Dear Lumine,
It has been over half a year since our last meeting, according to Paimon. That makes it over a year since I met Paimon. Do you think it is strange when the concept of time like days, months, and years, suddenly feels like it does not seem to matter anymore?
Paimon had told him the sunset looked more beautiful that night compared to last night and Aether did not have the heart to tell his friend that he did not care about the difference.
(It was a lie, he cared about it, he cared a lot about it. But that day, the weight of the world had finally caught up to him, and he cared not to be reminded of what he could no longer see.)
We did manage to find a way to Inazuma in the end. We hitchhiked on a pirate ship, the Alcor, captained by Beidou of the Crux. I wonder if the Alcor looked like the ships we saw in the other worlds.
I have been following what you wanted me to do, to travel the world and see the truth of the end, but I have been having doubts. What is it that you want me to see? To tell you the truth, I am scared, terrified, of what I might find at the end. What was it that you saw that caused you to turn away from me? Will what I find bring me closer to you or would it divide the gap between us further?
In his dreams, Aether would sometimes fight against an unknown foe, only to see the face of Lumine when his sword pierced through her body. At times, he would watch as she walked away from him, never once looking back even as Aether called her name over and over. The ones that scared him the most, were the ones where there was nothing. He would look down and see himself, as he remembered before he was blinded, but the world around him was nothing but eternal darkness. There was no sound, no life all around him. In this world, he was completely alone.
Travelling to Inazuma had been filled with danger. The seas were rough and the storm barrier surrounding Inazuma had been tough to get through. There were many times where I would lose my balance, unable to tell where was up and where was down. I had to stay below deck because there was nothing I could do to help. The wet deck of the ship would blend with the sea, the thunder would overpower my senses, and I have no experience working on a ship. I was a liability.
Aether slammed against the wooden wall of his cabin as the world he could not see spun all around him. He fell to the ground, closing his eyes in a futile attempt to chase away the giddiness while Paimon fluttered worriedly around him. He curled up into himself, making him smaller, as if to protect himself from the thunder roaring outside. After the Alcor broke through the storm, Kazuha and Paimon had to spend hours coaxing Aether out of his shell.
Kazuha said I was wrong when I told him. Beidou agreed with him, and so did Paimon, but they are wrong, all of them are wrong.
It was getting harder to hide the dark depressing thoughts that would occasionally drift to the forefront of his mind. It was getting harder to pretend that everything was okay. It was getting harder to care about the plight of others, especially the people he did not know. And Aether wondered how much longer it would be until he stopped caring entirely.
When we arrived in Inazuma, Thoma was there to welcome us. At that time, I did not know that Thoma was from Mondstadt. Paimon had told me he looked different from the people of Inazuma but what difference does it make? I do not know what the people of Inazuma even look like!
Anyway, Thoma told me much later that he was shipwrecked and was washed ashore onto the land of Inazuma. I asked him why he did not return to Mondstadt when he could, and he told me that he swore a vow so he could no longer return. Lumine, is that why you won't return home with me? Because you made a promise to someone in this world?
"If you could return home, just for a few days, would you?"
"...I don't think I can. I have people here who need me, people more important to me than the ones at Mondstadt. Even if my mother is still waiting for me, I think she'll understand the reason why I can't return right now. But one day? I do want to return one day."
In the case of Thoma, he has a home in Mondstadt and in Inazuma. For us, our home is supposed to be each other, not this foreign world. But now? Where is our home now? Is it the world we were born from, where I can barely remember the memories of that place? Is it by your side where you chased me away? Tell me Lumine, where is our home?
On first impression, Inazuma is vastly different from Liyue and Mondstadt and most of it I suspect, is due to its isolated status compared with the other nations. In that nation, I obtained the power to use Electro and my Elemental Sight was upgraded to let me see further and longer. Paimon thinks that it has to be one of the lamest upgrades so far, I disagree. It may not change what I can see but it changes the way I can use it. I can see the ocean from where I stood, where before I could not. I could use my Elemental Sight and my body would not break from its use.
I could be normal again.
Aether stared down at the white silhouette of his hands and wondered at what point did he start thinking of this as something normal. Was it after Lumine turned her back on him? Was it because he had spent too long being in this world? Or was it when he had finally accepted that he would never get his sight back?
We met with Thoma again who took us to the Kamisato Estate to meet the lady of the Kamisato Clan. We fought together on the way there, side-by-side. He had never once looked down on me, even moving to cover the holes in my defences, just like how you used to do it. It was like I finally got back the missing piece I never knew. It made me miss having someone by my side to cover me.
