Maito Gai Fanfiction Series

Episode 06

By PikaFlash

Disclaimers: As usual, all characters, scenes, songs, ideas and famous speeches belong to their respective owners.

Summary: Sakura has invited Naruto to the Uchihas for a dinner. Sasuke figured that it's an excuse for Sakura to get Naruto matched up with a friend of hers. On the night before the dinner, Sasuke tells Naruto about the setup, but Naruto says that he's gay and he loves Sasuke. In the end, Naruto and Sasuke have sex on the floor. Sakura finds out and kills them both.
Voice-Over: "Welcome to The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series, starring..."

"Takuya Kanbara"

"Kim Possible"

"Yugi Moto"

"The Winx Club Dancers"

"Shobu Kirufuda"

"The Rugrats Orchestra"

"Van Flyheight"

"Hikari Yagami"

"Shinobu Maeha"

"Tyson Kinomiya"

"Hikaru Shindou"

"The Flying Teen Titans"

"Harry Potter"

"The Powerpuff Girls Band"

"Krillin"

"Daisuke and Takato"

"And with music by the girls from Totally Spies!"

Voice-Over: "And now, we present...the What-His-Face!"

Orochimaru was sitting in the darkness with Kabuto waiting.

"Orochimaru-sama, it is time for you to make a decision," said Kabuto.

"How much time do we have?" asked Orochimaru.

"We only have 5 minutes," Kabuto replied.

Orochimaru nods. "Alright, I have made my decision. I'm betting on Slytherin."

Kabuto looks up at Orochimaru. "But, Orochimaru-sama, you do know that they are playing Away."

Orochimaru nods. "It's a risk we'll have to take. Go, before I bet all the other Away teams."

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama."

Kabuto walks off as Orochimaru walked towards the Qudditch Betting Chart.

Qudditch Betting Chart (Order from Best Tips to Worst Tips):

1. Scarecrow Boy
2. Lord Orochimaru
3. Princess Pink Sakura
4. Foxy Naruto
5. Maito 'The Mighty Guy' Gai
6. Jiraiya the Handsome
7. The Sharingan Avenger
8. Natural Blonde Ino
9. Ice Phantom Haku
10. Health and Safety Inspector Hinata
11. Konoha Ninja #15003
12. That Old Bag Tsunade

Orochimaru slams his fist on the list.

A box of Quakers Oats was on Gai's table.

Gai's V/O: "On average, quakers contain about 10 million times as much material as the sun. Quakers radiate light and radio waves and are hundreds of times brighter than normal galaxies. Oh wait, its quasars! We should really work on our translations. Our dubbing department is in need of an upgrade..."

In a trench, a black-haired ninja opened an envelope and reads a letter. In the background, Lee and Neji were keeping an eye out for the enemy.

Sakura's Voice: "Dear Sasuke,
It's Sunday evening and the children is in bed, so I finally have time to put pen to paper.
We are hoping that you will be back for Christmas. The newspapers has predict..."

Knocking was heard.

Sakura's Voice: "One moment please."

The reader was surprised with what was written on the letter.

Lee's Voice: Hello, gorgeous.

Sakura's Voice: Just a moment, I'm writing to Sasuke.

Lee's Voice: He doesn't suspect about us, does he?

Sakura's Voice: How could he? Let me finish this letter. "Sorry, that was my sister bringing us some of fruits."

Lee's Voice: I'm going to the bedroom.

Sakura's voice: "I can't help but miss you, looking at your photo and crying myself to sleep."

Lee's voice: Mmmmm, I love this smell.

Sakura's voice: "And I'm helping out at the hospital..."

Lee's Voice: I'll help you out of that dress.

The reader continues reading, as he looks closely at the letter.

"Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh...ahhhhhh! Ohhhh...ohhhh...ohhhh..."

The reader quickly looks at the next page.

"Ahhhhhhhhh!"

Sakura's Voice: "From your Love, Sakura."

The reader was shocked at transcript of what is going on with the writer and her lover. Then, the reader looks up from the letter at Sasuke, whose eyes were bandaged up from a recent battle.

"You sure you want me to read this, Sasuke?" Shikamaru asked as he points at the letter.

Sasuke nods.

Narrator: The cases are real. The people are real. The rulings of Judge G. Maito are also real.

Lee and Ino rose as Judge Gai enters the courtroom.

