Enraged. Furious. Betrayed. Heartbroken.
Those were some of the terms Padme could bundle the overwhelmingly intractable emotions the violent collision of Rebels and Imperials had scarred into her heart. The rest left the former Rebel and unwilling Imperial lost, listless and factionless. The hotel which had become her home over half a year became just a building she took shelter in, the people she'd come to know were now presences she avoided. The people she knew inside The Coruscant would probably feed her to Anakin's pet if she ever worked up enough audacity to return. Who would blame them?
It was all his fault. Her hands trembled with rage every time Padme thought of the fight, of how he smirked and enjoyed the suffering of her friends because he'd been jealous and smug after working out Obi-wan's secret plan.
She curled herself deeper into the armchair by the window and looked out over New York, seething. At least she'd gotten to see the truth about Anakin before it was too late, before she fell deeper and harder for the mask he'd hidden his knife-grin behind for three months. If it'd gotten to that point? Well, that would have been heartbreaking, wouldn't it? Anakin had shown her his true colours that day two weeks ago and the memory was seared into her mind forever. She would never forget the madness in his eyes. The glee in his voice at the call to violence…
Somehow, he'd become more of a beast than the thing he kept downstairs. It made Padme wonder, had the birth of the new world woken his bloodthirst or had that cruel, destructive malevolence always existed inside him, simmering beneath his skin, waiting for the opportunity to reveal itself? She supposed she'd never know. Anakin was who he was and people didn't change, her mother had always said that. When her aunt had given her husband a second chance after his affair, Jobel had said, "a leopard never changes its spots, dear. He can change his behaviour but not his nature."
Padme wished she'd remembered that three months ago.
Sometimes, when she saw him downstairs in the lobby and their eyes met across the room, she felt like putting her gun to his head and pulling the trigger. The urge to hurt another human was new, he'd brought that out in her. Knowing that only made her angrier. In the darkest moments, Padme's fingers would twitch above the handle of her gun. It would be so easy… The other Imperials would probably kill her for it or, at the very least, throw her to their beast downstairs.
But maybe that was a good thing? With both her and Anakin gone neither faction had a reason to hate one another, there could be peace…
But it was impossible, Padme couldn't bring herself to do it. Fool that she was, as angry as she felt, her heart hadn't closed itself to the Imperial leader altogether. That fondness lingered somewhere inside her, barely a flicker of what it had been but it was there. She felt it whenever those dark thoughts came over her.
More powerfully, she felt fear. Complete, abject terror at the lengths Anakin was willing to – and had gone to – to make her, the Imperials and most importantly the Rebels understand that she belonged to him. It wasn't sane or normal or remotely healthy. He had lured her into this gilded cage with sweet affections, warmth and intimacy. She'd begun to believe he valued her as a person, wanted her for companionship and partnership and had been willing to give it and herself to him completely… And then that day in the parking lot, the bars of her trap showed themselves at last.
He would destroy her, Padme saw that now, and he would turn to ashes in her wake.
She wouldn't let herself forget again just who Anakin Skywalker was. Ruthless. Cruel. Wicked. A man who killed without regret, without care or guilt. He had a heart, Padme had seen it those three months they were together, but it was twisted, rotten and intricately weaved amongst the darkness that clouded his soul.
Never forget.
Anakin was a lot of things but he wasn't stupid. He knew she was angry and had withdrawn from the suite completely since that day. His clothes were gone, his weapons, his razors, every sign he'd ever lived here had been cleared out in the space of a night. Maybe he figured she needed a little time to move on, then she'd invite him back in. Everything was a game to him after all.
Two weeks later and she hadn't extended that invitation. Three weeks. Five weeks. Six. Ten. After that, Padme stopped counting.
He watched her, she felt it, knew it. From across the room, Padme felt the weight of his gaze, dark, intense, impossible to read, but he respected her distance, surprisingly, until one night after a scrappy dinner of anything whoever had gone out gathering that morning had managed to put together, Anakin fell down beside her on a torn, black couch near the kitchen.
"Padme," he murmured in her ear, "this has gone on long enough, don't you think? C'mon, talk to me."
She turned stiffly to glare at him, "leave me alone, Anakin." It was the very least she wanted to say to him but the fragile peace she had found lately was more important than angry satisfaction. If she thought about it, they had probably been apart longer than they were ever together by now… Surely something else would capture his attention before long.
Whatever it was, she wished it luck.
"I know you're angry with me – "
"Angry?" Padme spat, "You tried to kill my friends! I want nothing to do with you ever again." With a shake of her head, she trained her eyes stubbornly forward, refusing to meet his gaze as she folded her arms and tried not to wince at the threadbare sleeves of her blue shirt. It'd been a while since she'd found clothes out there that fit.
"I'm sorry!" He growled, "I didn't – that wasn't what I was going to do – that asshole kept talking and saying that I forced you and – "
She shook her head again as her fury melted into heavy exhaustion, "No. You don't get to blame Rush for what you did. It's not like that day was a one-off, you and your people have been tormenting the Rebels since all this began. You enjoy hurting people, it's who you are."
Padme heard his breath tremble as he exhaled and felt him stiffen beside her, but her eyes never left the long, jagged scrapes etched into the once white wall. Probably from his beast, she thought. If it could inflict that damage to such a strong structure then Obi-wan never stood a chance. No one did.
She wondered if it had killed him.
"I know what happened scared you, I got carried away… I know it went too far. It won't happen again, I promise… You don't have to keep punishing me for – "
Lies. Lies. Lies. All he ever did was lie. It was another trap, another pretty cage full of domestic delusions and false promises. Fool me once, shame on you… Fool me twice, shame on me. No, she knew better now. They didn't live in the old days were people sought after and needed love in their lives, no, all Padme needed now was food, water, shelter and bullets for her guns. Anakin didn't factor into that list any longer.
