The world was a flawed place. The people who lived in this flawed world were just as equally flawed. And yet, they would take on impossible quests to seek out perfection. Was it any wonder that Xingqiu turned to books, stories and fantasies of a perfect world and its perfect people, to escape this flawed world?
Xingqiu was born, flawed, in a 'perfect' family where perfection was the expectation and not the desire. He was born into a flawed world with its flawed people, everyone expecting him to be perfect like his flawed brother. The expectations weighed heavily on his shoulders as the people's words bite into his skin. Why should he be perfect when they already had the perfect son to take over the family's business?
"I had never once cared about the family business. Why should I? I am but only the second son of the Feiyun Commerce Guild. From the day I was born, my place in the world had not mattered."
Books were his form of escape. The tales they told spoke of a world so vastly different from his own, where the people do not expect him to carry his perfect mask to walk amongst his family, where the boy known as Xingqiu did not exist, where the world cared not for his flawed mask. Was it any wonder so many were drawn to false realities?
The first time Xingqiu wrote a story, it was on a piece of scrap paper shrouded behind the shadow of his history textbook. He scribbled down a hundred words before tearing the paper into shreds and disposing of them into his trash bin. He spent days, waiting to see if anyone found out, anyone who would punish him for wasting his time on foolish fantasy instead of studying for his perfect academics. He spent days waiting for something, anything, but when the end of the week came and went, nothing happened.
"It was a wonderful feeling, as if I had opened a forbidden vault and found treasures of untold wealth inside."
The first time Xingqiu met a person who cared not for his flawed self trying to live in a perfect world, it felt like a dream, like the stories spoken only in the novels he would secretly read. Chongyun had not known who he was the first time he met Xingqiu. They had spent the day together playing, where Xingqiu could be himself and not the second son of the Feiyun Commerce Guild. The entire day was a dream come true, and it all came crashing down when his mother caught him at the end of the day. He was pulled away, forced to return home to listen to his parents berate him for having fun instead of studying, forced to return home without bidding his new friend farewell.
And yet, when Xingqiu expected never to see him again, his new friend found him when he snuck out of the house days later. His new friend came back to him where most never would. Even when Xingqiu revealed who he was, his new friend stayed by his side, uncaring of their difference in status, uncaring of the perfect world he could never be in.
"I thought he wouldn't come back, like most people do when they found out who I am. But he came back, Chongyun came back to me and he stayed."
As Xingqiu grew up, the demands for his perfection increased and the weight of it all became heavier through the passing of time. Every word the people spoke, every detail of scrutiny, every insult they threw, every imperfection that was brought up, everything added to that growing weight that latched onto his shoulders. And no matter how much Xingqiu wished to be free from it, no matter how hard he shouted or cried for someone to help him, it remained on top of him, dragging him down into the bottomless sea of despair.
(For as long as society demands that he fit in, he will never be free from the shackles and weight.)
Xingqiu considered himself lucky. At least some of the weight of his burdens could be shared amongst the few friends he had. However, the weight of expectations, the burden of being the son of an important family, the heavy glares of his parents watching him, those are the things that his friends could do nothing about. And so Xingqiu lived his life with the weight of the expectations crushing him, making it hard to breathe on some days. He lived his life knowing he could never become the exact image that his brother was, knowing that people wanted his brother and not him, never him. He lived his life under the scrutiny of his parents, forever in their eyes as a disappointment to the family name.
(So why are they surprised when they find out that he is not his brother and can never be, even when he has screamed and cried that he never is?)
"To tell you the truth, I am a little envious of you. In everyone's eyes, you're perfect unlike me. No matter what I do, there is always something wrong with it."
Aether laughed, ugly hysterical laughs that left him gasping for air and wiping the tears at the edge of his sightless eyes. "Then everyone must be blind then. I am not the hero they make me to be. They claim me perfect when they have never once set sight on me. If you ask me what makes me 'perfect', I would say that you have the wrong person because I am the furthest thing from 'perfection'."
Xingqiu found his haven in books, stories of heroes saving the world, stories of a world black and white where ink spoke of worlds that he could barely imagine. He wanted to become those people, to live a life free of the burdens placed upon him by others, to be freed of expectations of something he could never be. Though these are people only brought to life through ink and paper, could he not become like them?
And it was then that he began to strive to become the very people he read in his books, to become a chivalrous hero, the person everyone wanted, the person who could live a perfect life in a perfect world even with their flawed self. Even someone like Xingqiu, who was as flawed as everyone made him out to be, could become perfect like the hero in the story.
(It is not the perfection that others seek that he chased but the perfection he wants that he sought.)
