That night, sleep didn't come easy for Padme. She laid awake stared out the little window at the darkness which swallowed up the hospital's garden. She felt angry and powerless as Ahsoka and Barriss' revelation haunted her mind... Her stomach churned with disgust at what was happening. In the hours since the girls had left for the night, all the young woman had done was try and contact her friends in The Coruscant to tell then what was happening – to warn them to get out of the city but the phone line just wouldn't connect again.
Padme tossed and turned as the hours passed, staring out the window, at the ceiling and the curtain separating her and Rex's beds. It was only when the first hints of dawn burst into the sky that sleep, at last, found her. But there was no peace to be found in its embrace. After only an hour or two, she woke up writhing and shrieking at visions of her sister's dying wails, shaking and breathing in short, shuddering pants as her roommate hobbled across the small space between their beds to offer some comfort.
Rex eased himself onto the edge of Padme's bed, threw one heavy arm over her shoulders and whispered stories about his old life in New Zealand. Stories of the troubles he once dragged his straight-laced twin brother into until Padme's shaking finally began to calm. In the middle of the third story, a tale of sneaking out to attend a beach party their parents had forbidden their sons attending, she finally learned the name of the man whose picture she'd stared at for so long. Cody.
Padme returned her friend's support as best she could as the nights passed, when he woke up in a frightened state, sweating and crying out at the phantom pains coursing through his body like a monster was right there, still tearing at his flesh. They comforted each other in the darkness and spoke nothing of it in the light. A secret routine they kept just to themselves.
Three days later, she finally felt strong and steady enough to take a stroll outside with Ahsoka, Barriss and Rex – the sun was warm through the clouds and the fresh smell of flowers was sweet in the air. A welcome change from the cold, somehow still smoggy air of the city. Doctor Bryan had been making noises about discharging Padme yesterday, he said she was ready to take care of herself now. In the old days, her recovery would have been a week but without the proper drugs, he'd held her in longer than necessary to prevent infections. The thought of her freedom both excited and terrified the young woman at once. She wanted to get out of the hospital grounds but she couldn't go back to how things were… She just couldn't.
Especially now she knew what was happening in the city.
The little group made a full lap of the garden before Padme's thoughts became too turbulent and her stomach began to coil in anxiety over what Barriss had told them. She felt ill knowing her friends – Rebel and Imperial – were in the city completely clueless about the beasts being drawn their way. Suddenly, guilt pulled too heavily at her to ignore any further. Something inside her head hissed that the phone lines could be working and she was outside wasting time. It had a point.
Excusing herself from the group, she hurried back to her and Rex's shared room and picked up the phone to dial. The usual rejection beeping tone signalled another failure and she slumped in her seat. They had to know what was going on! Who knew when Padme would be able to get back into the city to tell them herself? How much longer were they going to survive with so many beasts being lured their way?
"Hey…" A voice came from the door and she turned to see Ahsoka lingering with a shy smile. "Are you okay? You don't really seem like yourself?"
The girl had styled her hair differently today – well, slightly, her tight curls were still twisted expertly into their usual braids but were now adorned with decorative beads and tiny silver hoops. It was very pretty, the kind of accessorising Padme used to see in the old world. Between that and the highly stylised outfit of a tight-fitting red cropped vest and dark pants, someone could be fooled into believing Ahsoka was making a special effort today. She wondered if Barriss had noticed…
"Oh, I'm fine, Ahsoka – really. I just thought I should keep trying to reach Obi-wan and the others… But you should go back downstairs with Barriss and Rex." She waved the girl off nonchalantly, crossing one grey sweatpant covered leg over the other. "I mean it, I'll be fine up here. Go have some fun."
Instead of leaving, the girl came further into the room, those big, bright eyes of hers soft and kinder than any Padme had seen in a long time. "Those two will be fine without me, I'm sure they'll find something to talk about. It'll probably do their social skills some good, actually. I can stay if you need some company?"