She rose to her feet and tugged down the end of her shirt where it had rode up slightly. Her limbs were stiff and heavy, she felt tired beyond her years, drained, used up… He'd taken everything she had to give. "I don't want to have to tell you again, Anakin. Leave. Me. Alone."
Silence was all that followed Padme as she walked toward the more public lobby area but her heart pounded anyway. In the early days of their stalemate, she'd imagined denying him like that a hundred times, had planned every word, practised every glance and relished in the thrill the situation would give her. But now she felt nothing.
Maybe she really was beginning to harden.
Ahsoka walked through the doors to The Empire a few days later, head held high against a sea of Imperial glaring and murmuring. Padme looked up from an old fashion magazine she'd found in a store yesterday – funny, the things people used to care about – and felt her stomach sink. What was she doing back here? Wasn't she afraid Anakin would be angry with her for trying to help Obi-wan deceive him?
Was the girl brave or stupid? She couldn't decide.
The Imperial leader's stare was hard as he approached the young girl and the room seemed to hold its breath. Had Ahsoka walked into her death by coming here? Surely she understood whatever fragile trust that existed between her and Anakin had to be gone now, he didn't take kindly to being deceived, that much he'd made clear. "You must be feeling brave," his voice was cold, "to show your face in here again, Snips."
"You always taught me not to be afraid, right, Skyguy?" The girl forced a small smile and folded her arms, the burgundy leather of her buttoned-up coat squeaking with the movement. "If I knew things had… Changed, I would have held Obi-wan off, okay?"
"You've been leaning too heavily toward the Rebels, Ahsoka, I'm beginning to question the neutrality you fought so hard to claim."
"I can see how you would see it like that. Anyway, I'm not here about that. I actually have a few questions for you. The Rebel territories are almost stripped of supplies, is it the same here? People are starting to worry."
Anakin blinked and glanced around the room. Padme saw his throat bob as he swallowed, he was nervous, she realised. That couldn't be good. She hadn't been sent out for food supplies for a while but even she had noticed their depleting supplies. It was bound to happen, there were only so many tins and cereals in the city… But what did it mean? Were they going to have to find a new home somewhere else? Relocation on that scale was incredibly risky! They'd be lucky to keep half their numbers.
"Come on," Anakin tipped his head, "let's talk in here."
She watched him lead the girl toward the backroom door which had once opened into the kitchen, it was an employee-only door, judging by the size and lack of grandeur compared to everything else. Her heart sped up as they disappeared behind it. The Rebels were struggling? If Ahsoka had talked to them then she had to know how her friends were! Maybe she could tell her – maybe if Padme was careful, she could –
No. No, she couldn't do that. Asking about her friends last time had led to disaster, they'd gotten hurt and possibly killed because Padme couldn't keep her mouth shut. Some mistakes couldn't be made twice.
She looked across the room and found the guilty gaze of Rex following her. Maybe Anakin asked him to keep an eye on her? Maybe he missed being her friend… They hadn't talked much lately… Padme couldn't remember the last time she exchanged more than a polite handful of words with either Rex or Kit and the thought saddened her. They'd been her only real friends outside of the Rebels, welcoming her into Imperial life with open arms regardless of her affinity for the enemy. And what happened wasn't their fault she reminded herself, they'd just followed the orders of their leader in a tense situation. The blame lay firmly on her and Anakin's shoulders, no one else's.
A moment passed and Padme pulled her eyes away from the New Zealander, looking back toward the door Anakin and Ahsoka disappeared behind. Maybe if she couldn't ask the girl her questions there was another way to find out what was happening across the city? She felt Rex's eyes on her as she crept toward the kitchen door, the muffled voices becoming clearer and louder as she came closer. She would only listen for a moment, she only needed a second to know if they were alright…
She stood next to the thick door and held her breath, pressing a hand against the frame for balance as her ears strained, desperate to catch anything Ahsoka or Anakin said. The younger girl's words were lost beneath a mumble but Padme heard Anakin laugh, light and almost carefree… Not at all like the cruel, playful cackle he did as the Imperial Leader. It reminded her of –
No. Listen.
Biting at her lip, she pressed her ear closer to the door and concentrated.
"Listen," the small thud of boots against decrepit tiles bled through the door, probably Anakin pacing as he spoke, she assumed. "I have something to ask you in return."
"Alright…"
"I mean… Snips, you're a girl…"
She heard the girl snigger. "I'm surprised you noticed."
"Funny." Padme could almost see the roll of his eyes in her mind. "I need advice."
She frowned, almost jolting at his words, how unlike Anakin Skywalker to ask for council on anything – especially from Ahsoka… The only people he confided in were Rex and Aphra but it was difficult to imagine even them offering advice to the Imperial leader.
"I can't offer much guidance on what to do about the food, Anakin. It's like I said, the – "
"It's not about that." He cut her off with a sigh, "I wish it was. It's…About Padme. She's pushed me away – practically out of her life altogether."
The Imperial-convert's heart skipped a beat – stilled altogether actually – at the mention of her name. Anakin didn't sound confident and infallible as he usually did, no, he was different… Something in his tone had shifted. Insecure, she realised, he sounded insecure.
"Wait, you're asking me for relationship advice?" Ahsoka laughed, the sound felt absolutely foreign to Padme. The girl always seemed so serious, so sullen and determined. For some, there was no room in this world for joy anymore. She'd always thought the younger girl was one of those people. What had she gone through? "Oh, Skyguy, are we going to braid each other's hair next?"
"Hey!" His tone was biting. "Remember who you're talking to…"
There it was… No, there he was. The menacing edge to his voice, the underlying threat in his words… That was the Imperial leader, the real Anakin beneath the mask he sometimes slipped on. He couldn't stay hidden for long.
