Author's Note : Thank you all for your reviews! Sorry this took longer to be updated than before, but here it is! Enjoy!
I said I'll be working on it. That's what I told her, right? Then she said 'Ok', after a series of 'yes' through the shock and surprise to me admitting that part of the fall of our marriage is my fault. I remember looking up at her that night, expecting something from her, something more than just one-syllable words. But nothing. Then I remember giving a small smile before turning by back to take off my watch, getting ready to snuggle up in bed like I do every night. After that, I made a decision to get rid of the trailer she had hated so much and build a house on the land to show that I really am working on our marriage. What's more, I let her pick the house, knowing that she'll choose something close to the style of New York. And I was right. But there was a compromise between the both of us, if you think about it. The surroundings was Seattle, Addison had not ask to move away from what she once called the forest to live in some place that is more...city-like. I was surprised, really, when she accepted the piece of land I picked out. So now, after the house is built, we'll be living in New York, in Seattle. If that made sense.
And now to the thing that has been bugging me since that faithful walk with Doc--Meredith. I should have known something was going to go wrong the moment she stood in front of me with that tight smile across her face. She said she's trying to move on, that I shouldn't expect her to wait forever. She was right, she should move on. In fact, she should hate me, but she doesn't. She accepted my offer to be her friend. I mean, I didn't tell her that I'm married, I started wooing her only hours after I got thrown out of her house. Then I fell in love with her... or did I? I'm pretty sure I did. I told Addison that on Christmas night and that was the very very first Christmas that we've spent away from each other, as a married couple. But is that why I couldn't let her go? I never could understand it myself. I chose my wife when she showed me a way out of our marriage, and I couldn't let go of my girlfriend, who shouldn't have been my girlfriend in the first place. I told Meredith 'ok', that we should stop doing the things we have been doing--which I assumed, is all the eye-contact flirtings, the low whispers down her neck, the secret sniffing of her hair each time we think Addison isn't around. But why? Why did she say that, all of a sudden? Our secret, emotional relationship was going on quite peacefully, and she just turned up without warning and threw a bomb on top of me, telling me that it's wrong, for me to be making eyes at her. She's right, though, but I still wanted to know why. So I asked. And she said there was someone else. There was someone else! Since when has there been someone else! I remember that during my internship, I had worked my butt off to prove to the doctors that I am worth it, and there was absolutely no time for meeting friends outside the hospital. So who could this 'someone else' that Meredith mentioned be? George? Alex? Preston! It couldn't be. None of them could be, but yet in her eyes, I know she's telling the truth. Was it one of her ex-boyfriends? Because I remember that I never had time to mingle around outside the hospital long enough to make friends when I was serving my internship. The only friends I had for awhile are my colleges, Addison was my girlfriend. And there Mark Sloan. He was my best friend since high school, we walked the same medical path, we ended up in the same internship program, so on and so forth.
Now, to another question that has been bugging me. Why did I go back to Addison then? Technically, she cheated--with my best friend. She cheated and I had no obligation to try to work on the marriage that I thought, at that point of time, was beyond repair. But granted, partially of the downfall of our marriage was my fault. I wasn't there for her, I wasn't there at all. Then when she cheated, I couldn't see why, and when she tried to explain, I didn't listen. However, at that point of time when Meredith had practically forced me to choose, when I could only see that the fall of our marriage was entirely Addie's fault, I chose not to sign the papers. Why? Was it because deep down inside me, I knew that Addison didn't just go out there to sleep with my best friend? Because I knew, somehow, that I had done something to drive her to sleeping with Mark? ...maybe. Probably.
So Meredith said she needed to move on, and that I should move on, because we both know we're not fully over each other--yet. And so because she asked me to, I will try. Perhaps then I can commit myself fully into trying to make my marriage work. Nevertheless, the unanswered questions will remain in my mind. Why had I chose Addison? Why did I go after Meredith knowing that she's supposed to be my one night stand, even when technically, I'm married? Why couldn't I let Meredith go? Why?
