Chapter Three: I Shall Believe

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Addison backed into a supply closet, feeling oddly numb. The scene she'd just witnessed didn't feel real, but detached, like some dream she'd had long ago.

But it was very real, and very much in the present. Addison kept telling herself that.

She knew she was supposed to deal with this. This was supposed to be her wake up call.

He was in love with Meredith. She's known in a way, but now he'd said it aloud, he's made it real. Addison knew she need to accept the fact that that was not going to change.

But. . .

It would be so easy to pretend she hadn't seen that. Well, maybe not easy but easier than dealing with it. Easier than confronting him and finally admitting the truth, and ending this. . .giving up after the struggle.

Addison shook her head in disgust at herself. She couldn't pretend anymore. She couldn't live this lie forever.

XXXXXXXXX

"Over 24 hours." George said. "It's been over a day."

Alex spoke in response to George, but he was peering at Izzie . The four of them were sitting outside, at their usual table, food in front of them. No one was eating much. "There's still time."

"Two days." George nodded.

They ate in silence for awhile. Then, Christina spoke in a flat voice. "I lost a post-op patient. Shepard lost his patient on the table. Bad signs?"

"Morbid much?" Alex narrowed his eyes at her, then turned to Izzie. "Izzie. You're quiet."

"Addison's a bitch."

Christina groaned. "You've told us. We've agreed with you. Can we just move on?"

"To what?" Alex snapped. "Your bad omens? You're constant reminders that this might not end well for Meredith? Because that's the only fucking thing you've contributed. Every time one of us says something helpful you shoot it down."

"Like what, exactly!"

"Like when George told Izzie that the majority of post-op patients who wake up do it on the second day, and you said most who die do it on the second day, too!"

"It's true! It's a fucking statistic, Alex!"

"Guys, people are watching-" George put in quietly. They ignored him.

"None of us want to hear that right now! No one wants to hear that shit and you know we don't, but you say it anyway!"

"You know, you're a lot of thing I hate, Alex, but at least I thought you were honest!"

"I am honest. But this isn't about honesty, and you know it. You're determined to keep everyone down! You're determined to see the bad side of things!"

Both were yelling now, standing up in a face-off.

"That's because no one wants to accept that there could be a bad ending, that Meredith could die! You know what happens if we get our hopes? If we don't think about the possibility that she might die? It makes it that much harder if she does! It makes the bad ending worse! You have to, you have to be ready for the worst!"

"Well, that's fine for you! But there are other people here who don't want to hear stuff like-"

"Alex." Izzie said quietly, placing a hand on his arm. She was looking at Christina's face. "Let it go."

Christina turned and stormed off.

George cleared his throat. "So. . .Addison's a real bitch, huh?"

XXXXXXXXXX

Christina was speed walking down the hall when someone stepped out of the closet, nearly running into her.

"Hey!" Christina glared at her.

"Oh, sorry." Addison said distractedly.

"You often hang out in supply closets?" Christina kept walking and Addison followed a few steps behind.

Addison ignored the 'question'. "How Meredith?"

Christina laughed shortly, then replied tersely, "Why? Worried about your marriage?"

Addison opened her mouth but close it again, opting to walk in silence for a moment, before Christina broke it with, "Why are you following me?"

"I'm not. I'm going to talk to Derek. I guess he's still in Meredith's room."

They came to her room and found Derek in the chair as he had been before, looking defeated

"Derek?"

He turned and saw them but he didn't speak.

Addison's voice was slow. "Can you come with me for awhile? We need to talk."

His eyes went immediately to Meredith's

"Christina can sit with her."

Christina nodded without thinking.

Derek met her eyes. "You'll page me? If there's any change you'll page me right away?"

Christina felt a pang of sympathy for him, something new. She didn't trust herself to speak, suddenly, so she just nodded again.

Derek nodded back, stood, and followed Addison out of the room.

Christina took his chair and tipped it back as far as she could without tipping over. She felt suddenly awkward, which was idiotic; the only other person in the room was unconscious.

But Christina didn't really want to be the person to sit next to a seemingly lifeless body and talk to it; long, revealing, emotional speeches. She's seen patient's families and friends do it, and she never understood why.

Now, though, she thought of the way she'd first said 'I love you' to Burke while he was asleep, and she began to see the appeal of having important conversations this way. You didn't have to have a big moment, but you could get things that had to be said off your chest. Sure the person didn't hear you, but Christina knew people could always manage to convince themselves that the person, on some subconscious level, understood.

Christina put the chair legs back on the floor. She grinned suddenly at the mental image of herself kicking Meredith out of bed the morning of the bomb.