The first time Xingqiu met another person who was flawed in a way that society deemed useless, someone who could never become part of their perfect world no matter how hard they tried, he was curious. He had seen an elderly woman peddling her wares but instead of speaking, she would gesture with her hands in lieu of speech. He watched the woman with curious eyes until his mother pulled him away, her face in disgust at the person who had been the target of his attention.
"Stay away from that woman! A mute like her would only bring down others with her. You are the son of Feiyun Commerce Guild and someone like her is beneath our family status. Do you understand?"
"I do not-"
"Do you understand or not!?"
"...Yes, mother."
Xingqiu continued to keep his sights on the woman whenever he could, playing the role as an observer and merely only watching her as she went about her life. He watched as she struggled to earn a living, he watched as people scorned her for something that she could not change, he kept watching her until the day he stepped in. There had been a fight, a verbal one fortunately, as a younger woman accused the woman of stealing his customers. The millelith who had arrived late to the scene, sided with the vocal one against the one who lacked a voice to defend herself. And so Xingqiu stepped in, not out of pity for the disabled woman, but for the injustice happening right before him.
The mute woman thanked him by bowing to him profusely and gesturing with her hands before bidding him farewell as she left with her wares. And even when no words were exchanged, he felt warmth from the thanks he had received, a warmth that he could never receive from the cold words and harsh discipline of his family.
(The warmth he sought was not the warmth he wanted, but the warmth he wanted was impossible to obtain.)
He told the tale to his friends, not to his family, not to the people who could never understand him, and his friends listened quietly to his story.
"Oh! I know who she is! Dad delivers leftovers to her!" Xiangling spoke up as soon as Xingqiu finished telling his story.
"But what do you mean when you say she talks with her hands?" Chongyun asked in confusion.
"She was using sign language," Xiangling's father said, cutting into the conversation to serve the three children their meal.
The three of them learned from Xiangling's father what sign language was. They decided to learn it, each with their own reasoning to do so. Xiangling thought it would be fun to learn a language and it would also let her speak with people who could not communicate with vocal words. Chongyun thought it might come in useful one day, for if there was a demon who could not hear the words of his exorcism then perhaps he could use sign language to exorcise them instead. Xingqiu thought that it was a skill, a useful skill in the future perhaps or maybe something he would never use at all, but one should never pass over knowledge simply because one might never make use of it.
"Can you teach me?" Aether asked, looking down at his hands as if he could see them.
"It would be difficult but I would be honoured to teach you, my liege."
And yet, even when Xingqiu put in effort to learn a new skill for himself, as long as it was to no benefit to the Feiyun Commerce Guild, it was immediately looked down upon.
"Why are you wasting your time on this!?" Xingqiu's mother scolded as she roughly yanked the book on sign language out of Xingqiu's hands.
(Can you blame a person for obeying when the world keeps forcing them to conform? Can you blame a person for rebelling when they can no longer withstand the shackles that bind them to society?)
It simply became another secret to withhold from his family. Another lie, another diversion, another secret to take to his grave. His brother knew what Xingqiu kept hidden from his parents, and yet, even with the knowledge, he kept silent of the hidden treasures that Xingqiu had hoarded. For what reason might he have? Was it out of pity, out of familial love? Either way, Xingqiu is thankful.
The first time Xingqiu heard of the Traveller, he had overheard a rumour as he was perusing the books at the Wanwen Bookhouse. They claimed that Mondstadt had been attacked by a dragon and that the city was saved by a person known as 'The Traveller'.
"When I first heard of you, I was sceptical. After all, your feats are only something I could read in fictional tales, not something that one would hear as the truth."
The people of Liyue had been largely unconcerned about the Traveller. Why should they care about some unknown person? Liyue has its own problems to deal with, especially when the country had just seen their god perished right before their eyes.
All of that changed when an ancient god rose from the depths of the sea to attack Liyue Harbour. The people prayed for a miracle to happen, for Rex Lapis to rise up from the dead and defend the city. And yet, it was no god of their own who vanquished the threat but the unknown Traveller who had once again appeared out of nowhere to save another country.
Suddenly, everyone in Liyue wanted to know who this mysterious Traveller was. The Traveller had not shown up when the Liyue Qixing announced it was by his efforts that the ancient god was defeated at the same time they announced that Liyue was to head for a new dawn governed by mankind. Xingqiu had been watching the proceedings and he had been disappointed when the Traveller failed to appear at the mention of his achievements. When he returned to the Feiyun Commerce Guild, the place was abuzz with activity and everyone there had but one goal in mind: find out who the Traveller was.
