Sheppard was the first in the conference room for the after mission debrief. He sat at the end opposite the doors. His left elbow was propped on the chair arm, curled fingers resting lightly on his mouth. He was introspective and remained motionless as the others entered and settled into their chairs. Lorne arrived just behind Teyla and Ronon. The latter two sat where they could watch Sheppard, glancing at each other in concern when he barely acknowledged their entrance.

Elizabeth walked in and sat down, unaware of the events of the final minutes of the mission. McKay's arrival forestalled any questions she might have had regarding the tension in the room. The astrophysicist stopped just inside the door, staring at the Colonel. He pointedly took a chair as far from Sheppard as he could, barely taking his eyes from him.

Elizabeth looked around. Lorne appeared to be almost as much in the dark as herself. Sheppard still stared into nothingness. Teyla and Ronon studiously avoided her gaze. McKay continued to watch Sheppard with what appeared to be a mixture of disbelief and fear.

Elizabeth looked at the faces in the room, trying to get a reading from them. Before going to the infirmary for the mandatory check-up, Sheppard stopped just long enough to tell her that the mission had gone well enough. They were able to get almost all of the kidnapped people safely away from the Wraith and there were no casualties among their own people. He was able to give no further information, though. Two scientists visiting from Earth arriving for a meeting interrupted him. He escaped, grateful to be able to delay the details.

She grew concerned when she took in the mood around the table. "Okay, let's get started. Col. Sheppard already told me that you were able to get most of the captives safely away and back to their planets."

Teyla spoke first. "Yes, we believe only two were actually taken by the Wraith. It appears that they were…samples of the wares for the Wraith. We could not get close enough to save them."

Elizabeth looked around the table again. "What happened?"

Before anyone could stop him, McKay pointed at the Colonel. "He shot them!"

"What?" Elizabeth looked from McKay to Sheppard. "Shot who?"

"He killed them. I saw him. So did they." McKay now pointed at Teyla and Ronon. He saw her confusion. "He shot the boy and girl. The humans."

They all turned to Sheppard, who was watching McKay with a blank face. He nodded. "Yes, I shot them."

"Rodney, it was…" Teyla began.

"That's what you did to Col. Sumner, wasn't it?" McKay interrupted. He was pale and beginning to hyperventilate. "It was just so easy, wasn't it? Aim and pull the trigger. Just target practice. How can you be so cold about it?"

Elizabeth realized this has to stop. She would never get the truth if he continued to rant. "Rodney! Enough!"

"It's true, Elizabeth. I killed them." Sheppard spoke almost too quietly to hear. She studied his normally expressive face but it remained blank.

Even Lorne stared at his commanding officer. He'd heard about Sumner, but thought the story was just that, a story. He never quite believed Sheppard capable of such an act. The man was a pilot, for God's sake. They did everything from a bird's point of view. This was going to take some time to digest.

Teyla began. "Dr. Weir, there was no other way. The Wraith was feeding on the boy…"

"They were about five hundred yards away and I had the M40." Sheppard continued. "I couldn't get a shot on the Wraith. So, I killed the boy. Then, the Wraith grabbed the woman. He held her like a shield in front of his body and started to feed."

"It was the right thing to do." Ronon interjected. "It was either that or sit and watch them die an agonizing death."

Sheppard did not avert his gaze, and Elizabeth held it. There was almost no emotion in his eyes, and she couldn't identify what was there. She wanted to look away, to run out of the room, but remained steady.

"Rodney, you remember what the Wraith did to Dr. Abrams and Dr. Gaul, don't you? That is what was happening to those two young people. Would you wish that death on them?" Teyla reasoned, trying to make him understand.

"No." McKay almost whimpered. He sat back in his chair, but still stared at the Colonel.

Teyla looked around the table as she continued. "It was the most merciful thing anyone could have done in that situation."

Elizabeth finally broke the connection with Sheppard to look around the table again. The emotion here was too raw for everyone in the room. She knew there needed to be further discussion, but not now. "It's late. If you can think of anything else, please come and talk to me. Major, please let me have your written report as soon as possible. Thank you."

"Yes, Ma'am." Lorne nodded and headed for the door, which opened as he approached. He quickly left the room.

Teyla and Ronon took one long, last look at Sheppard then walked toward the door. Teyla stopped next to McKay, who exhaled heavily and followed her out. The doors closed behind them. Sheppard was staring at McKay's now empty chair and made no move to leave.

Elizabeth walked around the table to sit next to him. She knew killing Sumner had affected him deeply, as much as he made it a point not to show it. This was not going to be so easy to hide. Rodney's hysterics didn't help. She fervently hoped it would not cause an irreparable rift between them. Their relationship was too important to the success of their team, as well as the entire expedition.

"John…?"

"I'm fairly certain they were Wraith worshippers. The way they…" He tried to divert her.

"We can talk about that later." Her frown was one of concern, not anger. "Why didn't you say something earlier?"