She couldn't help but laugh imagining poor Rex and Barriss trying to find common ground without Ahsoka around. "I think she'll miss you." Padme smiled teasingly, "the only time I ever see Barriss smile is when you're around, y'know."
That made a quick, fleeting, light dance in Ahsoka's eyes and she grinned, big, wide and elated before she could stop herself. "Do – does she? I've never noticed…"
"She does," Padme got out of her chair, abandoning her post by the phone to take the younger girl's shoulders in her hand. She wished she knew exactly how Ahsoka was feeling, the sweet, tender first flushes of love. The innocence of it… Her relationship with Anakin was a lot of things but it was never like that. In a way, she almost envied the girl's gentle experience of falling. "You two light up around each other, Ahsoka, I mean it. I love watching you two together because in this world – in any world – that's a good thing… You're very lucky to have found that."
Ahsoka laughed and looked away, wincing at her own girlish awkwardness and moved to sit on Rex's empty bed while Padme dragged the chair across the room to sit with her. The sweet giddiness in the air made her feel something close to a real girl again, just like she used to be in school and college, joking around with a friend, talking about crushes, thinking about anything but violence, monsters and heartbreak for the first time in what felt like years. It was a wonderful feeling.
"It's not… She's not…" Ahsoka stammered before falling quiet, peering timidly at Padme from beneath her lashes.
She took the hint with a small laugh. "I like Barriss. She's been very kind to Rex and I while we've been here. I think you two will be good together."
"She likes you too," the girl nodded, "surviving everything you have makes you strong. Barriss likes strong people… She's been through a lot so… her liking you is a big deal."
Padme thought of the girl's scars and the anger in her eyes. She didn't want to imagine what hell Barriss had survived to get them, she was far too young to have known the kind of suffering this life had handed to her so ruthlessly. "I'm willing to bet she likes you a whole lot more. In fact, Rex and I have a very similar kind of bet going."
"Wait," Ahsoka laughed, "are you trying to play some kind of apocalyptic matchmaker here? Because I think we've got bigger things to think about right now!"
"Oh come on, Ahsoka!" Padme laughed, reaching for an old sports magazine at the foot of Rex's unkempt bed and tossing it at the girl playfully. It landed with a smack against her shoulder. "Indulge me a little! Please?"
She laughed again, obviously enjoying the attention and topic just a little and began fiddling with the end of one of her braids, twisting it around her finger. Padme watched her with a smile, fondness warming her heart as Ahsoka's cheeks darkened rosily. It was so, so sweet – and the most fun she'd had in a while. "Well, I – "
The door flew open so suddenly that both girls jolted in surprise and Ahsoka reached automatically for the small handgun resting on the holster around her waist. The silver door handle collided with the wall in a blunt crash that left a dent. Both Padme and Ahsoka watched the invader with eyes wide in shock.
Anakin Skywalker stood in the doorway in his usual black coat, his eyes wild and frenzied as they settled first on Ahsoka who slowly lowered her gun and then on Padme who slowly rose to her feet, leaning on the chair for support because her legs shook too much to trust. He found her eyes, his gaze smouldering, caught somewhere between joy, anguish and fire, and in a few quick strides the Imperial leader crossed the room and enveloped Padme into his embrace.
She gasped at the quickness of it and then winced slightly as her stomach collided with his hard body, her wound was healing but still slightly tender in areas, but Anakin's familiar intoxicating scent filled her lungs and drowned out any physical ache. It felt almost dreamlike – completely unreal – to have her former lover suddenly storm into the room and throw his arms around her… Like a ghost of her past acting out a fantasy. Months ago, this was all she wanted in the world, she'd dreamed of it and wanted it with every fibre of her being. Now, she felt… strange. She felt relieved to see him again but it all felt so distant.