A long silence lingered between Anakin and Ahsoka then, heavy, angry, and Padme wished she could see their faces. Not enough to dare crack open the door, though. Was it tense in there? Or awkward? Maybe the girl was fuming silently and attempting to gather herself before speaking again. That would be wise.
"Have you ever thought that maybe holding her here against her will isn't the best way to win her over?" Ahsoka snarled, "she's a person, Anakin, did you forget about that?"
"She's here so I can protect her."
"Please!" The girl cried, "I know what happened that day! You tried to kill her friends and made her watch! That's – you're not… Sometimes I wonder what happened to you." Her tone grew cold and distant, "the Anakin I knew once could never be so vile."
"That person was weak. You know what happened before… Besides, Obi-wan and I had a disagreement, that's all."
What happened before? Padme's eyebrows shot up. Anakin never discussed his past, he closed up at the mere mention of the old days sometimes. She remembered his mother, sweet, kind Shmi, their house, she knew Shmi had married and began fostering children a year before the world ended from her mother's phone calls. What had happened to them? Everyone had trauma. Everyone had seen the blood of their loved one's spilled… What had Anakin seen?
"A disagreement? Seriously? Obi-wan is still recovering. He almost died from blood loss alone!"
Padme's eyes burned suddenly and she clenched them shut as tightly as she could. How could this have happened? Obi-wan who'd given her a home, who worked so hard to protect her, who risked everything to get her back… Now, he was hurt and suffering because of her.
Her fault. Her fault. Her fault.
"Kenobi is stubborn," Anakin said carelessly, "he'll live on to be a pain in my ass for years yet… He's saving his death until it's the most inconvenient for me, I know it."
"Wow…" Ahsoka laughed bitterly, humourlessly, "I just can't understand why Padme wouldn't want you."
"I fucked up, I get it." He growled, "now how do I fix it?"
Padme's stomach contorted, twisting itself into tight, cramping knots as she listened. Why was he so insistent on her going back to him? What did it mean? Anakin Skywalker was an unsolvable riddle, a kaleidoscope of questions and answers and blacks and greys… How could a person be with someone like that? He exhausted her, challenged her and frightened her. She tried not to think of those three months where maybe, just maybe, she had begun to believe he might fulfil certain parts of her. Those days were gone.
"Maybe you could try being nice," Ashoka said.
"I am nice!" He scoffed, "Since it happened, I've given her all the space she wants – hell, I only just talked to her for the first time since it happened! I leave her be, let her keep the suit and go on food runs and patrols with everyone but me – what more can I do?"
"Hmm, I don't know," the sarcasm in the girl's voice was thick, completely unmissable, "how about you stop treating her like a prisoner? I don't know what happened between the two of you before but if you want it back then this place has to actually be a home. Right now, she probably feels like it's a prison."
Before Padme could overhear Anakin's response, hands rested on both her shoulders, giving a tight squeeze and making her gasp. Immediately, she yanked away and reached for her gun, heart pounding, only to be greeted by Rex scratching at the back of his neck. "Sorry, lass… Didn't mean to make you jump, but I think that's enough. You don't want to get caught earwigging, do you?"
The young woman wanted to protest, to tell Rex to leave her alone and turn back to the door. Whatever Anakin's reaction had been, she'd missed it and the thought gutted her, but the New Zealander was right, they could come out at any moment without warning and catch her. It wasn't worth it. Reluctantly, she allowed the burly man to lead her back into the lobby. Distantly, she heard him speak but her mind was too far away to hear what he said.
He seemed to understand and sat down on a long, cracked, leather sofa and patted the spot beside him which Padme filled mechanically. Her mind reeled. How was she supposed to feel about all of that? Yet another new side of Anakin revealed and it threw her just as much as the others did. He was still a demon, a creature of violence and chaos, but, more than ever she had no idea how to piece all the little parts of him she'd collected together. They didn't fit into one man, rather they were a thousand fragments of a hundred different men… No one could be that torn on the inside, could they?
They sat in silence as the minutes passed until, eventually, Ahsoka emerged at the end of the hall first with Anakin sauntering behind her. They spoke in low voices and shared a nod, the girl's typical braids bobbing with the movement. She made to leave, stepping toward the hotel doors until her eyes fell on Padme. Despite everything, she wanted to run to Ahsoka, to take her by the wrists and ask every question she could possibly think of. It was tempting, overwhelmingly, until Rex's hand fell upon her shoulder, gentle but firm. A silent warning.
The girl nodded once, almost regretfully, before making her way toward the door. Her car probably waited outside to take her to The Coruscant and Padme ached to join her, just for an hour or two. She wanted to know if they were okay, to apologise for putting their lives in such danger and pray they could forgive her. The door closed behind Ahsoka and Rex released her shoulder, probably relieved. Padme didn't feel relief…
From the corner of her eye, she saw Anakin move but he looked away from her just as she turned to face him. At once, Rex stood and walked to his leader's side as he stormed off without a parting word. Whatever he and Ahsoka talked about after she left must have been serious… He looked unlike himself, the confidence was gone, no smugness, no swagger… Anakin looked almost as drained as Padme felt.
Shaking her head, the Imperial-convert stood and made her way to and up the stairs, taking each floor slowly as the strangest, heaviest sensation of numbness began to take over her mind, her heart and then finally her limbs. Padme was only surprised it had taken this long to feel nothing… Living in this hell, this hotel, this life… It was bound to change someone, wasn't it? How much could any person take before they simply stopped feeling? Maybe that was what happened to Anakin?
She wanted to be afraid of this, to feel horror at herself for giving in, for hardening but Padme only felt tired. She didn't want to be like this, the girl she'd been once would have been disgusted at who she was becoming… A shell. A shadow. Existing but not quite living. She couldn't keep going on like this – she needed something, to feel anything that would help her keep going.