"Sorry." Sheppard's eyes closed and shook his head before looking at her. "Elizabeth, you've seen what happens when the Wraith feed."

She swallowed hard at the memory of the Queen feeding on the Wraith who had undergone treatment with the retrovirus. "Yes, I remember."

"I couldn't walk away leave them." He looked away, but she saw the distress in his eyes.

"I want you to talk to Kate Heightmeyer."

He opened his mouth to protest then closed it again and nodded. It was the path of least resistance and he was too weary to argue.

"I'll stop by tomorrow."

"I'll be checking up on that." She raised an eyebrow at him. "And, you won't be going on any missions until she clears you."

He nodded. The quick submission worried her. She knew he wasn't afraid of talking to Kate, but she'd expected at least token resistance.

----------

"Colonel Sheppard." Kate Heightmeyer moved around her desk with a warm, welcoming smile to greet him. She waved at two comfortable chairs well away from the desk. A small side table nearby held a carafe and two mugs. "Please, come in and sit down. Would you like some coffee?"

Sheppard took a deep breath as the door closed behind him. He shook his head and smiled back as he crossed to the chairs, but she could see the expression did not quite reach his eyes like it normally did.

----------

"I am more concerned about Rodney than John." Kate watched Elizabeth's reaction to the statement as she sipped her tea.

Elizabeth sat on the same chair in Kate's office that John Sheppard had occupied. She thought for a moment before responding.

"It doesn't really surprise me. Rodney was extremely agitated when they returned from the mission and he really hasn't settled down yet. He seems to be almost obsessed by what happened."

"Yes, that is what concerns me. It is understandable that Rodney would have difficulty absorbing what he witnessed. But, as you are aware, he does tend to nurture his fears and phobias. It could get out of hand." Kate turned to set her cup on the low table.

"But he's seen a lot of things on missions." Elizabeth offered. "And, he even caused the destruction of an entire planetary system. You'd think by now, he wouldn't stay so worked up about anything."

"I know." Kate gave a wry grin. "I think the difference here is that he watched John kill two humans that were not a direct threat and could not defend themselves. It doesn't seem to matter that the Wraith was killing them at the time. He said that it was done, and I quote, with unbelievable ease and coldness. It truly alarmed him. He is afraid of this aspect of John. To be honest, he has harbored some small fear of John since the first day here."

"Because of Col. Sumner?"

Kate nodded. "Yes."

Elizabeth used the distraction of picking up her tea and sipping it to think. "What about John? He can be so damned…inscrutable when it comes to his own emotions."

The ghost of a smile appeared on Kate's face. "He's actually doing pretty well, all things considered."

"Pretty well?" Little of Elizabeth's concern was allayed.

"You read his psych report, didn't you?" Kate referred to the psychological work-up all of the expedition members had to complete before they could be assigned to the Atlantis expedition.

Elizabeth nodded. The report confirmed the judgment of his Air Force superiors. John Sheppard was more than a little too independent for the military. He had problems with authority and tended to jump in with both feet where angels dare not tread, even against orders. But, the evaluation went on to say that he was stable, both emotionally and mentally. And more. She came back to the present when Kate spoke her name.

"Elizabeth?"

"Sorry, you were saying?"

"John is very honest with himself. He has few, if any, delusions about who he is, what he has done and what he is capable of doing." Kate spoke confidently. "I know he shot Col. Sumner the first day we were here to prevent the Wraith from killing him like that. John did the same for these two young people. He had a decision to make in a split second, a very difficult decision. He made it and knows he will have to live with it."

"That's just what he said about Col. Sumner that first night." Elizabeth remembered the discussion on the terrace. "He will be alright, won't he?"

Kate nodded. "I believe so. He just needs a little time to process it. We have another session tomorrow, and then we'll go from there. Rodney is another matter. I'm seeing him again later this afternoon."

Elizabeth nodded. "What about Teyla and Ronon?"

"They are pragmatic. Having lived in the shadow of the Wraith their entire lives, and their people for so many generations, they have a very different perspective than we do. I believe they are honestly grateful for John's actions." Kate paused. "Still, I don't think any of them should go on any missions for at least a few days."

"They were due some down time anyway. I've already told John they won't be going off-world until you've cleared them." Elizabeth sipped her tea. "I am concerned about Rodney's relationship with John. He won't go into a room if John is there. If he is afraid of John or no longer trusts him, the integrity of the team is at risk."

"I think, with a little effort, and some intervention from John, Rodney will come around. John and I have discussed it. He's been worried about Rodney, as well."

"Really? What can we do?"

"This has been traumatic for both of them. We have to give John the space he needs, and then let him approach Rodney when he feels time is right. Rodney will recover. He's stronger than he thinks. So is their friendship."

"What about the long term for John?" Elizabeth's concerns were not dispelled completely.

Kate smiled. "Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on him. And, John has too many people around him that care."