His hands caressed Padme greedily, desperately, touching her shoulders, her back, her sides, her hair… As if to make sure she was really standing there and her image wasn't a mere trick of the light. As if to make sure he wasn't the one dreaming of this reunion. "You're alive… You're alive! Thank god, thank god, you're alive," he whispered beneath his breath over and over again until the door swung open once more.
The Imperial leader peeled himself away from her and turned to the figure hovering by the door, leaning on just one crutch now that his foot was healed enough to lean on a little more. Anakin looked at his friend, his lost friend, broken, crippled Rex with new scars and a string of teeth marks across his throat and took a deep breath. Both men looked at each other, something deeply and quietly affectionate in their eyes.
And then, they smiled. "What was I thinking…?" Anakin laughed, "I should have known you aren't that easy to kill."
"Damned idiot," Rex rolled his eyes, "as if I'd go down while there was still a creature or two to tussle with out there."
A low laugh tumbled from Anakin's mouth and he stepped toward his best friend, tentatively at first, as if he'd seen a ghost, before crossing the room and pulling the other man into his arms. The pair held each other and then smacked at each other's backs before parting again. Despite everything, their reunion brought the happiest of tears to Padme's eyes because she was truly overjoyed for Anakin. He had his best friend back. His confidant, his partner in crime.
"Jeez," the Imperial leader winced as he took in Rex's new scars, "it really took a bite out of you, didn't it?"
"Bastard had sharp teeth." The New Zealander chuckled.
"It made you prettier, actually," Anakin snickered and Rex spluttered his own laugh in return. The two men revelled in each other's presence again after so long apart and her heart was delighted by the sight. She knew how much they had missed each other… and they had a lot to catch up on. She was almost tempted to leave them to it but Padme had her own, long overdue, conversation with the Imperial leader to tackle first.
Ahsoka seemed to read this on her face and bounced off Rex's bed, making her way to the door to push the burly man backwards into the hallway outside. "I think we'll leave you guys to it… Just… don't throw anything at each other, okay?" She said, glancing between Anakin to Padme.
Rex, a true friend to both Anakin and Padme met her eyes over his shoulder and quirked an eyebrow questioningly, asking silent words she understood easily. Will you be okay? She nodded in response even as her stomach twisted nervously because whatever was about to happen, she knew that she would be alright. She learned to live her life without Anakin months ago, now, she needed some answers.
The door fell closed and the former couple stood in silence, watching each other carefully. He seemed to drink her in, as if struggling to believe she was really here, that she'd actually survived the attack and this wasn't a dream. "That's, uh…" he stammered, "Rex and Ahsoka are friends? That's new."
"It's not new," she shook her head. Every passing moment Padme was in his presence again, her relief faded more and more, morphing itself into a slow-burning fury. The last time they saw each other, he'd kissed her and then tactfully broken her heart piece by piece before shattering its remains beneath his boot as he rushed away. All this time, she'd tricked herself into believing that she had moved passed it, that her heart had healed but seeing him again shredded that delusion completely. This time, however, she wasn't a tearful mess of hurt, no, she was angry. She wanted answers.
"I don't know… I never noticed them talking before." He gave an awkward shrug, "Maybe it happened after she left?"
"Maybe you were too wrapped up in yourself to see anything going on around you?" Padme's voice was hard and ungiving. She felt herself glare bitterly at him, her blood heating further the more she thought about their last parting.
Anakin's expression shifted slightly, his eyebrows rising in surprise. After a second, he winced and then nodded, not meeting her eyes. "Yeah, I deserve that…"
"And more," she retorted at once, her anger rushing through and ready to pour out at last. "What the hell is wrong with you, Anakin? You threw me out of The Empire and send Kit to take me back to Obi-wan! You – you banned me from coming near you! Then you said all those cruel things and held a knife to my throat! Next thing I know you're rushing out of the city to come here – I can't keep up!"
