Senior Book

2/03

Native Son: The Final Chapter (adapted from talking to Melissa )

"I have something to declare!" cried out Mrs. Dalton, rising from the bench, "I… am pregnant!"

The courtroom gasped. Mr. Dalton stared at her in shock.

"Yes," she said, "I am pregnant…by the defendant, Bigger Thomas!"

If the courtroom had been gasping before, now they were convulsing.

"He promised me last week that he would give me a baby to replace Mary!" she continued.

"But," Mr. Dalton choked, "What about me? I thought you were pregnant by ME?"

"Bigger," Mrs. Dalton cried, "ARE YOU MY BABY'S DADDY?"

Bigger's eyes went wide, and he starred at her.

Bessie took this moment to randomly come back to life.

"WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME?" she exclaimed angrily, picking up a hatchet and hacking off Bigger's head (due to the fact that there is head chopping in like every book we read). The head flew out the window and the angry mob cheered.

"YEAH!" they yelled, "THEY KILLED HIM!" Then they put the head on a pike and began running around joyously.

"YOU SUCK!" screamed Gus, "YOU MADE ME LICK A KNIFE!" He kicked the body angrily.

"Why am I NAKED?" Bessie said, getting annoyed. She put on Bigger's clothes (since, c'mon, HE doesn't need them anymore.)

Then Mary came back to life and went up to Jan.

"JANNNNNNN…" she said in a ghostly voice.

"MARY!" Jan exclaimed, "I love you." He hugged her. "Even death cannot come between our Communism…ism."

"Jan, I have something to tell you," said Max, "I had an affair with Mary."

"WHAT!" yelled Jan.

"Yeah, man, your girl is a hoe."

"THAT IS NOT TRUE!" yelled Mary, which began a huge fist fight.

Then a deaf-mute walked in and began to flirt with Mrs. Dalton… which wasn't working very well for obvious reasons. But you can't trust some deaf-mutes so that may have been for the better.

Meanwhile the fight was still going on, and everyone was fighting except for Jan, because he is a peacenik. He was standing on the side, waving a sign that said "Make love not large fist fights in courtrooms" to no avail.

"Do I still have to be here?" asked the judge, "I mean the accused is dead now."

"I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, JUDGE!" exclaimed Buckley, "But gay marriage is not even really thought of in the 30s. It is not fair." Buckley burst into tears.

"I love you too," said the judge. They embraced beautifully, and it was a touching moment up until one of Max's shoes flew off and hit Buckley in the head.

"AHHHHH DAMN COMMIE!" screamed Buckley, running after him with a flagpole.

About this time Joe Christmas walked in, saw Gus, G.H. and Jack, and started a huge fist fight with him due to his racism. He also realized he was in the wrong book, but he didn't care because he was really angry.

Then Max and Mary made up, because Max thought it was really bad to hit a girl. And so they all went off to do Communist stuff together. Buckley and the judge bought a time machine and went to a time in which gay marriage was legal. Bessie fell in love with Joe Christmas, but he rejected her, so she beat him up. Then she was upset, and Buckley decided he really wasn't gay, instead he was just curious. So he married Bessie and they had many children, some of which served honorably in the Korean War. Bigger had a large, media-attended funeral, but they discovered his birth name was actually Larger Than.

The End