A/N: I'll be replying to reviews of the last chapter tomorrow, my work has just been too crazy to have the time this week. About this chapter... don't kill me, please...
Huddled deep inside one of the frayed and decrepit diner booths in the hotel's kitchen, Mon was the one to catch Padme sobbing and lamenting everything that had happened with Anakin earlier that day. At the sight of the hard-faced redhead, she quickly wiped her eyes and tried to calm her stuttering breath before the other woman saw too much. Evidently, her efforts came too late as Mon gave a long sigh and walked to the storage room where all food and supplies were kept.
She watched curiously until Mon returned, her white, flowing trousers were loose around her legs contrasting prettily with the silky ivory blouse she'd tucked into the waistband, the only woman in the world who managed to look sophisticated in hell. Brandishing an unopened bottle of rum, the redhead returned to the booth and graciously swung her slight frame inside. "Here," she said, "drink this. You'll probably feel better for it."
Just the sight of alcohol was enough for her stomach to churn warningly. The hangover after her night with Sabe and Dorme was… well, it hadn't been a fun day – and that was without the discovery of her new hair…
"I think I've been indulging a little too much lately," Padme forced a laugh and hoped her eyes weren't too red and swollen. "But thank you."
Mon nodded once and glanced downward at the chipped, beige tabletop. "Honestly, Padme I have never considered myself to be very good at the… comforting thing. I was always too busy with work to form any true friendships before. All I know is, the person you're crying over is not worth it. I don't have any kinder words than that, so all I can offer you is alcohol and a willing ear."
"Thank you," she said, "that's… That's very kind but I'm alright, really."
"Someone who is alright doesn't hide themselves away to cry where they think nobody will come looking for them." Mon raised one slender eyebrow, "Now, I'm going to dive into this and I would appreciate it if you didn't let me drink alone." She unscrewed the black, unbroken cap of the rum and brought the bottle to her lips, drinking as easily as if it was water. Part of Padme cringed at the thought of drinking again but accepted the bottle when the other woman passed it over anyway.
She never was a rum drinker, the taste was far from what she would describe to be pleasant but the burn distracted her from her aching heart for a moment. It was nice. "Look," something exhausted inside her brought the words forward, already understanding the conversation Mon was about to initiate. The same one everyone had with her since her return from The Empire. "I know what you're going to say… So please, just – just don't, okay?"
Anakin's cruel words lingered in her mind, tearing her to pieces with every brutal strike. He knew exactly how to hurt her and he'd used every trick he had. Padme's eyes burned, threatening to fill with more tears, so she looked up the ceiling and willed them away. And then she drank. Deeply.
"What do you think I'm going to say?"
"The same thing everybody does. That he doesn't deserve me. That I should just move on… Like it's so easy to do."
Apparently, it was. Anakin already did it.
She drank again despite hating the taste.
"Well," Mon's long fingers tapped against the table, "then I'd be correct, wouldn't I?"
"You've barely spoken to me since I came back," she passed the rum to Mon who took a far smaller taste, "why are you being my friend now?"
"Truthfully," she nodded slowly to herself, eyes downcast as if thinking deeply as she crafted her answer. "I've been avoiding you. I've never been in love, Padme – it never appealed to me, really. I dated, of course, I cared about my…" a flash of grief passed over her face, "I cared about someone who this world took but there was never a chance to love. I just… I can't bring myself to understand how a woman can bear to let a man affect her like this. No one in any life should wield so much power over your emotions… Though perhaps that's merely my inexperience speaking."
"I wasn't so powerless," Padme muttered bitterly, "And it… It was something real and mostly good and it made me feel alive! Even in the old world, love was a good thing - not a play for power over another person."
"Can something so good end so terribly?"
Padme wondered about that for a moment as Mon slid the bottle back across the table. She picked it up and considered her relationship with Anakin in its entirety. It had brought her joy and misery hand in hand. He was loving and jealous, tender and spiteful… Had it really been something good or did she let herself become so absorbed by his intense focus on keeping her safe that reality had faded away? How could someone who truly loved her set out to hurt her so terribly?
"All things end eventually," she brought the rum to her lips, "it's not always nice." She thought of her parents. Her sister and nieces. The man the Imperials tied up and left for dead. "That doesn't mean you shouldn't live."
"Tell me," Mon leaned forward, "doesn't that same thinking apply to you? Why should you mourn and weep? What right does he have to do this to you?"
"You should have been a therapist," Padme found it within herself to laugh, "I think you would have been very good at it."
"Well then," Mon chuckled lightly at that. Another gulp of rum made Padme's body begin to tingle. She hadn't eaten anything all day. "Perhaps you'll listen when I tell you that that man has never and will never deserve you."
