Author's Note: Trigger warning for talk of self-harm and suicide.

"How long do you think we're gonna have to be out here?" Alec sighed, looking out over the water. Simon had found a couple fishing poles in one of the closets, so they had their lines cast and bobbing. He didn't even know if there were fish in this lake, but it was a way to pass the time.

"We can go back to the cabin if you want?" Simon offered, squinting at a sudden ripple. It was just a bug.

"No, I meant here, in general," Alec said, waving around toward their surroundings.

"Oh. I'm not really sure," Simon shrugged. They were there for as long as Alec needed, but who knew how long that was going to take? And who was going to be the judge of that? Simon didn't think that was his call to make. It was easy to point out that Alec wasn't okay, but would it be just as easy to see when he was? What did a mentally healthy Alec even look like?

"I don't think I've ever gone this long without training. Even after an injury," Alec scoffed, staring down at his hands as he flexed his fingers. "Feels weird."

"Rest days are important. Or so I hear. I was never really one to go to a gym or anything."

"It's different when your skills determine if someone lives or dies," Alec pointed out.

"True, but wouldn't training while you were hurt make things worse?"

"I've never really been too seriously injured, so that hasn't been a problem. And our steles help take care of anything that happens," Alec brushed off.

"Must be nice having something like that available," Simon said, choosing his next words carefully. "Why didn't you use it before? The other night." Alec glanced away and Simon stayed silent, giving him time. All of their conversations felt like minefields, but this one was the most dangerous.

"I had been, before that. It was the only thing keeping me going," Alec admitted.

"What do you mean?" Simon pressed.

"There are runes that can help with a lot of different things. But if you try to use them too much, it's like their power burns out," Alec explained, running a hand down his face. "I wasn't eating or sleeping, so I was almost constantly drawing and activating them, just to get through the day. Trying to do my job and keep people from seeing what was really going on."

"Is that why you were hurt that night? Because the healing rune wouldn't work?" Simon asked. At Alec's quizzical look, he explained. "I could smell the blood on you."

"Oh, probably from my hand," Alec mumbled, rolling his eyes. "I kind of put it through a mirror."

"We've all been there," Simon chuckled. "So you were already injured and then I cracked your head open on the ground. I still feel bad about that."

"I goaded you into it," Alec waved off.

"But knowing that you didn't have your tool to make it better makes it all worse," Simon argued.

"I wouldn't-" Alec started, pursing his lips in frustration, "I wouldn't have used it. I hadn't been. Not for that."

"What?"

"Even when my runes were working, I wasn't using the healing one," Alec admitted.

"Were there more injuries I didn't see?" Simon asked carefully. Alec flicked his eyes up at him and nodded. "Why?"

"It's complicated."

"Can you try to explain it?"

"I deserved it. The pain." Simon wanted to scream and shake Alec until that idea flew out of his body. But getting upset for him wasn't going to help Alec work through his issues. He needed to face them head on and understand where they were coming from.

"Why do you think that? When did that feeling start?"

"When I was a kid, not long after Jace came to live with us, we were training together. It was this hand-to-hand combat move that my dad had made me practice for years. And within five minutes, Jace did it and had me pinned to the mat. Like it was nothing," Alec recounted, smiling ruefully. "Dad was there and saw it and he just gave me a look that was pure disappointment. Like I was worthless."

"You're not."

"So I excused myself from training with Jace and started shooting arrows. I did it for what felt like hours, until my fingers were cut and bloody. A scrape here and there wasn't too out of the ordinary, especially when I was younger. And usually I would use a rune to get rid of it quickly. But before I could, my dad walked in," Alec continued, staring out over the water. It looked like he was getting lost in the memory. "I was expecting a reprimand or lecture. Something that would verbalize his disappointment in me. But that isn't what I got."

"What happened?"

"He noticed my hands and got this look on his face. I can still see it if I concentrate enough," Alec mumbled, closing his eyes. "It was like an acknowledgment that what I'd done was right. That the pain was an appropriate consequence of my actions. And I was probably imagining, but it looked like there was a bit of pride there too. Like I'd taken the initiative and made the right choice." Simon was glad that Alec still had his eyes closed, because he was currently planning the murder of Robert Lightwood.

"Alec, that's not-"

"And so I didn't use my stele. I let the pain be a reminder to do better. I couldn't do it in the open after that, for a few reasons, but I found a way around that. So every time I messed up, I'd do the same thing. No big deal."

"Alec, that is a big deal. Hurting yourself is a big deal!"

"It's not as bad as you're making it sound," Alec insisted.

"Does anyone else know about this?"

"Not really. Magnus saw the aftermath once and tried to talk to me about it, but the conversation didn't go too far. We were both dealing with things at the time. And he didn't know that it was a habit."

"How often do you do it now?"

"I don't know. It's not like there's a schedule or anything."

"What feeling do you get that tells you to self-harm?"

"Don't call it that," Alec sighed, shaking his head. "It feels so…"

"Serious? Because it is," Simon pointed out. "If hurting yourself is acceptable, it's easier to make that leap to something further. And we've already seen that happen."

"That wasn't the same," Alec argued, but Simon could see that even he didn't believe his words.

"But how did you feel before you made that decision?"

"Hopeless," Alec whispered, blinking rapidly as he stared down at his lap. "Like nothing would be able to get rid of the pain I was feeling and I just couldn't take it anymore. And what I'd already done hadn't worked."

"Do you think hurting yourself before ever really helped? Beyond maybe a few seconds of distraction from the real pain?" Simon asked, keeping a white-knuckled grip on his own emotions.

"I don't know."

"Do you think you would've had to keep doing it if it did?"

"It just- it gave me something I could look at to blame the pain I was feeling on."

"But then the real pain kept coming back because you never dealt with the true cause of it."

"I didn't know how to. It felt like my own weakness that no one else should have to deal with. But it was too big to do on my own," Alec mumbled.

"Well, I'll tell you one thing. You're not alone with this anymore," Simon said confidently, wrapping his arm around Alec's shoulders. "You've got me."

"That's too much to put on you," Alec sighed, rolling his head to the side to meet his eyes. "I can't ask you for more than you've already done."

"You're not asking, I'm offering. And I'm here, aren't I? Why would I come out here if I wasn't serious about going all the way with you?"

"For a free vacation?" Alec joked.

"As if this has been so relaxing," Simon snorted.

"Sorry."

"I'm kidding. This is exactly where I want to be," Simon said, getting serious. "If you ever feel like hurting yourself again, will you talk to me instead? We don't even have to talk about anything important. Just anything but causing yourself pain."

"I don't want to bother you."

"Alec, if you call, I will answer. No matter the time, no matter what I'm doing, no matter who I'm with. Your life is more important and other things can wait," Simon insisted firmly. He was going to have to talk to Magnus about getting him a cell phone that would work in other realms, just in case.

"Will you talk to me now?" Alec asked softly, wringing his hands a little.

"Sure. About what?"

"Anything. Just…"

So Simon did. He filled the space with words, giving Alec something to focus on besides the urge to distract himself with pain. Simon talked about television shows that Alec had never heard of and books he'd never read. Alec listened, sitting quietly and nodding along with Simon's rambling.

He didn't know if what they'd talked about helped at all, but it was one of those things they had to wait and see on. And Simon was being completely truthful about what he offered. Alec needed to know that he had someone to turn to whenever he got the urge to harm again. And maybe that was too much responsibility to put on Simon's shoulders alone, but he would bear it as long as necessary. Anything to keep Alec safe and alive.