I want someone to be by my side, to fight with me, to eat together, to share stories over the campfire. I want to feel the warmth of someone close to me again. I do not want to be alone again but I do not think I will be able to trust another person enough to let them stay by my side for the long-term, not anymore.
Aether woke up, healed from his second battle against the Raiden Shogun. Paimon told him that Sangonomiya Kokomi had healed him when he was unconscious but rather than feel grateful about it, Aether wondered what kind of debt he had incurred this time.
Paimon may be my friend, but she could never replace you.
We met Ayaka next and she showed me another world in the land of Inazuma, a world without Visions. It was terrifying to know what losing a Vision could do to you. You would lose a part of yourself, your ambition, and most people do not recover from it. The people whom I have met told me that Visions are gifts from the gods. I do not understand because we are outlanders of this world, we were not given Visions and we never will. I cannot understand because to me, Visions are not gifts, they are a curse.
Aether remembered when he returned to Watatsumi Island with the feeling of dread grasping his heart with its cold claws. He remembered finding Teppei lying on the ground, confused, only for his confusion to turn into worry when Paimon gasped loudly beside him. He remembered the crushing guilt when he realised that Teppei was dying right before him and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
However, even if I do not view Visions the same way as the people of this world do, I do not believe that the Electro Archon had the right of way to take them from those people, especially her own people who trusted her.
Aether ran towards the Vision Hunt Ceremony with Paimon leading the way. As he watched the ceremony with his Elemental Sight, he caught sight of Thoma's Vision flying in the air, the red glow a beacon in the darkness. Without thinking, he channelled Electro into his muscles and bones, strengthening them, before pushing the energy down to power up his jump as he leaped into the air to snatch the Vision away from the Raiden Shogun's grasp.
I tried to stop her from taking a Vision belonging to a friend. I was impulsive, impatient, and dumb. I ran in without a plan, thinking that because I had survived the wrath of a god, I would be able to survive the wrath of an Archon.
I was wrong.
Aether curled into himself, forcing himself to breath steadily as he rode out the phantom pain that ran through his body. The wound may be healed and gone, but the body still remembered the lightning's glow.
I was heavily injured from the stunt I pulled. I was barely aware of everything, barely awake. All I could remember was the burning pain that would not go away. When I was awake, the pain would take me under. When I was aware enough to drink, all I could do was sip slowly and choke when the pain came back to ravage me. I did not dream, I did not sleep.
When I woke up, the pain no longer suffocating me, I found myself indebted to a commander who bid me to slaughter for the sake of saving her people. I would have been willing to give my trust to them, but she decided to shackle me to her by claiming I owed a life's debt.
I gave my trust to the people and they trampled all over it.
The sting of betrayal from Liyue that Aether had soothed over with time came back with a burning vengeance.
I have never told her about my blindness the entire time I was in the resistance. You would call me petty, Lumine, but truth be told, that was only one of the reasons why. I just did not want her to have more leverage against me. Once I have served my due, I will leave the resistance. If I must leave Inazuma to get away from everything, then I will.
"You are blind? Why didn't you tell me?" Kokomi asked as she sat down on the stool beside the bed Aether was lying on. Kazuha stood near the door, leaning against the wall beside the frame, keeping watch over his friend and ensuring that Kokomi would not try anything that would harm Aether.
"I had no reason to," Aether said, hugging Paimon tighter while Paimon allowed him without any complaints.
"No reason to? I might be able to fix your disability, is that not a reason to tell me?"
"And what, let you hold it above my head? What kind of debt would I owe you if you healed away my blindness? Are you planning to bind me to your cause forever?"
"I would never-"
"Don't lie to me!" Aether shouted, interrupting Kokomi.
"I'm not lying to you," Kokomi said, her voice tired. She moved to place a hand on Aether's, only for Aether to slap the hand away.
"Leave!" Aether ordered, turning his head away from Kokomi. Paimon flew out of Aether's hold to push Kokomi out of the room while Kazuha pushed himself off the wall, ready to react if things took a turn for the worst.
"Traveller, please-"
"I said leave! Go away! Leave me alone!" Aether shouted, covering his ears as he curled into the bed to make himself smaller.
The door slammed shut not a minute later, Kokomi forcefully escorted out of the room by Kazuha and Paimon, while Aether sobbed into the blankets alone.
I hope that you would understand why I do not wish to stay in Inazuma for any longer than I have to. I cannot appreciate the beauty of this land when the memories I have of this country are tainted by the treatment I have received from the people.
"Paimon, let's go somewhere far away, anywhere but here."
"Aether, stop trying to get up! You need to rest!"
However, I will acknowledge that even with those bad experiences, I do not outright hate Inazuma and its people. How could I? A country is not made of a few people who scorn those born outside their country. I may not like this country but I cannot bring myself to hate it.
