Disclaimer: I own nothing! NOTHING!

A/N: So… Yeah. This was supposed to be an idiotic ONESHOT. (Knight-Fox Chan has just proven to herself that she has no self-discipline whatsoever!) o.0

"Hare-bare, the moral of this story is… don't grow up to be an idiot like your father."

"Now wait just one minute Padfoot!" James was glaring at me… what had I said this time? I was just giving my godson a little reminder that his father was a bloody dumbass. Speaking of Harry, he was now wrapped in a yellow fuzzy towel, resting his head on Prongsie's shoulder. Some of the more resilient bubbles (a.k.a. the bubbles that had immediately sought refuge away from my godson's flailing arms) were still hovering in the air. "You were so much worse than I was in the stupidity department. Why don't you tell Harry about when I proposed to Lils?"

"Hare-bare doesn't want to hear…" I was suddenly interrupted by the only female voice in the household. Oh, crap…

"Oh believe me, Sirius. He REALLY wants to hear this one."

"Hey (gulp) Two-Shoes, didn't see you there…" CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!

"SPILL!" Lily and James said simultaneously.

"Well, Hare-bare... Don't say I didn't warn you. Once upon a time, the evil prince James was sharing a castle with his handsome friend Sirius. James was trying to win the hand of the beautiful princess Lily, and Sirius was getting very annoyed…"

Oo Two Years Previously oO

I was mad. Oh yes, Prongsie-Poo was going to feel my wrath. He was supposed to ask Lily to marry him, and I got all packed and ready to move out of the flat that we shared in London. Well that was the month before. I was STILL packed, but I couldn't leave because Prongs 'needed' me. For a Gryffindor, he was a bloody coward.

We hadn't been out of Hogwarts more than a few months when all this started. James mumbling to himself. Giving speeches to our extremely overenthusiastic bathroom mirror. Forgetting to do certain important things, like eat. He was INSANE. And with the so called 'Dark Lord' on the loose, this was definitely not the time to go all soppy on me. Where was the Prongsie that was so attentive to detail, that when he had turned the fifth floor corridor into a winter wonderland the previous year he added that wonderful spell to make icicles hang from Snivelly's nose when he walked through? WHERE WAS HE!

Don't get me wrong, I loved Two-Shoes. She was the only one that told James how bloody idiotic he was almost as much as I did. I wanted them to get married, but preferably in this lifetime. Merlin, I had to do everything!

So I came up with a plan. Everyone knows that my plans are flawless and amazing, because I bloody rule. I had the polyjuice potion in a small tinted phial that I carried with me everywhere, just in case I needed a disguise at some point. I had James in my flat. I had an extremely cool locking spell that would keep Prongsie-Poo in the bathroom long enough…

So I took some hair from Prongsie's brush. Eww… so completely disgusting. At least it wasn't fingernails. Anyway, I dropped a jet black strand into the phial after James decided to run to Diagon Alley for some more rolls of parchment. I waited for him to come back. I watched him saunter into his bedroom and leave his glasses on the nightstand. He walked into the bathroom that connected both our rooms and shut the door. Here was my chance.

I walked into my bedroom and silently sealed that door to the bathroom, then did the same thing in Prongsie's room. On the way out, I grabbed his glasses, shoes, and some wrinkled bottle green robes out of his clothes hamper. To help James, I would need something from Borgin and Burkes, but I didn't want the shopkeeper to recognize me. I just needed Prongsie's identity for a short while…

I chugged that potion so I wouldn't have to taste the crap any longer than necessary. I felt myself grow an inch or two, and my hair shorten into a messy mop. My eyes spread a half an inch, and a small growth of stubble appeared on my chin. After about one more minute I looked in the small decorative mirror along the wall. I looked almost exactly like James.

There was one major difference though. I could SEE my reflection. Without James' glasses. How was that possible? He was blinder than a bat without them, I should be too! Everybody would know it wasn't really James if I didn't wear the glasses…BLOODY HELL! I was going to have to accomplish this with blurry vision.

I walked out of the door to flat, then apparated into Diagon Alley. I was wonderful and smart enough to put an anti-apparition charm on the flat, because, everybody… 'YOU ARE A SODDING GENIUS!' That's more like it. I crept near Gringotts, and slipped past the bank into the dark mist surrounding Knockturn Alley. No wait, that was a wall. I think I STILL have the bruise from that collision. These glasses were murdering my eyes.

I was going to buy Prongsie a courage amulet that my cousin, Bellatrix, had sold to Borgin for my dear mother (yeah, right…) in case the Ministry raided Grimmauld Place. I hadn't understood this at all, considering the fact that my disgusting childhood home was hidden from practically everything.

I'm rambling again… Anyway, I was grateful when I saw it was still in the grimy shop. I grabbed the pillow it was sitting on, oops… that was somebody's … I don't want to talk about that! DAMN PRONGSIE'S EYES! The potion must not have worked entirely because it was in my pocket for so long. Okay, so I didn't consider that…but I'm still amazing.

I took the amulet up to the dusty counter and pulled the few Galleons out of my pocket to pay for it. I heard an impatient, fake cough to my left and realized that I was probably trying to buy this trinket from a cursed mannequin that I knew came from Malfoy Manor. Oopsie.

I laid the coins on the counter and ran out of the shop, not even worried about the few knuts in change Borgin owed me.