If only she had a dollar for every time someone had said that… Not that money meant anything these days.
"It doesn't matter anyway. He doesn't want me, he made that perfectly clear today."
The admission was almost therapeutic to say out loud but it made her stomach roll and heart sink at the same time. Padme had to close her eyes for a moment, trying to ignore the deep sorrow in her heart as Anakin's horrible words replayed themselves yet again in her head. Mon watched her and let out a small, sympathetic sound, handing the rum back from her.
Padme accepted it and drank and drank and drank more. The effect hit her all too quickly as the world began to twirl around her.
"Obi-wan and I have been talking. Something is happening in The Empire, Padme." The other woman's sharp words changed the subject so smoothly that she wondered if this was the reason Mon had sat down with her in the first place. "We don't know what exactly Skywalker is doing in there but we suspect it's something big. The monster's numbers are growing beyond control and they're getting bigger. Harder to kill."
A lot of things Obi-wan and Mon didn't know happened in The Empire. There were secrets only Imperials carried. But I'm not an Imperial anymore, Padme thought to herself. That was enough to make her drink again. Just over half the bottle was empty now. Anger bloomed deep in her belly as she thought of all the information Anakin hoarded about the beasts, things that would help people live. The music, the breeding, their attraction to blood…
I won't keep your secrets anymore.
"He breeds then, y'know," Padme heard herself slur, "I heard them and he admitted it. I don't know how many he has."
Honestly, she didn't know why she said nothing before now. It was information Obi-wan may need in case the Imperials ever attacked again. Maybe she was afraid it would push the two clans closer to all-out war. Maybe she was afraid of betraying Anakin's trust.
She imagined him and Aphra in the bed they shared. She saw them kissing, touching, hands wandering…
Suddenly, everything she learned as an Imperial came tumbling out of Padme's mouth. The music, the blood, everything. She expected to feel lighter, unburdened even, but the unbearable weight that had settled over her since her return didn't lift. If anything, she felt just a little worse.
Mon was rattled, obviously so, and angry at her for not saying anything sooner. But mostly, she was worried. Her face paling further as every secret Anakin kept was revealed. Why did it have to be like this, Padme wondered? Why couldn't people band together and try to survive instead of separating and turning on one another so viciously? She just couldn't understand it – they were all humans, all in the same situation, caught up in a dangerous tangle of sharp teeth and claws.
"Why can't we work together?" She murmured and then drank again, "the Rebels and the Imperials would be better off if we came together."
"Ha!" Mon's unleashed a deeply sarcastic and humourless peel of laughter, "Try telling Skywalker that. It's probably his beasts attracting the others and putting us in this situation."
Despite everything, Padme's swimming mind couldn't make herself believe Anakin's bred beasts were the cause in the monster's surging numbers. He'd never let those things up from the hotel's basement. Only one creature ever made it outside the hotel and it was kept on a leash, fully controlled and obedient to him.
Then again, she hadn't been an Imperial for a while. Maybe things had changed inside The Empire without Rex.
Without her.
"I have to tell Obi-wan about all of this." Mon sounded perturbed, "He… He must know about this. Please, excuse me."
Padme watched the redhead slide out of the booth and hurry off to find the Rebel leader. Whatever came of this information getting out, she was glad she did it. If knowing it could save one life – just one… Then it would be worth it. Anakin would never see it that way but it would be worth it. She had never subscribed to his belief that survival was for the few – everyone deserved to live.
She stayed in the booth alone as darkness began to drift into the room. How long had she been in here? Hours? The slight ache in her legs suggested so. It didn't take long to finish the rum – Padme had drank most of it anyway – and the powerful consequence made her clumsy and woozy as she finally slipped out of the booth and made her way to her bedroom.
Once safely inside, the booze she'd practically inhaled really began to take its toll. Her mind swam, making her dizzy and the hurting she tried to drown out only intensified. She really couldn't go on like this, living in this constant misery and heartbreak was killing her soul and her will to live in this mess of a world. The last time she felt so weak and alone was right after her family died. If this kept on, one way or another, Padme was going to end up dead too.
She needed something that would pull her out of the squalor of anguish and despair her mind had trapped her inside. A real distraction. God knew she'd tried drinking and that hadn't worked. What else was there? Drugs? Padme would never, even if that was an option these days. She just needed something to make her feel better, something to override the pain…
Turning slowly, in case the sudden movement either made her hurl the limited contents of her stomach or tripped her over, she looked at her door, tasted the lingering flavour of rum on her breath and had an idea. Even in her inebriated state, Padme knew it probably wasn't wise but if it could make her feel better just for a few seconds…
For the first time since she left The Empire, a cool sense of calm washed over her. Yes, she'd made her decision. This would heal her regardless of the consequences, it would take away the pain, she knew it would.
