Chapter Two

Bailey entered the locker room the next morning to find a very negative mood. Christina was violently chewing a power bar, George and Alex were on the floor, leaning against the lockers, and Izzie was stretched out on a bench.

"Well, good morning to ya'll, too." She said sarcastically.

Izzie sat up, and the others turned to stare at her.

"Any news?" George asked.

"No change." She told them. Shoulders slumped. Someone groaned. "Okay, okay." Her voice grew softer. "Listen, this sucks, as I'm sure you all know. But we're doing everything we can-"

"Which is nothing." Christina put in. "We're waiting around for three days to see if she wakes up. That's all anyone can do for her now."

Bailey looked at her warningly. "Okay, we have done everything we can. We just have to wait for some good news. But right now, we have to go and work on patients so their friends and family can get good news. Got it?"

One by one, they nodded. "Okay, George, you're in the pit, Alex, Burke's patient in 2321 needs a CT. Izzie, you're still with Montgomery Shepard on the preemie from yesterday. And Christina, you're hanging with me."

They nodded unenthusiastically, and headed off, except for Christina, who kept her eyes on Bailey. "What?"

"I didn't say anything."

"You're mad at me about yesterday, right? The surgery."

Bailey half smiled at her. "No, I'm not mad. I get it. I don't like it, but I get it."

"Seriously? You're not mad?"

"No. Now let's get going."

XXXXXXXXX

Addison took a long sip of coffee as she walked down the hall. She passed Burke in the hall and grabbed his arm. "Preston."

"Oh, morning, Addison." He smiled at her.

"Have you seen Derek?"

"No, not this morning. . ."

"I mean, he said he was staying all night with his patient, I know that, but-"

"Oh, right, I forgot. Christina did mention he was spending the night with Meredith-"

Addison choked on her coffee. Sputtering and coughing, she choked out, "WHAT!"

"Oh, no, God, no, that's. . ." He cleared his throat. "That's not what I meant. Spending the night in Meredith's room-"

"Her room?"

"Hospital room." Burke stared at Addison, embarrassed, taking in the look of confusion on her face. "You didn't know?"

"What are you talking about!"

"Meredith. . . she's his patient. . .he was, um, observing last night. She's in a coma."

"Oh." Addison shook her head. "Oh. What's wrong with her?"

"Car accident."

"Oh." She paused. "What room?"

"Um. . ." Burke was suddenly sorry he started the entire conversation. He muttered the room number, then said something about surgery and hurried off.

XXXXXXXXX

"You couldn't have told me yourself!"

Derek's eyes snapped open and he confusedly took in his surroundings. Then he saw Meredith on the hospital bed, and the horrors of the previous day came screaming back to him.

Speaking of screaming. . .

"Bailey told me you were 'with a patient' and neglected to mention the patient was Meredith!"

"Yeah, that Bailey. Vague." Derek yawned. He stood and walked over to the bed, checking Meredith's vitals. His heart sank a little. No change.

The volume in her voice lowered. "What are you doing?"

"Checking my patient."

"That's not what I meant, Derek."

"Well, Addison, I don't know what you mean. Meredith was in a car accident. She's in a coma. I'm sorry if you thought I was neglecting you to stay here last night."

"It's not about that, and you know it. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I have to inform you on every case I get now?"

"This isn't just any case."

Derek was quiet. Addison looked at him closely, the red rimmed eyes, the painful expression. "And you weren't here last night as her doctor, were you?"

"What do you want me to say, Addison!" He exploded. "That's she's just another patient? She's not. I'm worried about her."

Addison was quiet for a moment. Then, "Is she going to die?"

Derek's head spun around to look at her. "What the hell kind of question is that, Addison?"

"I just wanted to know. I mean, you did surgery-"

"We did surgery on her spinal cord, to prevent paralysis. We have to watch her for the next three days."

"And if she doesn't wake up. . ."

"What do you want me to tell you, Addison? That she might die? Will that make you happy?"

"You jackass. Yeah, you got it right. I want Meredith to die. I hope she just dies right now, because that'll free you up for me, right?" Her voice was cold.

"Free me up for you? You have me, in case you haven't been paying attention. I chose you."

"You chose me, but that doesn't mean I have you." She let this statement hang in the air, waiting for him to protest. He didn't. Finally, she finished lamely, "No, I don't want Meredith to die."

"Okay. Good. Neither do I." He bit his lip. "Don't you have a patient or something?"

"I have Stevens monitoring the preemie. I wanted to see you."

"I'm working."

Addison watched as Derek looked at a machine he already had about a dozen times since she'd entered. "I can see that. But I'm not. And I thought I'd just, you know. . . keep you company."

He gave her a sarcastic smile. "Afraid to leave us alone? She's in a coma, Addison, there's no much that can go on."

Addison groaned. "You're hilarious, Derek. The question you should be asking is why you want me to leave so badly."

"The reason I want you to leave is because I don't like the reason you're staying."

"The reason I'm staying is because I don't like the reason you want me to leave."

