his belly now, since sleeping on his hooves required balance. I could remember the shame in his face, as he lowered himself to sleep while I stood and kept guard in the dark forest in which we hid.

I lay silently, waiting for him to speak. I knew he wanted to talk about something, but I had no idea what it could be. Other than crosswords and human culture, we never really conversed of much else, our old lives being almost a taboo subject.

(Ga-Gafinalan?) He said, sounding tired and at the very edge of his wits. He was still shaking. I longed then to hold him with Andalite arms as humans did with eachother. Since the day we met as children, I knew that Mertil was the shorm of my destiny. I knew he would never betray me or hurt me or let me down. To see him this way...it was like being in the 'Hell' that some humans believed in.

(Yes Mertil?) I said, gently. I was so tired. So tired from the pains of the day, and the worrying over the stress and sorrow it caused my friend. Oh it had worn me down. Made my stomachs churn and weakened me. I was always growing weaker...I could feel it. Never slowing, and it would never stop. Soola's disease was well on it's way, eating away at my system.

(D-do you remember...er...) He sighed. (Do you remember Darischa?)

I thought a little. My pounded with each beat of my hearts.

(Eh...Darischa...Darischa...) I tried to remember. (Oh! Darischa, that...that nurse, right? She was a nurse was she not?!)

(Yes!) He said, happily. (Yes, she was a nurse! Goodness, Gafinalan! You have the memory that would make anyone jealous!) He was smiling and sitting up straight, now. His eyes were shining and he looked strangely happy; as if he'd just gotten back from visiting Darischa. (I had actually forgotten she was a nurse...Can you...can you believe it?)

(Yes well,) I said, eyesmiling. (It has been so long since we were on the home world...so much has happened. I mean, I would remember her. You two were going to get married were you not?) I stopped suddenly. I looked at him again.

His eyes were hazy. He was just staring at the bed below me.

(Y-yes. Yes...we were...) The poor fellow. He sounded dazed. It frightened me, the look in his eyes. When Andalites have gone through as much trauma as Mertil had experienced, in so short a time period, their minds begin to break. It is difficult to explain. Humans experience this too, from what I can tell, but oddly enough from what I have seen, they seem to have a higher threshhold mentally for stress than we Andalites. Andalites are wired with optimism, but I have never seen such determination and ambition as I have in humans.

I eyesmiled and tried to change the conversation, (Ah, I remember the academy! Remember the academy, Mertil?)

He smiled sadly at me, a little bitterly. (Yes, Gafinalan. I remember the academy. It was where she and I met.)

(Oh, well I-) I laughed a little, nervously. I had forgotten about that as well. 'Fool!' I thought.

(It is alright, Gafinalan. Good night. Sleep well.)

(Mertil-) I started to get up.

But with that, he left the room. Angry at myself and him, and ashamed, I lie back down and tried to drift off.

I sighed. I should have just talked with him about her. He had obviously wanted to. He needed to...

Why hadn't I?

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