Ch 14: Attack of the Sock Demon Queen
Disclaimer: (singing off key) I'm the poorest fan fic writer in his-tor-y,
So I see no point in big companies suing meeeeeeee!
(A/N: Hello my wonderful readers! Here is the Christmas special of TRHOM, which is four pages instead of two. Merry Christmas/Haunaka/Kwanza/Yule/whatever holiday you celebrate around December!)
"Oh no no no no." Raven, ignoring the newly arrived guests, rushed over to the crashed spaceship.
"Oh no no no no. (slight pause; rips out a few wires from a randomly chipped area) no." The Monarch couldn't take all of the 'no's. "What the hell are you babbling about?"
"When I crash-landed, I think...I think I broke the engine." Edward smirked behind the sweet cornbread he was eating. "Told you your driving sucked." five milliseconds later, Ed found himself dodging chunks of detached metal flung at him shuriken-style by Raven. Finally he was temporarily felled by a five millimeter wrench. "Critique my terrible driving one more time and I swear I will send you to a place more horrible than Wal-Mart!" Edward, knowing now Raven's endless hate for Wal-Mart, cringed at the thought. When she ceased her screaming tone Raven dove into the engine room to see if her broken-engine hypothesis was correct. Kagome and Inuyasha just stared at this motley crew of soon-to-be reality TV victims.
Just then, Miroku and Sango showed up, followed by Kilala and Shippo. "Where's Naraku huh? Where? Where? Where?" Judging by the way Miroku was trembling, and on how hyper-active he was, the MTV producers had gotten to him and forced-fed him a Red Bull (which, in fact, doesn't give you wings, but high blood pressure) "Miroku, calm down." But he didn't clam down at the sight of Zim. He didn't wear his disguise. "IT'S THE DEMON!" Miroku shouted. Sango had no choice but to knock him out with the enormous boomerang she had strapped to her back. "Sorry about Miroku." Sango apologized to Zim, "But he's been a bit odd since those men in strange clothing kidnaped him." Raven came to join them with her personal damage assessment.
"Yep. They force-fed him a Red Bull all right. He'll simmer down in a few months." Zim glared at the unconscious Miroku. "Zim is no demon!" He shouted indignantly in the monk's ear. Everyone ignored the green alien. "Well, I've got good news, and I've got bad news."
"Can you tell us the bad news first?" Dib asked. Chupy squeaked in agreement (I totally forgot about him!) "No"
"Why not?"
"It won't have an emotional impact on the readers. And it'll be less confusing if I give the good news first." But, just when Raven was delivering the status of the spaceship, the heartless, cliff-hanger-loving producers cut to a ten minute-long commercial about the dangers of leaving pyros unsupervised in a fireworks factory. The show was back on when the factory was a smoking ruin(and the pyros had accidentally burned their eyebrows off) "The good news is I've found out what the problem is."
"And the bad news?" Brock questioned in a bored manner. "The bad news is, I don't know squat about anything with an engine. Oh, and my portal-opening powers don't work for a randomly unexplainable reason." This is the part where everyone who knew what the hell was going on started to panic. Everyone who had been aboard the ship screamed as if someone had feed an apocalyptic squirrel (see the note at the end of this chapter if you don't get the joke). "We can't go back? Are you serious?"
"If I was kidding, Monarch, there would be dancing bears in tutus to finish the joke!" Anna stood up. "Your saying that we're stranded here?"
"I am serious! Do you have to frisk me for nonexistent dancing bears?" Miroku, who had came to, had a grin at the thought of this. Raven, who at the moment had gained the powers of mind reading, wacked him upside the head with her favorite cooking utensil. "Turn that thought into reality and I'll aim lower." she warned. Danny sighed. "So, I'm stranded in the feudal era of Japan with two eccentric aliens, a misanthropic bodyguard, an alchemist, a paranormal investigator, a guy in a butterfly suit, a cranky spirit medium, The Box Ghost, a baby chupacabra and a fanfiction writer who's obsessed with mangoes. I have nothing to look forward to when we do get out of here but two more weeks with them and a homicidal maniac who wants to kill me. CAN MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE?" A roar responded to Danny's rambling shout. "Did I even have to ask?" What emerged from the medieval trees was a demon. But it was no ordinary demon...
"That's the demon we've been tracking for three days!" Sango shouted. Miroku immediently sobered up from the Red Bull and stood beside Sango. "Inuyasha," Kagome announced to the half-demon, "I see a shard of the sacred jewel. It's in the demon's forehead!"
"You fools!" shouted Raven, "Do you not realize who that is? It's the Sock Demon Queen!" Ed was confused. "Sock Demon Queen?"