As she reached the suite, Padme felt herself begin to sink rather than wallow. She was so, so tired. Tired of living like this, of hating herself and Anakin and this hotel. It was eating her up inside. On a more stable day, maybe she would have cried but it felt as if she had no tears left to shed, no grief left to feel.
Maybe this was her punishment, for thinking she could have happiness in this world that had torn it from so many people. Who was she to believe she was so deserving? Who had Padme thought she was?
The numbness grew cold. Ice spread through her veins. Her body felt heavy and unmovable, as if turning to stone in this very spot, doomed to remain forever in this suite. Suddenly, the bed, though it was just across the room, felt like a million miles away. Padme wanted to fall into it and never get back up. She was slipping, slipping out of grasp… A whisper of fear niggled in her chest. This wasn't normal. It wasn't right. Whatever it was, she couldn't keep going on like this.
All she needed was something to grasp onto. Something to live for. Was that too much to ask for in this world?
The door swung open and Padme found the strength to turn around in time to see Anakin lingering, not quite inside, not quite outside. Unsure, unwelcome, absolutely uninvited. "What are you doing here?" She said tiredly.
He seemed to brace himself before speaking, going over whatever rehearsed words he had once more before freeing them. "I just wanted to check on you…" The barest hint of a smile tugged at his lips, "You didn't seem like yourself downstairs."
"I don't even know who myself is anymore…" Padme shrugged, "I haven't in a long time."
"Hey…" Anakin stepped further into the room, carefully maintaining a safe distance from her. "What's brought this on?"
"Why do you care, Anakin?" She rubbed her fingers across her face frustratedly, "Why me? I don't understand – I have never understood why you're so focused on me! Aphra would have you in a second – happily! And she's as messed up as you are – why are you still chasing me?"
She knew, she knew that he saved her life when she was a Rebel and before when she'd been out on her own in the streets, that he had watched over her like some sort of a twisted guardian angel she had never noticed… But Padme didn't understand why? God knew they hadn't been friends in school. Their mothers had gotten along but that had meant nothing to either of them. So why? Why did he protect her? Why did he even want her?
"I care about you, Padme…" He drew closer, "you know that."
"Those months we had together were nice, but – "
"It wasn't just those three months." His voice was quiet and he avoided her eyes, looking pained. "Come on, Padme, you can't be that naive… I was an idiot back in school but all I ever wanted was your attention." Slowly, something slightly wistful and very bitter came across his mouth, almost a smile. "I don't think I went about it in the right way."
"You had a crush on me in school?" So, it had been a silly schoolboy crush all along, all the times he teased her, pushed her, antagonised her? "You made my life miserable."
Anakin stared at his boots, whatever hint of a smile that had existed on his mouth was gone, instead, he frowned. "The world may have changed but some things stayed the same, huh?"
If he was looking for her pity, he wouldn't have it. Unlike him, she would never enjoy hurting someone but the truth was the truth… Wasn't it? Well, there was some truth to it at least. He had made her miserable through his actions but Anakin himself had made her happy for three months. "It did change," she whispered, wrapping her arms around herself, "for a while."
Anakin nodded and squeezed his eyes shut for a long moment before straightening his back. Just like earlier, he lacked his usual air of confidence… Somehow the Imperial leader looked smaller. It was easy to forget he was just a man sometimes, not a god or King of the new world… He'd been rattled today, Padme could tell, by her, by Ahsoka and by whatever was happening out there that had them both so worried.
She wished she could tell what was going through that mind of his, that things were different and she could ask him to confide in her. Those three months felt like years ago, like different people in another world… This had seemed like a kinder place then. How sweet delusions could be.
"Come downstairs with me," Anakin said at last, "there's something I want to show you."
She shook her head, eyes closed heavily. "I just want to go to bed… It's been a long couple of days…" Whatever he had to show her didn't matter. What difference could it possibly make? Besides, her scalp throbbed from the tightness of her braid, she could feel the beginnings of a headache stirring behind her eyes and it wouldn't be pleasant. All she wanted to do was brush her hair out and sleep. Maybe tomorrow would be better?
Certainly couldn't be worse.
"Please?" His eyes pleaded with hers, Padme hadn't seen him look so earnest ever. "I promise it's worth it."
She hesitated, torn between the thrill of curiosity and the weight of her fatigue. Eventually, after a long sigh, she followed Anakin out of the suite and down and down and down the stairs until they reached the lobby. People milled around and she spotted Aphra scanning the glossy pages of the magazine Padme had been reading before. Funny, she didn't seem like the type…
"Rex!" Anakin hollered. The man appeared within a minute, ready and willing to serve his leader no matter what he asked. His loyalty unquestioned and happily given. Padme wished she understood it. "Get the beast up here and bring the thing."
"What?" She cried, terror pooling in her stomach. The last time that thing was brought up it was to hurt her friends. Its appearance meant nothing good. "Why do you need that up here to show me something?"
"Hey," he touched her arm and for once Padme didn't flinch away. Maybe she would have if her eyes weren't trained on the revolving door that led to the beast's basement. Her breathing quickened as the panic began to grow. She didn't want that thing up here, why would Anakin think she wanted to see anything about it? "Relax! Relax! Padme, I promise nothing's going to happen. You'll see."
A low, rumbling growl came from behind the door and she felt her fingers trembling. Just a moment later, the New Zealander reappeared leading the creature, still green and purple, still scaly, still hideous, by its leash. It already looked agitated. It struggled against being led, tugging and shrieking furiously and Padme drew back in fear. If that chain ever broke, how many people could it kill before it was taken down? It'd taken bullets before and lived, she'd seen it…
Without care for his life or safety, Anakin strode toward the beast as Imperials sniggered around them. "About time she found out!" Aphra whispered loudly to Dooku who merely stared ahead as if bored. The Imperial leader stopped just a few feet from the snarling creature, meeting its yellow gaze unflinchingly.