Taking a deep, steadying breath, Padme walked out of her bedroom and into the dark hallway of bedrooms, turning two corners, passing Dorme's bedroom and then Sabe's on her way. Either woman would have comforted her with words and soothing touches but that was not what she wanted – needed – tonight. The walk was only a minute or two from her bedroom but felt like an age as she stumbled down the halls until the door came into view. Her hand shook as it raised to rap two sharp knocks.
A moment later, Rush opened up. "Padme!" He looked surprised to see her, "What do I owe the pleasure?"
It was really quite difficult to keep her words from slurring as they left her mouth and she wasn't confident in her success as she swayed on her feet. "I just… I wanted to talk to you."
"Of course," he smiled warmly, throwing his door open wider. "Come on in!"
He let her in and shut the door. Rush's room was almost identical to Padme's own, The Coruscant had been a budget hotel once, there were no frills, only standard rooms. The only difference was his two bedside tables to her one. There was nothing personal in the room to signify it was his, nothing that made it home… Then again, her room didn't feel like home either.
Rush sat down gingerly on one side of the bed while Padme fell much less graciously on the other. Unlike Sabe, he hadn't made a habit of stealing the hotel's furniture to fill his bedroom, which meant the only place to sit, other than the torn, shoddy carpet, was the bed. "I hope I'm not bothering you, Rush," she murmured, drawing her legs up close to her chest.
"Not at all!" He smiled at her so warmly that even she couldn't help but return it, "You know I adore your company, Padme. I always have." They fell into a companionable silence. Rush drummed his fingers on his knee as Padme kicked off her boots and heard them hit the carpet with a soft thud. Her heart hammered. Nerves twisted and pulled at her stomach. Once this was done there was no going back… Now that she was here, it felt like sitting on a precipice she was about to leap from. "I was thinking today about my old friend from work today," he started a story to fill the silence, "he had this ridiculous beard that he – "
Wherever his story was heading, she would never know the ending. The words fell away into stunned silence when Padme shuffled across the small bed, straddled him and then kissed him. More of a hard mashing of her lips against his but Rush still pulled away in shock. Her first kiss after Anakin. She hated the guilt that crept over her at the thought. He could do it, something inside of her muttered, he fucked someone else. Why can't you?
"You've been drinking," Rush began but his hands still cupped her hips, sliding up to the subtle dip of her waist. "This isn't a good idea."
No, it probably wasn't. If Mon hadn't given her the rum earlier, they probably wouldn't be in this position but she was desperate to feel something again, something other than abject misery and grief. Even if only for a little while, she needed a distraction. Taking his face in her hands, Padme kissed him again. Harder this time, tugging his lip between her teeth. Rush grunted, running his hands up her back as they kissed.
It wasn't how she thought it would be. She didn't feel any better, her soul still felt dead inside her. Kissing Rush felt like… nothing. It did nothing for her. Her senses didn't burn nor did heat coil low in her belly from his touch. Her body didn't respond to him at all.
Maybe she was an idiot, maybe she was addicted to the pain he caused her but she shut her eyes and imagined, despite everything he'd done, that she was kissing Anakin instead. The memory of their heated kiss earlier, before he ruined her, was still fresh in her memory. Rush's lips were thinner than his, his body slighter but if she pretended hard enough, it almost felt like being with her lover again.
He tugged the thin material of her t-shirt off her body and then deftly undid the clasp of her bra, slipping the white straps off her shoulders until it fell off her arms completely. The slight chill in the room whispered around her breasts, hardening her nipples into stiff peaks. Rush stared for a moment, his jaw hanging slightly open as if in awe but Padme didn't that. She wanted fire and passion and to forget who she was getting into bed with.
Deep down part of her wanted to make things equal. If he could fuck someone else then so could she.
She still wished it was Anakin and not Rush beneath her.
She had been scarred by everything that had happened to her both physically and emotionally. Each trauma lingered inside Padme every moment of her life, pulling at her, twisting the knife of hurt they'd plunged deeply into her heart. She still felt the teeth and claws of the beasts that almost killed her. She remembered the bodies of her family. Rex's coat. Anakin's words. She almost sobbed against Rush's mouth as everything flooded through her at once.
Most of all she missed Anakin, even after everything he did. She missed them. She loved him so much even after he fucked Aphra and hissed heartless, merciless things at her. Padme wished she could feel angry, she wanted to, but nothing sputtered to life beyond hopeless, overwhelming misery.