"Get your ass out of bed, Mer." She said aloud. She moved her chair closer to the hospital bed. "I know you're head hurts and damaged and everything. Whatever. Everybody has problems. And some of yours might be going away. Get this. McDreamy's been hanging around here this whole time. You know you'll end up hating yourself for missing it, and I'll have to be all 'supportive' through another crisis. So, get up!"

"Interesting approach. Not medical, but. . .I doubt if anyone's tried it yet."

Christina turned, startled, to see Burke standing there, looking at her with his eyebrows raised, probably weirded out.

Christina was suddenly hit with the absurdity of what she was saying and she began to laugh. Burke watched in bewilderment as she laughed hysterically. Finally, the laughing faded and she just stood there, staring at Meredith's bed, grinning, Burke still hovering in the doorway.

Coming as quickly as the laughter had, her eyes filled with tears and Christina was suddenly, to her horror, crying. Not noisy crying; the tears simply filled her eyes, overflowed, and ran quietly down her cheeks.

She sat there, unmoving, glad her back was to Burke.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Addison and Derek were sitting on opposite bunks in the on call room. For the first two minutes, they simply sat, looking at everything except each other.

Finally, Derek broke the silence. "You wanted to talk, Addison. Go with it."

She exhaled slowly. "Okay." She paused. "We're. . .we're kidding ourselves, Derek. Thinking this will ever work."

He sighed. "I know."

She stared at him. That was not what she expected. The one thing he agrees with her on. Guess that should say something.

She was so taken aback that she had to take a moment to gather her words. Finally, she just blurted out, "You're still in love with Meredith."

He looked at her. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to lie about that, Addison. I just kept. . .thinking it would go away."

"It won't, will it?"

He shook his head. "I care about you Addison, I do. A lot."

She blinked back tears. "I know you do."

"But I can't help it. I fell in love with Meredith. And now, if we stay together, I'll spend our whole lives resenting you-"

"For not being her."

"Yeah." He took her hand. "I am sorry."

She smiled sadly at him. "Me, too. For my part. I mean. . .if I hadn't. . .you know. . ."

"It's okay."

"You, too."

Addison laughed suddenly, wiping her eyes at the same time. "Do you realize this is the most civil conversation we've had in weeks?"

He smiled. "Yeah. Kind of pathetic, huh?"

"Kind of pathetic."

XXXXXXXXXX

That night, Addison was going to pack her stuff. Then she'd go see her lawyer. They would be filing.

She'd move out of the trailer the next morning. Derek was staying at the hospital that night, still refusing to leave on the hope that Meredith would wake up.

Derek had returned to his chair in Meredith's room that evening, after an afternoon surgery and several consults.

A smile tugged at his lips as he thought of getting to tell Meredith they were free. He would finally get to look into her eyes and tell her he loved her.

His smile faded. If she woke up he'd get to do that.

He couldn't even begin to think about that. She wasn't going to die. She couldn't.

Patients families said that. He's tell a woman her husband had a brain tumor that couldn't be removed . It would kill him. And she'd say 'but he can't die.' It didn't make it true.

But this was Meredith. His Meredith.

The tiny part of his brain that was still thinking logically, thinking like a doctor, knew that to their families, his patients were that important. He still couldn't believe that Meredith might be gone.

He got out of the chair and sat on the edge of her bed. Gently, he touched a strand of her hair that was falling across her forehead. He touched her face. His vision clouded.

There was still time. The three days they had to wait wasn't even halfway over quite yet. There was still time.

XXXXXXXXXX

Night fell and Izzie, Alex, Christina and George walked out of the hospital. George sighed. "I don't want to go back to the house."

"You want to go to Joe's?" Alex asked both of them.

Izzie shook her head. "Nah, it'd just remind of Meredith. Getting drunk at Joe's is her thing."

They laughed, but the laughter stopped quickly. "That was terrible." George told her.

"Sorry." Izzie said, smiling slightly. Her smile dropped. "But it's kind of true. I don't want to go there."

"Let's just go back then." Alex said. "I'll go with you and we can just. . .hang out for awhile." He glanced at George. "If that's okay."

George nodded to confirm it. He didn't like Alex a lot of the time, but he could see in Izzie's face that she wanted to come. He could also appreciate that Alex was trying to look out for her this whole time. George suspected the argument with Christina had been because of the look on Izzie's face when Christina made the coma death comment.

"Count me in." Christina said. "I don't feel like going back home. Burke will want to 'talk about everything' or something." She made a face.

So the four of them drove the house. They silently walked into the kitchen, removing food and drinks, and walked into the living room, sprawled out, and were silent.