- Derek Shepherd
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Addison twirled the leash around her hand as she jogged alongside Doc, whose furry body bounced up and down as its four paws pounded onto the rough surface of the trail. Finally, they stopped. Addison closed her eyes and drew in a deep breathe, calming her fast beating heart down. Endorphin. It definitely helps one relax, and feel better, happier, like they had just ran away from their troubles. Addison stretched her neck slightly, then breathed out, slowly opening her green eyes to the warm light of the morning sun.
"Ahh!" she shrieked, jumping when she saw the woman standing in front of her. Meredith chuckled at Addison's reaction, a smile slide across her face. "Good morning to you too, Addison." she greeted. Addison placed a hand on her chest as she glanced down, noticing that Doc was already circling around Meredith's feet, rubbing against her sneakers before running off to chase the butterflies.
"Meredith!" Addison finally breathed out. "What are you doing here?" she asked, starting with a slow stroll towards the direction that the dog went into. Meredith shrugged casually. "Since Derek wouldn't be expecting me on the trail anymore, this is the only way to have fun with Doc." she explained. Addison turned to her curiously. "So this, it's only for Doc." she confirmed. Meredith turned to her with a laugh. "Yes. And of course, there's you." she teased.
"Oh yea, and there's me." Addison played along. They continued down the path side by side in silence for awhile before Meredith turned to her.
"Does Derek know?"
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Things had gotten out ofhand ever since that fateful day in the hospital. And by 'things', I wasn't referring to things related to my work. By 'things', I'm referring to my love life. The relationships of love that I'm involve in. It wasn't that complicated to begin with, honestly. Although it had been complicated since the day I slept with Mark, but not as complicated as it is now. Sleeping with Mark was a mistake, I swear, but yet I stayed with him after Derek left for New York. I guess that a part of me just needed to feel wanted, to feel loved, and Mark is the person to provide all that I need. He's a great friend, really, but sleeping with him had put an end to our friendship, and to his friendship with Derek.
The moment Derek returned the unsigned papers to me, I knew I had to end it with Mark. I couldn't keep him waiting and waiting in New York. If I'm staying with Derek, he needs to move on too. So from that night onwards, I stopped being Mark's girlfriend and continued being Mrs. Shepherd. It was definitely tougher than being Mark's girlfriend. But I couldn't blame Derek. After all, I was the one who cheated. But he chose me, that's all that mattered, right? At least, for that moment, it was. And I took the cheap shots he threw at me, I looked pass the painful moments where he had chose to ignore me, try to forget the horrible night that he revealed that he's in love with Meredith, and the night that he said it'd be good if I could wait it out--for his feelings for Meredith to pass. Normally, I would have said "enough is enough", but I deserve all that, don't I? I cheated on him, with Mark, his best friend. I pulled a wall down between them and crushed years of their friendship the night my lips parted to kiss Mark's. And the nasty attitudes from Derek happened for awhile before things became better between us, and one fine night, he came home, and as though something had made him do it, he apologized, now taking half the blame of the downfall of our marriage when I was so sure that before, he was putting the full blame on me--because I cheated. And it is complicating because right now, we'll have to get pass the fact that I slept with Derek's best friend, and then sort out the issues that are already present in the marriage before Mark happened. That, is going to take a long, long time, unless of course, Derek is willing to commit a hundred percent in the marriage and work on it instead of making eyes and having silent flirtations with Meredith now and then. He thought I wouldn't notice. But as his wife for more than 11 years, I did.
And then Meredith told me that Derek was taking walks with her in the mornings when it was his turn to walk our dog. Our dog that belonged to Meredith. Meredith, who kissed me on the lips, whom I actually kissed back. As if the initial love triangle among the three of us wasn't complicated enough already. So here's the thing, Derek has feelings for the both Meredith and myself, Meredith clearly has feelings for both Derek and I, and as for me, I know I still love my husband, but somehow, I couldn't help but find myself falling for the intern. Now in a situation like this, Derek would run away from the complications. If not emotionally, he runs away physically, leaving everything behind. He'd make a good fugitive, seriously. Just pack up and leave without second thoughts, without considerations. But I'm not Derek, and I wouldn't be like him. I wouldn't run away, I would stay and try to sort things out. How? I have no idea yet, but I'll figure it out.