"Now, you be a good little monster. Okay?" He talked as if it were his beloved pet – the absurdity might have made Padme laugh if she weren't so utterly terrified. He held out his hand as Rex stepped out of the revolving door for a second time, having handed the leash to a man whose name she didn't remember. The man passed an old, battered guitar into Anakin's hand and she jolted, blinking twice to be sure she wasn't imagining things. Of all the objects in the world Rex could have retrieved, she would never, ever, have thought of a guitar! Other than smacking the creature over the head with it, Padme couldn't fathom why he'd need such a thing.
Slowly, Anakin pulled the worn strap over his shoulder and strummed the strings tunelessly as he began to spin with the fiddling pieces at the top to alter the sound. He seemed pleased enough with the sound after a few moments and plucked at the strings with more purpose. The song sounded… Familiar… It pulled at something inside her, a long-forgotten memory she just couldn't recall. Maybe she'd liked that song in the times before, maybe it played on the radio and she'd sung along carelessly…
The beast stopped growling immediately.
Padme's eyes widened, fascinated, as its movements slowed, the protests against its leash died away as Anakin played the instrument like an expert, his skilled fingers playing a beautiful tune that could have swept her away if not for the creature's presence. It'd been so long since she heard music… The thing seemed completely soothed, enthralled and relaxed, kneading its claws into the carpet for a few moments before laying down with something like a content sigh.
She looked around frantically but nobody seemed surprised or fazed – did everyone here know about this? How was that possible? After another moment or two, Anakin pulled the guitar off his shoulder and handed it back to Rex. The Imperial leader's bright eyes seared into Padme's, excited and vibrant now, so unlike how it'd been upstairs. "You see?" He spoke to her alone despite the others in the room. "Now you're a real Imperial. You know our secret."
"I… They respond to music?" Padme drew closer to him, gaping, "it – is it really that easy?"
"Yes," Anakin nodded, "it soothes them to sleep. If we still had the technology and power for strong speakers we could put every creature we come across to sleep for an easy kill. For now, all we have is the guitar."
"How?" Her mind reeled, "How do you know about this?"
He pointed at the beast, "it's loyal to me for a reason. I found it at the beginning of all this," his words came in too low a whisper for anyone else to overhear. So not everybody knew this part of the story, then… Anakin did keep some secrets from the Imperials after all. "Back when there weren't many of them – when the armies still had some sort of control. I found it by a bush and it was so little… Just a baby. It wasn't so scary back then."
She couldn't believe what she was hearing! He had the beast all this time? Before they overtook humanity and killed millions? How was that even possible? "You just adopted it?"
Anakin smiled, gleaming with pride. "I thought it might come in useful… And I was right."
"You need to tell someone! Everyone!" This information could save lives! So many lives, Padme couldn't begin to imagine it. "If the creatures can be tamed as babies then maybe – "
"No."
His tone was final. It was supposed to end the conversation but she didn't care. This was a real chance to make a change in this terrible word, to prevent needless suffering! How could he pass that up again? He kept the information that beasts were attracted to blood to himself too, how many lives could that have saved?
"Anakin, you have the power to save lives! How can you keep that to yourself?"
"Because I don't care about anyone outside of this building, that's how." He turned his back on her and paced a few steps as the beast slept on peacefully. Around them, Imperials glanced at one another awkwardly, to them it was probably just another lovers spat. How no one here seemed to understand the importance of this knowledge was crazy!
"Well, I care!" She cried, outraged. This went beyond his cruelty, far, far beyond whatever lust for power the new world had given him, this was absolute madness! Didn't he want the possibility of the old world returning? No, Padme realised suddenly, Anakin was born for this world, for chaos and madness, not stability. Of course, he wanted to preserve it. "Can't you think of someone else for once in your life?!"
"I did tell someone!" He snapped, whipping around to face Padme again, eyes blazing. "I told someone and you know what happened? They tried to kill it anyway and then they tried to kill me. I won't make the same mistake twice."
Someone tried to kill him because of the creature? For a moment, just one flicker of a second, Anakin looked haunted and then grieved before his fury returned. Padme had seen it though and it shook her to her core. Oh, Anakin, she thought, what happened to you?
"Who – " She began to ask when a high pitched growl interrupted and she turned to look at the beast, finding it still fast asleep at Rex's feet. How was that possible? Suddenly, another foul shriek filled the air and she slowly raised her gaze to the revolving door, a deep pit of horror beginning to form in her belly. "You have more of them?" She turned back to Anakin, "How many more of these do you have?"
"Twelve," he said. "With more on the way."
"On the… You're breeding them?" She cried, disgusted. Just how many creatures did he plan to own? Breeding twelve of them could lead to countless beasts down there. A whole new wave of them. Bringing back the old world would be impossible…
"Why?" She asked, incredulous, "why would you want more of those things in the world? Haven't enough people died?"
"Those things," he pointed toward the revolving door, "are the key to our survival, Padme. The people in this building's survival. I told you, they're the only people I care about."
Three small cheers of agreement rang out after his words and she scoffed, completely repulsed and yet she could not find it in herself to feel surprised because of course. Of course, Anakin was breeding creatures in the basement, taming them to gain power and control, using the things that murdered her family and tore her little nieces apart for his amusement. It was too much… Harsh jolts of pain and anguish jabbed at her until it felt as if she couldn't breathe.
She had to get out of here.
Padme rushed toward the stairs and climbed them two at a time, ignoring the burn in her legs and the tightening in her chest. The further she got away from that lobby and basement the better. Maybe then she could breathe again. Maybe then she could think! Her head throbbed, her eyes burned and as she reached the door to the suite, the possibility of this world finally, finally breaking her seemed all too real.
