Chapter 5: Struggling

"You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging."

- Brene Brown

No one said hero life was easy.

It was a constant struggle between right and wrong, good and evil. Ladybug and Chat Noir were, of course, the good opposing Hawkmoth, the evil. Every win felt good but only until the next victim was akumatized and the cycle continued. Marinette loved her job but it was beginning to take a toll on her life outside of the spandex and she was struggling to keep the balance.

As Hawkmoth became more vicious and strategic, her disappearances increased. Study sessions, sleepovers, family game nights, band rehearsals, and more were missed or cut short. Dinner dates, movie dates, concerts, and picnics in the park with her new boyfriend were rescheduled.

Luka was so understanding but Marinette struggled with feelings of unworthiness and guilt as time went on. She liked him so much, but, after ditching their date to fight a time jumping rapper from the future, she felt it was only fair to break things off so she wouldn't hurt him again. He deserved better. Through her tears, she had tried but he just shook his head and embraced her.

"Ma-Ma-Marinette." He teased softly and she hiccupped a laugh into his chest. "I asked you out knowing you were busy, knowing you had a lot on your plate. I'm not going anywhere because you missed a few dates." She nodded and went to hug him tighter but he pulled away to meet her eyes. "But I do want you to know that I'm here if you need me. If you want to talk or share whatever you're struggling with. I can be your sounding board or just listen. I don't want you to think you have to go through things alone."

Tears of a different kind filled her eyes and she couldn't resist kissing him. It was their first kiss. The feeling of his lips on hers and the heat from his arms surrounding her to pull her closer made her melt into him. She'd imagined doing this many times before that moment but all of them couldn't even compare. He surrounded and filled all of her senses and she brushed away all of her problems from her mind as the world drifted away so that it was only him and her.

Sadly, they were quick to return.

Ladybug herself was struggling as Master Fu taught her more Kwami and Miraculous history alongside of deciphering the different power up recipes. He also trusted her with even more as he left it up to her to choose more holders outside the constant five she already had- herself, Chat, Rena, Carapace, and Viperion. She loved that he believed in her and her leadership and decision making abilities but she could see where this was heading and she didn't like it.

She wasn't ready to be the guardian and wouldn't be for a long time.

And then another struggle appeared. One she hadn't realized had been raging for a long time: a struggle in her heart.

It made itself known after the akuma attack on the Star Train, when Alya showed her the picture of Adrien and her snuggling in their sleep while on the train.

Marinette was stunned.

She remembered waking up with him next to her when the akuma first attacked but that was it. She could've sworn that it had been Alya she'd fallen asleep on, not Adrien, and that's when it all came together: it must have been her friends who set it up. She couldn't be mad at them for it. No one knew about her and Luka being together yet- a mutual decision made after the first date to keep their blooming relationship away from prying eyes so that it had room to grow- but that one photo reignited the tampered down fire in her heart and it battled with the tranquil music presiding there again.

Surprising Alya, Marinette burst into tears.

Alya had thought Marinette would be happy with the progress. This was something Marinette had wanted for so long! But she assumed her outburst was from her bestie's lack of sleep, so she guided Marinette home and up into her bed. She assured Marinette that everything would feel better once she slept it off. Marinette thanked her as she left but immediately started crying again when her door closed.

Everything was worse.

Marinette knew her feelings for Adrien hadn't completely gone away. They were still there when she talked to him, when they laughed with their other friends, when they were all hanging out. But she had assumed- hoped-that they would die down as she spent more time with Luka.

They had not.

The only thing that had changed was her love for Luka had grown, so the fire and music were vying for dominance neither had. After acknowledging that, she knew she had to tell Luka. He deserved to know.

So after sleeping, she immediately sought him out. She texted him and he told her he was at home. Upon seeing the state she was in, Luka took her to his room and went to make her some tea. Marinette noted that Juleka wasn't on her side of the room but dropped the thought as Luka handed her a cup.

"Do you wanna talk or do you want comfort?"

She smiled. He always knew what to say. "Both." Climbing into his bed beside her, he wrapped his arms around her and waited. She sipped her tea and collected her thoughts until the cup was empty. Relaxing back into his arms and against his chest, she sighed. "I still have feelings for Adrien."

Luka nodded and thought for a second. "Okay. Does that change anything for you?"

"Huh?"

"Do you want to be free to explore those feelings?"

She was already shaking her head. "I wanna be with you."

Luka gave a soft smile and squeezed her gently. "But you also want to be with him."

There was a short silence as both of them absorbed the information. Not bothering to dispute it, Marinette let her head drop against his chest. "I'm sorry."

Kissing her forehead, Luka spoke softly. "It's okay to be confused about this. All songs hold the ability to have an infinite amount of possible melodies. It's okay if the song in your heart currently has two." Marinette sniffled and buried her head deeper in his chest as she struggled to hold back tears. "If you want to go to him and try, that's fine. If you want to stay and work this out together, that's also fine. Do whatever you think is right for you. I'll respect whatever decision you make. I just want you to be happy."

The first tear slid down her cheek and he held her close as she cried.