"Yes! Bees and ants have their queens, and so do sock demons!" Everyone stared at Raven in confusion. "What the hell are sock demons?" Raven answered The Monarch's question. "Sock demons are the most pesky, dangerous demons you'll ever encounter. Yes, they are defenseless on their own, but that's why they travel in packs. Just think of those little raptor-thingies in the Jurassic Park movies, only their primary diet is socks and not human flesh."
"So they won't attack us?"
"No Danny, not unless your wearing socks. Then they'll chew off your feet. Most sock-demon victims don't survive because their fangs are venomous- like a Komodo Dragon!" With those words hanging over everyone's heads, anyone who was wearing socks cautiously removed them from their feet and put them in a pile. Instantly, little reptilian-looking creatures emerged from the bushes and gathered at the pile. Soon a frenzy started, as two sock demons started disemboweling each other over a pair of Halloween socks. "It's like a big steak dinner to them, holiday socks" Ravenmuttered to Dib (who was wearing the said socks) "Had you been wearing those when they attacked, well, It'd be quite a mess." Ignoring Dib's horrified looks, she continued on, "I mean a mess mess, you know? Texas Chainsaw Massacre would have nothing on them. Yep. And they'd save you big head for last." Dib was about to shout to Raven for the somethingith time that his head wasn't big when, "Hey everybody! Check out my new Christmas socks!" The sock demons, having perfect comprehension of the English language, turned their little diabolical heads to Haruko. She had emerged from the bushes, standing atop the picnic table in her bunny costume, proudly sporting on her high-heeled feet festive red socks with green wreaths and reindeer, complete with bells. The sock demons salivated at the sight of those Christmas socks. "No!" Raven jumped in between Haruko and the sock demons, brandishing not an iron wok, but a water pistol in each hand. "Run Haruko! Run while you still can! And ditch the socks!"
"No way! I worked hard for the money to buy these socks!" The sock demons looked up to Raven with disgust. "Do you have a problem with my sandals? Do you hate that I wear them...with no socks? Eat this!" With that, Raven fired at the sock demons. But what came out of the water pistols wasn't water, but milk. "Taste on your course tongues calcium-fortified doom, sock demons! Bwahahahahahahahaha!" Everyone, including Inuyasha and his crew, stared at Raven in disbelief, then looked at the melting sock demons before them. "I don't believe it." The Monarch uttered(pardon the pun- again). "Believe it, butterfly man! It is my sole duty as a sock-demon huntress to eliminate them from existence!" A slight pause, "Don't give me that look. I have to hunt them. It's kinda my fault their here." Zim understood what Raven was talking about. "Are you saying that it was your filthy mind that created them?" Zim growled at Raven's nod. "I've been plagued by those things for months! Curse you Raven! Curse you!" Raven slapped Zim with a sock demon's carcass. "Are you done cursing me? I'd like to beat the pulp out of the Sock Demon Queen so that I can get us out of here." Judging by everyone's confused look, Raven explained. "The Sock DemonQueen's special ability is to leave her victim powerless by taking away any special abilities they possess." She turned to Danny. "Danny! Attempt to go Ghost, and you will see what I mean!" Danny did what she told him. "I can't go ghost." He couldn't believe his luck. Edward tried to do alchemy, but couldn't. Chupy tried to eat the picnic table, but thought better of it. He didn't want to spoil his appetite and would end up having to skip dessert (oh how he loved his kidney pie). "The Sock Demon Queen can't use the abilities she's taken from us. Not yet anyway."
"What do you mean 'not yet'?" Raven answered Danny and Ed's question. "She's only taken our abilities to weaken us. But, if she eats us, she will absorb those abilities." Everyone cringed. Any sock demon that could open portals, walk through walls, and fix a radio by clapping their hands together was truly formidable. "Don't worry. I've got enough milk in this water pistol(holds up the one in her right hand) to defeat her, as long as we use it properly." With that, she tossed the water pistol to the only one capable of defeating the Sock Demon Queen- no, I'm not talking about Inuyasha. He gets enough limelight from his own TV show. Besides, he doesn't know how to use a water pistol. "Me? Why?" Raven answered Dib's question. " Quality summer fun in the hands of a paranormal investigator such as yourself who used such a device to defend himself from his archnemesis, Zim. Dib- no one else has the experience you have to defeat this sock-devouring evil I created." She leaned in to whisper something to him. "Just aim for the eyes; that's the weakest part of the sock demon's body." Raven turned to Haruko. "Haruko! Make sure he lands on the sock demon's nose." Haruko saluted, then flourished her electric guitar. She reared it back like a professional baseball player ready to bat with intentions to win the game. "Remember Dib: do not hesitate, or she will devour you, Halloween socks and all!" Those were Raven's last minute words of advice as Dib was swatted into the air. Cameramen in helicopters hovered around the Sock Demon Queen in anticipation. Right on target, Dib landed on the Sock Demon Queen's nose. Her nostrils flared. Hot air streamed from them as Dib leaped back in surprise onto the demon's cheekbone. The Sock Demon Queen's eyes opened to stare him down.