XXXXXXXXXX

George opened his eyes and stared blearily at the ceiling. His back ached. Someone's feet were on his stomach.

Great start.

He moved out from under the feet and they hit the floor, causing Alex, who was asleep in the chair above George, wake up and let out a howl of protest.

"You were crushing my rib cage." George sat up and yawned. Christina was asleep in the recliner across the room and Izzie was stretched onto the couch.

"We're going to be late." Alex observed.

George crawled over to the couch and shook Izzie gently. Alex hurled a pillow at Christina.

Both opened their eyes. Christina glared at Alex.

Alex smiled pleasantly. "I know you hate to be late."

XXXXXXXXXX

It was a busy day at the hospital. Derek didn't have much chance to sit with Meredith, though he reworked his route to and from rooms to make sure he could look in on her.

Izzie worked with Addison again, and both were quiet, lost in their own thoughts.

Christina didn't see Burke until early afternoon. She'd been dodging him a little, not wanting to take the slight concern she saw in his eyes when he looked at her.

"You didn't come home last night." His voice startled her.

"I was at Meredith's. I mean. . .at Meredith's house. With George and Izzie and Alex."

"Oh." He paused. "You could have called, you know-"

"I didn't plan on staying the night, Burke. We feel asleep." She gritted her teeth in irritation.

"Oh." He looked like he might say something else, so Christina blurted quickly, "Well, I'll see you later. I have to go. Patients waiting." She forced a smile.

XXXXXXXXX

Derek stopped by Meredith's room instead of grabbing lunch. It had been over 48 hours.

Real terror was gripping him now. There was a reason to be scared. It was becoming clearer and clearer.

XXXXXXXXXX

When their shift was over that night, Christina stayed at the hospital when the others left.

Burke was in surgery, so she went into the gallery to watch. When it was over, she met him in the hall.

"I'm staying here tonight, okay?"

He looked surprised to see her. "Okay. . ."

"It'll be three days tomorrow." She offered by way of explanation. "I kind of want to wait." She smiled slightly. "Just wanted to make sure you knew my plans."

He smiled back, uncertainly. "I just want you to know I'm. . .I'm here if you need me to be."

She nodded. "I know you are. I just. . .I don't do well with stuff like this."

"I get that. But if you ever change. . ." He smiled.

"I'll tell you first." She smiled back.

"I hope. . .I hope things are good tonight. There's still time."

"I know."

XXXXXXXXXXX

It was nearly two a.m. Christina entered Meredith's room to find Derek sitting on the edge of her bed. She cleared her throat awkwardly.

"Hey." He didn't smile. He looked like he'd lost the ability.

"Dr. Shepard." She couldn't help feeling sorry for him, sitting here two nights already, waiting, only to have nothing change. "You look exhausted. If you want to get some sleep or something, in the on-call room, I. . .I can stay with her. I'll page you if anything, you know, changes-"

"That's, um, that's okay. I don't really want to leave her-"

"Come on. You've sat here two nights now. I won't let you miss anything." He still looked unsure. "Promise."

He hesitated. "Okay." He stood to go. "You'll page me?"

"I told you I would."

"Thanks, Dr. Yang."

When he left, Christina took the chair and sat down.

"You and Shep change places?"

She turned and saw Bailey hovering in the doorway.

"Dr. Bailey. What are you still doing here?"

"I'm on call tonight. Lucky me." She pulled up the second chair and sat down. "Poor kid. She's going to have one hell of a time when she wakes up." Anticipating Christina's next comment, she added, "And, yes, I said when."

"You don't know that. Burke says you never promise a patient's family a good outcome. Not even for a routine surgery."

"That's for doctors. I'm not her doctor. I'm not telling you this as her doctor. This is the way people talk. They try to reassure each other. They keep things positive. You should try it."

"Fine. But it still doesn't change that fact that later today it'll have been 72 hours."

Bailey's pager went off. She stood, and as she left called over her should, "Nothing wrong with a little faith."

An hour and a half passed without incident. Christina was starting to feel exhausted when she saw Meredith's eyebrows knit together.

She thought she'd imagined it. But, no, her eyelids. . .they fluttered. . .

"Oh, my God. . ." She murmured, standing up and running to the bed. Page Shepard, she thought dimly, and her fingers fumbled with her pager.

XXXXXXXXX

Derek woke suddenly, uncertain for a moment what had woken him.

Then he caught sight of his pager. Beeping. His heart began pounding and he jumped from the bunk and ran down the hallway.

He tore into the room, panting. "Is she awake?"

"Almost." Christina smiled at him.