"I know," he nodded, "I've been terrible to you, I know that and I'm sorry, Padme. I'm so sorry… I do love you – I just…"
"What? Anakin, what? Hm? Why did you send me away? Why would you be so horrible to me when we ran into each other if you love me?" The memory of their previous encounter stung and Padme could see him that day so clearly, so callous, so uncaring and then she saw Rush, above her, below her, inside her… it made the words die in her throat. She looked back at Anakin and wished now more than ever that she could read his mind. But all she saw in those eyes of his was a whirlwind, a chaotic turmoil that even she couldn't decipher.
"I made a mistake," he said after a moment, rubbing his hand shamefully over his face. "I – after you got hurt, I was so afraid… I started to think Obi-wan was right – that you weren't save being around me."
"Is that supposed to be an apology?" Padme shook her head, gripping onto the chair so hard her knuckles paled into an angry white glow. "Really?"
"Is that what you want?"
"Yes!" She cried out, louder than she meant to, "Yes, I do! You owe me a real apology, Anakin and more than one!"
"I'm sorry," he said immediately, fists clenched tightly by his sides. "I am so sorry, Padme… You don't… I don't even know how to… Look, I fucked up – I admit that. I was so afraid something would happen to you after Rex died – or didn't die… and then my beast hurt you and it changed everything. Nothing has ever scared me like that before because I always thought that I was the only one in the world who could keep you safe – it was my job, my purpose. And then, all of a sudden, I couldn't do it. I failed you. I – I wasn't good enough to keep you alive. If anything, I was going to be the one who got you killed. So I sent you away… I thought it was for the best. I'm so sorry."
It was written across every inch of his face, the regret, the devastating guilt… he looked absolutely miserable. Dark circles ringed his tired eyes, bruise-like, almost purple and far darker than they were the last time Padme saw him. Did he have trouble sleeping when he thought she was dead? Did she haunt him like Rex had? She wondered if he cried for her like he did for Rex.
And despite it all, her heart broke for him, it truly did. So tall and commanding and yet he looked like he was trying to disappear, like a pitiful, reprimanded child. His head had to be in pieces, his dead friend had been secretly alive this whole time. She was alive all this time… It had to have shaken him to his very core. It was so much for any one person to bear… but Padme shook her head, refusing to let her heart soften so easily. Too much had happened between them and though part of her longed to let it all go and forgive, she couldn't. Things would never be the same for them.
"It's not enough," her voice cracked and quivered as she fought back a fresh onslaught of tears brought upon by her realisation. "All I ever did was love you and you threw me out like I meant nothing to you!" Her words slowly became a shout, "You took charge of my whole life and I just – I just let you! I can't live like that anymore, Anakin. I can't!"
"What do I have to do?" He rushed to her, desperation glaring unmistakably in his eyes, stopping only when Padme backed away from him, shaking her head. "Padme… Padme, I'll do anything… Anything you want."
As she turned her back to him, looking up the ceiling to compose herself even as her entire body quaked in despair, she steeled herself. At this point, there was only one thing Padme needed from him.
"I want an explanation," she said, turning back to face him.
"For what?"
"Everything! Everything, Anakin! I want to know why you saved my life so many times before I came to the Empire, how you could go from basically blackmailing me to come with you, to loving me to throwing me out! How can go from being so cruel to me to rushing all the way out of the city because I called? I want you to explain it all to me. Now." He clenched his jaw at that, tearing his frantic gaze from hers to the doorway for a few seconds. He looked reluctant, very much so, but Padme was long past caring, she needed answers and if Anakin wanted to be more than a shadow of her past, he would give them to her.
He owed her that much at least.
An eternity seemed to pass as the Imperial leader gathered himself together. She heard him exhale shakily – as if he was bracing himself. And then his eyes came back to her, unflinching, hard and almost… defeated. "You have no idea," he said quietly, "no idea at all what you mean to me. What you've always meant."
"Then tell me," she said, "make me understand."
All of a sudden the hard and mighty leader of the Imperials looked so lost, so small that Padme hardly recognised him. He looked nothing like the man she knew and had loved so much. The turmoil inside his eyes though? She understood that, at least. She knew what it was to be adrift.
