Alec woke up the next morning before the sun came up. He'd fallen asleep again to the sound of Simon's voice. It was still weird, but a little less so. After so much time spent together, they were getting a bit more comfortable with each other. And Simon hadn't judged him through any of it. He gave his opinion and challenged him, but it was never from a place of malice. It was an understanding that Alec still couldn't quite figure out, but appreciated.

He crept out onto the porch, sitting down on a bench near the door. Alec hadn't really taken a moment of quiet for himself since he got there, besides under the influence of Simon. But his vampire companion was still asleep, so he was on his own. He did have a lot to think about.

When they first came here, Alec didn't have much hope that things would get better. His plan at first had been to take a day or two to figure out how to get back to how he was before all the drama in his life started. Alec would convince Simon that he was okay, then do the same with everyone at home.

So it came as quite a shock when Simon systematically broke through all of his walls and exposed all of his weak spots. But instead of leaving him there to suffer, he stayed. Simon put in the work to try to build him back up to somewhere better than he started. And without the promise of personal gain in return.

Alec admitted to and opened up about more than he ever expected. There were so many things he buried that he never planned on letting out. There was never anything to gain from it, in his eyes. Exposing weakness was a good way for someone to have leverage over you and that was dangerous in his world.

But Alec felt different after having let it all out. Like there was a pressure inside of his body that had been there for so long that he hadn't even noticed until it was gone. There was still so much left that he needed to work on, but for the first time in his life, it felt like it was possible. That there was a chance for something truly good out there for him if he just tried to get it.

Alec wanted to stand up to his parents and force them to see him. Not the person they wanted him to be, but the person he actually was. The man who could be a strong leader, but also feel things. Compassion didn't have to be a weakness, nor did accepting help. Having people you could trust and rely on was a privilege, not a sign that you weren't good enough. And if they couldn't accept that, couldn't accept him, he didn't need them in his life.

Alec wanted that bond he had all his life with Izzy back. No more wondering if she was hiding her true feelings about him, only to let them out under the influence of a demon. No more of her struggling under the weight of addiction without thinking she could come to him with it. And no more of him hiding what he was feeling either. They used to be able to tell each other everything, down to the most embarrassing confessions. They'd taken that ability for granted, but he was determined for them to get it back even stronger.

Jace was his parabatai. No matter what, that was never going to change. They may have lost focus on what that meant recently, but it never changed what it meant deep down. They'd made a lifelong pact with each other and Alec held it in high regard. Just because they were adding new people into their lives didn't mean their spots were taken away. Things were just different, but that didn't mean it had to be worse. They could build each other up, instead of fighting against the things and people who made them happy. Like Clary. And Magnus.

It felt like a lightning bolt shot through his body at the thought of his love. Alec had never felt anything like that before and it didn't seem like it was easy to come by either. It had to be special. It had to mean something that colors were brighter and food tasted better and his steps felt lighter when Magnus was around.

But that didn't mean it was always going to be easy. They were both stubborn and passionate and set in their ways. But wasn't what they had worth the work? Wouldn't Alec go to the ends of the earth just to see Magnus smile? Magnus would, even though that feat would be a lot easier for him and he'd pretty much done it for a croissant on a whim. But even if it did take more effort, Magnus would do it. They may have fought and broken up and avoided each other, but neither of them had been happy about it. There was no relief in being apart. So didn't that mean they should be together? If he wanted it and Magnus wanted it, wasn't that the sign that Alec needed to get better?

Magnus deserved the best version of Alec there was. But what did that even look like? He changed himself to fit the mold of whoever people wanted him to be, but who was he really? And when he finally became his real self and lived his truth, would Magnus still love him? In the end, he had to take the risk either way. Alec couldn't go on pretending to be someone else. It hadn't worked before and he was finally starting to understand why.

Hiding who you really were was hard work. There was never a time you could fully relax and let go, needing to be ready at the drop of a hat to put on a show. And Alec was tired. He wasn't even fully sure he'd stopped doing it completely, but the small concessions he'd allowed himself felt so powerful. Who knew that admitting something as innocuous as French pastries not being his absolute favorite to one person could mean so much? That fact didn't matter much in the long run, but the fact that he hadn't been shunned or lectured after speaking his truth meant something. Maybe he could do the same with more important things and get the same reaction. And maybe it would still be worth it if he got a bad reaction too.

Alec had to trust that the people around him loved him and wouldn't leave him, even if he changed. That they didn't only care about the version of himself that he'd presented for so long. That they would love him just as much when he was being honest. Did he? And was he ready to find out for sure?

"Hey," Simon said quietly, walking carefully over to the bench Alec was on and sitting down on the other end. He reached over, setting a tissue in his hand. Alec looked at it curiously until Simon gently gripped his wrist and brought his hand up to his face, dabbing the tissue against his cheeks. When had he started crying?

"Oh," Alec whispered, now recognizing the little hitch in his breath and the way his eyes were burning and made everything blurry.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Simon asked. It felt like if he opened up this time, the conversation would be different. That they were getting to a point where they wouldn't be able to accomplish much more, at least not here.

"I'm okay."

"I know that, but we can still talk if-"

"No, I mean, I'm okay," Alec repeated a bit more confidently. "I think maybe I'm not so bad. Like, as a person."

"Oh," Simon said brightly, shooting him what looked like a proud smile. "I think you're right. In fact, I think you're a great person."

"Thank you," Alec murmured, clearing his throat. "I don't know if this is the right decision, but there is something pulling me to do this. And you said I should trust my instincts, right?"

"What is it?" Simon asked, but Alec had a feeling he already knew. Simon just wanted him to be the one to say it. To be the one to take this last step and make the decision. It was somehow scarier than walking alone into battle against a dozen demons, but maybe that proved it was worth it. Maybe he was ready to take the leap.

"I think I'm ready to go home."