As soon as she was inside, Padme ran toward the high window and pressed her forehead and palms against the cool glass, letting out a strangled sob. Why was she crying now? She felt rattled, her nerves were frayed beyond repair. This world was cruel and terrible and she hated it. It wasn't supposed to be like this… Monsters were supposed to live inside stories and nightmares, not the streets! And they certainly weren't supposed to wear the face of a handsome, tormented man. Her parents and sister were supposed to be alive, her nieces were supposed to grow up, she was supposed to graduate and start her life.
And yet, despite the deep pit of despair Padme had found herself in lately, the hopelessness and the fear, she wanted to survive. This was a terrible life, it was wretched and messy but she wanted it. She clung to every second of light she could find, even if right now it felt as if hers was going out. But she had hope. Anakin and his beast army couldn't take that away from her.
Once again he followed her upstairs, just a few seconds behind her. She turned when she heard his footsteps enter the room. This time he didn't hesitate before entering. Fury was his shield as he stormed toward her, blazing in his eyes. "You want to think I'm a monster?" He growled, eyes boring angrily into hers, "Fine! Feel free! But monsters survive, Padme. Do you have any idea how many people are dead? It's probably more than either of us can imagine. You've seen what they do – people ripped apart, screaming for mercy, bleeding out on the street… Do you want that to be you?"
Fresh tears welled in her eyes and her voice died in her throat as she shook her head. His gaze was piercing– in all the time she'd known him, Padme had never seen Anakin so passionate about anything. His bluntness edged into cruelty but she knew him enough to understand it wasn't his intention. He was wound up, his hands trembling violently at his sides, she'd never seen him so affected. "It won't be me." He continued, voice hard. "Padme, you have to realise there is no happy ending in this world! No superheroes are coming to take the beasts down, there are no magic spells or military coming to help us. This is it. If we want to live, we've got to fight for it – and fight like hell."
"You don't know that!" She forced the words out as her tears fell, "someone could do something! There could still be a chance!"
"I know this," Anakin came closer and grasped her shoulders over the grey-white of her shirt, "this city is running out of resources. Sooner than later, food is going to be hard to come by." His gaze was serious as his grip tightened, "What little is left has to be shared between us, the Rebels and whoever else is out there… It's not enough. When we plant things, those things dig them up and eat them. Or they destroy it. Don't you see? We're in big trouble. When hunger hits people are going to get desperate. Real desperate. Humanity isn't going to factor into things for long when we're fighting for food. I don't know how much longer we have until what little stability we have here goes to shit. All I know is the Imperials are my people, I'll fight for them and their survival… If that means I have to kill for it, so be it."
Padme grasped the front of his shirt in her fist, horrified. She supposed it was always only a matter of time before something like this happened, no food production meant a limited supply. Running out was inevitable. Just when she thought this hell of a world couldn't get any worse. If the Imperials and Rebels couldn't stand to make peace now, then was no hope of them banding together when they were starving. People would turn on each other, on their own factions, even. The enemy would no longer be just the beasts, it would be each other. "Anakin, what are we going to do?"
"We're going to defend ourselves with everything we have… Even if it means abandoning our humanity. Those creatures down there? They're our secret weapon. When people decide to attack over territory or breaks in for whatever food we have left, that's how we'll survive."
"I can't," she whispered, shaking her head, "I can't be a monster."
He cupped her face in his hand and god, she'd missed his touch despite everything. She was tired, far too tired to fight it. Anakin's eyes were searing in their intensity, powerfully determined and blazing with a heat they hadn't shared in months. "Then I'll be a monster enough for both of us."
His lips crashed into hers and Padme threw her arms around him without thought. Their mouths ravished each other, biting, sucking and teasing one another's lips until they were swollen and bruised from the friction. She launched herself into him, into whatever he could do to chase away the pain, the fear and frightening numbness that had begun to overtake her. Anakin brought her heat, he could give her something to cling to, to fight for, to live for. Selfish as it was, she wanted it. Needed it.
Her belt and holsters landed on the carpet with a soft thunk when he undid the strap before beginning to work on the stubborn, tarnished button of her dark jeans. Let him have her… Let him obliterate her so long as she felt something again, she thought as he sunk to his knees to untie the laces of her boots.
Soon, they were gone and then so were her jeans followed by her shirt and underwear in a blur of movement and sensation as he guided her backwards to the bed. She landed with a thud on the soft mattress. It'd been months since she'd let him touch her and just the hint of it was enough to send heat pooling between Padme's legs. God, she needed it. It was greedy, it was selfish, he'd tried to kill her friends and yet she thrilled in the way the Imperial leader kissed his way down her body. What kind of a person was she? Did it even matter anymore when humanity close to turning on each other?
Outside, at the very top of the city that had never slept, the wind roared to life when he plunged his tongue into her core, giving her a long, wet lick. Pleasure burst between her legs so violently that for one half of a second stars flashed before her eyes. Her eyes rolled back and it was all Padme could do to grasp onto the sheets for dear life. She'd missed this, oh she'd missed this so badly…
Anakin kissed her core desperately, as if his very life depended on her pleasure and it was wonderful, amazing, she could hardly breathe through the onslaught… And yet her heart stung for something more, whispering that this could never be enough to change what happened.
Although, when his mouth found her clit, it felt very close to enough, for now at least.
Padme moaned, louder than she ever did when they'd done this regularly and reached down to tangle her fingers in his soft, sandy curls. She tugged on them, probably a little too roughly, as he sucked her to near oblivion but he never pulled back from his task, never lifted a hand to loosen her grip. Maybe it was repentance, the pain and the pleasure an apology he could never put into words… It wasn't enough, it couldn't be enough.
