"SALE SALE SALE!"
Outside a warehouse, a group of female Konoha residents and Lee were waiting. As soon as a hired Chunin removes the barrier rope, the females and Lee ran into the warehouse.
Gai's V/O: "You have to get in quick for this massive sale! Slimming Spandex! All the colors of the rainbow. Must be gone within 925 words! Or ANBU will burn the place down for insurance purposes! We have massive discounts! 70 percent! 80 Percent! 90 Percent! Even 99 Percent discount!"
Lee was pushing through a group of angry women trying to get his hands on the different colored spandexes.
Gai's V/O: "This is our 'Serious, we're not lying to you because we're Closing Down sale!', after our popular 'Closing Down Sale', 'Really, we're closing down sale!' and the 'cross our hearts, cross our fingers, pinky promise, unbreakable vow, are we really going to lie to you, Closing Down Sale!'"
Sakura and Ino were having a tug-o-war over a dark blue spandex before Lee took it off them while carrying a very large pile of spandex.
Gai's V/O: "Head straight to Konoha Warehouse 53! Before ANBU burns it down!"
Maito Gai's Spandex Emporium: At Konoha Warehouse 53
Naruto's War Against Everything
Episode 05: Actually, it's still The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series
By PikaFlash
Disclaimers: As usual, all characters, scenes, songs, ideas and famous speeches belong to their respective owners.
Summary: Sasuke is sick and Sakura decides to stay home to help him rest. One day, Sakura accidentally let slip some forms giving Sasuke life insurance. Sasuke was angry when he found out, but Sakura told Sasuke that she also placed life insurance on herself. Feeling like he almost became Naruto, he apologized. Then, Sakura stabbed Sasuke from behind with a kunai.
Apology: Sorry about the change of titles, but ever since I started this fanfic, I was hoping to strictly keep it a Team Gai fanfic, but as one would need more characters to expand the humor, I decided to change the name.
Second Apology: I had too much sugar while doing Episode 4.
Third Apology: I'm now taking a big risk by adding some controversy to the fanfic.
Naruto was at the newsdesk.
"This first one has us talking about the mystery of disappearing crew on ships. Take for example, the story of the Merry Go, whose crew has gone missing."
On a pirate ship restaurant, Shikamaru, Choji, Ino, Tenten, Neji and Gai were having a big meal when the chef, Sanji from One Piece, walked to the table. (A special cameo appearance for this fanfic)
"Is there anything else I can get for you?" asked Sanji.
"Would you mind giving us the bill?" asked Gai.
Sanji walked off. As soon as the chef was out of hearing range, Gai whispered, "We're going to make a run for it. Now."
The group quickly left the table.
Sanji walked out of the kitchen, only to find the table empty. "Those bastards!"
Everyone took the only available lifeboat and started paddling away from the ship.
"Come back here, you bastards!" screamed Sanji.
Sasuke and Sakura were in a car with Sasuke driving. Sasuke spots a sign, reading, 'ANBU now targeting: Fatigue.'
Sakura and Sasuke suddenly let out a slight yawn from their mouths; Kakashi silently appeared from the back seat and slit both Sasuke and Sakura's throats in an instant before the car slowly makes a stop on the side of the road, with a dead Sasuke behind the wheel and his dead passenger.
Naruto and Hinata were at an outdoor restaurant, having a candlelight dinner. Both of them looked at each other in the eyes. As both have enjoyed their dinner, Naruto and Hinata looked at each other. Hinata was moving her face closer to Naruto's face, both know what they wanted. They began kissing each other. As Naruto reached into his pocket to pull out his wallet...
Ka-ching!
Film Director Kurenai pauses the film on a computer as she and Editor Kakashi were putting the scenes together.
"Kakashi, what the hell was that?" asked Kurenai.
"It was a sound effect."
"What was that sound effect for?"
"The sound effect is to say that the man was going to get his money to pay the bill," explained Kakashi.
Kurenai sighed. "Kakashi...this film is going to premiere at the Anime Film Festival and I doubt that the audience will watch it if you would add such a dumb sound effect, especially using a cash register sound effect for paying the bill. Remove it."
"Alright." Kakashi presses a few keys and plays the scene again.
The film resumes where Naruto and Hinata were kissing. As Naruto reached into his pocket...
Ka-ching!
Kurenai presses the pause button. "Kakashi!"
"I'm sorry," apologized Kakashi. "I just think that the sound effect helps. I mean, I hear the sound effect when the guy puts his hands in his pocket for his wallet during the kiss, I know that he's going to pay the bill."