Her eyes fell closed to preserve her imagination of being back inside the skyward peace of the suite in The Empire with Anakin, safe and warm in their bed, in his arms. She bit back a partial sob as she felt Rush's lips on her breasts. She just had to keep pretending… It would get better if she clung to it hard enough. Her fingers wove through his hair, too short, too straight, and she pretended to feel soft, blonde waves instead.
Padme couldn't watch as he kissed her breasts, licking her nipples into hard peaks his tongue flirted with. Whatever part of her mind able to fight through the haze of sorrow and alcohol hated herself as heat started pooling between her legs. Even as her heart wanted to die, her body finally began to respond to Rush's touch.
She heard his breath grow shallow with desire. His large, uncalloused, hands squeezed at her ass with a pant, grinding his hips up into hers. He was hard. The thought made her feel slightly ill as Rush made quick work of unbuttoning her jeans and underwear, helping her slide out of them until she was naked in his arms.
When he flipped them over, Padme felt the hard lumps of springs beneath the thin mattress and bit back a scream. This wasn't right. This wasn't right, what was she doing?!
Above her, Rush pulled his shirt off his body and began undoing his pants. His eyes roved her body hungrily as his clothes fell away. "God, look at you…" Padme heard him pant though her eyes remained closed. She couldn't bear to look at him. "Absolutely incredible."
She clenched her eyes tighter, ignoring the sparks of colour that bled into her eyelids from the pressure. This isn't Rush, she thought to herself, it's Anakin. You're with Anakin, it's okay.
Something about that took away the worst of her stiffness in her joints. Being back in her home with her love brought the first flush of warmth and security Padme had felt in a long while.
She could see it, Anakin undressing while she waited for him into bed, them teasing each other, laughing together as if there was nothing to worry about outside the room.
When Rush got on top of her, Padme thought of Anakin instead. It was his broad chest pressing into hers. Anakin was touching her. He was here with her now, no one else. That was the only way to make it bearable. He thrust his tongue into her mouth and she took it, opening to welcome him and throwing herself into the kiss as if her passion could fuel the reality of her fantasy. If she just worked hard enough at it, it would be real. It only lasted a few moments before he pulled away to map a long, languid journey from Padme's lips to her throat, to her breasts and then lower, lower and lower.
The wetness of Rush's mouth travelled across her flesh and she felt her face crumple as she struggled to keep her eyes shut, to keep pretending she was back in The Empire with Anakin. She didn't want this – but it would make her feel better. It was wrong. It felt so, so wrong. But that hadn't stopped Anakin…
She gasped when Rush's mouth kissed her between her legs. His hands spread her legs, holding her to his lips and tongue as he… as he… Anakin, her brain yelled, just think of him. But she couldn't picture it anymore. The knowledge of who was working between her legs poisoned her imagination as she grasped at the threadbare sheets to steady herself.
I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this…She wanted to cry. Her eyes burned behind their lids but Rush was good with his tongue and a moment later pleasure began to flood her trembling body. For the briefest instant of bliss, there was nothing but that. No pain, no thoughts, no regrets.
He moaned and worked his tongue faster when Padme began to writhe beneath him, one hand reaching up to squeeze at her breast. It only took a few minutes – she hadn't been touched in some time – before she was gasping and stiffening, barely daring to breathe as the pleasure built and built and then crashed over her body like a flood of warmth.
She cried out as the orgasm took her, jerking her hips and riding his face while he grasped her hips to hold her body still. It faded as quickly as it'd come and left her boneless and strung out. Padme panted and threw her forearm over her face, battling the guilt that chased her pleasure away. She wanted to throw her clothes on and get out. This had gone far enough – she'd been so, so stupid –
"You taste amazing…" Rush drawled as she fought to compose herself, tears threatening to leak from her closed eyes tellingly. "I could taste you all night and never be satisfied."
It was supposed to be sweet – or arousing maybe but his words were another knife in her fantasy, drastically lessening what little fire he'd roused in her. The bed dipped as he moved to the side, Padme heard the slide of a drawer, the crinkle and tearing of packaging. She could do this, she could do this…
The bed shifted and squeaked when Rush climbed over her again, stealing her lips in a kiss that inspired no hunger in her body. The heat just wasn't there… She didn't want Rush, she'd never wanted him. Anakin was the only man she'd ever wanted to be with like this.
But he threw her out. He said terrible things. He'd been with someone else.
As Rush thrust inside her, she closed her eyes again and waited for it to be over.
Slowly and gently, Padme came awake, blinking softly as the slightly roughened pillowcase scratched against her cheek. The room was black with darkness, almost impossible to see just ahead with the curtains drawn to keep away the light. She felt as though she'd just woken from a terrible dream but a soft snore beside her confirmed the unfortunate reality she'd found herself in.