"I told you before how desperate I was for you in school…" Anakin lowered himself down onto the very edge of Rex's bed, as if all the exhaustion he'd been battling came down upon him at once. "Do you even remember what high school was like?"
Padme nodded as he sucked in another deep breath. She had a feeling all this would start there. Whatever it is he was about to tell her began in their school days, it had to, all the way back when he was the bully boy and she was the shy, nerdy girl.
"I was an idiot back then," he rested his elbows on his thighs and looked down at his scuffed boots, avoiding Padme's gaze. "You know I was – I think most boys are but I was… I took it too far. I used to bump into you in the hallways on purpose just so you'd look at me even if it was just to glare. I was desperate for any piece of your attention… I didn't really even know why then – I just did it."
Padme stayed quiet and listened as he talked. His confession wasn't a revelation, he'd told her as much before but she sensed there was more to come.
"I don't know if you ever knew this but I dropped out senior year. School just… it wasn't for me. That world wasn't for me – I was never any good at anything in it. But I didn't forget about you, not ever. Whenever I'd go anywhere for years, a store, for a walk, I used to hope that I'd run into you, even after you left home to go to your big-shot college… I thought maybe if we saw each other then I could talk to you and that maybe I'd make you smile. I felt like if I could just get you to smile at me once then I'd be a king. Then maybe I could change your mind about me."
His voice took on a deeper, almost nostalgic tone and Padme widened her eyes at him. What was she supposed to say to something like that? Last time he talked about this, it had just seemed like a schoolboy crush! She had no idea… She'd never known!
"When the world ended, you were the first thing I thought about," Anakin continued, his searing gaze returning to Padme's face for the first time since he started to talk. She saw the truth in his eyes and how heavy a burden it had been all this time. "I wondered where you were - if you were even alive. Most people I knew weren't but the idea that you might be dead out there – it killed me, Padme, it killed me! Don't you see? You are in my very soul! I could never escape you even if I'd wanted to!"
"Anakin…" No further words came to her – how could they? She felt utterly torn between feeling moved, overwhelmed and completely devastated on his behalf. "I… I don't even…"
"It's what kept me alive sometimes," the Imperial leader confessed but his eyes weren't on her anymore. He looked out to the little window that so often held Padme's attention instead. "The idea that you were out there somewhere. I told myself that I needed to stay alive because you might need me. If you were still out there, still breathing, then I had to keep going. I didn't have a right to die if you were going to need me someday. So, I got people to follow me – Ahsoka was one of the first, actually. I made them help me. First, I wanted one of those safe houses – the ones from TV, remember? But that didn't work out. So, I made my people help me take The Empire…"
Anakin stood up then, eyes blazing as they bore into hers. "And I did it for you. To protect you. I knew that when I found you again, I'd have to keep you safe and you deserved the best I could possibly give you. If it hadn't been for you, Padme… then I'd probably have died on the street as some nobody. But the thought of you made me fight, it made me kill my way to the top – to become the leader of the Imperials so that one day, one day I could give you this world."
Padme couldn't help but let the tears in her eyes spill down onto her cheeks. She wiped them away quickly on the scratchy sleeve of her sweatshirt, blinking fresh ones away as she looked at him, at his man who said the mere thought of her was sufficient to pull him through the darkness of the end of the world. How was it possible? In all that time, Anakin hadn't even passed through her mind – not once – but he'd spent his days obsessing over the idea that she might be alive.
"What happened to you?" She hissed, thinking of the bully boy, the neighbour's son… Padme used to see him tinkering with his mother's car all the time, he'd gotten caught peaking over her old fence once when her friends came over to use the pool – he was a regular teenage boy with a slightly over the top crush! How had that turned into this? "You – you were just a boy the last time I saw you! You were normal!"