"Alright, what do we have here?" asked Gai.

"We are calling for a 3 month adjournment," said Ino.

"Granted." Gai hits the gavel.

Shikamaru, Ino, Tenten, Naruto, Neji and Hinata had just finished a casual dinner of pizza in the living room.

'Man...who's the idiot who thought of ordering 3 pizzas among six people?' thought Shikamaru.

Neji looks at the last pizza piece. 'Vegetarian is nothing more than a garnish,' thought Neji. 'But I want that last pizza piece.'

'I really want the pizza piece...but I don't know if Naruto wants it,' thought Hinata.

Hinata looks at Naruto.

'Has anyone ever tried mixing curry with Ramen before?' thought Naruto.

Tenten and Ino looked at the last pizza piece.

'You thinking what I'm thinking, Ino?' thought Tenten, giving a look to Ino.

'Yep,' thought Ino. 'We'll split the last piece in half. Hinata won't think of touching it cause she might think Naruto wants it.'

'If I go for it and Ino wants it...it's too troublesome for me to wonder what will happen to me,' thought Shikamaru.

Neji keeps his eye the last pizza piece. 'I want it. Hinata won't even think of getting near it of Naruto is there.'

'I wonder if they have the new curry flavored Ramen,' thought Naruto.

'If no one goes for it, I'll take it,' thought Hinata.

Shikamaru, Tenten, Neji, Hinata and Ino made their moves for the last pizza piece, but stop short because they saw that either one of the other wants the last piece.

'Well, that's awkward,' thought Ino.

"You want the last piece?" asked Ino.

"Nah, we're full," said Neji.

"I'll take it!" Naruto takes the last pizza piece and eats it.

'That's disgusting,' thought Ino.

'How does he do it?' thought Tenten.

'Damn,' thought Neji.

'Meh...thinking about it is too troublesome,' thought Shikamaru.

'Naruto-kun...' thought Hinata.

'Why do they put the Ramen in the pasta section of the supermarket?' thought Naruto.

Maito Gai's Driving School

Phone: 1800 TOP GAI

Tenten is standing in front of a car, waiting for her driving instructor. It's no surprise that she didn't look pleased when her instructor is a guy in a green bodysuit, flak jacket and a bowl haircut.

"Gai-sensei...are you sure you want me to drive?" asked Tenten.

"Of course! I'm may be putting my life at risk by someone who has never driven before, but I will prove to Kakashi that I can do it!"

"I'm a bit nervous," said Tenten.

"You think you're nervous? I'm shaking on my insides because I'm going to be driven in a car who hasn't driven before!"

Tenten and Gai sat in the car.

"Now, what is the first thing you need to do?" asked Gai.

Tenten looked at the side mirrors and the rear view mirror of the car. "Check my car mirrors?"

"Wrong!" said Gai. "The first thing you need to do is look into the mirror to see if your beautiful hair and white teeth shines."

The moment there was a bright flash from Gai's hair and teeth...

"I'm blind!" a voice screamed, followed by a passing camper van that suddenly lost control and crashed into the Hokage Building.

Sakura and Choji were sharing a bag of potato chips.

At the same time, the two were watching Ino was talking to Shikamaru at a park bench.

"So, Shikamaru...how about going to the mall this afternoon?" asked Ino.

"Too troublesome," was the reply.

"Ok...how about having something to eat at Ichiraku's?"

"Too troublesome."

Ino is getting annoyed by the answers. "Alright...how would you feel if I strangle you, hang you from a tree and twist your body inside out?"

"Too troublesome," said Shikamaru.

Suddenly, some celebration music was played and Naruto appeared dressed as a gameshow host, surprising everyone in the area.

"Congratulations, Shikamaru! You have said your one millionth 'Troublesome'! Here's your gigantic novelty check for 10 Million Ryou! Any words to say about your achievement?"

Shikamaru receives a giant novelty check from Hinata. "Errr...thanks?" said Shikamaru.

Gai appeared from behind a tree.

"Hi. I'm Maito Gai. As you know, some jokes run for too long. The only way to end it abruptly is to send in someone holding a giant novelty bank check, which helps ends the joke without the need of an awkward scene with the characters and pointlessly endless banter..."

Suddenly, Naruto presents another giant novelty check worth 10 million ryou to Gai.

"Oh wow! Nothing can stop the power of youth!"

