CHAPTER FOURScratch

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, or any part of Grey's Anatomy, wish is unfortunate, because owning Patrick Dempsey would make my life so much better. I also don't own the lyrics to Scratch.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, people, thanks for all the reviews. They're awesome, and definitely what keeps me writing. Been a little busy over the past few days, so hopefully I didn't lose many people. For the scene with the Scratch lyrics. . .if you don't know already, it's the song that's playing during the whole closet scene between Mer and Derek in "Break on Through" and is GORGEOUS. I listened to it the whole time I wrote this chapter. So for best reading experience, listen to the song if you can while you read. Or just think about the song and picture the scene in your head to the music. I have this awesome view of the scene in my head. . .too bad I can't control the actors and the show, etc. and make it happen. REVIEW THIS PLEASE : ) !

"MEREDITH!"

It had been half an hour since Derek stormed out. Thirty minutes of silence to contemplate everything that had happened, digest all the information. . .all that silence, broken by her friends.

Izzie nearly through herself on her but Christina grabbed her back. "No hugs. Back surgery." She was grinning broadly. George and Alex joined the girls in forming a circle around Meredith's bed.

"Wait to give everybody a heart attack." Alex said, grinning at her.

Izzie nodded. "I'm just really glad you're okay."

"Me, too." George added.

Izzie kept going. "And we wanted to come right away but Christina, but she said you were with McDre-"

"Hey." Christina interrupted. "What's wrong with you?"

"Besides the fact that I've been in a coma for three days and feel like I got hit by a truck full on?"

"Yeah. Besides that. You've been crying."

Izzie stared at her. "What happened?"

Meredith glanced at Alex and George. Understanding instantly, Izzie seized Alex by the arm and Christina grabbed George.

"Hey!"

"Ow!"

"You're dismissed. We have to talk."

"But-"

The door slammed and Christina and Izzie turned back to Meredith. "What did he do this time?" Christina asked.

"He divorced Addison." Meredith said quietly.

"He what!" Izzie gasped.

"And that upsets you!"

Meredith groaned in frustration. "He just. . .he expects me to just jump right back in like he never did anything wrong! Like I've been waiting around for him this whole time."

There was a pause. "You have." Christina stated bluntly. Izzie hit her in the arm. "Look, I'm sorry, but. . .Mer, you've been miserable without him. And now you have this chance. . .why stay miserable when you can get exactly what you wanted."

Meredith couldn't stop the tears from filling her eyes; they had been doing that ever since she woke up, and she was growing irritated with it. "Just forget it, then! God, I should have known you guys wouldn't understand."

Christina and Izzie exchanged a look. Christina sighed; she hardly wanted to start off her first conversation with her best friend since she escaped death like this. "Look, just. . .just explain it. I'm trying."

"Me, too." Izzie added.

Meredith continued, "The thing is. . .he scares me. I don't want to get hurt again."

"But aren't you hurting just as much without him?"

"Sort of. . .and I shouldn't be."

"So make yourself happy."

"I wish it were that easy."

"I don't get it." Christina shook her head in frustration.

"I do." Izzie said softly. She was thinking of Alex. "Even though you know how much you want it. . .how do you know he won't do something again?"

"You really think he has another wife!"

Izzie scowled at Christina. "Can you for just one second try not to be so damn literal? I meant how do we know he won't lie again, that he won't-"

"Break my heart. Again." Meredith put in quietly. "I want to know that he's serious. That it's not just in the moment."

Christina exhaled slowly. She wanted to help, but she wasn't doing very well. "Listen, Meredith. . .you've been in a coma for the past three days, so you've kind of missed a lot. He was terrified for you. He wouldn't leave your room. He sat up all night on the chance that you might wake up. He is completely and totally in love with you."

"You're the same way." Izzie added. "The only time I've seen you smile in forever is when you're with him. And then you get this sad look when he walks away. This is what you wanted."

Meredith was quiet for a few moments. Then, she said in a broken voice, "I. . .I didn't mean I never wanted to get back together I just . . . he just threw it on me, and I needed time-"

"We get that." Izzie told her soothingly. "It's perfectly understandable."

"I-I just need to talk to him."

Christina smiled. "I can take care of that."

XXXXXXXXX

Christina found Bailey in the hallway. "Meredith's awake."

Bailey stared her for a second, then her lips stretched into a smile. "Good. I told you, Yang. Faith."

Christina smiled slightly. "For once, I'm really glad to say you were right."

Bailey laughed. "You write up her post-op notes?"

"No. I'm going into surgery with Burke. You'll have to get Dr. Shepard to do it."

Bailey folded her arms. "Burke's in surgery already."

"Oh. Well . . ." She sighed. "Shepard doesn't know that. Make him do it."

Bailey stared at her quizzically. "You do realize he's my boss. What are you up to, Yang?"

XXXXXXXXX

Bailey found Derek leaning against a wall in the corridor.

"Dr. Shepard, Yang wanted me to give you a message. She got called into surgery with Burke before she could do post-op notes on Meredith, so you'll have to do them."

He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Can you find someone else, Bailey?"

"There is no one else. She's your patient, something you, as I remember, insisted on. Look, I don't know what's going on with you two, but you've been just about broken in the past few days because you were worried about her. Now she's awake, and you won't see her?"

"She said-"

Bailey held up a hand. "I don't care. Just go talk to her. Or, if you really want to be a stubborn ass, go into her room and don't say anything, just do the post-op notes."

"You seem to be confused. I'm actually your boss."

