Yugioh
DUEL – a RENT parody
Disclaimer: Although I wish I owned the cast of Yugioh, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.
Rating: R for language and adult content
Genre: Angst/Romance/Humor
Pairings: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).
Summary: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.
The Cast and NotesRoger Davis ... Malik Ishtar
Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)
Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura
Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki
Joanne Jefferson ... Yami
Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura
Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik
Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba
Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)
Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou
Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi
Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana
Gordon ... Yugi Mutou
Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba
Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka
Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku
Roger's mom ... Isis Ishtar
Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda
Note: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.
Also note: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.
Also, also note: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.
ACT I
RENT
(The COMPANY bursts into a flurry of movement. Then everyone except JOU and MALIK freezes in a group upstage.)
JOU
How do you document real life
When real life's getting more
Like fiction each day?
Headlines – bread-lines
Blow my mind,
And now this deadline.
"Eviction – or play."
Duel.
MALIK
How do you write a song
When the chords sound wrong
Though they once sounded right and rare?
When the notes are sour
Where is the power
You once had to ignite the air?
JOU
And we're hungry and frozen.
MALIK
Some life that we've chosen.
BOTH
How we gonna play?
How we gonna play?
How we gonna play
Last year's duel?
JOU
We trade cards.
MALIK
How do you start a fire
When there's nothing to burn
And it feels like something's stuck in
Your flue?
JOU
How can you generate heat
When you can't feel your feet
BOTH
And they're turning blue?
JOU
You light up a mean blaze,
(MALIK grabs a book.)
MALIK
With rule books
(JOU grabs papers on which are scribbled strategies.)
JOU
And new plays.
BOTH
How we gonna play?
How we gonna play?
How we gonna play
Last year's duel?
(Lights go down on the loft and go up on YAMI, who's at the pay phone.)
YAMI
(on phone)
Don't screen, Seto,
It's me – Yami!
Your substitute dueling manager!
Hey, hey, hey! (Did you duel?)
Don't change the subject, Seto.
But darling, you've haven't dueled all day.
You won't get beat.
You won't get beat!
The digital delay –
Didn't overheat (exactly).
There may have been one teeny, tiny blow.
You're not calling Jou!
BAKURA
How do you stay on your feet
When on every street
It's "Trick or Treat"
(And tonight it's "Trick").
"Welcome back to town."
I should lie down.
Everything's brown
And uh-oh.
I feel sick!
JOU
(At the window)
Where is he?
BAKURA
Getting dizzy…
(he collapses)
JOU AND MALIK
How we gonna play?
How we gonna play?
How we gonna play
Last year's duel?
(MARK and ROGER stoke the fire. Crosscut to ANZU'S Range Rover.)
ANZU
(on cellular phone)
Pegasus, baby – you sound sad.
I don't believe those two,
After everything I've done.
Ever since our wedding
I'm dirt – they'll see.
I can help them all out in the long run.
(Three locales: YAMI at the pay phone, JOU and MALIK in their loft, and BAKURA on the ground. The following is sung simultaneously.)
ANZU
Forces are gathering.
Forces are gathering.
Can't turn away.
Forces are gathering.
BAKURA
Ughhhhh-
Ughhhhh-
Ughhhhh- I can't think.
Ughhhhh-
Ughhhhh-
Ughhhhh- I need a drink.
JOU
(reading from a script page)
The music ignites the night with
Passionate fire.
YAMI
Seto – I'm not a cheating person.
MALIK
The narration crackles and pops with
Incendiary wit.
YAMI
Could never be a cheating person.
JOU
Zoom in as they burn the past to the ground,
YAMI
(realizing he's been cut off)
Hello?
JOU AND MALIK
And feel the heat of the future's
Glow.
YAMI
Hello?
(The phone rings in the loft. JOU picks it up.)
JOU
(on phone)
Hello? Seto?
Your equipment won't work?
Okay, all right, I'll go!
JOU AND HALF THE COMPANY
How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to
Your heart?
It reaches way down deep and tears
You inside out,
'Til you're torn apart.
Duel!
MALIK AND OTHER HALF OF COMPANY
How can you connect in an age
Where strangers, landlords, lovers,
Your own blood cells betray?
ALL
What binds the fabric together
When the raging, shifting winds of change
Keep ripping away?
ANZU
Draw a line in the sand
And then make a stand.
MALIK
Use your camera to spar.
JOU
Use your guitar.
ALL
When the act tough – you call their
Bluff.
MALIK AND JOU
We're not gonna play.
MALIK AND JOU W/HALF THE COMPANY
We're not gonna play.
MALIK AND JOU W/OTHER HALF OF COMPANY
We're not gonna play
ALL
Last year's duel,
This year's duel,
Last year's duel.
Duel, duel, duel, duel, duel.
We're no gonna duel.
MALIK AND JOU
'Cause everything's a duel.