---------

Sheppard stood quietly in the doorway to McKay's lab. The astrophysicist was across the room, hunched over a laptop and unaware of the visitor. Two technicians close to the door looked up. Sheppard jerked his thumb towards the door and they silently nodded and scurried out.

"Franklin, bring me that…artifact from M2R-376." McKay snapped his fingers several times and pointed to the end of the counter without looking around.

Sheppard walked over and picked up an instrument that he thought might be the desired object. He handed it to McKay who promptly handed it back with an exaggerated sigh.

"Not that!" He glanced up and saw Sheppard. His eyes darted around the room. "Where's Franklin and…what are you doing here?"

McKay slid off his stool and began to inch away from the Colonel. He fidgeted nervously, trying to act normal without success.

"Rodney." Sheppard's voice was calm and he didn't move.

McKay backed further away and around the edge of the counter, heading for the door. Sheppard exhaled heavily. He'd hoped this wouldn't happen even though he wasn't surprised by his friend's reaction. The door closed. McKay looked at it then back at Sheppard with something akin to horror. He passed his hand over the door control then pounded on it, but nothing happened.

"Rodney, it's been four days. You have to talk to me sometime." Sheppard leaned against the counter. His whole demeanor was as unthreatening as he could make it. He knew confrontation would not work. McKay might become even more alarmed and defensive.

"No, I don't. I'm busy right now. You have to leave." McKay decided bluster might work. He stayed on the door side of the counter and turned to a laptop connected to an ancient console and screen. He threw nervous looks over his shoulder at the Colonel.

Sheppard folded his arms over his chest. Well, some confrontation was apparently needed, after all. The lights dimmed and all of the Ancient technology shut down. McKay spun around, angry and apprehensive at once.

"What are doing? I'm in the middle of vital projects." McKay gesticulated at the equipment around the lab. "You've set my work back…days, weeks!"

"Relax, Rodney. Nothing's been lost." Sheppard's voice was as calm and quiet as McKay's was frantic and loud. He knew he had to be patient. "We need to talk."

McKay looked around the lab then back at the Colonel. All of his bravado suddenly melted away. He looked directly at Sheppard for the first time in four days.

"I hate it when you do that. You do it just to annoy me, don't you, Colonel?" He walked back to Sheppard's side of the counter and perched on one of the stools.

"Sometimes. You know, after all this time, you really should call me John." Sheppard felt more than a little of the weight lift from his shoulders. He swallowed hard before speaking again. "Are you going to be okay with…with what happened?"

The astrophysicist thought for several seconds, frowning at a data pad next to him without actually seeing it. He finally looked up. "I don't know. I just can't understand how you could do that. You were so…so…"

"Cold?" Sheppard offered.

McKay winced at the reminder of his words. "Well, yes. It really did seem like you were just shooting clay pigeons. How can you do that?"

It was Sheppard's turn to think, but he didn't look away. After a few moments, he sighed. "Rodney, it had to be done. That's all there was to it."

McKay couldn't bring himself to verbalize the act. "How do you live with it?"

"I have to. How do you live with Collins' death?" The gentle reminder prompted another wince.

McKay opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't find the right words, or any words. For the first time, he was speechless. He just shrugged and looked slightly ill.

"You just live with it, don't you?" At that moment, Sheppard felt more for his friend than he did for himself. "Rodney, you've seen what happens when the Wraith feed. You saw what was happening to those two kids. I would find it harder to live with doing nothing than shooting them."

McKay thought for a long time before giving in. He fidgeted with the data pad. "It's just so…so…"

Sheppard took a risk. "You do realize, don't you, that every time we destroy a Wraith ship we are killing human as well?"

"Yes. And, thank you very much for reminding me of that fact." McKay sighed. "This was just so much more personal. We could see them."

"I know." Sheppard paused for a moment, preparing to take a bigger risk. "Would you prefer to be assigned to another team, or not go on missions at all?"

"No! Heavens, no!" McKay was startled by the suggestion. He waved his hands about. "I just needed some time to…to…think about it. You're too matter-of-fact, that's all. How do you do that?"

The Colonel expression darkened slightly. "It's part of job, Rodney. I have to decide who goes through the Gate with the possibility that they may not come back. And, sometimes they don't. You have to deal with the emotion, put it in perspective and keep it there. Otherwise, it will make you crazy. I did what I thought I had to do for those kids, and I won't change my mind about it. Ever."

McKay listened in silence then rocked his head from side to side in acceptance. "Well, Teyla did say it was a mercy for them."

"Yeah, a very small one." Sheppard said softly as the lights and the instruments came up and the door opened. He pushed away from the counter and walked around it.

"Show off." McKay said with mock sarcasm as he glanced around at the fully operational lab.

The Colonel stopped at the door and turned around. He raised an eyebrow. "Are we good?"

"Yes, we're good." McKay said with honesty. The expression on his face as he watched his friend leave was a mix of understanding and relief.