"Well, hoorah, we've come full circle." Derek rolled his eyes. "I'm sick of playing word games with you Addison. I've got more important things to worry about."

Addison closed her eyes. What was she supposed to tell him? The truth? No. The truth was that she was worried about him being so scared for Meredith, worried that this car accident, the second near death experience Meredith had had recently, might make him want her again. But all that sounded petty, and selfish, and pretty much cruel when you faced with the very real truth that Meredith might die.

But it was true. She felt that way, and she couldn't help. She could tell he'd been crying. She could see the fear in his eyes. She knew how he felt about Meredith. He'd told her himself. His feelings for her just didn't go away because they were together now. She recalled his expression when she'd seen him after the bomb exploded. Fear. That fear wasn't for Addison; she'd been in no danger. It was for Meredith. And what would have happened if he'd gotten to her first?

"Do you love her?" Addison asked, the words escaping before she could stop them.

The question startled Derek. "I. . .I don't know." Liar. Here he was, not admitting to the statement he'd been repeatedly making all night.

Addison avoided his eyes. "Do you. . .do you love me?" She felt ridiculous, but it needed to be said.

God, no. Not this. Not now. "I don't know." He said again.

Addison nodded. She was silent for a moment, then snapped, "Well that's a great foundation for a marriage, Derek." She stormed out.

Derek watched her go, helpless. What was he supposed to tell her? That he was still in love with Meredith? That he had been this whole time, that he probably would always be? Did he really expect her to understand that he'd picked her because he knew he had to, that it had killed him to do it?

XXXXXXXX

"Time of death, 9:36." Christina said quietly. It was a post-op patient that Bailey had operated on two days earlier. Christina's eyes were glued to the flat line on the screen. Post op, but in a coma. Just like Meredith.

A wave of nausea hit Christina. She placed her hand on the edge of the bed the dead patient was lying in. Dr. Bailey grabbed her arm and led her out.

They stood there, silently, for a few minutes as Christina waited for the sick feeling to pass.

Bailey spoke suddenly, "It's not the same thing."

"I know that."

"No, you don't. Look at me." Christina rolled her eyes. "Look at me." Christina faced her. "I know what you're thinking. It's not the same. You can't relate cases like this to each other. Just because he died doesn't mean Meredith-"

"He was post-op. Like Meredith. He had a chance to live, and a chance to die. Like Meredith. I know that it doesn't mean she will, but. . .when someone we know, not a random patient, but someone we know is given that kind of chance. . .we think they have live. There has to be a happy ending, because deaths don't happen to people we know. This just proves. . ." She sighed. "Sometimes they die. And, and Meredith-"

"Meredith could wake up in a day or two and be fine." Bailey told her quietly.

"Or she could be like this guy. And just. . .flat line. Stop living. She could die. At any time-"

"Or she could wake up."

"You said that already."

"Keep saying it. Keep telling yourself that. Don't focus on what could happen bad. Focus on the fact that she could be alright. Meredith's tough."

Christina moaned. "It's not about toughness. It's science. It's a physical problem, and she's in a coma. You can't divide it and say the tough live and the weak die. And besides, Meredith's not so tough right now. She's messed up." Her tone became bitter. "That's why Shepard won't leave her. He feels guilty because of all the shit he's been putting her through lately."

"I thought Shep was your new best friend after he let you into surgery yesterday."

"What, you think I'll need a new best friend? Meredith's my best friend."

Bailey smiled. "You're being ridiculous. I was just kidding. And don't be too hard on Shep, okay? He's scared for her, too."

XXXXXXXXX

Addison joined Izzie in the hospital room where she was monitoring the preemie born a few nights ago. "How is he?"

"No change. We should schedule the operation."

"Way ahead of you. I just did it." Addison glanced sideways at Izzie. "You look exhausted."

"Yeah, well, I didn't get much sleep."

"Worried about Meredith?"

Izzie looked at her. "Yeah."

"Well, she's got my husband in there watching her constantly."

Izzie detected the resentment in Addison's voice, "Hey, this isn't Meredith's fault."

"What? The car crash?"

"No, this whole thing with you and your husband. It's not her fault. So you can't blame her! It's you two who messed her up. She just fell in love with some guy who happened to be married, and then his wife-"

"Stevens, easy. I wasn't blaming Meredith. It's my husband I'm mad at, so retract the claws."

"Oh." Izzie paused. "You're mad at Dr. Shepard for staying in her room? He's worried about her."

"It's not just that, Izzie. It's this feeling of helplessness. I can see how he feels about her, but he chose me because he felt obligated. And I can't do anything about his feelings for her. I just have to watch him resent me for something I can't help."

"What?"

"Not being Meredith." Her voice sounded quiet and sad. Izzie stole a glance at her face. She wasn't sure what to say.