"Kakashi, I don't need sound effects to tell me that he's going to pay the bill. And in my opinion, I would leave it up to the audience to figure out that he's going to pay the bill. Just remove the sound effect."
"Alright, Kurenai."
Kakashi presses a few keys and then plays the scene again.
The film resumes where Naruto and Hinata were kissing. As Naruto reached into his pocket, he pulls out his wallet as the waiter brings the bill.
Kakashi paused the film.
"That's better," said Kurenai.
Someone was knocking at the door. "Pizza Delivery!"
"Don't worry, Kurenai, this one is my treat."
As Kakashi reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet...
Ka-ching!
Kurenai had a surprised look on her face.
"Yeah, it happens to me all the time whenever I take out my wallet."
"SALE SALE SALE!"
Lee was running through a warehouse past the female population of Konoha trying to get the cheap slimming fabric.
Gai's V/O: "ANBU has just burnt down our warehouse, but we were able to recover some of our stock! Including this priceless Maito Gai Original Green Spandex that was used when he was a Genin! Was Priceless, now at 50 Ryou! That's right! 50 RYOU!"
Lee takes the priceless spandex off the clothing rack.
Gai's V/O: "We are now desperate to get rid of everything, or ANBU will find us and kill us all!"
Lee was trying to push a large container full of Spandexes but he wasn't strong enough.
Gai's V/O: "We will also give you this entire container full of Spandexes, if you can carry it away!"
Hinata runs out of the warehouse, carrying bags of orange and indigo-blue spandexes.
Gai's V/O: "Head straight to Konoha Warehouse 53 for the 'Seriously, we're closing down or ANBU will kills us' Sale! Or it'll be a bloodbath!"
Maito Gai's Spandex Emporium: At Konoha Warehouse 53
Kakashi was wearing a scarf instead of his usual mask. With him were Kurenai, Gai and Asuma.
"I need a new mask that can hide my identity," said Kakashi. "My old cloth mask has been tattered and a knight's iron helmet won't do me any good."
"Are you sure?" asked Gai. "I thought iron is a fruit?"
"I have an idea." Kurenai dug her hands into her backpack and pulled out a tube of facial cream and cucumbers.
The next day, the four Jounins have ambushed a group of Stone Shinobis.
"You won't get away with this, Kakashi!" said one of the ninjas.
"Oh yeah? With my new mask, you won't be able to recognize me!" yelled back Kakashi, who happens to be wearing a facial mask with cucumbers covering his eyes.
"Well, we will touch and smell the faces of every single men in Konoha for the scent of apricot and cucumber!" retorted the Stone ninja.
"Apricot's a metal," said Gai.
Then, Kakashi, Gai, Asuma and Kurenai made a suicidal charge towards enemy lines, all wearing facial products.
Narration: "A few days later, the Kakashi gang made one last stand against the Stone Shinobis. None of them survived, but the Stone said that they were the most beautiful Konoha ninjas ever seen in battle..."
Neji and Lee were looking at a map a desert.
"Lets see. We are currently at this location on the map," said Neji, pointing to a particular spot. "And the enemies are right behind us."
Neji and Lee turned around to see a group of sound ninjas, waiting to pounce.
"So, I think it is a good idea for us to start moving away from this spot," said Neji, as he and Lee slowly walked away with the Sound Ninjas slowly following the duo.
The Hi5 of the Konoha - The HamHam Gang
Ino was playing a guitar with Chouji standing next to her. Both of them were dressed like the hamsters from Hamtaro, with Hinata dressed like the Dark Magician Girl (the Yu-Gi-Oh card) in the background.
Song: "We're the...HamHam gang in a HamHam World."
Naruto jumps in followed by a grumpy Shikamaru, with Naruto dressed like a hamster and Shikamaru dressed in overalls, like Mario, the Italian plumber)
Song: "Having HamHam fun, in a HamHamHamHam Way."
Ino/Chouji: "It's the HamHam friends that we like to play."
Naruto/Shikamaru: "We hug and kiss, but not in every way."
"I'm Chouji, I'm firm."
"I'm Naruto, I'm buff."
"I'm Ino, I'm pert."
"I'm Shkamaru and I say that this is troublesome!"
"And I'm the Clockwork Dark Magician Girl," introduced Hinata.
Ino turns a clockwork key behind Hinata and Hinata began to dance in circles.
"And we're...The HamHam Gang! YAY!" Chouji, Naruto and Ino cheered.
"What a great day it is today," said Chouji.
"YAY!" The trio cheered once more.
"And it's great to be here with my HamHam friends on this fantabulus day," said Naruto.
Same annoying cheer by the trio. "YAY!"