She sat up, holding the thin sheet to her breast and gave a long, exhausted sigh. Beside her, Rush slept soundly, peacefully unaware of the turmoil this night had caused her. Padme sat there, in his bed, and stared down at the man hardly able to believe she'd actually gone through with it. As tempting as it was to pretend that she hadn't, the soreness between her legs was aching proof that she did.
Yes, it was real. She slept with Rush… she'd drowned in her pain and did everything and anything he wanted her to. It was a little surprising how rough he'd gotten, actually. Small throbs of pain quaked throughout her body where his fingers squeezed too hard or his teeth sunk just a little too deep… He'd been feral with her, the kind and polite Rush she knew vanishing into someone else completely. And that was what she wanted when she came here, right? To let go of her heart and fuck without love?
It hadn't even felt good… There had been no gasping pleasure or devastating release like it always was with Anakin. Maybe she was just being naive all this time, to think that sex was always amazing?
Afterwards, with Anakin, she felt boneless and exhausted and thoroughly satisfied. There was sweetness after it, kisses, touching just for the sake of it… There as love. Right now she just felt used. And furious at herself.
She was so stupid.
This was never going to happen again, ever. Not just wish Rush, Padme promised herself, but with anyone. Sex without love was just… for her, it was nothing. She felt more unhappy than before coming here – and that hadn't seemed possible before.
Carefully, the young woman slipped out of bed so slowly, moving meticulously to not wake Rush as she left. The thought of seeing him right now – or ever again, really – mortified her. She'd been so drunk and stupid!
Throwing her clothes on, she snuck out of Rush's room silent as a ghost and found herself alone in the dark hallway outside. Everybody had to be asleep by now, it was so late she probably wouldn't have to see anyone on her way back. Good, she thought, because explaining what happened tonight was… She couldn't even think about it.
The thought only made her sadder as she crept through the hallway. Anakin was no longer the last man she slept with. He wasn't the only man she'd ever been with now. That thought arose… complicated feelings inside Padme. She mourned that loss but in a small, partially petty way, she felt happy they were equals in that. They'd both done something now.
Padme doubted he regretted his choice as badly as she did, though.
Entering her own bedroom was as much of solace as she would have tonight and she embraced it, slipping out of her clothes again and collapsing into bed. The exhaustion of the day pulled at her and thankfully, there was no more thinking for the night.
The next morning, some Rebels gathered in the cramped kitchen to share a small breakfast together. While she'd been gone, Obi-wan and Mon started a collection of small gardens full of easy to grow vegetables to boost the hotel's food supplies. She'd never known a thing about gardening before but apparently, growing tomatoes, avocados and carrots was an easy thing in an empty New York.
Dorme and Bail assumed most of the conversation, discussing a surprise movie liking they had in common but Padme's mind was miles away, trying with all its might to force out the memories of last night. If she didn't think about it, it would go away. She wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of it.
That was until Rush strode into the kitchen with a wide smile lighting up his face. He looked deliriously happy and it made her stomach churn. Unbidden, flashes of how he felt and touched and kissed flew through her mind and she turned toward her other friends to avoid meeting his eye. She wasn't being fair, Padme knew that. She was the one to throw herself on him, it wasn't his fault that her plan to fuck out her pain backfired and left her feeling far worse than before. Rush was still her friend, he didn't deserve to be ignored like this.
That didn't mean she had the strength to look at him right now.
Before all too long, people began shuffling away from the table to start their day and as she racked her brain for an excuse to leave after them, Rush abruptly stood from the head of the table he'd sat by, whacking his palms on the surface with a clatter. Only her, Dorme, Sabe and Bail remained sitting, each looking more surprised than the last by the sudden outburst of sound. "Padme," the former banker looked nervous and her heart sank. No, no, no… Please don't do this. "I wonder if I could have a moment of your time?"
She felt Sabe and Dorme's quizzical eyes on the back of her head. After all the teasing they gave the dark-haired twin for almost falling into bed with Rush, she couldn't imagine how they would react to knowing Padme actually slept with him. She didn't want to tell them or anyone what happened last night. Ever. The fewer people who knew, the less real it was. Right?
What other choice was there but to agree? Their friends were already watching suspiciously, wondering what Padme and Clovis would have to whisper about in secret, if she turned him down and ran out of here, it would only be fuel to the fire. Reluctantly, she scraped her chair back with a subtle nod and followed Rush out the former staff door into the bleak alleyway outside the back of the hotel.