Addison didn't know why she felt like she could suddenly spill everything. She decided to go all out and be honest with her feelings about this accident, "And. . .and he asks me why I have such a problem with him hanging around her room. What am I supposed to say, really? I can't tell him the truth, which is that this whole accident thing scares me. I just know that if she wakes up, he'll have had some type of revelation that he can't live without her, that he needs to do something 'before it's too late'. There's no way we can pull out of this, because even if she dies he'll be grieving for God knows how long and will try to divorce me to compensate. . ." Her voice trailed off when she caught the horrified expression on Izzie's face.

"That, that. . .that might be the most selfish thing I've ever heard." Izzie stammered. "My, God. That's one of my best friends, and she might die, actually die and all you can think about is how it's going to affect your marriage? You're actually sitting here telling me the disadvantages to her coming out of a coma!"

Addison took a step toward her. "I know it sounds horrible but. . .I can't help it. And I don't want anything to happen to Meredith, I want her to be fine but. . ."

"Just. . .just stop talking to me." Izzie turned her back to Addison.

"Well. . .what am I supposed to think! It's not nice, but it's honest and someone should be honest around here for once! It's reality. There is a chance that Meredith is going to die, and what am I supposed to think except what my husband will react-"

"SHUT UP!" Izzie yelled. "I can not stand here and listen to this. So shut up about Meredith or I'm out."

Bailey came walking in, having been passing by when Izzie started yelling. "What's going on in here?"

Izzie was so mad she could hardly speak, "She. . . she just. . .she said. . ."

Addison jumped in. "We were having a conversation, and I upset her talking about Meredith."

"Well we're all very sensitive at the moment-"

"Don't say it like that! Don't make it sound so innocent. Dr. Bailey, she was talking about if Meredith dies, she was talking about what it would do to her marriage! And if Meredith lives all she can think of it is how it will affect her-"

"Izzie! Izzie! Calm down."

Izzie stopped talking to just glared at Addison, who sunk into a chair and ran her fingers through her hair.

"Izzie, you need a break." Bailey told her. "Go, grab something to eat, gossip to the others about what just happened, visit Meredith, whatever, I don't care."

Izzie nodded and turned to leave.

Bailey and Addison were left alone. Addison was close to tears. "I don't know what I'm still doing here." Bailey waited, sensing more was coming. "Derek and I are kidding ourselves, and I'm an idiot to hang around here expecting him to change when he's clearly still in love with Meredith. People here are only going to see me as the person who cheated on him and then broke those two up-"

"Okay, now you're feeling sorry for yourself. People don't see you that way, except maybe Meredith. Izzie was angry today because she's on edge, and she's worried about her friend. Can you blame her for not wanting to hear you talk about Meredith's accident in context to how it will affect you?"

Addison wiped her eyes. "I'm a horrible person."

"I don't know about that. And I don't know about you and Derek either. That's something you two will have to figure out yourselves."

"He still loves her." Bailey didn't say anything. "Doesn't he? You can tell, can't you?"

"That's not my pace to judge Addison. If you want to know, ask him."

"I did. He said he didn't know." She gave a short laugh. "What did I expect him to say? 'Yes, Addison, I'm in love with her'? I'm his wife."

XXXXXXXXX

Derek was still sitting in Meredith's room when his pager went off. "Damn." He ran out of the room and spoke to the nurse on duty on that hallway. "Page me if there's any change with her.

He moved fast out of the room and reported the room where a CT scan had just taken place. Dr. Webber was standing there. "We got one for you. Needs brain surgery. Medical blah blah blah (sorry but I know nothing about medical jargon)."

Derek nodded, struggling to pull his mind out of the hospital room with Meredith. "Let's do this."

XXXXXXXXXX

"Time of death, 11:57." Derek said despondently. They'd lost the patient. Death. That wasn't what he had been hoping to see. He wanted to see a happy ending. He wanted to face happy people and tell them everything was okay.

Instead, he walked up to the haggard, exhausted looking husband of his patient knowing he was about to destroy this guy's world. She was only 26. They had been married a year. Derek felt a flash of anger. Stuff like this shouldn't happen.

He sat down next to the guy. There were other people, friends, standing around, watching. Derek had to force himself to keep eye contact with the husband. "Mr. Lowell, we. . .we did everything we could." The guy's face filled with terror at what was coming next. "But. . . there was. . .there was too much damage. I'm so sorry we . . .we lost her."

"She. . .she's dead?" His voice was shocked. "My Katie's dead?"

"I'm so sorry."

One of the people around him had their arms around him. He started sobbing. "No. . ."

Derek turned and walked numbly away, the guys voice echoing in his head. He went straight to Meredith's room and fell into a chair.

The tears he'd been holding back fell, and his body was suddenly wracked with soft, hard sobs. He gripped her hand tightly and let himself cry, wanting her to wake up so badly it hurt.

Addison saw Derek enter Mer's room. They needed to talk, and while she doubted that was the place to do it, it was probably the only place she'd see him for the next few days. She entered, and stopped dead. He was crying. She started to back out slowly, when she heard him whisper to Meredith, "I love you."

Addison hurried out.