Still, she couldn't help but use her legs to draw Anakin even closer, encouraging extra intensity in the delicious friction he gave her. Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop were the only thoughts that ran through her mind as her hips lifted, tilting toward his mouth as his hands squeezed the flesh of her backside. I'll be monster enough for both of us… His voice boomed in her mind suddenly, surprising Padme as her pleasure began to spike.
He was happy to further taint himself, to mar himself in darkness just to preserve what little light she'd clung to in this world. Anakin would kill for her, beasts or humans, without mercy… Would he die for her, she wondered? How far would the Imperial leader go to fulfil such a pledge?
As if he sensed her thoughts, Anakin's eyes lifted to give her a look that was full of dark, angry lust and… And…
Padme came apart with a force she'd never known she had, her body coiled tight as a long, whining shriek tumbled from her lips and out into the suite. What a good thing it was that everybody was so far below them… She might have laughed if she weren't consumed by pleasure.
Throwing an arm over her eyes, gasping breathlessly, she rode every wave of ecstasy as it hit her, bucking and pushing up against his mouth until, finally, it was all gone from her body.
The mattress dipped as he climbed onto the bed beside her and Padme sat up, relishing in the slight sensation of cool air the small movement brought. She tugged her hair-tie out and unwound the tight braid her hair almost permanently lived in until her curls were free to tumble down her back. It felt good, lighter even despite the heavy weight the thickness of her hair created. As soon as she was done, Anakin tugged her by the wrist, pulling her into his lap so she could straddle him. The familiarity of it was nice, like an age-old dance she knew the steps of without thought.
But what happened now?
Anakin's hands were gentle as they stroked her hips and sides, up and down, affectionate despite the obvious lust in his eyes. "Padme…" His voice was tender on her name and after a moment it became clear he wasn't looking for her to return the favour, the realisation was enough to stun her for a moment. He pressed his forehead to hers, "I – I don't even know – "
She grit her teeth and began to brace herself for what was to come. Padme wanted to live, desperately, but just being alive wasn't living, this world had taught her that. Anakin believed that to live well, one had to take what they could no matter the consequences, he'd told her that once. Be selfish, he'd said, no one's going to give you anything you don't take for yourself.
Right now, maybe for the first time in her life, Padme wanted to be selfish.
She was going to take not give.
It was only fair.
It wasn't difficult to rip Anakin's shirt off his body and toss it to the floor. It was even easier to push him down to the mattress with an edge of roughness that surprised even her. He went down quickly, eyes wide with shock. Padme had never been anything but tender with him, passionate yes, but she'd never been harsh, rough or coarse. A lot had changed since those three months.
She shimmied down his body and tugged off his belt with a risky hiss of leather before setting about the button and zipper of his pants. He helped her, lifting his hips when she slid off his jeans after ridding him of his boots. Once his cock was free, Padme curled her fingers around the warm, smooth skin of it. Licking her lips, she gathered her nerve. "Do you think those condoms are still usable?"
Surprise seemed to jolt through Anakin. His eyes widened first, comically large, before his jaw followed suit. "What? I – Padme, I don't know if – I mean…" He spluttered but she caught his eyes flick toward the bedside table on what used to be his side of the bed. She hadn't gone near it since he left. Of course…
She climbed off his body and moved around the bed to tug open the simple drawer. Inside, a brightly branded package labelled with bold, dark lettering promising thinness and extra pleasure lay alone in the otherwise empty space. Padme snatched it up and turned the package around once and then twice two find the small expiration date stamp.
Three months left.
The packaging tore easily beneath her teeth and she plucked a single foil packet out while clambering back onto the bed where Anakin still watched her with wide eyes. "Hey – hey!" He caught her waist when she straddled him, "You sure about this?"
Was she sure about this? The question could have made her laugh and cry. How could she be sure about anything anymore? The world changed overnight once and it was close to changing again, somehow even worse this time. That kind of thing made someone question herself. She didn't trust him, would never trust him… But he brought out feelings Padme needed to survive, whatever that meant.
"I want to feel alive," she whispered, "I need to."
Trembling fingers rolled the condom over his length. Her hips readjusted just as Anakin's mouth opened to speak but the words were lost, cut off by the strangled groan that erupted from his throat when she sunk down on him.
She hissed, gritting her teeth as their bodies slowly came together. Fuck, did it hurt… Her inner muscles weren't used to this thickness and they clenched around him automatically when they needed to loosen. The dull ends of her nails sunk hard into the flesh of his chest as she braced herself on him, if it hurt, Padme doubted he even noticed over his obvious pleasure.
One deep breath, one half-thrust and one barely held back cry of pain and it was gone. Her virginity, gone. Really? She thought, that was it? Where was the life-altering change people talked about? She didn't feel any different only sore and stretched… Why did people put so much value on virginities in the old world again? It was so easily broken… Now, in a world where everything was broken, something so fragile wasn't worth a second thought. How things changed…
Once upon a time, Padme imagined this would take place on her wedding night. She'd be in white satin, on her back beneath a man she loved more than life itself… In reality, she began to lift her herself off the cock of a man who hurt her friends, who she couldn't bear to trust, who she vowed to never, ever love…
At least she got a presidential suite.
Though, if she were honest with herself, that had been the desire of a girl, the naive child she used to be before her world died. It had shifted over time as she grew up. Even in college, Padme hadn't dated much but if she found someone she loved, something told her waiting for a wedding might not have been the path she'd have gone down.
If things had gone differently that day, she and Anakin would have done this far, far sooner, after all, and they certainly wouldn't have a wedding.
Sometimes, things just changed… It was nice to know this world hadn't taken that from her, at least.
