Yugioh
DUEL – a RENT parody
Disclaimer: Although I wish I owned the cast of Yugioh, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.
Rating: R for language and adult content
Genre: Angst/Romance/Humor/Parody
Pairings: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).
Summary: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.
The Cast and NotesRoger Davis ... Malik Ishtar
Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)
Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura
Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki
Joanne Jefferson ... Yami
Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura
Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik
Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba
Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)
Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou
Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi
Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana
Gordon ... Yugi Mutou
Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba
Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka
Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku
Roger's mom ... Ishizu Ishtar
Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda
Note: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.
Also note: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.
Also, also note: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.
ACT I
TANGO: MAUREEN
(In the lot, YAMI is reexamining the cable connections for the umpteenth time. JOU enters into the lot from stage left.)
JOU
And so into the abyss... the lot. Where a small stage is partially set up.
YAMI
(playing with some wires)
"Line in..." I went to Harvard for this?
JOU
Close on Jou's nosedive.
YAMI
"Line out..."
JOU
Will he get out of here alive?
(YAMI notices JOU approaching.)
YAMI
Jou?
JOU
Hi.
YAMI
I told him not to call you.
JOU
That's Seto.
But can I help since I'm here?
YAMI
I hired and engineer...
JOU
Great! Well, nice to have met you!
YAMI
Wait! She's three hours late!
(A slow tango rhythm begins to be played out by the band.)
YAMI
The samples won't delay,
But the cable...
JOU
There's another way.
Say something.
Anything.
(YAMI grabs the mike.)
YAMI
Test – One, two, three...
JOU
Anything but that.
YAMI
This is weird.
JOU
It's weird.
YAMI
Very weird.
JOU
Fuckin' weird.
YAMI
I'm so mad
That I don't know what to do.
Fighting with microphones...
Freezing down to my bones...
And to top it all off,
I'm with you!
JOU
Feel like going insane?
Got a fire in your brain
And you're thinking
Of drinking
Ethanol?
YAMI
As a matter of fact...
JOU
Yami, I know this act!
It's called
"The Tango Seto."
The Tango Seto!
It's a dark, dizzy merry-go-round.
As he keeps you dangling...
YAMI
You're wrong!
JOU
Your heart he's mangling!
YAMI
It's different with me!
JOU
And you toss and you turn
'Cause his cold eyes can burn.
Yet you yearn and you churn
And rebound.
YAMI
I guess I finally know...
JOU AND YAMI
The Tango Seto!
JOU
Has he ever pouted his lips
And called you...
"Puppy?"
YAMI
Never.
JOU
Have you ever doubted a kiss,
Or two?
YAMI
This is... spooky.
Did you swoon when he
Walked through the door?
JOU
Every time.
So be cautious.
YAMI
Did he moon
Over other girls?
JOU
More than moon-
YAMI
I'm getting
Nauseous.
(The two begin to tango, with JOU leading.)
JOU
Where'd you learn to tango?
YAMI
With the French Ambassador's son in hir dorm room at Mr. Porter's. And you?
JOU
With Nanette Himmelfarb. The Rabbi's daughter at the Scarsdale Jewish Community Center.
(They switch, and YAMI leads.)
JOU
It's hard to do this backwards.
YAMI
You should try it in heels!
He cheated!
JOU
He cheated.
YAMI
Seto cheated!
JOU
Fuckin' cheated!
YAMI
I'm defeated!
I should give up right now.
JOU
Got to look on the bright side,
With all of your might-
YAMI
I'd fall for him still anyhow.
BOTH
When you're dancing his dance
You don't stand a chance.
His grip of romance
Make you fall.
JOU
So you think "Might as well
YAMIS
"Dance a tango to hell.
BOTH
"At least I'll have tangoed at all."
The Tango Seto,
Got to dance till your diva is through.
You pretend to believe him
'Cause in the end you can't leave him.
But the end it will come,
Still you have to play dumb,
Till you're glum and you bum
And turn blue.
JOU
Why do we love when he says no?
YAMI
And he can be your greatest foe.
JOU
Try the mike!
YAMI
My Seto… (Reverb: to, to, to...)
JOU
Patched!
YAMI
Thanks.
JOU
You know, I feel great now!
YAMI
I feel lousy…
(The pay phone rings. JOU hands it to YAMI.)
Honey, we're... (pause) Puppy?
You never call me Puppy...
Forget it, we're patched.
(He hangs up, looks at JOU.)
BOTH
The Tango Seto!