Yugioh
DUEL – a RENT parody
Disclaimer: Although I wish I owned the cast of Yugioh, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.
Rating: R for language and adult content
Genre: Angst/Romance/Humor/Parody
Pairings: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).
Summary: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.
The Cast and NotesRoger Davis ... Malik Ishtar
Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)
Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura
Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki
Joanne Jefferson ... Yami
Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura
Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik
Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba
Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)
Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou
Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi
Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana
Gordon ... Yugi Mutou
Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba
Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka
Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku
Roger's mom ... Ishizu Ishtar
Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda
Note: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.
Also note: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.
Also, also note: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.
ACT I
YOU'LL SEE
(ANZU enters the loft and begins to yell out the window.)
ANZU
Joy to the world!
Hey you bum – yeah, you, move over.
Get your ass off that range rover.
JOU
That attitude toward the homeless is just what
Seto is protesting tonight.
(He holds up the camera to ANZU.)
Close up: Anzu Mazaki, our ex-roommate who married Maximillian Pegasus, of the Westport Pegasus' – then who bought the building and the lot next door from her brother-in-law in hopes of starting a cyber-dueling arena.
ANZU
Seto is protesting
Losing his dueling space.
Not my attitude.
MALIK
What happened to Anzu?
What happened to her heart
And the ideals she once pursued?
ANZU
The owner of that lot next door
Has a right to do with it as she pleases.
BAKURA
Happy birthday, Jesus!
ANZU
The cards?
JOU
You're wasting your time.
MALIK
We're broke.
JOU
And you broke your word! This is absurd!
ANZU
There is one way you won't have to pay...
MALIK
I knew it!
ANZU
Next door, the home of Cyberduel, you see?
And now that block is re-zoned,
Our dream can become a reality.
You'll see, boys.
You'll see, boys.
A state of the art, digital, virtual interactive arena!
I'll forego your rent and on paper guarantee,
That you can stay here for free!
If you do me one small favor.
JOU
What?
ANZU
Convince Seto Kaiba to cancel his protest.
JOU
Why not just get an injunction or call the cops?
ANZU
I did. And they're on stand by.
But my investors would rather
I handle this quietly.
MALIK
You can't quietly wipe out an entire tent city
Then watch "It's a Wonderful Life" on TV!
ANZU
You want to produce films and write songs?
You need somewhere to do it!
It's what we used to dream about.
Think twice before you pooh-pooh it.
You'll see, boys.
You'll see, boys.
You'll see – the beauty of an arena
That lets us do our work and get paid.
With condos on the top
Whose rent keeps open our shop.
Just stop the protest
And you'll have it made.
You'll see – or you'll pack.
(ANZU exits.)
RYOU
That girl could use some Prozac.
MALIK
Or heavy drugs.
JOU
Or group hugs.
BAKURA
Which reminds me,
We have a detour to make tonight.
Anyone who wants to can come along.
RYOU
Life Support's a group for people coping with life.
You don't have to stay for too long.
JOU
First, I've got a protest to save.
RYOU
Malik?
MALIK
I'm not much company you'll find.
JOU
Behave!
RYOU
He'll catch up later, he's just got other things on his mind.
You'll see, boys!
JOU AND BAKURA
We'll see, boys!
MALIK
Let it be, boys.
BAKURA
I like boys.
RYOU
Boys like me!
ALL
We'll see.