Yugioh
DUEL – a RENT parody
Disclaimer: Although I wish I owned the cast of Yugioh, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.
Rating: R for language and adult content
Genre: Angst/Romance/Humor
Pairings: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).
Summary: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.
The Cast and NotesRoger Davis ... Malik Ishtar
Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)
Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura
Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki
Joanne Jefferson ... Yami
Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura
Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik
Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba
Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)
Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou
Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi
Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana
Gordon ... Yugi Mutou
Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba
Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka
Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku
Roger's mom ... Isis Ishtar
Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda
Note: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.
Also note: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.
Also, also note: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.
ACT I
LIGHT MY CANDLE
MALIK
What'd you forget?
(MALIK opens the door and is surprised to see YAMI MARIK, a beautiful stranger from downstairs. MARIK enters, holding the millennium rod "candle" and looking for a match – his electricity is down, too.)
MALIK
What'd you forget?
MARIK
Got a light?
MALIK
I know you? You're-
You're shivering.
MARIK
It's nothing.
They turned off my heat,
And I'm just a little
Weak on my feet.
Would you light my candle?
What are you staring at?
MALIK
Nothing.
Your hair in the moonlight…
You look familiar.
(He lights her candle. MARIK starts to leave, but stumbles.)
Can you make it?
MARIK
Just haven't eaten much today.
At least the room stopped spinning.
Anyway, what?
MALIK
Nothing.
Your smile reminded me of-
MARIK
I always remind people of – who is she?
MALIK
She died. Her name was Ami.
(MARIK discreetly blows out the candle.)
MARIK
It's out again.
Sorry about your friend.
Would you light my candle?
(MALIK lights the candle. They linger, awkwardly.)
MALIK
Well-
MARIK
Yeah. Ow!
MALIK
Oh. The wax – it's-
MARIK
Dripping! I like it between my-
MALIK
Fingers. I figured…
Oh well. Goodnight.
(MARIK exits. MALIK heads back toward his guitar on the table. There is another knock, which he answers.)
It blew out again?
MARIK
No, I think that I dropped my stash.
MALIK
I know I've seen you out and about
When I used to go out.
Your candle's out.
MARIK
I'm illin'.
I had it when I walked in the door.
It was pure!
Is it on the floor?
MALIK
The floor?
(MARIK gets down on all fours and starts searching the floor for her stash. She looks back at MALIK, who is staring at her again.)
MARIK
They say I have the best ass below
14th Street.
Is it true?
MALIK
What?
MARIK
You're staring again.
MALIK
On no.
I mean you do – have a nice –
I mean – you look familiar.
MARIK
Like your dead girlfriend?
MALIK
Only when you smile,
But I'm sure I've seen you somewhere
Else.
MARIK
Do you go to the Winged Ra Club?
That's where I work. I dance. Help me
Look.
MALIK
Yes!
They used to tie you up.
MARIK
It's a living.
(MARIK douses the flame again.)
MALIK
I didn't recognize you
Without the handcuffs.
MARIK
We could light the candle.
Oh, won't you light the candle?
(MALIK lights it again.)
MALIK
Why don't you forget that stuff?
You look like you're sixteen.
MARIK
I'm nineteen, but I'm old for my age.
I'm just born to be bad.
MALIK
I once was born to be bad.
I used to shiver like that.
MARIK
I have no heat, I told you.
MALIK
I used to sweat.
MARIK
I got a cold.
MALIK
Uh huh.
I used to be a junkie.
MARIK
But now and then I like to
MALIK
Uh huh.
MARIK
Feel good.
MALIK
Here it – um…
(MALIK stoops and picks up a small object: MARIK'S stash.)
MARIK
What's that?
MALIK
Magic card wrapper…
(MALIK puts it behind his back and into his pocket.)
MARIK
We could light the candle.
(MALIK discreetly blows out the candle.)
What'd you do with my candle?
MALIK
That was my last match.
MARIK
Our eyes'll adjust. Thank God for
The moon.
MALIK
Maybe it's not the moon at all.
I hear Miasaki's shooting down
The street.
MARIK
Bah humbug… bah humbug…
(MARIK places his hand under MALIK'S, pretending to do it by accident.)
MALIK
Cold hands…
MARIK
Yours too.
Big. Like my protectorate's.
You wanna dance?
MARIK
With you?
MARIK
No. With my protectorate.
MALIK
I'm Malik.
MARIK
They call me,
They call me Marik.
(They come extremely close to a kiss. MARIK reaches into MALIK'S pocket, nabs the stash, waves it in front of his face, and makes a sexy exit.)
First Author's Note: Do you know just how hard it was to think of something that even remotely rhymed with Malik? The original wording if "father" but Malik and Marik never really... liked (is the best way to put it) their father, protectorate seems to work. And it sort of rhymes... right?