- Addison Montgomery Shepherd
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Addison's gaze shifted as Meredith tried to read her from her eyes.
"Oh." Meredith said in realization, now looking straight ahead. Addison sighed, giving her a shrug. "I... I just don't know how to tell him, Meredith. How do I tell him?" she asked, turning to Meredith in hope for an answer. Instead, Meredith turned to her with a smile. "I don't know." she admitted. "But I know you'll figure it out." she said, then held out her hand to Addison as she jogged forward.
"I'll wait." she said, her smile widening into a grin. "C'mon, let's go for a run."
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Alright, now this is waaaay too dramatic for my already dramatic life to handle. My mother has Alzheimer, I had one too many one night stands, I fell for the married attending, who happened to be one of my one night stands, I broke a guy's penis. Ok, no, I didn't. He had a neurological condition that cause the erection to stay. Then I slept with George, which is definitely a mistake. And now? I kissed Addison. Twice. Once in the hallway of empty gurneys, another time when I showed up unexpected when Addison was walking Doc. And twice, she kissed back. Then in the nights after the first kiss, even in my waking hours when the sun is shining above me, Addison had been on my mind. First it was the confusion about the first kiss we had, the wonder of why she kissed me back. Then it became the admiration towards her, and the beauty of hers that captured my attention. And slowly, I realized that I'm actually falling for her. For real.
As I know that Derek and Addison takes turns to walk Doc (because Derek told me), I figured; the days that Derek wasn't at the trail walking Doc, there's a good chance that Addison will be there. Unless, of course, Derek decides to take Doc out on one of Addison's days. But I went there anyway, taking the risk of meeting Derek at the trail on the day where Addison was supposed to have her turn in walking the dog. I even came up with an excuse for Derek if he was there and he asks about my appearance. But thankfully, it had been Addison who appeared from around the corner after Doc came running up to me. And she asked how I knew where to find her. It was then that I knew Derek didn't tell his wife about our walks. But I had to ask, "Derek didn't tell you?", and then I had to explain the walks that we took. Good going, Meredith!
Then I told her that I had to go. I didn't want to be late for work again or Bailey would seriously think I enjoy spending time with Addison. I mean, I do, but the entire hospital doesn't have to even suspect, you know. Then I didn't know what took over me, I ran back up to Addison and kissed her on the lips. And she kissed back. I felt all happy inside when I feel her lips part under mine as we held on to the kiss a little longer.
That night, like any other night before Derek walk the trail with Doc, I lay in bed to think. Should I go? Do I want to go? I don't know, because I really want to move on. And I thought I had when I started feeling something for Addison. But I was wrong. I wasn't over Derek. And I knew I had to make a choice. I didn't want to be like Derek because what he's doing is unfair. So I went to meet him the next day, and I told him that whatever we're doing has to stop. Because he's with Addison and because I want to move on. I do, I really do. Derek lied to me, he insisted to date me even when he's clearly aware of his status--married, and he went back to his wife after he told me that we'll be free after he signs the papers, and he even told me that from the night Addison cheated onwards, she was of no existence to him. But he had lied about that. And I suddenly realize that even if I had waited for his marriage to fall and for him to come running back to me, I wasn't so sure if I could take him back.
Then I paged Addison after Derek confronted me during surgery, admitting to her that I wasn't over her husband. She didn't say anything, but just held me as I sob into her shoulders. I've made my choice, I'm moving on from Derek. What's going to happen with Addison, I don't know. Only time will tell.
I met her at the trail again today, and I asked "Does Derek know?". The look on her face told me he didn't. But I understand. I wouldn't know how to tell Derek either if I were in her position. Plus, 11 years of marriage isn't something to be thrown out of the window overnight. I told her I'd wait.
- Meredith Grey
Author's Note : I actually decided to write on the thoughts of the three of them instead of moving on with the storyline for this chapter. I don't know why I thought it's a good idea but I did, so I just went with it. lol. Perhaps because during the actual storyline, I feel that it would kinda disrupt the flow of the story if suddenly, following an event, there is an entire paragraph filled with thoughts of a particular character. Anyway, I hope you all like this as much as the previous chapters!
- Jessica