"Good for you, Naruto. So, Shikamaru, how are you today?" asked Ino.
"I've already said this is troublesome!" yelled Shikamaru.
After an awkward silence, the gang laughed. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"We know a song about that," said Ino.
Shikamaru mouthed the word "F..k!" in the background as he sits next to Hinata.
"YAY!" Both Naruto and Chouji cheered.
"Here we go. 2...3...4..." Ino plays the guitar.
Naruto/Ino/Chouji (singing): "Shika's being troublesome and we don't know why..."
"He's a really big troublesome kind of guy," added Naruto.
Naruto/Ino/Chouji (singing): "We hate his guts and we hate his head."
"We like to chop them off and kill him till he's dead!"
Song ends
The trio cheered and laughed. "YAY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Shikamaru takes one look at the Dark Magician Girl looking at Shikamaru's head, then Hinata suddenly uses the Dark Magician Girl's magic staff and land a few hits on Shikamaru's head. "Owww! Owww! I'm under attack by this troublesome Clockwork Dark Magician Girl!"
"We know a song about that," said Naruto.
"YAY!" the Trio cheered.
The trio began to sing another song.
Naruto/Chouji/Ino (singing): "Clockwork Dark Magician Girl loves to hit Shika's head..."
Kakashi was working in an office in the middle of the night when Kurenai walked in.
"You're alone tonight?" asked Kurenai.
"Yeah."
Kurenai sits on Kakashi's desk.
"How about we do something that we only have this chance to do it?" asked Kurenai.
Kakashi was confused. "What do you mean?"
"You know...get a bit naughty and get in with the moment and face the consequences later." Kurenai suddenly pushed Kakashi's stationary and files off the desk.
"Well, Kakashi?"
Kakashi smiles. "Sure."
As Kurenai prepares to undress, Kakashi runs to another desk and pushes files and stationary off the other desks!
"Come on; get in with the moment, Kurenai!"
Kurenai sighs. "What an idiot."
Fancy Wine taster Neji was in a fancy outfit with waiters Naruto, Kiba and Ino at the table.
"Mr. Neji," said Naruto in a pseudo-French waiter accent. "I can see that your nose is in tip-top condition, so here's one that may challenge your senses."
Naruto passed a glass of wine to Neji and he sniffs the wine. The wine smells funny. Something methane related. Neji looked at Naruto.
"You farted into this glass, didn't you!" said Neji.
"Indeed I did," replied Naruto.
Kiba and Naruto did a high five and Ino was laughing as Neji drinks the wine.
Gai (dressed as an American President) was addressing a invisible mass of Americans with the guys of Team Gai (no (dubbed) pun intended) were dressed as Union Officials. The guys of Team Kakashi dressed as Union Soldiers. Sakura and Tenten were dressed as what an American woman would wear in the mid-1800s, on the side of the teams they are on.
"Four scores and seven years ago, our forefathers has given us a constitution. Guaranteed us liberty...blah blah blah...and we have decided to create the CIA and the FBI...blah blah blah...you know the drill. Stuff about the war, people dying, how terrible it was, sacrifice...blah blah blah...moving forward as one, leaving it all behind us. Greatest Country in the World...blah blah blah...yours faithfully, etc. etc. blah blah blah... In voice enclosed. Make sure it goes out tonight in the mail unit."
Gai puts the speech down. "Well, that should do it. Now I'm off to the theatre." Gai walks off, proving to modern Americans (reading this fanfic) that Gai has absolutely no knowledge of American History and giving non-Americans (reading this fanfic) barely any idea what is going on, other than the fact that he is going to be assassinated later on. (Actually, the point of this scene is for one to wonder what would happen if Gai plays the role of a President of the United States of America in the mid 1800s. Self-Reminder: Do not put anything in the brackets or 'parentheses' in actual fanfic.)
Kakashi looks around with a scarf covering his face instead of his usual mask. "You think Gai is going to die today according to what the author said?" asked Kakashi as soon as Gai has left.
End of Episode 05...or Is it? Before we go, here's one final advertisement:
"SALE SALE SALE!"
Lee runs around in the warehouse full of Spandexes on clothing racks as the female population are getting their hands on the cheap material they could use to make their own clothes.
Gai's V/O: "My voice is starting to leave me! It's getting worst and worst by the second! If I keep doing this, I'll never beat Kakashi! (cough cough cough cough!) My career as a voice actor is down the toilet bowl! It's was once all strong and youthful, now it's getting all throaty and rough!"
Maito Gai's Spandex Emporium: At Konoha Warehouse 53
Gai's V/O: "That's it, I'm out of here. The Springtime of youth has left my voice."
End of Episode 05