Her heart drummed anxiously as the door fell shut behind them. This conversation was always going to happen eventually but Padme had hoped for a few days of preparation to gather her thoughts first. The very last thing she wanted to do was hurt Rush, he was a good person and her friend but… what happened was a mistake. Her stupid mistake. Maybe he felt the same way, she thought hopefully, maybe this talk he wanted was to make sure they were on the same page about things. God, what a relief that would be!
They stood together in the cool city air in absolute silence for several long minutes, neither ready to start the conversation to come. Rush was nervous, he tugged at his sleeve and rocked on his feet as they both formed the words they wished to say. Eventually, Padme tucked her shoulder-length curls behind her ears and braced herself. "Rush, I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry." He looked surprised as she spoke, "I put you in an awkward position last night and that wasn't right."
He opened his mouth before she could continue, "Padme, don't be sorry! Last night was – "
"A mistake," those two little words seemed to dampen the light behind his bright, green eyes. "I was in a bad place and hurting and I wanted a distraction. I shouldn't have done it."
"Don't say that," he reached for her hand but Padme withdrew it before he could touch her. Even a touch as innocent as his fingers brushing hers made her feel uncomfortable now. "Padme, you needed me last night. Don't pull back now, not when you're finally getting over Skywalker and realising what you deserve!"
"What I needed," she shook her head at him. Over Anakin? Something in her didn't think that was possible. "Was to see how far I'd fallen… I've been drinking too much and wallowing and doing things that aren't good for me." The implication hung heavily in the air between them. "I needed to see all that to make a real change. I need to start living for myself again."
It wasn't easy to admit that out loud, that her shared life with the man she loved was truly over but now that she had, the hurdle didn't seem quite as steep anymore. It was a step forward, whether big or small, Padme didn't exactly know but it was forward and that's all that mattered. From now on, her life was hers. Her decisions were for herself. She had choice back in her life, regardless of the danger that freedom brought her. Almost subconsciously, she reached up to touch the short ends of her hair and for the first time didn't miss the length. That belonged to the old Padme. New Padme didn't need it anymore.
Rush looked away, glaring at the garbage on his right. "Do you…" his voice broke away. He swallowed to gather his courage. "Do you regret what happened between us? Really?"
Hurting him pained her, it truly did but she saw now that it had to happen for them to move on from this as friends. "It helped me wake up to what I was doing to myself and I needed that… But Rush, I'm sorry… I wish it hadn't happened." If she could go back in time and take it back… If she could tell herself to stop acting so stupid days ago… If, if, if… Padme had regrets, many of them, and this was a heavy one to bear regardless of what it taught her. "And, I don't want to hurt you, I really don't. You're my friend and I care about you, I do! But I need to make myself very clear about something. What happened last night will never happen again, Rush. I was drunk and upset and looking for comfort in the wrong places. I don't have feelings for you in that way and I don't want to be with you. I still lo – I'm just not in a place to be thinking about that right now. As I said, I value our friendship and I want us to keep it but that's in your hands now."
He was crestfallen. The devastation pulling at his face both shamed and hurt Padme at the same time. It wasn't just herself she'd been destroying all this time – how could she be so selfish?
He took a moment to compose himself and Padme let him. She knew what it was to have her heart broken after all. Eventually, Rush nodded once and avoided her eye. "Fine. I get it – I mean, I understand. I just hope you realise you deserve better than what he gave you."
Padme considered that with a slight frown. It was the first time anyone had said something like that. Before, it had always been about her deserving more than Anakin as a person rather than his direct actions and behaviour. This time, it made her think rather than hurt. Distantly, she felt herself nodding. "Yes…" She said at last, not lifting her eyes to meet Rush's imploring gaze. "I do."
The number of creatures in New York seemed to grow by the day. The viciousness of the fighting was getting worse and worse. The Rebels lost four people in a week. Mon had told her that there were whispers of a potential Code Red being called again to cull their numbers. Rex had been the one to announce the last one before she became an Imperial. The memory made her ache.
True to her word, Padme started living again. Going outside for the sake of fresh air and helping gather supplies. She even joined Obi-wan and Rebel fighters for the occasional patrol. Getting close to Imperial territories wasn't on her mind anymore. Running into Anakin didn't occur to her.
Finally, finally, she was moving on with her life, because everyone was right. Heartbreak couldn't last forever – especially in this world. It was a distraction when her mind had to be sharp. What she had with Anakin was wonderful and devastating and difficult to properly define. It had left her in broken ruins when it ended. He had his reasons for throwing her out and turning his back on her, Padme knew that, whether he was telling the truth the day they ran into each other and he truly didn't care about her or he was afraid of caring too much and facing the same pain he felt after losing Rex if something happened to her, it was his choice. She finally saw that. Sometimes love just couldn't be enough.
