No pirates were harmed in the making of this production. Except when it was really amusing for them to be injured.

Zuko had been quiet.

Apart from occasional grunts, he had said nothing all day. He was just sitting there, drawing something up. Finally he grunted. "Finished. Idea. Good." Then he passed it to Mako.

The bespectacled pirate frowned as he scanned it. "I see no reason why this would fail, but where are we going to find this many porcupines on short notice?"

"Not porcupine. Giant spike traps." Zuko slapped his hands together.

"Oh…" Mako frowned. "All right, it could work. Gonzo?"

"I'm not helping." The large pirate muttered from his corner.

"Oh, come on, Gonzo! Look, I understand that you don't like how we keep rejecting your idea, but the problem is it's such a stupid idea!" Mako realized that was not a good thing to say. Shortly before he found himself shoved into a wall. His voice muffled, he mumbled, "…the rest of you, please set up Zuko's idea…"

It was a masterpiece of pirate industry and technology. Spanning nearly 30 levels of death-causing deathyness, it had been assembled over the course of just one night. Zuko took a step back and looked at the finishing touches. "Is good. Will not fail!" The dungeon had been designed such that only Link and Tetra, working together, would be able to reach the bottom safely and find the 'treasure'. Which, in reality, would be the knowledge that they needed and loved each other.

Every pirate (except Gonzo) had played a part in building this. And now all of them, except Gonzo, were at the bottom, putting down their tools. Mako looked at the plans. "It is beautiful, is it not?"

Senza nodded. "It is, Mako. Now, how do we get out of here?"

Mako checked. "Oh, that's simple. We simply walk up the path and go outside again."

"Up the path."

"Yes."

"The path designed to force Link and Tetra to work together."

"That's the one."

"The path that we filled with every monster, device, and pain-causing monstrosity we could find."

"Ye…oh."

"How do we get out of here, Mako?"

"Now, calm down. I'm sure Link and Tetra will be along any minute once we activate this." Mako swallowed. "I hope." Then he pressed the button that would turn the whole thing on.

Tetra sighed and smiled again at one of Alfonz's joke. She kept darting glances at Link, who seemed to be enjoying himself immensely with Rose. Look at him, making her smile at his jokes, kissing her, feeling her up… As she thought that, she took Alfonz's hand and placed it on her thigh, then kissed him on the lips. I hate him!

Link glowered over at Tetra from the corner of his eye. Look at her! Laughing at his jokes, letting him kiss her, letting him feel her up! He pulled Rose onto his lap, watching her giggle, and smiled a little. I hate her!

Mister Wilbert walked nervously into the bar. Everywhere he went, he was seeing those pirates. Those horrible, horrible pirates. Once he was certain that they weren't around, he nervously sat on a chair. Only for it to collapse underneath him, as a massive and dangerous tunnel opened up below.

Dark laughter echoed out from inside. Link and Alfonz both rose to their feet. "Stay here!" They said to the girls, in unison. Then, together, they both flicked the ends of their pointy hats back and ran forward.

Tetra waited until the last moment, then stuck her foot out and tripped Link over. He toppled against the wall. "The last thing a professional like Alfonz needs is your 'help', Link." Tetra spat, sweeping to her feet and turning around to walk off.

Link rose to his feet. He had finally had enough. "That is it, Tetra!" He ripped her amulet from his neck and threw it to the ground in front of her. "That's it, you miserable little…moblin!"

Rose squeaked at the thought that Alfonz had gone down into the spooky cave on his own, and jumped down. Tetra didn't notice that either of them had left, and instead simply glowered into Link's eyes. "You know, Ganondorf asked me to marry him! And looking at you, I wish I had! You…you…you darknut!" She backhanded him.

Link slapped her across the face. "You know what? I wish I had never rescued you! I should have let that bird eat you!"

Tetra rubbed her face where she had touched him, and then her eyes began to burn. "Oh yeah? I wish I had never gone to your stupid island, you horrible…I don't know what you are, that's how horrible you are!"