"Oh… Fuck, Padme…" Anakin moaned, squeezing at her waist as she began to ride him. He was beautiful when lost in bliss, eyes shut and jaw slack… She'd always thought he looked far younger when he relaxed. Less like the imposing Imperial leader and more like the young man he should have been.
Moving helped with the pain, at least a little, rocking her hips as he began to thrust up to meet her gave her purpose as something, something, began to spark between her legs that made her eyes flutter closed. There were steps to this – awkward – dance of theirs, up, down, swivel, lean… Slowly, just like before, they began to learn. If she rose to the tip of him and then took him to the hilt, it made Anakin's back arch and a curse tumble from his lips. If she tilted her hips backwards and then forward as he thrust into her, he whined and the sound fed her lust.
Slowly, the pain began to fade as they moved, rutting and grinding and gasping and grunting together, and Padme threw herself into her lust.
Outside, the wind howled along with their passion, dancing its way between the city's looming skyscrapers just to rattle against the glass. Neither Padme or Anakin noticed, too lost in the endless valley of each other's bodies. Anakin's hot breath ghosted across her neck, her throat and then her breasts as his lips explored previously conquered territory once more and she threw back her head when he licked her nipples into stiff peaks.
Suddenly, after a particularly deep thrust, Anakin pulled back and guided Padme's busy hips up and off his body. She gave a small whine from the loss of him, wet and wanting now. What was he doing? The lust inside her wanted to yell its frustration.
"Turn around," he rasped against her shoulder and then suckled a bruise into the skin.
She didn't ask why. She didn't care enough to bother. The movement was a little awkward and stiff but she turned, his chest pressed to her back, her knees on either side of his thighs, his hands on her breasts and – oh!
Padme's head fell backwards onto Anakin's shoulder as he filled her body again, pushing deep inside her as one hand remained on her breast, flicking the pad of his thumb across her nipple. The other hand, rough and calloused from weapons and fighting held onto her hip for dear life as he moved, hips rolling against her. Pleasure shot between her legs, up her belly and throughout her entire body. Things between them had been good before but fuck, this was amazing… When he pulled her hair to one side and kissed away the salty sweat at the nape of her neck, she began to understand what all the fuss was about when it came to this.
"Yes…" She moaned as both hands pawed roughly at her breasts again, "Oh, Anakin, oh god." How on earth did he figure out how damn good this new angle could be? Padme matched the rhythm of his hips, bouncing on his hard cock again and again and again until they grew less clumsy and went faster, harder, more desperate. "Don't stop!" She pleaded, "Oh god, don't stop!"
"Never!" He hissed. She took him deep, pushing her pelvis back as their bodies merged, her back so close to his chest, sweat clinging to them like a second skin, it felt impossible to know where he ended and she began. "So good," he moaned into Padme's neck, "You feel so good…"
"Mmm," Padme agreed, reaching back to tangle her fingers in his hair again as he sealed his lips to the point her neck met shoulder, but it wasn't enough. There was so much, an onslaught of pleasure and pain where the stretch still burned slightly but it wasn't enough. She hovered just over the edge of release, it was so close, but frustratingly just beyond her reach no matter how much she ground down on him or how expertly he kissed her neck or how the tip of him hit that perfect spot with every thrust, she needed something more. "Anakin," she gasped his name, "I – I need…"
"What?" He groaned, "what do you need?"
It was too much, her desire too overwhelming to put into words so Padme grasped one of his hands and pulled it down to her clit instead. The message was simple but effective and he moaned into her ear. Just a few rubs of his calloused fingers against her needy bundle of nerves and everything within her burst. Erupt. Stars exploded beneath her skin, waves upon waves of pleasure crashed over the shore of her body so hard she trembled beneath the force of it. She came so damn hard, inner muscles spasming around Anakin's throbbing cock, forcing a crazed moan from his panting lips.
Padme threw back her head and roared. Hips bucking, skin slapping over and over and over again until he followed. Anakin threw an arm around her hips to still her frantic movements and thrust up and up and in, groaning a muffled, "Padme, fuck, Padme…" into her skin. The rest was a long, unintelligible cry of ecstasy while his body shuddered, tremoring around and within her.
And just like that, it was over.
Several minutes passed before Padme gathered the strength to move, sliding off of Anakin's lap and collapsing on the mattress with a grunt of exertion. Every muscle in her body felt exhausted. She felt like she could sleep for a week! Almost immediately, her eyes began to droop and the call of sleep was strong. Vaguely, she was aware of him leaving the bed to do something with the condom for a few moments before the bed sunk beneath his weight once again.
"Padme…" Anakin sounded small, hesitant, almost awkward despite what they'd just done. "Can I… Can I stay? With you?"
She looked at him, difficult as it was to open her eyes and tugged her lip between her teeth. Rationally, Padme knew she should send him away and call this a one time mistake. A moment of solace from her anger and grief. That was what any smart person would have done. But her cooling skin already missed the heat of him against it. Her heart sung a song of yes. She wished it were that easy.
"I want you to…" She whispered, "but I… Anakin, I don't know if I can ever trust you again…"
"I know." He looked solemn, "But I'll give you every reason to as long as I'm alive. I promise you."
Maybe it was the exhaustion or the warm, tingling contentment of the aftermath clouding her vision, or maybe she was just plain stupid, but whatever it was, Padme found truth in his eyes. "What if it's not enough?" She reached out to him as she asked and he laid down beside her, pulling her flushed body to his so that her head rested on his chest. Beneath his skin, his heart pounded.
"I'll make it enough."
As she began to drift to sleep, Padme slung her arm over his stomach and felt peace war with dread in her chest. Come what may, could there be a happy ending for them? For either of them? They were fire and ice, she thought, destined to consume each other.
It was the oldest story ever written, a tragedy in the making.
But then why did it feel so right?