She stood on watch as Dorme and Sabe gathered supplies from one of the small gardens Obi-wan and Mon had been overseeing, it was one of the few that beasts hadn't interfered with or ruined altogether. From where they were, Padme could see the beginnings of Imperial territory. It had been three months since she ran into Anakin and spiralled but that felt like a lifetime ago. Her heartbreak was nothing but a dull ache in her chest now. Honestly, she still missed him, still carried the love he inspired in her heart but it was containable now.
Months ago, she might have been tempted to swear her friends to silence and creep into Imperial territory to try and seek him out. She would have been desperate to speak to him, to see him and tell him they could mend things between them. Things had been dangerous then but now there were far more beasts on the streets, the chance of death was higher. Walking on her own could easily be the last thing she ever did now.
There was certainly part of Padme which longed to do what her past self would have done, to run to The Empire and make him listen, but it was smaller now. It lost its dominance over her mind. At last, she finally felt some semblance of peace again.
She looked into the Imperial territories and imagined Anakin as if he stood before her, his handsome face soft and loving, looking at her just like he used to. Risking her life to see him had been easy once, she'd done it without hesitation and didn't look back. Now, Padme looked at her former lover and smiled softly. She didn't feel sad anymore, only acceptance.
I love you, she felt herself smile softly at her imagining of the Imperial leader, but not as much as I want to live.
Finally, as he disappeared before her eyes, Padme felt free.
But unfortunately, in this world, the will to survive never made anyone invincible.
Only a week after unchaining her heart to Anakin at the Imperial border, a Rebel group went out hunting, for food or bullets, whatever came first. Supplies were running at an all-time low and the beasts had been helping themselves to the spoils of the small gardens dotted around Obi-wan's territories.
The auburn-haired man led them with a gun in each hand, followed by Dorme and Sabe, Bail, Padme and even Rush. Their friendship was still strained and tainted by awkwardness but they held on, forcing conversation each day and hoping time would heal. The group had only walked three blocks and run into ten sperate beasts. The group hardly dared to breathe in case it drew the attention of more.
A low, threatening growl from behind an upcoming corner was the only warning the Rebels got before a giant, purple scaled, winged beast with two white, curling horns growing from its head, raced toward them, snarling and chomping at the air in preparation. "Oh fuck!" Rush cried as it hurled itself at them. Bullets pounded into the beast's skin, creating red, weeping holes in their wake but they didn't kill it.
More came after them fast, too fast, drawn to the sounds of a fight. Yellow, green, orange, blue, red… Creatures of every colour hissed and attacked, growling and shrieking when a bullet hit their coarse flesh. Some went down without much of a fight while others took several hits to even stumble. It had never been this difficult to kill before! Padme gasped for breath as two beasts seemed to appear for every one that died.
How were they supposed to handle this? Her mind screamed over and over again. There was too many of them! They didn't have enough ammunition to deal with this many beasts! "Obi-wan!" She roared the Rebel leader's name, "we have to get out of here!"
Five more bullets took down the original creature with a muted grunt. It fell onto a pile of beasts who screeched with all their might but couldn't free themselves from beneath its dead weight. An orange paw slashed toward her, missing Padme's arm by mere inches before she turned and shot it down. Another came at her right away.
"She's right!" Bail grunted, shooting frantically into the crowd of savage creatures and tipping his head toward their leader. "This is too much!"
"Shit! I'm out of bullets!" Dorme yelped from somewhere to the left, "I've got my knives but there's no way I can get close enough!"
Padme's eleventh kill fell with an inelegant thud and she reached for the spare, third gun she kept strapped to her leg, pulling it free of its holster to toss to her friend. It was just a second, only a moment of distraction but that diversion was all a beast needed to pounce from behind.
Rush screamed.
Obi-wan cried her name.
Whatever Sabe and Dorme did, Padme didn't hear as the creature threw her to the ground with all its might. Her head hit the sidewalk hard, bouncing off the concrete and momentarily blinding her vision. Her mind spun and swam and her stomach stirred with the pain. She wanted to be sick suddenly but the survival instinct kicked in faster. Somehow, it pushed her to fight through the pain and the foggy, unfocused world her knocked vision took in and turn her body around, to fight and win and live!
She'd dropped her guns in the surprise of the fall… They couldn't be far! Her hands fumbled, reaching for one of her weapons as her friends screamed somewhere behind the beast. Gunshots rang furiously and yellow blood dripped off the red, knife-teethed, six-eyed thing hovering above her. The wounds didn't faze it. It was a blur of colour and fear to the injured woman. The tips of her fingers grazed the edge of one of her guns… so close… just a little more!
