AN: I call this the first chapter, but it's more of an epilogue. The real emotional turbulence (yes, I know, I know) starts next chapter. You would think I would learn not to write angsty, shippy, dark-themed stories after that long, long, long run-in with it three years ago. Well, enjoy anyway. :-)

Summary: McKay finds himself trapped in an alternate reality, where his alternate self is dead. Can he commit to feelings for Weir he never even knew he had? If he can, can he ever go back home?

Chapter One: Catastrophe

It started with M7H-885.

The SGA team who discovered the abandoned Ancient lab made a specific note to mention the abundance of artifacts left behind by their predecessors. The first to volunteer on the recovery team was McKay, shortly followed by Dr. Zelenka and Simpson.

The hype that followed was short-lived. Almost every viable bit of information, database, and independent Ancient device had been severely damaged or removed from the system. McKay's team, devastated by the loss of such a large wealth of information, managed to scavenge what they could out of the broken remainders to take back to the Stargate.

Rodney stood by his haggard crew as Lieutenant Sammuel dialed the Gate. He wasn't even aware of Dr. Milton presence until the young man was standing uncomfortably close to his shoulder.

"Yes, Milton? What is it now?" he said snappishly, his mood sullied by the recent tragedy.

"Dr. McKay, I…uh, well, I was going to wait until we were back in Atlantis," Milton started nervously. The Gate whooshed, making the pale blue light cast eerie shadows around the scientist's face. "But, I-I think you should have this now."

Milton reached deep into his pocket to retrieve what looked vaguely like a remote control, only tubular and etched with several glowing rings. He handed it over to McKay.

"This…you found this?" Rodney said in sheer disbelief. "And you're just telling me now?"

The poor scientist looked uncomfortable. He lowered his voice. "It's not really my area of expertise…so, uh, just…you're welcome, okay? Jeez..."

With that, Milton practically all but vanished into thin air. When Rodney McKay was in a temper, who wouldn't? Besides, he was absolutely right. An object of such an alien origin obviously needed the scrutiny of an expert. At least this trip wasn't a complete waste of time.

"All right," he announced, closing his hand around the artifact. He tucked the object into his vest as he turned to face his team. "Lab rats and germs," he said with a slight nod to their escorts. "First of all, let me just say that this expedition isn't a total loss yet. We still have a lot of bits and pieces to glue together when we get back. And by 'we', I of course mean 'me', because I'm giving all of you the rest of the day off."

Relieved chatter followed this statement. Their military escorts grinned at the wearied enthusiasm displayed by the team.

"Yes, yes, don't everyone thank me at once," Rodney said with off-handed sarcasm. "Go on, go home. I'm dangerously close to changing my mind."

The scattered team gathered into a steady line and headed through the Gate, whilst McKay fell in behind them tiresomely. He paused only to turn around for one last look at the ruins surrounding the Gate.

He sighed. Not that it mattered now, anyway. He had plenty to do in his book already. And now he had an alien TV remote to analyze when he got home.

Coffee. That was the first thing he needed. Then alien remote controls. Blessed, hot, freshly roasted coffee.

He turned back to the Gate and stepped into the event horizon, unaware of the catastrophe that awaited him on the other side.

Outside.

Nothing outside their world mattered. Their only company was the breeze as it unsettled her hair, ruffled his open jacket slightly. The sound of the ocean far below them was just a minor distraction, as her attention focussed on the task at hand.

Nothing could separate them. Her fingers laced through his hair and his breath, against her skin, warm and welcome—the faint traces of coffee still lingering there and on his tongue. Her back was against the railing, but he was just standing there, kissing her. As if nothing else mattered but this time and place.

The blissful dream abruptly ended when they parted. Cerulean eyes searched hers for something. His saucy grin made the trademark complete.

"Rodney…" She smiled in her sleep.

"Did I ever tell you how much I love you?" he said with the edge of innuendo.

But her face fell, her hands slowly unclenching from their embrace. "Close the Gate," she whispered hoarsely.

And then she was the Wraith, clutching at his chest and shuddering at the sensation of his life flowing through her. His body withered away in front of her, crumpling and turning into ash, carried away by the winds of Atlantis.

When he was gone, her heart lurched with the pain of loss, and she fell against the railing. It hurt. It hurt, what she'd done to him. It was nothing but blackness, tainted with guilt, and it shattered her mind to think.

This was a nightmare.

"Unscheduled off-world activation!"

The sound of the alert hardly stirred any reaction from Elizabeth anymore. Four months ago, her heart would have leapt into her throat and she would have rushed to the balcony overlooking the Gate Room. Everyone one else would avert their attention, of course—they found it awkward, and uncomfortable. They knew what kind of loss she'd suffered, and no one had the heart to talk her out of hoping.
Hoping. That maybe, by some fraction of the slimmest chance, he was still alive.

