Yugioh
DUEL – a RENT parody
Disclaimer: Although I wish I owned the cast of Yugioh, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.
Rating: R for language and adult content
Genre: Angst/Romance/Humor
Pairings: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).
Summary: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.
The Cast and NotesRoger Davis ... Malik Ishtar
Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)
Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura
Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki
Joanne Jefferson ... Yami
Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura
Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik
Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba
Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)
Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou
Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi
Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana
Gordon ... Yugi Mutou
Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba
Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka
Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku
Roger's mom ... Ishizu Ishtar
Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda
Note: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.
Also note: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.
Also, also note: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.
ACT I
TODAY 4 U
(JOU and MALIK'S loft.)
JOU
Enter Yami Bakura – arsenal genius, fighter, and vagabond anarchist who ran naked through the Parthenon.
(BAKURA carries RYOU'S pickle tub, now filled with provisions.)
JOU AND BAKURA
Red Eyes – Blue Eyes,
Magicians by the bunch.
A deck of Master Crunch will work so good!
BAKURA
And firewood.
JOU
Look! It's Santa Claus!
BAKURA
Hold your applause.
MALIK
Oh, hi.
BAKURA
"Oh, hi?" After seven months?
MALIK
Sorry.
BAKURA
This boy could use some Stoli.
BAKURA, JOU, AND MALIK
Oh, Holy Night.
MALIK
You struck gold at the Fight Club?
BAKURA
They expelled me for my theory of Actual Reality,
Which I'll soon impart
To the couch potatoes at Battle City.
Still haven't left the house?
MALIK
I was waiting for you, don't you know?
BAKURA
Well, tonight's the night!
Come to the Life Café after Seto's duel.
MALIK
Not cool.
BAKURA
Gentlemen, our benefactor on this Christmas Eve,
Whose charity is only matched by talent, I believe,
A new member of the Alphabet City avant-garde,
Ryou Bakura-san!
(RYOU sashays in. He's gorgeously done up in Santa drag, with a fan of twenty dollar bills in each hand.)
RYOU
Today for you – tomorrow for me!
(The music starts up, a fun cha-cha beat.)
Today for you – tomorrow for me!
BAKURA
And you should hear her beat!
JOU
You earned this on the street?
RYOU
It was my lucky day today on Avenue A,
When a lady in a limousine drove my way.
She said, "Dahling. Be a dear. Haven't slept in a year.
I need your help to make my neighbor's yappy dog disappear.
This Akita – Evita – just won't shut up.
I believe if you play non-stop that pup
Will breathe its very last high-strung breath.
I'm certain that cur will bark itself to death."
Today for you – tomorrow for me.
Today for you – tomorrow for me.
We agreed on a fee. A thousand dollar guarantee.
Tax-free! And a bonus, if I trim her tree.
Now who could foretell that it would go so well,
But sure as I am here that dog is now in doggy hell.
After an hour, Evita, in all her glory,
On the window ledge of that 23rd story,
LikeTidus andYuna did when they got the blues,
Swan dove into the courtyard of the Gracie Mews.
Today for you – tomorrow for me.
Today for you – tomorrow for me.
(RYOU does a fabulous drum and dance solo.)
Then back on the street where I met my sweet,
Where he was moaning and groaning on the cold concrete.
The nurse took him home for some Mercurochrome,
And I dressed his wounds and got him back on his feet.
Sing it!
Today for you – tomorrow for me.
Today for you – tomorrow for me.
Today for you – tomorrow for me.
Today for you – tomorrow for me!