Her face found a way to grow redder and paler at the same time as she talked. Anakin didn't hear her, honestly. His ears were still ringing in a shrill, white noise of death after hearing Padme say she couldn't be with him again… that this time he'd really done it – he had driven her away for good. Bleeding his soul dry to her had scared her away forever. Who could blame her – who wanted to be shackled to a beast like him for the rest of their lives? He lied to her, hurt her and pushed her away… it was no wonder she wanted –
Wait.
She said a name with a wince and the Imperial Leader's attention snapped back to the angel of his life once more. Rush. Why was she talking about Rush right now? What did that snivelling, useless, banker-boy have to do with anything?
She said… Anakin watched her lips move and felt his face slacken.
He frowned. Felt his stomach drop. Padme… His Padme and – and Rush… What? The ringing in his ears grew louder, screaming in terror and denial now as words like lonely and drunk and angry fell from her mouth. Anakin couldn't look at her suddenly, tearing his eyes away to look down at the bleak hospital floor as a ragged breath fled his throat. She… She… She did that. With another man. With Palpatine's boy… Because Anakin lied to her about Aphra, because Anakin pushed her away to keep her safe… but all he'd really done was drive her into the arms of… of him.
Something inside of him, the beast, the leader, the man he'd been for so long roared. He raged, stormed, wanted to kick and throw every single thing in the room and then speed back to the city just to glide the hilt of his blade across Rush Clovis' throat and watch it weep red. He took what's mine, it roared savagely, I'll kill him! Anakin watched his hands shake as his stomach curled in fury and disgust.
The image grew clear in his mind all of a sudden… Padme, his Padme, his love and light… and Clovis… He saw the other man writhing on top of her, her making those little gasping sounds she made right before –
His fingers twitched for his gun, his knife, anything he could use to make the light in Clovis' eyes fade out.
But he couldn't – as badly as he wanted to – he couldn't because Padme would never forgive him. Because, as much as it tore at him to admit… it was all his fault. The beast inside him roared against it but he knew that it was true. He pushed her away… He told her he was with Aphra – fuck, what had he been thinking? Now his angel had been with another man…
"Are you…" his voice croaked dryly, afraid to hear the answer, "are you with him?"
"No," she said right away with a shake of her head, "I'm not."
It was what he wanted to hear and yet she would have been better just punching him in the gut over and over again… It would have hurt less. Probably. Still, Anakin felt so angry. It shook him. Almost frightened him how the fire of rage burned in his belly, rampaging to get out and have its revenge.
"Wait… wait, wait," his mind finally began to register everything she said, "you were drunk – was he?"
Somehow, he willed his eyes up and forward to meet hers again. All Anakin saw was her tangled around the bed with Clovis, throwing back her head, gasping his name –
"That's… It's none of your business, Anakin," Padme avoided his eye, crossing her arms over her chest defensively, "I only told you about it as a courtesy."
"Was he drunk?" His voice got louder, the beast's growl filling the three words with such anger that even he flinched. "Did he take advantage of you, is that it?" The Imperial leader all but threw himself off Rex's bed as the vile images in his head took on a new, far more disgusting form before him. "Tell me, Padme!"
"Of course he didn't!" She yelled, shoving at the chair angrily, glaring up at Anakin with absolute disbelief in her watery eyes, "How could you even think such a thing! I went to him, okay? I wanted it because you broke my heart! I wanted to feel better!"
He had tortured people and given them less pain than this.
It was one thing to think of that bastard taking a shot and making a move on her but Padme going to Clovis? Asking him for it? Letting him have her? Anakin wanted to take the chair that stood between them and hurl it out of the window!
And he didn't have a damn leg to stand on! He knew it. She knew it! But that wasn't enough to quiet the fury pounding through his blood. It wasn't easy to hold it all back, it almost spilled out of him to light this whole hospital on fire but he willed it back with every ounce of self-control he possessed.
Holding Padme against that wall, his blade against her throat… Seeing that kind of fear and resignation in her eyes once was enough for a thousand lifetimes. He would never scare her like that again, he swore it with his life!
Still, being angry and hurt had always made Anakin spiteful.
"You went to him to make you feel better?" Viciousness tainted his glare. "Personally, I would have gone out and found a beast to fuck… It would probably be better at it."