Anakin fell quiet for a moment after that, considering Padme's question carefully before he answered. "I grew up," he said at last, so bitterly, so harshly, as if he never meant to grow up at all, like life had played a cruel trick by forcing manhood onto him. "I… I'm not good at this," he spat, "I never have been."
"Good at what?"
"Love…"
"It's not about been good at it – I…" She shook her head, exasperated, "It's about feeling it, Anakin! That's what matters."
"I've never been very good at that part either," gave a small, uneasy smile, "I either feel too much or nothing at all. It's like there's nothing in between. It's always been that way."
Despite herself, Padme let out a little laugh – cruel as it was – and shook her head. "Newsflash, Anakin – everyone can be like that! Everyone struggles! Everyone suffers from their feelings – not just you!"
"I know," he nodded, voice quiet and sincere. Remorse shone in his eyes as he looked at her and her heart ached to see it. "I know you've suffered because of me."
"I have," Padme held her head high despite how badly she wanted to crumble, despite how her vision was blurred and her heart wept. The Anakin and Padme in this room were so different from the people who lived together in The Empire, who had loved each other so freely and easily once… Her life with him felt like years ago. How did they tear so far apart? "But I'm not the only one. Everyone had to grow up and change when the world ended. Everyone wishes they could go back."
Then it was Anakin's turn to laugh, quick, harsh and completely humourless. His full lips twisted into a pained, ugly smirk… his eyes were cruel again, resentful and hateful as her words seemed to make him seethe.
"See?" He gestured between them, "There's the difference between you and me. The void neither of us could ever get across no matter how we tried."
"What do you mean?"
"You wish the world hadn't ended. You wish you could go back to how it used to be." Anakin rubbed his exhausted eyes, as if merely existing took a toll on him these days.
"Of course I do," she frowned, "Everyone does!"
They existed in a hell unlike anything anyone could have ever imagined before the world fell – who would want to live here? To live the way they did, running and hiding and killing until their lives became one chaotic mess of death and suffering? Padme closed her eyes every night and secretly prayed to wake up from this nightmare in her old bed, in her old life without having ever seen a beast.
"Not everyone," he shook his head, "I don't. I would never go back to how it was." Her eyes widened in slight horror and Anakin stared right back without regret, truly meaning what he said. He didn't spare her from his thoughts, not this time. Padme asked for the truth and at last, he was giving it to her. "That world you miss so much? That beautiful, perfect world full of happiness and fairness you long for? I don't miss it. I don't want it. I never had a place in it and I don't want it back. I was worthless, Padme – a boy who didn't want to grow up, a kid with no education, no future, no prospects and everyone knew it. Hell, even my mom knew it. But when the world ended, I found my purpose while everyone else lost theirs. Turns out the only thing I'm good at is killing."
She was shaking her head before she even realised what was happening. "No… That's… That's not true, Anakin, that's not all you're good at."
"Yes it is," he answered calmly, "kill or be killed, that's the world we live in now. I never stopped trying to keep you alive, I looked for you everywhere but every time I found you, you got away. I sent people out to watch over you to earn their place in The Empire. For so long, I thought I was doing it out of love…" His hand ran through his already mused hair, pushing his sandy curls out of his face as he shook his head, "but it wasn't. I can see that now. I did it out of greed. Because I wanted you alive. I wanted to be the only one in the world who could keep you safe. When I found out you were with the Rebels, it drove me mad! I didn't think Kenobi would do enough to keep you alive… That's why I threatened them with my beast until you came to The Empire with me."
She wished, god she wished, that this came as a surprise. She wished this news shocked her to her core and shook her heart's unending longing for him… but it didn't. Instead of shock, Padme felt relieved, overwhelmingly, breathtakingly relieved! It finally made sense! Everything clicked into place. Why he was so obsessed with her coming to The Empire only to leave her alone. Why she of all people managed to survive so long on the streets when so many others died.
