Harry Potter and the Holy Grail
Chapter Two
"Welcome, welcome to another year at Hogwarts!" Dumbledore proclaimed. All of the children had filed into the Great Hall and the sorting ceremony had finished. Hippy!Dumbledore stood in front of the school (to the surprise and disgust of the children) completely naked. A set of headphones hung from his ears and connected to a tie-dyed iPod on his waist. The Triwizard Cup floated along behind him, and the stench of marijuana emitted from it. "I have a few start-of-term announcements to make." He began to explain the various changes and important things happening around Hogwarts.
"And finally, to whoever stole my stash; I WANT IT BACK! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get high and be a hippy without your stash? Oh, and the Forbidden Forest is no longer forbidden, so new name suggestions are being taken. Ideas already suggested are the "Fucking Forest", the "Fruity Forest", and the "Fornication Forest". Now you are dismissed. Please give your votes to the HB or HG, and they will tabulate the votes. After this, a giant fruity, fun, fornication party will take place in the former Forbidden Forest."
"Wait professor!" exclaimed Hermione. "Who are the Head Boy and Head Girl?" As Hermione said this, a large facetious grin appeared on her face. She already knew that she was the HEAD Girl, but she loved to stir up trouble.
"Oh right, speaking of head…that would be divine...oh, we weren't talking about that. The head boy is… TOM RIDDLE! No, wait, that was 50 years ago. What a mistake. The Head Boy is actually, the great, the heroic, the Golden Boy, Draco Malfoy!" Harry Potter, who had just stood up and was grinning, collapsed onto the floor and started sobbing violently.
"Why does nothing work out for me? Why aren't I Head Boy? Malfoy is a slimy git! I have no friends! Everyone is using me! I'm too sexy for my pants! I am a flaming homosexual, but I must deny my passions for Malfoy because I am supposed to be straight! I want to rip my clothes off! AAAH!"
"Well, right-o. The new Head Girl is Hermione Granger. Congratulations to both of you, and enjoy your new quarters. Oh, and as a forethought, there is only one bed in your quarters as the Forbidden Forest has been designated a protected rainforest zone, and we are not allowed to chop down any more wood to make beds. Just thought you'd like to know. DISMISSED!"
And with that, Dumbledore floated off humming, in his birthday suit, "…where did that stash go?" were the last thoughts that came out of Dumbledore's mouth before everyone exited the Great Hall.