Alec was mortified. He'd had one of the worst nightmares he could remember, and with a witness. And then he'd strangled the person who was doing so much to help him. And to top it all off, he'd thrown up and had a complete breakdown. If this was what becoming a healthier person looked like, he wasn't sure he wanted any part of it.

He was still wrapped up in Simon's arms, but he couldn't bring himself to move. Alec knew this was wrong and he needed to be strong, but he didn't have anything left in him. Even the embarrassment he was feeling wasn't enough to move him. He was just so tired.

And Simon was sitting there, letting this happen. As if it didn't matter that Alec hadn't given him the time of day before all this. As if Alec hadn't almost choked the life out of him a few minutes ago. As if Alec deserved this.

But maybe he did? Wasn't that what Simon had been saying this whole time? He hadn't given Alec any reason to not believe him. And Simon had nothing to gain from this, no matter the outcome. People doing things for others out of the kindness of their hearts was so foreign to him. Everything was transactional where he came from. Even the simplest favor could be used as something to call in at a later date. But somehow Alec knew deep down that Simon would never do that with this.

"I'm sorry," Alec mumbled eventually, wiping a shaky hand across his eyes as he leaned back.

"For what? You didn't do anything wrong," Simon said, reaching across him to flush the toilet.

"I choked you," Alec reminded him, lightly touching Simon's throat. It looked normal, but if it were anyone else, they would still be bearing the marks.

"It wasn't your fault. You didn't know what you were doing," Simon waved off.

"I guess I should be used to hurting people by now, whether it be by my own hand or my inaction."

"Alec-"

"I've watched that video hundreds of times. Of what I- what the demon made me do," Alec admitted.

"Why?" Simon asked, looking slightly horrified.

"There had to have been something I did wrong. A moment where I could've been better and stopped what was happening," Alec muttered, staring at Simon with so much regret. "I know it won't change what happened, but if it happens again, I need to be ready."

"Alec, none of that was your fault. You know Clary doesn't blame you at all," Simon insisted.

"She should."

"I know what that warlock made you think at Max's party, but I swear that Clary doesn't feel that way."

"People get hurt because of me. Magnus was t-tortured," Alec ground out, his voice catching against his will. "He was begging me for help and I stood by and did nothing. We're supposed to love each other and I couldn't even recognize that something was wrong?"

"That was a crazy and impossible situation. How were you supposed to know something like that could even happen?" Simon argued.

"I'm supposed to be a leader who people can trust. I have to make life and death decisions with confidence, but all I have to show for it is a trail of bodies."

"And do you think your body deserves to be at the end of it?" Simon challenged. "Do you still think dying is the right choice?" Alec sucked in a shaky breath. He didn't have an answer for that question. A part of him still ached to be done with all the pain of life and he wasn't sure that would ever go away. Hurting himself had always been something he could fall back on, even if he hadn't seen it in that way. Categorizing it like that made it sound so much worse than he wanted it to.

"I- I don't-"

"Do you really think your death would get rid of everyone's problems? That you're the one thing standing in the way of everyone being safe and happy?" Simon pressed.

"No, but I can't stand to be the cause of everyone's problems either!"

"Do you think Aldertree or Lydia would care as much as you do? Or even your parents?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"That's the difference between you and them. They are company men, through and through. They do what has to be done for the sake of things running smoothly and keeping the clave happy," Simon said, with a look of disgust. "But do you think they really cared about the people they were leading, like you do? Do you think they were affected by losses beyond the hassle of finding replacements and filling out paperwork? Do you think they anguished over making sure there was a just outcome in every decision they made? That's what makes you a good leader. You care. You just need to learn how to accept that sometimes things won't go your way and learn how to carry the burden without letting it crush you."

"I think you have too much faith in me," Alec mumbled.

"Alec, I would follow you into battle right now, without hesitation. You want to know why?"

"Why?"

"Because I trust your heart," Simon said, placing his palm over Alec's chest.

"I'm not sure I deserve that kind of confidence."

"I do, and I'll be confident enough for the both of us, until you start believing it too."

Magnus took a sip of his drink, staring out over the city that used to feel like home. It didn't so much anymore, not since Alexander left. He didn't know when his home had changed from a place to a person, but it had. And there was something so magical about finding that comfort in someone you loved. To know that wherever you were, as long as you had them, things would be okay. But now Alexander was gone and Magnus was really feeling it.

His brain knew that Alexander was safe and sound, tucked away in a place he'd handpicked for him, but that didn't help the loneliness he was feeling right now. He wanted Alexander in his arms, not finding himself in a cabin with Simon. But he knew it had to be done. Alexander had to put himself first and Magnus had to support him.