The Maito Gai Driving school sign has been replaced by...

Uzumaki Gang's Drive-By Driving School

Tenten was waiting by her car when Naruto, wearing a black suit, appeared.

"You the driving student?" asked Naruto.

Tenten nods. "Yes. Where's Gai-sensei?" she asked.

"Errr...he's having a 'lie down' after a very 'bad fall'," said Naruto, with a bit of a light laugh. "Now, let's get into the car."

In the car

Naruto and Tenten were sitting in the car, with Tenten at the driver's seat. "Now, remember. Hands on ten and two."

Tenten puts her hands on the steering wheel.

"Now, what did you forget?" asked Naruto.

"Well...Gai-sensei said something about checking my mirrors to see if my hair and teeth are shiny..."

"Wrong!" said Naruto, holding out a CD. "The first thing you need to remember is J-Pop music to listen to while driving!"

Naruto puts the CD in and it starts playing the Japanese Teen Titans' Theme Song. Suddenly, shurikens hit the side of the car, thrown by a rival gang. "Shit! It's the Uchiha family! Drive drive drive!"

Tenten drives the car while Naruto takes out a kunai with an explosive tag on it. "Tenten, remember the important rule of driving, cars don't kill people." Tenten nods. "People kill people." Tenten gave a strange look at Naruto as he throws the kunai at his pursuers. "Now, go left! No! Your other left!" The car barely avoided the big explosion.

As soon as Tenten drove to safety, she hears a weird noise from the back of the car. "What's that sound...coming from the back of my car?" asked Tenten.

Naruto looks at the back. "Oh that? I'll handle it. Pull over..."

Later

Naruto hits an unconscious Gai on the head in the rear of the car and pulled Gai's body out. Naruto closed the trunk door and returned to the passenger seat next to Tenten. "Now, show me how good you are at reversing."

The Naruto News Show: In Other News...

Naruto was sitting at his news desk from the Naruto News Show. "In less important news, take a look at this nifty cell phone I got from Bandai."

A Nice Looking Phone

Naruto shows off his new cell phone, a free gift from Bandai.

"This custom built phone can actually predict what sleazy SMS I want to put," explained Naruto. "As I type this up..."

Naruto firsts puts in: "What..."

Suddenly, the phone automatically adds: "What r u wearing, you sexy hot chunks!"

Naruto smiles. "See! It knows what I want to say. An excellent phone for that bastard to use when Sakura-chan is not looking." Naruto looks at the camera waiting for something to happen next...only to realize that it's not over yet.

"Oh yeah, speaking of Sasuke...let's cross live to him in Konoha," said Naruto. "Where he is not going to do a news report."

Sasuke was walking down a street when he suddenly threw up on the pavement.

Meanwhile, Choji was walking down the same street with passer-bys minding their own business.

Narrator: "Can you spot which one is the former soccer player?"

Choji bumps into a passer-by, only to drop on his back and cling on to his leg, pretending to have a cramp.

"AHHHHH! My leg has cramped up! Take me to a doctor!"

Shikamaru was on the phone at his workplace.

"Yes. I am at a nightclub and I'm planning to have an affair with the secretary working at accounts. Yep. Her name's Temari. Ok, sure. Night, Ino."

Shikamaru hangs up the phone and walks to Naruto looking at some battle plans. "Didn't want my wife to think I was a workaholic. Back to the plan, Naruto."

Tenten slaps Naruto on stage. Next to Naruto was another contestant, Ino.

Gameshow Segment: Blank Fillers

Tenten looks at the camera as Naruto rubs his face.

"Welcome back. 200 Ryou for Naruto and 500 Ryou for Tenten...because they spend it so quickly. Alright, ladies before gentlemen. Ino, here's our next question. Craze Psychotic Kazekage Gaara says this while accidentally kicking a rock, 'F..k f..k f-ing f..k f..k f..k blank f..k f-ing f..k!'"

Tenten walked to the celebrity panel of six characters, who happen to be writing down their answers.

"Craze Psychotic Kazekage Gaara says this while accidentally kicking a rock, 'F..k f..k f-ing f..k f..k f..k blank f..k f-ing f..k!'"

The first one being Sakura with longer hair dressed in Tifa's FF7: Advent Children outfit.

"So, Tifa? How does it feel to be impersonated by Sakura?"