Suddenly, she thought of Aphra and her scars and felt her heart sink. All this… everything done was for her? How could one person ever be worth such an effort? Turning away from him again, Padme felt her face crumble and she let out a low cry as the tears came all over again. "How is this possible?" She sniffled, "We barely even talked! I didn't think about you for years and all this time…" She threw her hands over her mouth as her body began to quake all over again. "I know you think you love me, but this isn't – "
"Do you?" His voice came out even rougher than before, quivering and trembling with the fierce savagery that seemed to always possess his tortured soul. "I don't think you do… All this time, you are my every thought! My life, my heart, whatever kind of soul I have – it belongs to you."
"You're with someone else!" Padme reeled around with a shout, "You chose someone else!"
"I didn't! I would never!"
"You did!" Her voice rose into something close to a shriek. She hoped there were no patients in the rooms next door. "You told me! You said you were with Aphra – you said she was better than me!" Padme drew closer and closer with every word until he was within reach to shove hard at his chest, making him stumble backwards. "So why are you here? What about your new girlfriend, Anakin?"
"I was lying!" He roared, grasping at her wrists as Padme made to push him again, "I'm sorry – look – hey! I – I was trying to push you away. I needed you to hate me to keep myself away from you… I'm sorry… Padme, I'm sorry!"
She froze, stiffening for a moment as the truth of his words registered. It was a lie… Everything he said was a lie… All the pain his bruising words comparing her to Aphra were nothing but lies. He made it up! He just made it up to hurt me… Padme watched Anakin open his mouth to speak again and shook her head. Anger burst forth inside her belly, up, and up and up until her breath shallowed into short, furious pants and her vision bled red.
Her wrist wrenched free of his hold and swung up, hard and fast, to smack against the Imperial leader's cheek so powerfully that her own flesh stung. "What's wrong with you?!" She roared, ignoring the throbbing in her fingers. That lie destroyed her! Her life was nothing but heartbreak and crying for months because of him and it was just… It wasn't even true? She drank herself silly! She slept with another man just to dull the pain! How could he? How could he? How could he?
"I'm sorry!" Anakin hissed as he touched his reddened cheek, "Padme, my love, I'm so, so sorry… I wasn't thinking! I was out of my mind – "
"Oh god," she almost wailed as she laid her palm over her chest, trying to breathe deeply enough to calm her thundering heart as she turned her back on him yet again. "You really are a monster!"
"I know, I know I am!" Anakin's desperate voice came from behind her, "I'm doing all I can to survive. To make sure that we win not them… Look, I told you that I'd be monster enough for both of us and I meant it. I've been breeding the beasts so we can use them against the others. I've hurt people – I've killed people. Hell, I've done things I couldn't tell you about when we were together because you would never look at me again if I did. That's why I sent you away – I thought it would be better. But they couldn't keep you safe, those fucking Rebels, they let you get hurt! You almost died on their watch!"
"It wasn't their fault, Anakin!" Padme turned back to him, "People get hurt every day out there!"
"I don't care!" He snapped and then laughed bitterly, "Do you know what Obi-wan told me when I asked where you were? He told me I didn't deserve to know. He said I don't deserve you and I wanted to tear out his throat with my bare hands for it! But not just because he said it…" Seeing his face collapse in grief for a moment pulled at her heart even now, "it was because he's right. He wasright and I can't stand it."
Padme stood frozen on the spot, bound in place by his burning glare. The turmoil beneath his rising voice betrayed the depth of the outrage and remorse at his own actions.
"I'm happy the world ended," Anakin lashed out viciously, "I'm glad there are monsters, Padme. They turned the world around and twisted everything – even you. Even you! The boy I was didn't deserve you. He was never good enough and would never be. Hell, even I know the man I am now doesn't deserve you because I don't. I don't deserve you… but this world broke you enough to make you believe that I could."