Suddenly, the monster reared back with an ear-piercing shriek that made her cringe as her trembling fingers finally wrapped around her weapon. The world spun all around her as nausea and pain grew and grew. She lifted the gun, though it felt like the heaviest weight in the world, when the beast came down suddenly, drawing six claws, longer than the most blades she'd seen, and drove them, razor-sharp, deeply into the lower parts of Padme's stomach.
The shock was greater than the pain – which was immense. It was the worst thing she'd ever felt. She couldn't even scream though she wanted to. Her gun clattered to the ground as her attacker's head cracked open above her as a shower of bullets tore open its flesh and bones until it fell lifelessly to the ground beside her, dragging its claes free of her flesh.
Blood poured from her quivering belly. Tears pooled in her eyes and spilled as the frantic faces of Dorme and Obi-wan appeared above her. She couldn't hear them… The combined agony from her head and stomach was unlike anything she'd ever felt – no injury she'd ever known compared.
Someone touched her face, she felt it, but the people above her became so hazy that Padme couldn't make out who she saw anymore. Another tear fell from the corner of her eye and down to the concrete beneath her. So this is what dying felt like… Her head lulled, falling weakly to the side where her mother and father stood beyond the pile of beast corpses. They smiled, throwing their arms open to finally, finally, welcome her back to them. Sola, Ryoo and Pooja waited to greet her with joyful smiles.
"…Do something!" Somebody screamed words she hardly made out.
"Please don't die," she was vaguely aware of a hand grasping hers, "please, Padme stay with us!" A woman's trembling voice prayed. "You have to stay with us!"
Her family were waiting for her, they were going to be together again at last… They were so close… Her eyes began to droop heavily as darkness crept into the edge of her vision.
I had a good life, she thought weakly, even this cruel world life can be beautiful.
As the darkness swallowed Padme Naberrie, her final thought was of a room in the sky and the memory of Anakin's embrace.
Kit's trembling legs carried him inside the doors of the hotel before giving out, sending him flying to the hard, marble floor with a pained cry. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god. Tears welled up in his eyes. He was a damned, stupid coward, standing there quivering while it happened! He was supposed to be her friend and he just watched it happen!
"Kit!" Someone called his name as he crumpled into a choked sob, collapsing in on himself as the horror of what he saw began to make sense. "Kit what's wrong?" Footsteps pattered heavily on the cold, hard floor as the med student curled into himself, shaking his head. "Hey! His body felt limp as someone grasped his forearms over the denim of his jacket and tugged him up into a sitting position.
When he was brave enough to open his eyes, the sight of Anakin staring at him, wide-eyed with worry was enough to send Kit into a shaking, wailing mess again. He had to tell him… How the hell was he supposed to tell him?
He thought of her face, her smile, her laugh, the devastation in her eyes as he left her behind by The Coruscant that day and fought back a scream of grief. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I should have talked him out of it! You would still be here if I talked him out of it!
"Kit! What the hell is going on?" Aphra stroked his arm, helping Anakin bear his weight as they struggled to keep him from collapsing back the marble below. "You're scaring me now! Come on, what's happened?"
"Anakin…" His mouth refused to form the words even though he had to. "I… I saw it…" His voice cracked, "I'm so sorry, man, I saw it!" Oh god, he could barely breathe. Everyone in the room watched him closely, afraid and curious and horrified all at once.
"Hey, hey, Kit!" His friend held him by the shoulders, deep concern shining in his wide eyes. "What did you see? What happened out there?"
"The Rebels got attacked," he managed to steady his breathing just enough to speak, "I – I was out there and saw it happen. They were outnumbered – it was some of the biggest beasts I ever saw."
The worry in Anakin's eyes morphed into violent fear the moment Kit mentioned the rival gang and it was no wonder. What man wouldn't feel the same hearing that about the group the woman he loved lived with? If he just kept her here it wouldn't have gone down this way! "What happened?" Skywalker snarled, his hands tightening painfully on Kit's shoulders. "Did someone get hurt?"
"It's Padme," his voice broke and he watched as Anakin shook his head in denial, releasing his shoulder and stumbling backwards to his feet as if putting distance between them would make it go away. I wish it would! Kit wanted to scream, I'd give anything to make it not real. "She got hurt – I watched it happen. I wanted to help them but I was scared! And then... and then one of those things stabbed her bad! There was so much blood… She wasn't moving, I – "
"No," Anakin shook his head, his face paling before Kit's eyes, "No!"
Aphra looked at him wide-eyed and maybe just a little guilty as she began putting the pieces together. "Oh, Princess…" She muttered to herself, covering her mouth with her hand.
Somehow, Kit found the strength to push the words out into the air. "Anakin, she's dead."