Even when they obtained information from Mondstadt's merchants, even when they bought tales of the Traveller with mora, the Traveller's background remained elusive to all. No one knew where the Traveller had come from. They knew his name, his purpose, but his origins remained a complete mystery. It infuriated a few of the higher ranking members of the guild but to Xingqiu, he was curious and intrigued but more importantly, he wanted to meet this hero, to meet this person whom he once thought could only exist in fictional worlds.
(He wanted to know what 'perfection' means. He wanted to know what the Traveller thought of 'perfection'.)
The opportunity came to him by coincidence.
He had been searching for a book at Wanwen Bookhouse when he heard Chongyun's voice. He turned his head to face the direction of the voice, hearing multiple footsteps as his friend neared the bookstore. At the same time, more voices drifted in with the footsteps, indicating that his friend was not alone.
Xingqiu hid his face behind a book he pulled off the shelf, peeking over the edge to see who was in company with Chongyun.
The first thing he noticed was the strange fairy-creature fluttering around Chongyun and a stranger. The next thing he noticed was the stranger dressed in exotic clothes who was holding on to Chongyun's shoulder. He wondered, offhandedly, if he could use this to tease his friend later.
(Even in jest, he knows where the boundary lies and so do his friends. He does not speak of it but he appreciates the line they know where not to cross and where not to push.)
Xingqiu put the book away back onto the shelf and approached Chongyun, the latter noticing his presence immediately.
"Oh, Xingqiu! Let me introduce you to a friend!"
The Traveller stood before him. The Traveller, Aether, the hero of Liyue Harbour, a mysterious person where only words of his achievements could only describe who he was, stood right before him and Xingqiu was feeling…he did not know how to describe it. Disappointment? Betrayal? Broken? Sadness? Anger?
He expected a perfect person, a person untarnished, unbroken, unblemished by the ugly imperfect world, a person who could only exist in fictional tales and unrealistic dreams, a person who sat at the pinnacle of what people wanted to be. The Traveller was supposed to be perfect, he was the hero of Liyue and Mondstadt, he was the aspirations of many who had heard of his achievements. And yet, the Traveller was none of that. Aether was none of that. At the same time, what exactly had he been expecting from a person who defined 'perfection'?
(Is it his fault for having his expectations betrayed or others for setting up the expectations that can never be met?)
When Paimon physically pulled Aether away and began pulling book after book to read the title and synopsis out loud, Xingqiu was confused. It was only after Chongyun explained to him that Aether was blind and would not be able to read the books themselves that Xingqiu understood.
How could a man, as blind as a bat, as flawed as the people who claim him perfect, whose world was only defined by darkness, be perfect? Could no one else see the flaws, the cracks, the imperfection of the person they call a hero?
(Or perhaps it is because they do not see what he is that they fail to adjust their expectations of him.)
Once Aether and Paimon found the book they were looking for, the two parted ways from Xingqiu and Chongyun, disappearing down the stairs with Paimon leading the way. In their absence, Xingqiu was able to grab hold of his friend before he could flee and pull him across the bridge from Wanwen Bookhouse, away from the direction where the Traveller had left. Chongyun allowed him, trusting Xingqiu to take him to where he needed to be.
"Can you tell me more about the Traveller?"
By the time Xingqiu returned home, he was almost late for dinner which had earned him a scolding from his mother. However, where he would previously stay quiet and withstood the harsh words, this time, he spoke up before his mother could continue on a tirade.
"I met the Traveller today."
As if the words he had spoken were taken from some holy scroll belonging to an adeptus, his mother shifted from pure anger and fury to one of happiness and excitement, as if she had been the one who struck gold. Her previous admonishment was gone, replaced by kind words, as if she had not been destroying her son with her poisoned tongue not a second before.
"Really? I'm so proud of you, Xingqiu. We must let your father know ! You have to tell us over dinner!"
What should he tell them? What could he tell them? The lies they wished to hear or the truth they did not want to know?
Food was served on the table, hot and mouth-watering dishes cooked to perfection. And yet, the chopsticks stay in its holder until the head of the family has taken his first bite. Xingqiu stared down at his steamy hot rice, his mind still deciding on what he should tell his father, what he could tell without invoking his father's wrath for speaking the truth.
(The best kind of lies are the ones with truths in them.)
People often say that the undesirable truth would be better than a desired lie. And yet, why would they punish those who speak the truth instead of the lie that they believed to be true?
Xingqiu felt trapped, stuck between a rock and a hard place.
He could tell the truth, that the Traveller was a nobody, a person who just so happened to be at the right place at the right time, a person who just so happened to be blind, disabled. What would his parents think of someone who was supposed to be beneath them simply because they would have to work harder to get to where his family stood?
