A/N: I'm sorry this took so long to get up. Bet ya thought I forgot about it, didn't ya? Sorry. This story was dark, and hard to write. And as my life got back on track, the dark was hard to write. But it's done. It's nothing like what I planned, but I'm happy with it. I hope you enjoy it! Please review and let me know!
After hours of tests, Carson finally pronounced her fit and Elizabeth high-tailed it for her quarters. She knew she'd gotten off the easiest, as far as everyone was concerned. Rodney had numerous injuries; and Radek and John would have to stay at least overnight until Carson was sure that whatever chemical was used on them was fully out of their systems. All she had was a swollen cheek, a split lip and a black eye.
Her only goal was a long shower until she felt clean then climbing into bed and staying there until she felt human again. She didn't know if it was even possible, but she was going to try her hardest. Elizabeth quickly stripped down and stepped into the hottest shower she could stand, wincing at the almost scalding temperature. Within moments, her skin was red and stinging, yet she didn't get out or even cool the temperature. If she was asked later, she'd probably not even be able to verify if she'd felt it.
No tears fell. /I'm stronger than that, Elizabeth thought. /It's over and done. All that matters is that my people are home and safe/. With a decisive nod, she turned the water off, and quickly got out, drying herself and donning a pair of sleep shorts and a t-shirt before dropping bonelessly into bed.
She stared at the ceiling, listening to the ocean outside her window. Sleep would be a long time coming tonight.
Elizabeth decided to hold off on the debriefing until Carson released Rodney from the infirmary. There was nothing pressing that wouldn't wait. He'd make a full recovery, Carson assured them, but it would take time. In the meantime, he was keeping Rodney for at least a week to ensure no infection set in and to make sure the wounds healed well.
It was almost two weeks after the mission before they all gathered in the conference room. Elizabeth couldn't help but glance covertly around at all those assembled. The debriefing was almost unnecessary. John and Rodney had certainly discussed the mission by now. She only hoped that Rodney had realized that there were parts she'd rather keep classified.
They made it through all the general stuff from the mission in the first five minutes. For the first time since she was appointed to the SGC and later, Atlantis, Elizabeth didn't push for everything to be discussed. Sheppard opened his mouth a couple times to say something, then glanced at Rodney and always closed his mouth without saying anything.
Elizabeth looked at Rodney gratefully. It would be obvious to a blind man that Rodney had said something to Sheppard before the meeting. Whether just asking him not to ask, warning him off, or even promising to fill him in later, she didn't know. All she knew was he wasn't asking and she was thankful.
Less than 30 minutes after the debriefing started, they were done and Elizabeth dismissed them. She saw no reason to draw it out, Rodney seemed in no hurry to share what took place in the lab, and Sheppard and Dr. Zelenka were unconscious through most of it. As the others left, she closed the file in front of her with finality. As far as she was concerned, it was over.
Four a.m. found Elizabeth the same as it had for the last couple weeks - wide awake and staring at the ceiling above her bed as if it had all the answers. She went to bed at the normal time every night, usually around midnight. She'd sleep well for a few hours, and then the nightmares would start.
They varied slightly from night to night. Some nights, it was her tied up instead of Rodney and she woke feeling the pain in her chest and thigh from the knife. Other times, it was exactly how it happened, except Kolya followed through with his threat to rape her. Still others, she would be unable to shoot, and she'd watch Rodney die.
But most often, and to her, the most disturbing, were the ones that stayed true to reality. Living the horrible day repeatedly, waking up crying, screaming or with a gasp, was enough to make her hate that she had to sleep at all.
With a sigh, Elizabeth gave in and got up, turning a small lamp on to give her enough light to see her way to the bathroom. She got dressed and headed to her office. If she wasn't going to sleep, she might as well work. /Well, on the upside, I've never been this current on my paperwork/. Elizabeth thought with a wry smile.
She stopped by the ever-present coffee urn in the mess hall on her way, nodded to the technician on duty in the control room, and then entered her office, closing the door behind her softly. She pulled the first folder from her inbox and got to work.
Days came and went and the pattern didn't change. Major Sheppard's team went on an easy mission to celebrate Rodney's complete recovery and being cleared by Carson for full active duty again.
They came back several hours later, in high spirits and with not even a scratch on any of them. They all headed to the commissary for a non-MRE meal and light banter. Rodney looked around for Elizabeth, as was his custom, but once again saw no trace of her. He frowned, and filed the information away, before turning back to his friends and finishing his meal. The group finished up and went their separate ways with much thankfulness and even cheerfulness at their successful first mission together in almost a month. Teyla and Ronan headed for the gym for a workout, John to work on a long overdue report, and Rodney to his lab.
Several hours later, Rodney saved the program he was working on, powered down his laptop and stretched with a groan. A glance at his watch showed it was way later than he realized, though he was still wide-awake.
He shut off the lights and headed towards the mess hall, intent on finding a snack, when an already almost forgotten memory surfaced.
Elizabeth. He hadn't talked to her in quite a while, other than the briefing before their latest mission and he couldn't remember her saying more than "Alright, you have a go. But be careful." She had been there to neither send them off nor greet them upon their return. Which was not like Elizabeth. She was always there for a gate opening.
/This has gone on long enough. I shouldn't have let it go this long/, Rodney chided himself. It didn't say much for his ability to be a good friend that he'd let her suffer this long. But with an abrupt about-face, he headed for her quarters; his only intent was to do his best to rectify his lapse.
She was his friend. His best friend. And it was time he acted like it.
Elizabeth was once again staring at the ceiling. Her clock showed 3:04 a.m. /Well...am I gaining or losing? And extra hour to work on reports, apparently/. With a groan, she pushed the sheet back, got up and pulled her robe on. As she headed for the doors to her balcony, the computer chimed a notice that someone was outside her door. Her first thought was that something was wrong, but quickly dismissed that idea as she realized they'd call her over the radio or at least page her.