Her heart broke every time. It went on until she couldn't bear it anymore. Eventually, she stopped believing. She tried to move on, and couldn't—his absence still wracked her dreams, twisting them into nightmares—but she let go of the possibility that he might have survived. He would have been proud, most likely, with her resilience to false hope.

Colonel Sheppard had returned with his team earlier on that day. There were no more SGA teams due until tomorrow. With luck, the unexpected activation was due to a minor setback, and not something life-threatening. Life. Her mind flickered towards a conversation with Dr. Becket not so long ago. Yes, life was important. Now that the Wraith had culled Earth, it was all they had.

Elizabeth walked to the edge of the balcony and was joined by Dr. Zelenka. His face had several more lines in it than she remembered. The weight of chief scientific advisor was heavy on him. Though it made her feel terrible at times, she also knew it was what he wanted. It was something Rodney would have wanted, as well.

"Have we received an IDC yet?" she asked the technician standing by the DHD. The young man's face was strangely askew. "Not ye—" He paused. "We just received one. It's…Lieutenant Sammuel's IDC, sir."

The back of her neck prickled ominously. "Sammuel? When did he leave Atlantis?"

He looked up from the screen with wide, uncertain eyes. "He didn't. He broke his knee last week during a training session."

"What?" she twisted her head towards the Gate. "How is that possible?"

"Dr. Weir," another tech called, springing to his feet. "The shield just shut itself off!"

"Raise it!" The words caught in her throat. All she could do was stared at the shimmering surface of the Gate as a lone figure stepped through. Almost instantly, the Gate collapsed.

Silence flooded the control room as everyone stared at the sole arrival. Elizabeth's heart froze.

It was Rodney McKay.

The few armed soldiers present locked their guns on him, backing away from the Stargate as though expecting an army to come pouring out of thin air.

Rodney stared, bewildered by the unforeseen hostility. He held up his hands with an edge of panic in his voice. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Oh, come on!"

She heard him. She saw him. But she didn't believe it. She took in every detail of his face, his clothing, his body. His chest, heaving with short, panicked breaths. His hands—soft hands, she had discovered—displayed in front of him in a plea of innocence.

Exactly as she remembered him. His eyes darted to her as she slowly descended the stairs. "Elizabeth, thank you! Okay, now…. I-I know I might have missed a bit of sleep over the past few days and a tan probably wouldn't kill me, but do I seriously look like a Wraith?"

"No," she said softly, stepping forward. Every inch of her wanted to touch, to feel that he was alive and that this wasn't some horrible dream. "You can't be," she whispered.

"There, you see?" he snapped, clearly misunderstanding her meaning.

Her eyes squinted at him with a fire catching light in the pit of her stomach. She drew towards him, and the burning grew worse. "Who are you?"

The scientist dropped his arms to his side and tilted his head at a 'yeah, right' angle. "Very funny, Elizabeth. I get it now. Ha, ha, this is a joke. Well, ha, ha, you got me—can I go now?"

"Shut up," she said threateningly. "If this is some sort of sick Wraith scheme to infiltrate us, then I've had enough. Dr. Rodney McKay is dead. Who are you?"

The corners of his mouth dropped. "I'm…I'm sorry, did you just say I'm dead?"

Elizabeth just shook her head, a sudden sickness overwhelming her. She backed away from him, tearing her eyes away. "Take him away," she managed to breathe. "I don't want to see this."

Shriveled and brittle, his body lay discarded not ten yards from the Gate.

Several of the armed guards grabbed Rodney by the arms. He foolishly tried to struggle, earning him a sharp jab between the shoulders with the barrel of a P90.

"No, wait!" he yelled after Elizabeth's retreating back. "Elizabeth, wait!"

Someone grabbed his sidearm from his belt; another seized the cylinder Ancient's device out of his vest. They began to drag him towards the brig, but McKay was desperate, confused and not willing to give in without a fight.

"It's me! Rodney! Why won't you believe me?" he shouted over the voices of the soldiers as they reprimanded him. He grappled against the men futilely. "Please! Please!"

Her feet seemed to drag her down as she climbed the steps. Her whole body was shaking. Her head pounded and the voices of the people as they crowded around her seemed distant. She could only feel the weight of someone's hand as it gently touched her shoulder.

A brief glimpse upward and she found Dr. Zelenka was talking to her. Only she couldn't hear him. The world was beginning to turn. Just before she hit the floor, she felt the Czech catch her under her arms. They yelled for a medical team.

All she could see as the world faded, was the living nightmare she had never been able to escape. Never since the day Rodney had been abandoned on M7H-855.