As soon as the raging, passionate words left his mouth, he exhaled sharply and all his agitation seemed to die down at once, like he was drained from finally letting it all out. He shuddered, shutting his eyes and returning to sit down on Rex's bed. Padme watched him, her emotions tearing at her heart, filling her chest and twisting her stomach into painful knots. Part of her hated him right now. Part of her wanted to go to him like none of this had ever happened.
She closed her eyes tight and tried to compose herself.
Once, Anakin Skywalker was just a mean schoolboy she disliked. Now, Anakin Skywalker was the savage, human man she fell in love with despite all the odds. It was like two worlds colliding, seeping into each other and Padme couldn't tell what was real anymore. Her nerves were shredded. Her mind was exhausted. She wrapped her arms around herself and just tried to breathe.
It was true, what he said, this world did break her. The old Padme Naberrie wouldn't have blood on her hands and she wouldn't ever have looked at someone who did without horror and disgust. But that was then… this was now.
"I do wish the world didn't die," she said, at last, several silent minutes later. Her heart constricted in her chest so painfully that she winced as she spoke. "I wish my family was still alive. I wish people didn't die every day. And yes, that makes us different but you're wrong, Anakin, you think who you would have been without the chaos and the beasts wouldn't have had a chance with me… And you know what? Maybe you're right! Maybe I wouldn't have given you the time of day if we did run into each other somewhere down the line."
At that, he winced a little and nodded just slightly, completely avoiding Padme's wounded gaze.
"But you don't know that? Maybe I would have run into you at a party or in a coffee shop or through a mutual friend, I don't know… Maybe you would have said something and I would have smiled and we would have fallen in love. Maybe we wouldn't have. Maybe you would have moved on. We don't know and we never will – because this is the world we live in now and we have to take it as it is." She hated the admission, hated that it was a truth she ultimately had to accept but finally, Padme let go of the small, flickering hope in her heart that the old world would come back one day. This was her life... now she had to change it for the better.
When Anakin looked at her again, the skin of his throat trembling above all the words he couldn't say, she finally realised something about him that had never occurred to her before. He was a dreamer. The kind of soul who wished upon the bright, shining stars at night, or at least he used to. He was a boy who dreamed of a girl to love and a world in which he would be a hero and fate had handed him just what he wanted, only in the most twisted manner. Now, he was left with pieces of shattered fantasies he didn't know what to make of.
And Padme? A long time ago, she thought of herself as a dreamer too, an idealist, a star-gazer… but deep down, she'd always known the truth about herself. She was a pragmatic realist for the most part. Forever set in her ways. And now, she had to be realistic and logical to guide them through this mess they'd found themselves in.
"I love you, Anakin," she looked into those eyes of his, "I've never loved anyone but you, but this isn't…" The words didn't come, so she rubbed her hand over her aching forehead and sighed. "Look, people don't get what they deserve in this world. My family didn't deserve to die but they did. Rex didn't deserve to lose his brother and get hurt, but he did. Obi-wan didn't deserve to be mauled by your pet but he did, Anakin. You make our own luck, that's the truth… and I want to be in control of mine."
"What do you mean?" He asked quietly.
"I don't want you to protect me anymore," she said, nodding to herself. "I want to live my own life from now on. On my own. At least for the foreseeable. I need to make my own choices and decisions and right now I'm choosing to be alone… I'm sorry." When he tried to speak, panic and heartbreak so painfully clear in his eyes, Padme shook her head, not trusting herself to not give in and follow her heart as it howled for her to return to him. "Look, you were honest with me so I should do the same. There's something I need to tell you."
Her heart thudded nervously in her chest at the mere thought of telling Anakin about Rush and what happened between them even though she didn't have to do it, They weren't together when it happened and they weren't together now. It wasn't any of his business what she did anymore.
But he'd come here and been so truthful with her… Didn't Padme owe him the same in return?
"What is it?" He asked though his face was utterly shattered by her intentions to remain parted from him, she could see the utter despair lingering in his eyes.
Her lips were dry and her stomach rolled apprehensively. "I had sex with someone else."