Derek moved to the bed and sat on edge. He took her hand and squeezed it gently. "Meredith? Mer?" His voice shook violently but he didn't care.

Her eyes opened and she winced, staring around, blinking confusedly. "Der. . .Derek?" She whispered weakly.

His eyes filled with tears. He smiled. "It's me. I'm right here."

Her eyes moved around the room, then settled on his. "What. . .what happened to me?"

He reached out with the hand not holding hers and stroked a strand of her hair. She looked so scared. "You were in a car accident. But it's okay. You're gonna be fine now. You're okay."

"Thank God." Christina said, grinning at her. "Welcome back."

Meredith looked at her best friend. "How long have I been here?"

"Almost three days." Derek and Christina exchanged glances. Derek felt a lump form in his throat thinking about how close she'd come.

Christina glanced from Meredith to Derek. "I'm going to go call Izzie."

"Thanks." Meredith managed to say.

Christina turned at the doorway. She started to say something then stopped. Then she simply said, "Glad you're back with us."

"Me, too."

When Derek and Meredith were alone, he looked into her eyes. "You scared the hell out of me, you know that? I have never been so damn terrified in my life." His voice cracked. "I thought I was going to lose you."

Meredith's heart melted. He was looking at her in the way she always longed for him too. Something was wrong with this, but she pushed that to the back of her mind. . ."I'm okay now, Derek." She paused. "Right?"

His throat was too tight to speak. He just nodded.

Meredith's eyes filled with tears and they began to stream down her face.

"Hey, don't cry, Mer. You're okay now." We're okay, he thought.

"I know, I just. . ." She shook her head.

"God, I-I just don't know what I would've done, Mer." He touched her cheek, gently wiping the tears falling there. Their eyes met, and he leaned in and kissed her, gently.

Meredith pulled back after a moment. "Derek, what. . .what are you doing it?" She stared at him.

"Kissing you." He smiled. "Until you interrupted."

"Derek I. . .don't do that to me. Please," she begged. "Don't kiss me just because you thought I was going to die, because that just. . .it makes it harder for me. You're married. We can't do this. And I-"

"Sssshhhh." He smiled gently. "Addison and I are filing. We're done."

"Wha-" She couldn't believe it. She didn't trust it. "Why?"

"Because I'm in love with you."

Meredith had so waited to hear those words. She could hardly believe they were real.

"Addison and I weren't ever going to work because of that. She's not you, Mer. And I need to be with you. I love you."

Meredith stared at him. "Derek, I. . ." Her voice broke, and she fought sobs as she spoke. "I needed to hear that for a long time, you know."

"I needed to say it." He went to kiss her, but she pulled back.

"Derek I don't know what the hell you're doing-"

"Meredith-"

"You can't just. . ." She was nearly sobbing now. "You can't just make a decision like that to. . .to leave your wife just because you were worried about me. You have to think it through, you have to. . ."

"Why not?" He was taken aback by her reaction. "It was going to happen eventually. This is what it took to show me not to waste my time being miserable when I could be happy with you."

God, why did he always have to say the right thing? Why did he always hit her right where she need him to?

"I thought. . .I thought you wanted this!"

"I do. More than anything."

"Then what's wrong?"

"Do you. . .what are you expecting Derek? For you to tell me this and then expect me to just. . .just get back with you, just like that?"

He was quiet. Yes, that was exactly what he expected. Finally, he asked, "What is it? Meredith, just tell me what's wrong. I thought you wanted this, I thought you'd be happy."

"You don't get it. I love you. Don't think I don't because I do, more than ever. But you hurt me. I laid my heart on the line for you and you broke it. . .you chose her."

"So that's it? It's pride? You feel like my second choice?"

"No! I'm way past caring about pride. I gave that up when I told you to pick me. It's just that I'm scared. I never thought I'd get so deep with someone that they could hurt me like you did. I know you didn't mean to, but you did. You lied to me, and. . .I just don't want to get hurt again." Her heart was breaking to see his expression. It was killing her to say this, but it was true.

He stared at her, his eyes broken. "You don't trust me." She didn't answer. "I guess. . .I get it. But just so you know. You were never second with me. It's always been you, from the moment I met you. I was a goner. I knew it. I just knew I had an obligation to try to make my marriage work. And it's been killing me. Just know that it's never what I wanted. And the last thing in the world I want is to hurt you. I love you, Meredith."

She stared at him through a window of tears. "I love you, too. But. . .it wasn't enough for you that I was in love with you. And I don't know if it's enough now." He looked away. "Can I just have some time."

He stood up. "Yeah. Just. . . take all the time you need." He kicked at the chair leg to move it out of his way.