Yugioh

DUEL – a RENT parody

Disclaimer: Although I wish I owned the cast of Yugioh, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

Rating: R for language and adult content

Genre: Angst/Romance/Humor

Pairings: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

Summary: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Isis Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

Note: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

Also note: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

Also, also note: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

TUNE UP #2

JOU

Tell the folks at home what you're

Doing Malik.

MALIK

I'm writing one great song –

JOU

The phone rings.

MALIK

Yesss!

JOU

We screen.

MALIK AND JOU'S ANSWERING MACHINE

"Speak" (Beeeep!)

(Lights fade up on the street: the front-door area of JOU and MALIK'S building. Nearby is a battered public pay phone. YAMI BAKURA stands at the phone.)

BAKURA

"Chestnuts roasting" –

MALIK AND JOU

Bakura!

BAKURA

I'm downstairs.

JOU

Hey!

BAKURA

Malik picked up the phone?

JOU

No, it's me.

BAKURA

Throw down the key.

(JOU pulls out a small leather pouch and drops it off the apron downstage center as if from a window; a weighted leather pouch plops down from "upstairs." BAKURA catches it.)

JOU

A wild night is now pre-ordained.

(Two THUGS appear from above, with clubs. They are obviously close to attacking BAKURA, who says back into the phone...)

BAKURA

I may be detained.

(THUGS mime beating and kicking BALURA, who falls to the ground as lights on him fade.)

JOU

What does he mean…?

(phone rings)

What do you mean detained?

(Lights come up on ANZU, who's on a cellular phone.)

ANZU

Ho, ho, ho!

JOU AND MALIK

Anzu! Shit.

ANZU

Boys, I'm on my way.

JOU AND MALIK

Great! Fuck.

ANZU

I need the rent.

JOU

What rent?

ANZU

This past year's cards which I let slide.

JOU

Let slide? You said we were "golden."

MALIK

When you bought the building.

JOU

When we were roommates.

MALIK

Remember – you lived here?

ANZU

How could I forget?

You, me, Bakura, and Seto.

How is the fellow?

JOU

He's dueling tonight.

ANZU

I know.

Still his dueling manager?

JOU

Two days ago, I was bumped.

ANZU

You still dating him?

JOU

Last month I was dumped.

MALIK

He's in love.

ANZU

He's got a new man?

JOU
Well, you see –

ANZU
What's his name?

JOU AND MALIK
Yami.

ANZU

Cards, my amigos, are due

Or I will have to evict you.

Be there in a few.

(MALIK defiantly picks out Musetta's theme from Puccini's La Boheme on the electric guitar. The fuse blows on the amp.)

JOU
The power blows…