Elliot let her words sink in. Just friends. Did she want to be more than just friends?
"Liv," he said desperately. "Talk to me."
"I can't be just partners with you, Elliot. I can't be just friends. Dean was right," she said, her huge brown eyes begging for reciprocation from her partner.
"Jesus, Liv," Elliot said, pulling away from her. He turned his back to her, rubbing his forehead. He undid the top button of his collar, it suddenly seemed like he was suffocating. This was Olivia, his partner. He loved her, sure, but not in the way she was talking. He was surprised when he felt her arms wrap around him from behind. He reached down to hold her hands that were clasped together on his stomach. He heard her take a deep breath before she began speaking.
"This is hard for me to say, but I need you to listen," he nodded, his eyes fixed on her carpet. "I want to be the one to wake up next to you in the morning. I want to be the one straightening your tie before you leave for work. I want to make blueberry pancakes for you on Saturday mornings. I want to roll over in the morning and see your face, hug your pillow and breathe in your scent."
He could feel his heart beating quicker. So many thoughts rushed to the surface. The simple truth was that he didn't want a romantic relationship with her. She was beautiful, yes. Smart, witty, strong, incredibly independent. He admired her, but he didn't want to be with her. What if things didn't work out? He'd lose his best friend and his partner. Work would be miserable, and right now, work was the only thing keeping him sane. He needed Olivia to be at his side, needed to be close to her, but not like she wanted. It would ruin everything good in his life.
And he just wasn't ready. His divorce wasn't even final yet. He didn't even know how to date. If he were to start dating again, he didn't even know what type of woman he was interested in. He'd only ever been with Kathy. Things were just too complicated. Elliot gently took Olivia's hands in his, pulling them apart. He walked away from her, his back still turned. He couldn't look her in the eye. Couldn't stand to break her heart.
"El, say something," she pleaded.
He just shook his head. He was stunned, too shocked to form complete thoughts.
"I wish I had the words," he began. He turned to face her, and he could see the hopefulness in her eyes. He rubbed the back of his neck, not knowing what else to do.
"Liv, I can't. I care for you, more than I care about myself, but I can't. I just…I can't," he said, walking closer to her. She nodded her head, and Elliot wiped the tears from her face.
"I'm sorry, I never should have said anything. Oh my God, this is so embarrassing," she said, turning away from her partner. He grabbed her arm and pulled her back toward him.
"No, don't be sorry. Please, don't be sorry," he begged of her.
"I don't know what it is, I've just been so out of it lately. With the breakup, the baby, I don't know what's wrong with me," Olivia looked up into Elliot's eyes, and noticed the love he expressed through them.
It slowly started to dawn on her, he didn't need to be with her romantically to love her. What they had was so much more than a partnership, more than a platonic relationship, more than even a romantic relationship. She felt foolish for thinking she needed him physically to be satisfied. She knew she would never find a man who loved her more than Elliot. She was just hoping that her declaration of love didn't ruin what they had.
"Look, I should be the one apologizing, for not trying harder to figure out what was going on," he said.
"Elliot, don't do this to yourself, you tried, I just didn't let you in," Olivia said, retreating to the couch. She sat with her back leaning against the armrest and pulled a tattered quilt over her lap. Elliot sighed and sank onto the opposite end of the couch, his eyes fixed on hers.
"No," he argued. "I haven't been a good partner, not for a long time. Kathy left, and I crumbled, leaving you to pick up the pieces," he knew these words had to be said.
They had never talked, just the two of them, about Kathy leaving Elliot. It frustrated her, how he could talk to Cragen, Rebecca Hendricks, almost anyone except her. She'd given up on him. Just like he'd given up on her. They were both so damn stubborn, they couldn't see that they were shutting each other out. Until tonight, when they simultaneously agreed to let their partner shoulder some of their burden.
"Liv, I haven't even been a good friend. You were there, and I kept pushing you away, but you came back and fought harder for me," he shook his head and smiled to himself at her strong will.
Then he uttered the words he'd been struggling to find all night. The words that defined what their relationship had become.
"I don't deserve you," he turned his eyes away from hers and found himself fidgeting with the splint on his broken fingers.
"Elliot, don't – " Olivia began, but Elliot held up his hand to stop her.
"No, I don't deserve you. Not as a friend, not as a partner. Certainly not in a romantic sense. I haven't treated you right for a long time. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry if anything I've said, or…or anything I've done has hurt you, I'm sorry," his voice was barely above a whisper.
"I'd say we're about even, then," Olivia said, attempting to laugh, but finding it hard as she wiped away the tears that hadn't yet stopped falling.
Elliot smiled. A genuine Elliot Stabler smile. Olivia had missed that, seeing his eyes light up and his forehead crinkle.
"Forgive and forget?" he looked at her expectantly.
"I don't want to be alone tonight," Olivia's voice was small, her brown eyes conveying the words she didn't speak. I don't want to be alone tonight, I'm afraid if you leave now, you won't come back to me.
Elliot understood and motioned Olivia over to his side of the couch. They burrowed deep into the cushions, Olivia nearly on top of Elliot's body. She rested her head on his chest, he rested his chin on her head, stroking her hair gently. Elliot pulled the quilt over their bodies and listened to her breathe. He felt her tears soaking his shirt, but he didn't care. They needed this more than they had ever realized. They needed each other more than they cared to admit. So, just for tonight, they slept together. Elliot's arms wrapped protectively around Olivia's body. Olivia's head resting on Elliot's heart, where he needed her most.