I tore off the glasses as soon as I apparated back outside the flat and felt my hair growing back to its usual length. I felt my face, and everything seemed to be the way it usually was (thank MERLIN! Being as ugly as Prongsie was hard to live with.) I reached into the pocket of the borrowed robes to make sure I still had the amulet, and went towards the door. I started for the handle, but my hand began to feel sort of odd. Tingly. I couldn't get my fingers around the brass. They were… numb? Now what did I do!

It felt like I had no hands… they were there, but dead, useless weight. It was at this moment when I knew I was in some deep dragon shit. I couldn't get into the flat. I was stuck in the harsh world, I was…really, really dumb. I banged my forehead against the door about four times in frustration.

To my astonishment, somebody answered. Remus Lupin, a.k.a. Moony, looked tired and slightly agitated.

"Why did you lock Prongs in the bathroom? You two were supposed to come out to the Three Broomsticks, remember? But you were late, so I got worried. And I think you need your robe hemmed…you're about to trip over it!"

I slipped past him and walked over to the couch where Prongsie was sitting, still dripping from the shower and wrapped in a white towel. "Damn it, Padfoot! I can't get dressed until you give me my bloody glasses!"

I tried to hand over the glasses, but I just couldn't get my fingers to work right. I shrugged at Moony, who summoned them from my pocket and handed them to James.

"Much better!" Said Prongs, and he raised his head. He looked puzzled. "Padfoot, why are you wearing my robes?" he looked down. "And my shoes!"

I knew this was the time to fess up.

"Well, I'm tho thick uf you bean a thicken thit." OOOOH, SHIT! What could possibly happen to make this day worse? My tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth!

Prongsie and Moony stared in disbelief. "What the hell have you been doing?" Moony asked me. "I bet that polyjuice potion got used today!" Sigh. They knew me too well.

James jumped off the couch and ran to the doorway, where I was now hovering. He jammed a fist into my left-hand pocket and pulled out the amulet. After a quick look, he handed it to Moony.

"PADDY!" He yelled loud enough to wake the entire building. "WHY IS THERE A MONKEY ON THE AMULET?"

I tried to say "A WHAT!" but it came out as a cross between a choke and a high-pitched squeak. Bloody hell.

Moony was still staring at the damned thing. "Why are you yelling, James?"

"WHAT! MY EARS ARE RINGING! SPEAK UP!"

"He was right, Padfoot. There is a monkey on the amulet. This looks really old, where did you get it?"

My reply was a whiny moan.

"I better go look this up." He turned to head towards James' library and ran SMACK into the wall. "Where did everybody go? I can't see anything!"

DAMN PRONGSIE'S EYES! I must have picked up the wrong sodding amulet!

Moony spoke to me this time. "Sirius, James was supposed to ask Lily tonight! She's coming over in a half an hour!"

I knew my hands were still quite numb, but I managed to scrawl in horrible handwriting a note to Two-Shoes. It read:

Lily,

This whole mess is my fault. I can't talk, James can't hear, and Remus can't see. I think it's because of this amulet I bought. James has been wanting to ask you something for a long time, but he can't because I bought the sodding amulet to give him the courage to do it. Murder me later, ok? And don't touch the amulet!

I transformed into my wonderful dog state in order to leave a sloppy, inky paw print for a signature. All we had left to do now was wait. Two-Shoes had always liked me better as a dog…

When we heard the knock on the door, I cocked my head and went over to Prongsie, pawing his leg. At least he had gotten dressed.

"COMING!" He yelled as he ran over to the wooden entrance. He swung the door open, revealing Lily Evans with a tremendous smile on her face.

"YOU LOOK AMAZING LILS!"

Lily looked confused. "Why are you yelling James? And what are these guys doing here?"

I bounded over to her with the letter in my mouth. I even gave it extra drool.

She scanned the letter quickly and looked at us boys as if we were idiots.

"Show it to me…" She said to me and Remus.

I gave her my most adorable face before transforming back into my handsome self and pulling the amulet out of Prongsie's robes. I tilted it so she could get a good look without touching it.

She only looked surprised for a moment before she burst out in giggles. Prongs and I exchanged a few well chosen glances.

"You idiot, Sirius! This is a muggle pendant that someone must have cursed. Do you see the monkeys on it? This one has its hand over its mouth. That's you… the 'speak no evil' monkey. This one has a hand over its eyes, Remus… and this last one has its ears covered."

Two- Shoes pulled out her wand and yelled "Finite Incantatem!" At almost the same time, my hands started to tingle again. I dropped the amulet, and Lily then pointed her wand at it. "Reducto!"

The monkeys smashed into millions of pieces and faded from the dirty carpet.

Lily turned to James and said, "Can you hear me?"

He nodded. She kissed him. I recoiled. How can anybody find the exchange of bodily fluids romantic? Ew.

It took Lily a full minute to pull back away from the kiss. She looked him in the eye and practically purred one word: "yes."

"What?"

"Yes I'll marry you."

"But I didn't ask…" My little Prongsie-Poo, so grown up! He looked nothing less than terrified about it.

"I figured it out, from the note Sirius gave me."

James' jaw was almost touching the floor. "PADFOOT!"

After that, he chased me for a few hours. Stags are quite fast. I had done it though… Two-Shoes said yes. Do you know what that means?

I RULE!

Oo Two Years Forward oO

Lily walked over to me, thoroughly depressed after telling Harry THAT story. Not my shining moment. Anyway, She came over and took my face in her slender, pale hands. She gently tilted my head and stood on her toes, kissing me on the forehead. Harry found this so amusing, he spit up all over Prongsie.

"Thank you, Sirius. But it is times like this I really wish I'd kept that curse on you."

Witch.

A/N: Well, what did you all think? I appreciate feedback... hint hint...