"Thank you for saving this country and I apologise for the burden that we have placed on you," Ayaka said, kneeling down onto the ground and lowering herself until her forehead touched the wooden floor.
"I didn't do it for you," Aether said, never once looking in Ayaka's direction.
"I know, but I must thank you and apologise regardless. Please, do not let what happened taint your view of the world. And if you must find fault in it, then place the blame on me for it was I who placed that debt upon your shoulders."
When I was in the resistance, I was thankful that Kazuha, a friend from Inazuma whom I met in Liyue, stayed by my side. Not in the literal sense though! I am just grateful that I was not alone in this new world. It was not to say that Paimon was not by my side but rather, I do not think Paimon would understand the fear of change. Paimon goes with the flow of change, she is never static, always moving. But me? Lumine, I think you know the kind of person I am, especially for us long-lived people, change is frightening.
"It's not that I don't want change to happen. It's scary, yes. But change is important, it lets us move on," Aether said to Ei.
Ei did not comment or argue but the thoughtful expression on her face was an unseen answer to Aether's statement.
In the resistance, I was given my own team to command. I am not sure why I was given a team to lead. I have no experience leading a team and no experience working with these people. It was my first day in the resistance! I think it was Kokomi's way of tying me to the resistance but I also do not think that is correct. But anyway, back to the point I wanted to make, the thought of commanding people and to be personally responsible for their lives, how do you do it Lumine?
I know that commanding an entire army is different from commanding a small team but the weight of responsibility is no less heavy, at least that is what I think.
"You want to know what it feels like to lead an army?" Sara asked, blinking in surprise. "I suppose I would say that it is not an easy job to have. A leader must choose the best course of action for the people below them, even if it means forcing everyone to walk down a thorny road."
Out of everyone in my team, one of them stood out to me. Unlike the rest of the team, Teppei was different. He was the runt of the team, no Vision, no skill that stood out from the rest. My very existence was the very opposite of his and even then, he wanted to be useful to me. He wanted to be helpful and I let my bitterness with Kokomi replace the good intentions I should have shown him. I am not a leader, I should never have become one. What would you have done, Lumine? I think between you and me, you should have been the one to lead this team.
I tried to assign roles but I did not know any of these people enough to give a suitable role. Most of the people did their own things, ignoring my commands, and like a coward, I let them. The team functioned well enough and it was good enough for Kokomi. All I had to do was obey the orders from her and Gorou. Kazuha tried to get me to interact with the team but they wanted nothing to do with me. I tried so hard to fit into this role set for me that I ignored what was happening right in front of me.
If I had not tried to please everyone, then maybe I would have noticed when Teppei was dying. If I had paid closer attention to what was happening around me, then maybe I would have noticed that there was something wrong with Teppei. I could have stopped him from using the Delusion, I could have saved his life.
Aether had grabbed the soldier who had found Aether trying to wake Teppei, and Aether shook the man, demanding to know what happened. The soldier let slip of the Delusions that had claimed several soldiers in the week alone and Aether dropped the man, running into the camp to demand the location of the Delusion's origins. When he finally found the answer he was looking for, Aether left the camp against Paimon's wishes, against the cries of Kazuha who tried to call him back.
It was foolish of me to run off into unknown territory without backup or telling anyone but I was so consumed by rage that the thought of it never crossed my mind. I found the Fatui camp and defeated the Fatui but Paimon had found one of the logs that listed a location where they were manufacturing Delusions. I thought that if I destroyed the source then there would not be another Teppei. I thought that because I had saved Mondstadt and Liyue before and I had fought the Fatui army before, I would be fine on my own. After all, it was just one Delusion factory, my power alone would have been enough to destroy it.
I was naïve, too overconfident, and that led to my downfall.
"You're getting all worked up over nothing. Pff, you've changed...You're getting weak," Scaramouche laughed as Aether scowled at him, the anger and fury slowly consuming his mind.
There was something strange about the Delusion factory. When I went in, I knew I was angry, furious at Teppei's fate, and that anger and fury was turned unto the Fatui. However, the further I went in, the more muddled my emotions became. It twisted my anger and fury into something ugly, disgusting, and repulsive. I did not know when I stopped hating the Fatui and began to hate the entire world. Hatred is an ugly feeling, Lumine. I despised it, I despised it so much.
Aether continued to walk onwards, the dusty floorboards creaking with every step. Paimon took the lead as always but she slowed when she noticed the way Aether was breathing, quick and shallow.
"Aether, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Paimon. Keep moving."