He could also lie to them, that the Traveller was someone great as everyone had said, beautiful with his exotic looks, flawless as everyone believed. He could tell them how strong and powerful the Traveller was, his power so immense that it went beyond anyone's comprehension. He could parrot the words his parents told him back to them, to conform to the rules everyone had set out before him. It would keep him safe, for the time being. It would keep the verbal thorns away from his flesh and the burning accusation that would brand itself into his soul.
But what would happen when they learn the undesirable truth after hearing the desirable lies?
At the same time, what was one more lie to the evergrowing web of them?
And yet, in the end, it did not matter what he said or planned to say, not when the choice was taken out of his hand. His parents questioned him of his meeting with the Traveller and he gave curt answers that easily satisfied them. Xingqiu ate his food slowly, his parents content to talk amongst themselves as if he and his brother were not sitting at the same table as them. The words went in one ear and out the other, just useless chatter of plans that he would not agree to, plans that he knew would not benefit the guild as much as the ones he could come up with. Even if he were to offer his own suggestions, they would look at him with discontent, as if he was at fault for wanting to help them. And so he would not offer them words, not until they requested it.
(Why does it always seem so much easier to offer words to a stranger than the ones with close ties to you?)
"Xingqiu, get close to the Traveller and invite him to the guild. If we can get him to sponsor our guild, we might be able to attract the eye of the Tianquan of the Liyue Qixing."
"He is not affiliated with any organisation. I do not think he-"
"Xingqiu," his mother interrupted with a cold voice. Xingqiu closed his mouth, his lips in a firm line and his eyes broke away from her icy gaze. "You are still young, you don't understand everything yet so stop talking back at us and do as you're told!"
"...Yes, mother."
Dinner ended in silence after that and Xingqiu was quick to return to his room as soon as he was dismissed from the dining table. He needed a place to calm his thoughts, to sort out the disarray of information in his mind, to resolve the conflicts in his decisions. He breathed in and out, just like the way his tutor taught him. They may be breathing techniques merely to aid in his journey to master the Guhua clan's martial arts but they are still breathing techniques all the same, useful in calming one's soul.
His meditation was interrupted with a knock on his door. Xingqiu glanced at the door, expecting his mother to barge into his room like she owned the place or even his father who commanded respect and would not give the same in return to his sons.
"Xingqiu?" his brother's voice called out from behind the closed door. "It's me, can I come in?"
Xingqiu allowed his brother to walk in, quickly shutting the door behind before anyone else could take it as an invitation to enter. His brother explained that he wanted to hear Xingqiu's thoughts on the Traveller as well as his plans for him.
"Even if we managed to convince the Traveller to sponsor the guild, it would not attract favourable contracts from the Liyue Qixing. Rather, I think the opposite would happen should they find out if we used underhanded tactics to convince the Traveller. However, I feel that if the Traveller gave us permission to use his name to sell our goods, we can bolster support amongst the common people. This is all hypothetical of course, I would have to ask if he would be agreeable to it first. Although, I would ask that you not get your hopes up as the Traveller is not tied to any one nation."
His brother turned to leave, his expression pensive. However, as his hand reached out for the doorknob, he glanced back at Xingqiu, his amber eyes unreadable. The two watched each other in silence before Xingqiu's brother turned away, breaking eye contact. He opened the door and stepped out but before the door fully closed, he left a few words for his younger brother.
"I trust you."
Trust, what does his brother imply with that word? Was it that he did not believe Xingqiu or that he found Xingqiu's plan unreasonable? But this was his brother, not his father or his mother. When his brother meant 'trust', he really meant that he trusted Xingqiu to do the right thing. The right thing being for the guild of course. However, in this case, was forcing the Traveller to support the guild truly the right thing to do? To the family who built a guild from the foundations of a world where the weak were devoured by the strong, it would be the right thing to do. To Xingqiu however, it was against his nature, his very belief.
Xingiqu's eyes focused back at the door to his room. He could still see his brother walking away, his back to him, telling him that he trusted Xingqiu.
(In this family of his, is there still any unconditional love left?)
His eyes turned away to the bottom drawer of his desk where he had hid away his stories, tales of heroes and chivalric knights. He walked over to his desk, his hand reaching down to open the drawer and he stared down at the book on top.
He could use the Traveller as his family wanted him to. He could convince the Traveller as his brother expected him to. But what does he, as Xingqiu, not as his family, want to do?
The answer was simple. He would do what he must, what he, as a person, wanted to do and he would not allow anyone, family or not, to dictate his actions that would go against his core beliefs as a person.