Bailey smiled slightly. "So you keep saying. Just do it."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Derek walked into Meredith's room. She glanced up. "Derek, I just-"

"I have to do your post-op notes." He said firmly. He avoided looking into her eyes, not wanting to see the hurt there. He knew he was being unfair, expecting her to jump right back in like that, but he felt bruised, hurt and disappointed.

She nodded, pressing her lips together tightly. She felt the coldness from him. She hated that. Part of her wanted to tell him forget about her needing time, kiss him, say how much she loved him. But the other part was angry. What right did he have to be mad at her? After all the shit he'd put her through, didn't she have a right to hesitate?

They were silent while he did some routine blood work and other routine procedures (once again, no medical knowledge). Then he cleared his throat.

"Are you in a lot of pain?"

Her voice was barely audible, but he could still sense the catch in it. "Yeah. I am."

He was determined not to look at her. "Well, you're going to have to stay at the hospital for awhile to recuperate and everything." Real professional sounding. "After you get out, you may need physical therapy. And those cuts on your arms-" He indicated the deep cuts lining each arm from the windshield glass. "-will probably leaves some scars."

She nodded. He turned to leave, then paused at the door. Keeping his back to her, he said, "That's what I did, isn't it? I scarred you."

She swallowed against the lump in her throat, searching for an answer. "No. Scars. . .scars don't hurt anymore." He was silent. "You. . .what you did, that's. . .that's like an open wound."

For a moment she thought he wasn't going to say anything. Then, in a voice she barely recognized, he got out, "I'm sorry."

"I know you are."

He shook his head. A tear slipped from his eye, and he still didn't turn around as he brushed at it impatiently. "Then what more can I say, Meredith? What else besides I'm sorry and I love you?"

She started crying, and she tried to keep her sobs silent, but he heard. He turned around, his eyes pleading. "I love you. . .Mer, please. . . just let me."

It's a big girl world now

Full of big girl things

And everyday I wish I was small

She tried to speak, but she was crying harder now. Derek came over to the bed and bent down next to it. "Don't cry, Mer. . .it can all get better for us."

"I don't know if I c-can. There's just too much damage." She choked out.

He reached up with his thumb and gently brushed the tears away. "Let me fix that."

And I've been counting on nothing

And he keeps giving me his word

"You really hurt me."

"I never wanted to."

"But you couldn't help it, Derek. And if you did it once without meaning, too. . .you could do it again. I know it sounds stupid but. . .I just don't think I can take anymore."

And I am tired of hearing myself speak

Do you get weary? Do you ever get weak?

He was quiet for a moment, then he slipped his hand into hers and squeezed it. "I love you. That's all I have. I need you to decide to trust me, and I need you to decide to let yourself be happy with me."

"I want to be sure." She wiped her eyes.

"We're never sure. We can't be."

How do you dream when you can't fall asleep

Derek kept speaking. "I'm going to let you have time. But you know where to find me. When you decide."

He started to leave.

I've been wonderin what you're thinking

And if you liked my dress tonight

"Wait, Derek. . ."

"What?"

"I don't know I just. . .just wait. I need you to make me sure."

"I can't do that. You have to do that yourself. What else do you expect me to say?"

Her voice was suddenly fragile, like a small child. "Fight for me."

Would you still say you loved me

Under this ordinary moonlight

He stared at her. "I thought that's what I've been standing here doing."

"Don't give up, then." She sounded ridiculous, and she knew it. "You never do, even when I ask. When I told you I wouldn't go out with you, you kept asking. When I told you to leave me alone when Addison was here, you kept talking to me. You never give up on it, Derek. Not now. I need to know you mean it."

I'm so afraid of what you'll say

He smiled slightly. "What do you want me to say, Mer? That I won't take no for an answer? I don't plan on it."

"I just. . .I need to know. . .why."

"Why what?"

"Why I can trust you."

The smile dropped from his face. Their eyes locker, his pained, Meredith's full of hurt, fear, and tears.

I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting over from scratch

I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving me a second chance

He chose his words carefully. "Because I know how much you've been hurting, and I've hated myself for causing it. And because I would rather die than see you in any bit of pain. And because. . .because I love you. And it should be enough. It should always be enough." He went back to the bed. "We can't predict the future, Mer. So, yeah, I can't say for sure that nothing will ever happen. But I know I want my future to be with you. And I know I'm going to try not to make any mistakes this time."

I used to think I was special

And only I have proved me wrong

I thought I could change the world with a song

The silence went on for a long time. Finally, Meredith said softly, "Okay."

He stared at her. "Okay?"

"I can't fight it anymore." She smiled through her tears. "I love you."

But I have ended up in India

With no map to guide me home

The strangest place I think I've ever been

"So we're. . .we're going to try this?"

She nodded, cuffing one hand around his neck and pulling him to her. "Yeah. Just promise you're going to save me this time."

And all this time I thought that we were friends

My stubborn will is learning to bend.

He leaned in and kissed her.

I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting over from scratch

I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving me a second chance

I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting over from scratch

I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving me a second chance

It's a big girl world now

Full of big girl things

And everyday I wish I was small

Well, that's it for this one. Hope it wasn't too rushed. Anyway, I'm going be starting another one soon, hopefully, maybe a sequel to this (if I come up with another storyline, which I probably can) or maybe an idea I've been working on to go off the show's current timeline and show how the show SHOULD go with everything as of now. Any preferences? I might just write both at the same time. Whatever. Hoped you enjoyed this. PLEASE review the last chapter, and thanks for all the reviews so far. Sorry this chapter was so long in coming (well longer than before), but. . .hope it was worth it.