It never should've gotten to this point. Alexander had always been repressed and closed off, but Magnus was slowly getting him to relax and open up. Then life started getting in the way, chipping away the progress they were making, bit by bit. And Magnus had either been in denial and not wanting to see how bad it really was, or too self-centered. Deep down, he knew he was being hard on himself and there probably wasn't much he could've done, but it was hard to see reason when the person you love is hurting.

Magnus was sure of one thing though. When he finally got Alexander back, he was never letting him go again. He was going to be there for all the highs and lows, no matter what. He thought he knew love before, after his centuries of living, but this sweet boy came in and tossed all of that away. Alexander was it for him and that would never change.

Magnus was broken out of his musings by pounding on his door. He sighed, already knowing who it was. He could ignore them, even do a spell that would make it so he couldn't hear the sounds they were making anymore, but he figured he should get this over with now, rather than later. They were probably worried, even though it felt a bit too late for that.

"Isabelle, Jace, what a nice surprise," Magnus greeted, opening the door with magic to let them enter. "You know, most people call before they come over, but that's fine. I can make an exception for my second and fourth favorite shadowhunters."

"We did call, but you didn't pick up," Jace scoffed, stomping in with his arms crossed.

"And yet you didn't take the hint."

"Magnus, do you know where Alec is? He left a note saying he was going out of town and that we were in charge of the institute. Do you know anything about this?" Isabelle asked, the flares of anger she'd shown him the other night all but gone, leaving behind a worried sister. "It isn't like him to just leave."

"And no one else knows where he is either," Jace added, resting one hand next to his parabatai rune. Where was that connection when Alexander really needed it?

"Alexander is fine," Magnus assured them, pitying them enough to give them at least that.

"So you do know where he is. Is he here?" Jace demanded. "Alec!"

"He isn't here, but yes, I do know where he is. I'm the one who took him there. Did you think I had him shoved in a closet? I'm the one who helped bring him out of the last one."

"So, where is he? We need to talk to him," Isabelle sighed.

"He's busy and you can see him when he gets back. At least, when he's ready to talk to you."

"What is that supposed to mean? We're his family," Jace challenged.

"Maybe so, but you haven't really been showing him that recently, have you?" Magnus snapped. "In fact, ever since I met you, all you've done is do whatever you want and leave Alexander to pick up the pieces and deal with the consequences."

"Magnus, that's not fair," Isabelle gasped.

"Oh, I know. It's not fair to Alexander at all," Magnus spat. "I seem to recall you coming here the other night and placing all the blame on my shoulders. It doesn't feel good to be on the other side of it, does it?"

"I was angry and lashing out. I didn't mean it."

"You did mean it and that's fine. I was in denial of my part in this, just like you both are now. But I know that I made mistakes and I'm going to do everything that I can to fix them."

"How are we supposed to fix anything when we don't know where Alec is? If we can't even talk to him?" Isabelle asked, looking away as Magnus' words hit home.

"We aren't going to be able to fix anything with Alexander until we figure out what we did to let it get to this point. We need to figure out why it took the possibility of losing Alexander for us to figure out that something wasn't right. That we needed to change," Magnus said mournfully, including himself in the statement too. "If he comes back to us and we're the same as we were, who does that help?"

"Was it really that bad?" Jace asked, the reality of it all finally sinking in for him.

"Yes," Magnus said simply. He wasn't going to go into more detail about that, in respect of Alexander's privacy. That was his story to tell, if he ever decided to. "Look, it's not all our fault what's going on with Alexander. We all know that he has a tendency to carry loads he doesn't deserve. We just need to be better about reminding him that he isn't alone and we love him."

"Is he alone now?" Isabelle asked quietly.

"He's not. Alexander is in good hands," Magnus replied, thinking back to how fiercely Simon defended Alexander. Who knew that an almost outsider would be the one to show Magnus what was really going on. "If anything happens with Alexander, I promise I'll let you know. But other than that, I think it's best for you to leave. Alexander put a lot of faith in you when he left you in charge of the institute and I think it would mean a lot to him if he didn't have a mess to clean up when he comes back."

"If you talk to him, can you tell him I love him and I'm sorry?"

"From me too," Jace added.

"I will, but he's really going to need to hear it from you." They both nodded, slowly making their way out of his loft. He hadn't been as harsh as he thought he'd be, but he still got his point across. Magnus hoped that would be enough for them all to realize what they needed to do before Alexander came back. He wasn't the only one who needed to heal.