"So do I!"

"Good!"

"Good!"

"That's settled then."

"It is!"

"Goodbye, then."

"Goodbye!" They both glowered at one another, then turned on their heels and walked in opposite directions. Tetra paused and looked over her shoulder, her expression softening a little. "Link…"

He didn't turn around at all. "Get lost. It's over between us."

Her eyes sharpened up again, and then she hurled her ring at the back of his head. "Fine! I hate you anyway! Keep the stupid ring, I never want to see you again!" She ran off crying.

Link picked the ring up and rolled it between his fingers, then slid it into his pocket. I'll find someone else to give this to. Then he leaned forward and covered his eyes for a moment. "Bartender, get me a glass of boka venom…"

Two hours later…

"Hello, my name is Nudge…and I'm a kleptomaniac." He stood up in front of the other pirates and tapped his hands together.

"Hi Nudge!" The others chorused.

"It started when I was little. Sometimes I would take toys that belonged to the other kids and not give them back. Then I moved on…" He sniffled. "Then I moved onto larceny, fraud… and suddenly I found myself a pirate. I keep telling myself I can give it up, that after the next job it's all over. But…"

"Um…are we interrupting anything?" Alfonz poked his head in. Rose was resting against his arm and seemed very happy to be there.

Nudge shook his head. "No, not at…oh, you're not Link. Or Tetra."

"Nah, last we saw them they had just stormed off." Alfonz laughed a little nervously. "Really angry woman."

Zuko grumbled. "Plan fail? Why plan fail! Plan not fail like!"

Mako patted him on the back. "It's okay. Hey, now that the traps are tripped, at least we can get upstairs!" All the pirates quickly crowded through the door.

Alfonz laughed a little. "Um…yeah. About that. You see, I'm really just a big fraud." He rubbed the back of his head. "I teleported down here, so…" There were a lot of loud screams, the sound of a lot of darts being jabbed into soft flesh, then more screams, a rolling sound, and then a squeak. "The traps weren't really… ah ha, I see you've…um…found out."

"Mmmph!" Mako shouted at Zuko from behind his bandages. "Mmmph, mmmph mmmph."

"That wasn't very nice of you, Mako." Senza said from where he sat in his full-body cast. "At least we know that the traps worked, eh? Am I right?"

"Mmmph mmmph, mmmph mmmph mmmphmmph mmmph."

Nudge sighed. "No more Link and Tetra. All done." He tried to wipe a tear away from his face, but couldn't move his bandaged torso.

(Not) The End

Just a couple of chapters to go, my friends. But I'm not saying what's going to happen. Also, there might be a couple of surprises after the 'end'. You interested? Of course you are! Remember, feed your authors by reviewing for them!

Completely Artificial Spoilers

Next on Pirate's Problem…

"Gonzo, I have to tell you something." Tetra said, from where she was standing at the window. "I'm carrying Nudge's baby."

…

Niko spun around in his chair and raised his pinky to his face. "You heard me, President Alfonz. I hold the triforce. And unless I am paid 10,000,000 rupees by this time tomorrow, I shall use it."

…

"Esteemed members of the house," Senza stood on the podium. "Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger." He clenched his fists and slammed one down on the wooden surface. "But with the unbounded determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph."

"So help us Goddesses. And Goddesses bless Hyrule."

…

Link rose a hand to the adoring masses, saluting them all. He was dressed in his normal outfit, though this time he was wearing khaki. "Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new piglet for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Ganondorf!" He drew his sword and pointed it to the heavens.

…

Senza's lifeblood ran from his side. With a short gasp for breath, he reached up to the man who had slain him. "There is one thing I must tell you, Link… your father lives…"

Link stared down at Senza, and then at the other bodies around him. "…Senza? …Niko? Nudge? Oh no…what have I done…" He dropped his sword. "What have I done?"