"She's terrible," said 'Tifa'.

"Good." Tenten walked to Hanako from Pocket Monsters.

"Next one, Satoshi's mother from Pocket Monsters."

Tenten brings us to the next celebrity panel member, 'Ugly' Daisuke Motomiya from Digimon Adventure 02, totally ignoring Hanako.

"So, Ugly Daisuke. Why do they call you Daisuke?"

"It's a very funny story..."

"Actually, it was a rhetorical question," said Tenten.

"Don't worry," said Daisuke. "It won't take long. It all started when..."

An edit later

Daisuke has finished his story and laughed at the joke, with Tenten looking bored. "Thank you, Daisuke. Moving on."

Tenten walks to Hinata. "Moving on to a very popular Naruto Character...Uchiha Itachi, who refuse to come onto this fanfic."

Next to Hinata was a cardboard cutout of Itachi.

"Well, that's a pity," said the cardboard cutout. "I had some prerecorded audio for this."

"Really? Can I hear more?"

"Well, that's pretty much it," said the cutout copy of Itachi.

"And finally, Sasuke, who is going to appear in the new Musical on Orochimaru's life story," said Tenten. "Isn't that right?"

Sasuke nods. "Yes. It starts at 8 pm tonight."

Tenten looks at a nearby Digital clock, reading 8:15. "Then, shouldn't your show be starting by now?"

"Oh shit..." Sasuke runs out of the studio.

"Ok, our panel is locked in. Craze Psychotic Kazekage Gaara says this while accidentally kicking a rock. 'F..k f..k f-ing f..k f..k f..k blank f..k f-ing f..k!'" Tenten looks at Ino. "What is your answer, Ino?"

"F..k." answered Ino.

Tenten looks at the panel. "Ok, open up your answers."

The 4 available panelists revealed their answers and help show off the answers for those who aren't even there. The answer: F..k.

"Six f..ks for Ino!" Tenten yelled as the Final Fantasy Victory theme is played. "But anyway, this fanfic has too many young readers. So, we should cut the cussing altogether."

Naruto was lost in a supermarket as he was holding a cell phone.

"Hinata, I don't think I can do it."

Hinata (on phone): Yes you can! It's right next to you.

"But I can't do it!" said Naruto.

Hinata was outside standing at the Supermarket window, watching Naruto as though he was a lost kid in a maze.

Hinata sighed. "Ok, let's take it slowly."

Next to Hinata, Tenten was holding a phone as Naruto walks by Neji in the supermarket.

"Neji, concentrate," said Tenten.

"But I can't," cried Neji. "I cannot find the noodles, even with my Byakugan!"

(A/N: That's because the noodlesare in Neji's Blind Spot)

Shikamaru was sitting scared in a corner next to the toothpastes with his cell phone.

"Ino, I can't do it!" said the paranoid Shikamaru. "The whole supermarket aisle is closing in on me!"

Ino was standing outside the window. "That's it! I'm coming in to get you!"

Ino enters the supermarket to 'rescue' Shikamaru.

Gameshow Segment: Character Feud

Back at the gameshow segment, Tenten was with Naruto, Ino and the celebrity panel of four characters and one cardboard cutout.

"Alright, next question for Naruto," said Tenten. "A reply to this: 'I am going out to buy bread.' 'I am going out to buy bread'."

The panel of the remaining five has written down their answers. "Alright." Tenten walked to Naruto. "Here's the question. 'I'm going out to buy bread.' What is your reply?"

Naruto gave a bit of thought for his answer. "Oh, that's nice." he answered.

"Ok." Tenten looks at Sakura (still dressed as Tifa) "Tifa? Your answer?"

Sakura shows her answer. "Wholemeal or White?"

Bzzt.

"Oh...wrong answer, Tifa," said Tenten as she goes to the next person in the panel. "Ok, Mrs. K, what about your answer."

Hanako from Pocket Monsters shows her answer. "While you're at it, could you go get some milk, lemonade, apples, flour, sugar, salt, pepper and noodles. Oh, and don't forget the new issue of Better Homes and Gardens. And don't be late."

Tenten was absolutely confused. "What the hell was that? Anyway, thank you for making a cameo in this fanfic, Hanako."

Hanako smiled. "Your welcome."

Suddenly, Hanako was pulled out of her chair upwards to the top of the studio by some strings.

End of Episode 6