Her eyes were a dark shade of red, as if all the blood of her victims collected into those fierce, sock-thirsty orbs. Dib could see his terrified reflection in the Queen's wet, moist eyes. Nothing scared him more right now than her blood red eyes. His hesitation became his liability, for the Queen tossed him into the air with a mere flick of her head. Dib ascended up, up into the sky, fearing the worst to happen when gravity would catch up with him to give him a ticket for speeding. Dib looked down; the Sock Demon Queen had opened up her jaws, ready to catch him in her mouth like a child tossing M&Ms into the air. This was it; he was going to die. Then he realized that he still had the water pistol in his hand. Eureka! He looked down again to see the Queen's eyes were still exposed. Dib aimed the milk-filled water pistol directly at the Queen's right eye (her right, not his) He waited. Dib could hear his heart beating. He decided to fire at the seventh heart beat. ( thump thump ) he was getting closer. ( thump thump ) Dib could feel sweat on his forehead. ( thump thump) closer still. To pass the time of waiting (it seemed like he was up there forever) Dib wondered what they would have for dinner. ( thump thump ) he decided it would be something with chicken in it.( thump thump ) closer... ( thump thump ) closer... ( thump thump) now. Dib fired. The milk hit it's intended target. Perfect! The Sock Demon Queen reared in pain. Dib, now out of the path of the Queen's open mouth, grabbed onto the wrinkled flesh around the Sock Demon Queen's left eye. Once settled, Dib fired again and again, the next shot more perfect than the last. He could hear a sizzling sound from where the Queen's eyes were melting from the milk. She swayed, and finally fell over dead, knocking down trees and other foliage. From the unsettled dust, Dib rose. Triumphant, he did the first thing he promised to himself he'd do if he made it alive; he hit Raven upside the head with the water pistol. "What was that for?" she shouted. "I. Could've. Died." Raven thought about this for a moment. "Okay, then. I deserved that. But look on the bright side- you're a hero! Tonight, we celebrate your victory with stew and illegal fireworks." Chupy, who suddenly became hungry, gazed at the Sock Demon Queen's carcass. "No Chupy, don't eat that- It'll give you indigestion." Chupy looked at the carcass hungrily, but decided not to risk indigestion(for if he had indigestion, then he wouldn't be able to have his kidney pie!) "Now..." Raven leaped onto the spaceship, motioning for the others to follow. She opened up a portal underneath and they fell in. "Back...to the future!" Inuyasha exchanged glances with his companions. "What the hell?"
(A/N: I finally updated! Now, for those of you who didn't get the apocalyptic squirrel joke, a friend of mine was reading the Sunday funnies when a certain cartoon caught her eye. I forgot exactly what comic strip it was, but the main character encountered talking squirrels that prophesied doom and destruction. He was about to feed one of them when he noticed a sign. It read clearly, in bold letters:
DO NOT FEED THE APOCALYPTIC SQUIRRELS!
Endless jokes followed from that point forward. Anyways, If you guys were wondering why I dragged the last part about Dib fighting the Sock Demon Queen out, well, here's my answer: I'm practicing. You see, I mentioned in the last chapter that I'm planning on writing a book. It's going to be a horror novel, and in horror you have to put anticipation in your work. Someone, anyone, please tell me if what I wrote was suspenseful or not. It'll really help- I promise!
Here is my response to the reviewes:
Invader Iza: Hush puppies are chunks of fried cornbread dough. Very tasty if you've patted off the grease properly. I found a recipe in one of my dad's cookbooks if you want me to e-mail it to you.
My Eternal Facade: Glad to know someone thinks I'm sarcastic. If you want real sarcasm, talk to my sister- I never won a debate with her. Wait...okay- an official debate.
In case you're wondering about why I put sock demons in this chapter to the brim, Let me explain- On friday, during creative writing, I told a horribly comedic story with sock demons in it, and the only question I recieved was "What the hell are sock demons?" and it dawned on me; ever since their creation, I had ranted about sock demons but never got down to actually describingthem. So, summoning what was left of my imagination after watching a three-hour marathon of 'the Surreal Life' (my sister made me watch it with her) I went down to describing what exactly sock demons were in this crazy world we call WordPerfect 12. Hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Until next time, don't play with fire(unless you know what your doing!))