"What is wrong with you?" She shook her head again, the raging hurt in her large, doe-eyes melted into fierce anger instead and Anakin felt his stomach clench. "Why do you have to be so awful to everyone all the time? Hm? Are you jealous, is that it? Are you mad that I've been with someone else now? Are you just sad that Rush took something you think belongs to you?" There was a new depth to her voice now, a raw, dangerous edge. "Or are you afraid that one night with him outdid any memory I have of you?"
"You expect me to believe he was better for you?" Anakin snarled, caught somewhere between derision and utter disdain. Bad enough she told him what happened but now she wanted to rub it in his face? If she were anyone else – he didn't dare finish the thought. Maybe this was how she felt? Something whispered in his mind, maybe this is how your lies made her feel?
"Oh, he really knew what he was doing." The false smugness screamed of lies but rationality went out the window some time ago for him. All Anakin saw now was Rush Clovis' pompous, privileged face smiling at the knowledge that he'd won. He took the love of Anakin's life from him and he deserved it! Padme always would have ended up with a guy just like that anyway - in either world. Rich, smart, from a good family… Some things couldn't be changed…
His inner beast howled through the fury and grief it had no right to feel. And yet those words, those damn words from her lips… They killed him. She could have thrust a knife right through his heart and it would have been less painful. Anakin's head spun. He was the one who ended things between them because he was an idiot and so afraid of losing her that he'd made sure that it happened. He lied to keep her away from him. He used Aphra's name even though she was… It didn't matter, it really didn't.
They were over. Maybe if things had been different – if Anakin had been different – then there would still be hope, there could be a chance… but he'd killed them. And, difficult as it was to admit, she could be with others. So could he. Only the very thought sickened him. Anakin Skywalker's life had been lived in devotion to one woman and no matter what came of them, nothing would change that.
But that didn't mean he had to like it right now.
"You always were protective of him and the others… I should have known you'd run to him eventually," he rolled his eyes, remembering the way Clovis had stood so protectively in front of her in that parking lot all that time ago, when he'd brought the Imperials against the Rebels. The way Padme had looked at him so shamefully when Anakin told everyone what was happening between them – as if Clovis knowing actually hurt her. He remembered it and his thoughts began to spiral. Maybe she'd liked him before coming to The Empire? Maybe she had feelings for him before Anakin came along?
She scoffed at him indignantly, shaking her head. "Really? What? Are you afraid I wanted him before I fell for you? Are you worried that I was imagining Rush while I fucked you?" Her hands gripped the chair so harshly that her knuckles glowed a bright, warning white. "Do you want me to tell you everything I did with him, hmm? Things I never did with you…"
"Shut the fuck up!" He growled dangerously, eyes flashing with heat and rage. Padme Naberrie always knew exactly how to wind him up. She stoked the flames of his anger like no other could ever hope to and she did it easily. He could feel himself coming apart beneath her hissed words.
"No! No, I won't shut up!" Padme cried, "I used to lay awake every night and imagine you with her!" She began to cry all over again,"after what you said, thoughts like that would torture me, Anakin! I want you to know how it feels now – I want you to imagine him between my legs, giving me the best – "
Something fled his mouth. A loud, angry, bestial sound – raw and beyond primitive. Something that came out of the jaws of monsters, not people. It came all the way from the very roots of his soul which she just tore clean open in one feral strike. He turned his body away from her, a mere breath away from giving into his base instincts to throw her down on that hospital bed, tear her clothes off and remind her exactly who was the best man in her life.
He couldn't – he couldn't. Padme had been hurt, she almost died! Getting thrown around was the last thing her body needed now – but fuck, was it difficult to control himself, to see through the red haze of fury enough to pull a single, calming breath into his lungs. It had to be done.
She didn't want him – she made it clear she didn't want him anymore and he swore he would never frighten her again. He needed to get a damn grip!
"Enough," he panted, rubbing his hands over his face, "Padme… just… Enough."
Silence fell between them and Anakin could hear her shuddering little breaths. She was crying. He was tempted to collapse on Rex's bed and do the same. He felt boneless and exhausted and completely drained. It had all been so much for so long – deaths and non-deaths, loss and reunions… How much more was he supposed to take?
"Anakin – " he heard the beginnings of regret in her voice but shook his head to stop her going any further. What was the point in regretting it now? Padme always was too kind for her own good. She probably thought she'd gone too far, that she told too much of the truth and felt guilty about it. Why should she? Someone like Rush Clovis was a better match for her, even if they weren't together now they probably would be eventually. He was more classically handsome than Anakin, he looked put together, he was probably book smart, a good education under his belt… He was definitely from a richer and more powerful family than Anakin. He wasn't a killer. He was soft and gentle and untarnished. What sane woman wouldn't see Rush Clovis as an upgrade?