She turned to answer the door, and stopped, her hand hovering over the panel to open it. In a moment of absolute clarity, she suddenly knew exactly who was on the other side of the door.
After a long pause, a knock sounded and his voice carried through the door. "Lizabeth, I know you're awake. Let me in, please. This sort of conversation shouldn't be done through a door or in plain view of everyone else."
Making a decision, she ran her hand over the panel, releasing the door lock, then turned and walked out onto her balcony, not even waiting until he'd fully come into her quarters. If he really wanted to talk, he'd follow.
Rodney watched her walk away from him, and would have turned and left, except he knew her well enough to know that if she didn't want to talk to him, she would have said so. To him, her letting him in but not saying anything, was an almost deafening shout for help.
He followed her out onto the balcony, and leaned against the rail, staring silently out at the water, mimicking her stance. They stood there for what could have been minutes or hours. Finally, when she could stand it no longer, she broke her self-imposed silence and asked, "Rodney. What are you doing here?"
She was unprepared for his answer. He turned to face her and looked her square in the eye, before replying. "Because this has gone on long enough. If I was a better friend, I'd have been here a long time ago." As she opened her mouth to refute what he said, he held up a hand to stop her. "No, let me finish." At her nod, he continued.
"I know you, Lizabeth. Every time something bad happens, you take about a week, two at most, before you snap back. You lose sleep, don't do much eating, and stay locked in your office a lot." Her mouth dropped open in surprise that he saw that much. He smirked slightly, and then continued. "Yes, I notice. All that stuff I mentioned takes about a week to occur, but then you come to terms with it and move on."
"Now…I was in the infirmary for the first part of your grieving, but after I got out, I decided to give you some time. But…Lizabeth, you're getting worse, not better. You've got to get over this. We need you to be fully here, with us."
She shook her head sadly. "You don't understand. I don't know if I can get over this. Rodney…I killed a man. And whether it was justified or not; whether it was necessary or not…I killed a man! No matter how nice you want to be, that makes me a murderer." She was almost shaking by the time she whispered the last word, lowering her head to stare somewhere in the vicinity of his chest; anywhere other than meeting his eyes.
Rodney felt his mouth drop open in shock and quickly closed it with a snap. " Elizabeth…you are NOT a murderer! I know it's incredibly hard. But you're looking at this the wrong way." She brought her eyes up, meeting his, with doubt and confusion in hers. He gently reached up and placed the tips of his fingers under her chin, keeping it up so she couldn't drop it again. "Lizabeth…you're not a murderer. You're a hero. Well, a heroine, at least."
At the slight quirk of her lips, he smiled gently and continued. "You didn't murder him, Lizabeth. You saved me. All of us. You did exactly what you had to do to save us. And…you hated it. If you'd liked it, I'd be worried. Besides, Lizabeth, this isn't your fault, it's mine. I forced you to shoot. If it weren't for me…."
Elizabeth quickly placed her hand over his mouth, stopping him and interrupting. "If it weren't for you, we'd probably be dead. I was screaming inside, trying to make myself do it. And I just…couldn't. If you hadn't done what you did, none of us would have escaped." She let her fingers slip off his mouth and down to rest lightly on his chest, dropping her eyes to stare at her fingers, again avoiding his gaze.
"I just think... That is, I try not to think, but I can't help it. If I'm so weak that I can't even protect my people, maybe it would be better if I resigned. Leave before I get someone else hurt."
"NO!" The response burst out of him, heated and heartfelt, almost before she finished speaking. "Lizabeth, I meant what I said a few minutes ago. You're the only person for this job. We need you."
He paused and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, and then said very quietly and deliberately, "I need you, here with me. I don't even want to try to imagine what this place would be like without you. And that means I need to do my part to make sure you know we care, to make sure you stay here with me."
He stepped back slightly, and opened his arms, the invitation obvious. She hesitated only a moment, before launching herself at him. He closed his arms around her tightly as she wrapped hers around his waist, her face burrowing against his chest.
Rodney didn't have long to wait. No more than 30 seconds later, he felt her shudder. She drew in a long, deep breath and seemed to freeze for a moment. And then the dam broke. She sobbed into his chest, holding him so tight he winced, but there was no way he was going to say anything.
She was eerily silent in her grief. He felt her tears soak his shirt, and felt her shaking against him, but that was it. No noise. He was new to this whole friendship thing, and as such, had no idea what to say. He just brought one hand up to stroke her back and murmured a lot of nothing into her hair. Anything he could think of to reassure her.
Slowly, the tears slowed and eventually stopped. Embarrassed, Elizabeth pulled back. Well, she tried to; Rodney tightened his arms around her and whispered, "Please…just stay here a little while longer. I'm not ready to let go yet. Please."
She smiled lightly and nodded, then gently turned in his arms, facing out to look at the water as his arms tightened around her, pulling her backwards to rest against his chest. He rested his chin on the top of her head and stayed silent.
Elizabeth looked out at the rapidly lightening sky as dawn approached. She thought back to all the confusion and pain that consumed her, making her feel like she was the only person in the universe.
As if sensing her thoughts, Rodney gave her a hug, tightening his arms momentarily, just as the sun broke over the horizon. She had to gasp at the feelings that flooded through her in that instant. The beauty of the sunrise. The all-encompassing love and acceptance surrounding her in the form of Rodney's arms.
The feeling of contentment surprised her. It had been so long since she'd felt it, she almost didn't recognize it for what it was. She knew that she would never be okay with what happened.
But just maybe, when she went to bed tonight, the nightmares would be absent, chased away bythe friends she now knew surrounded her.