He knew from the cold way he spoke to Paimon that it was not normal. And yet, as he ventured forward, he cared not the way he had changed as long as he could sate the burning anger and fury in his heart.
Yae rescued us from the Delusion factory, and in exchange, she wanted me to defeat the Raiden Shogun, the real one, Ei. I agreed to her demands because what was one more debt to my ever growing pile of them?
She showed us Ei's favourite combat moves and attacks, scaled down and less powerful, but all I could see was the Electro energy of the lightning and remember the disaster at the Vision Hunt Ceremony.
"You need to avoid the attacks, Traveller, not stand there and let it hit you," Yae sighed, peering down at Aether on the ground.
"I'm trying, okay? I'm trying!" Aether shouted, covering his eyes tiredly with his hand.
"Maybe we should take a break," Paimon suggested, patting Aether's hair in an attempt to calm her friend down.
"Need I remind you that you do not have a lot of time to spare? Unless of course, you're willing to be taken into custody by the Tenryou then by all means, do as you please," Yae said apathetically.
People want me to defy the impossible, but what do they expect me to do when I could not even make myself move? Yae did not speak to me about the progress of my training but I could tell from the silence that she was disappointed in me.
Lumine, do you remember one of the worlds we went to, the one with a princess who found us in her garden? Do you remember, when she took us in, fed us, sheltered us? Do you remember when we had to leave, how we had to kill her when she tried to clip our wings and forced us to stay, when she tried to take our life by the end of her blade? We did what we had to do and that regret will live with us forever. Now? The same thing is happening again, except our wings are gone and our way out of this world with it. Is this what you wanted me to see? Is this the reason you turned your back on me and this world?
I am tired of people constantly using me for their own gains. I am tired of people's expectations for me. I am tired of people getting disappointed when I fail to meet their expectations. I am tired, Lumine.
"What do you want, Aether?" Gorou asked, his voice serious even as his tail swished nervously behind him.
"I…I want to go back home. I want to go somewhere, away from here."
"Then go. I will cover for you, even if I must bend my loyalties to Her Excellency."
"Why? Why are you going so far?"
Gorou sighed, his ears drooped tiredly. "I will not lie to you and say that it is because we are friends. But I will tell you that it was because Kazuha asked me to look after you and by our friendship, I had promised to do so. Although I am bound to the duties of a general to the Watatsumi army and my loyalties to Sangonomiya Kokomi, I remain faithful to my friends in need. Kazuha is not the kind of person who requests for someone's aid if he is not in need of it and I am not the kind of person who would abandon a friend in need."
I plan to take a break from Inazuma once I can convince the Raiden Shogun to end the Sakoku Decree that prevents people from leaving and entering Inazuma. I would probably head back to Liyue or Mondstadt. I have to make plans for travelling to the next region now that I am freed from my debt in Inazuma.
"Will you be taking part in the Irodori Festival?" Ayaka asked as the three of them were having lunch.
"What's that?" Paimon asked, putting her empty ramen bowl at the top of her stack.
"It's a festival to celebrate the works of The Five Kasan but the Yashiro Commission, at Guuji Yae's behest, will be hosting the festival to showcase various literature."
"I-" Aether started to say, only to be interrupted by Paimon.
"Paimon wants to go! Oh! But if Aether doesn't want to…"
"No, we can go," Aether said, turning back to his food.
Paimon cheered before continuing to chatter excitedly with Ayaka, while Aether scraped at the plate with his spoon, the sting of betrayal aching in his heart. How could Paimon guilt trip him like this? How dare she? The intrusive thoughts were quickly banished to the back of his mind as Aether shoved a spoonful of rice into his mouth in panic. Where did those thoughts come from?
I look forward to returning to Liyue and Mondstadt soon. And I hope to see you again soon, Lumine.
Love, your brother, Aether.
Aether set the brush aside, once again amazed at the prototype ink that Albedo had left for him in his Serenitea Pot. The ink dried slower which meant that it could retain Hydro particles longer, which meant that he could read and write with his Elemental Sight.
The ink pot was small, only enough for the letter he was writing. The ink drying slower also meant that it was easy to smudge the words he would write. However, the feeling of obtaining the independence he had once lost, even something as simple as writing a letter, was freeing to Aether. He smiled as he read the letter again before setting the letter down to wipe away the tears of happiness. Perhaps one day, he would not have to rely on Paimon for everything.
He was harshly brought back to reality when he used his Elemental Sight again, only to be greeted by the familiar darkness as the ink had dried. His smile died as he continued to stare at where the letter would have been. His fingers brushed over the letter and at where he could remember the words to be but no matter how hard he tried using his Elemental Sight, he could not see the words he wrote again.