"I have to go," his voice sounded broken even to his own ears but he couldn't face her. He was too much of a coward to turn his head and look at the woman he loved even as he heard her shatter behind him.
"Ani, I'm sorry… That was all too far – I was just upset – "
Anakin didn't hear another word she said, he couldn't bear to, his heart thundered in his chest as he stormed from the room without one glance at the crying woman behind him.
The days passed slowly, three of them. Padme didn't see Anakin again after their fight and her heart grew heavier with guilt the longer this went on. The things she said… She didn't know what had come over her… It was so cruel and awful – it was everything he had done to her. She wasn't that person, she had never been the type to try and hurt someone before.
But Anakin had been so horrid about Rush and his spite fuelled her own. In the heat of those awful moments between them, she had wanted to see the same hurt he inflicted upon her in his eyes, just so he knew how it felt. The moment the words had left her lips and she saw what they did to him… Her heart ached just thinking about it. In all the time she had known him, Padme had never seen the Imperial Leader back away from a fight, much less retreat wordlessly. She'd hurt him. Really, really hurt him.
She had to apologise, of course, she did, but she had no idea where he was. Anakin hadn't come by her and Rex's room since it happened and neither Ahsoka or Barriss had revealed where he was. For all Padme knew, he could have returned to the city without her. Maybe Rex and the girls had told him all about the planes already and he had rushed back to warn everyone before it was too late?
Or maybe he was sulking and licking at his wounds?
On the night of the fourth day without hearing anything from the Imperial Leader, Padme had settled down into bed in her empty room when the phone rang out in a shrill, squeaking, screech. She looked around the room frantically but Rex wasn't there. He hadn't been around much lately.
Confused, she slid out of bed and hurried to the phone and brought it with a shaking hand to her ear. Who could be calling the hospital at this time of night? Who knew the phone lines still had a chance of connecting?
The line clicked and Padme heard ragged breathing on the other line. "Hello?" She called out quietly, "is someone there?"
"Padme?" Obi-wan's voice filled her ear, "is that you?"
A sudden burst of relief and warmth flooded the young woman at the sound of the Rebel leader's voice. It was Obi-wan! Her friend! He was calling after her after hearing from Bail most likely! She couldn't believe it – she had been trying to reach them for so long and now she had a chance to warn him about what was happening! "Yes! Yes! Obi-wan, I need to talk to you!"
The Rebel leader gave her no chance to speak. "Is he there with you?" He growled and she heard it, the anger, the fury laced through his words. Immediately, Padme knew exactly who he was talking about and it made her stomach drop.
"What's going on?" Her palm began to sweat against the handle of the phone, "Obi-wan, has something happened back there?"
"So he is there then?" The Rebel leader breathed, bitterness seeping through his tone. "Of course, he is – I don't know why I'm surprised… the selfish bastard."
"Hey! What's happened? Talk to me!"
"Tell me, have you fucked him yet?"
Padme's breath hitched and her eyes widened at her friend's harsh words. Obi-wan had never talked to her like that before! He was always so proper and polite even when he was angry! His biting, accusing words twisted something deep in her stomach, something that tasted like anger.
"Excuse me?" She said, her fingers trembling around the phone, "how dare you – "
"You know what? I truly hope that you have. I hope that he enjoyed it too," the auburn-haired man spit down the phone, "because when I get my hands on him, I'm going to cut his cock off and feed it to his little pet before I shoot him between the eyes!"
The violence of the threat confirmed the dread which had begun to settle in her chest. Something was wrong back in the city – something terrible must have happened to rile Obi-wan up so much. She had seen him angry with Anakin in the past, furious and bitter but it had never been like this. The Rebel leader was enraged and absolutely lethal. It frightened Padme to the bone.
"What's happened?" She demanded, "You have to talk to me!"
"The Imperials!" He practically roared down the phone, "They burst in here with that damn beast of his!"
Padme felt herself freeze. For just a moment, her heart stilled in her chest and her blood slammed to a sudden, violent stop. The world around her froze in horror at what she just head. Her mouth and throat were dry as she choked out two simple, dreaded words yet again. "What happened?"
She heard Obi-wan's voice change as the rage was stripped from his words. It came out raw and alarmingly close to a wretched sob. Padme could almost see him standing there, hand over his mouth as he tried to compose himself. "They took him, Padme! The Imperials took Rush."