"Twelve o'clock – the woman sitting right in front of you. Hot, self-proclaimed very hot brunette, blue eyes - not the same shade as you, but darker. Single, and very much attractive and unabashedly attracted to you, would you say yes?"
Amelia wanted to say more because she wanted to prove to Arizona that it had never been just an attraction. That she took her shot not because there was no one, - and how there was no else but Arizona.
Because she had thought about her even in moments when she shouldn't, a testament that she had always wanted her. In spite of the years that passed.
Amelia took it as a sign that she wasn't pulling away - and so maybe she thought a kiss would do it. Because she had thought about doing just that - countless times before, but their complicated situation once begged them to differ. The window was open now, even clearer and untethered than before.
Because again - right now and for the past few months it had only been her and Arizona.
She leaned in slowly, testing the waters - to gauge the want. Still afraid of the possibility that Arizona would pull back, may have initially already wanted something or someone else entirely - and Amelia could only hope her confession had not been too late.
Amelia wished she hadn't spoken sooner when Arizona slightly flinched, shrinking back at the edge of her stool. She looked at her, perplexed, and Amelia felt her chest tighten - making it uncomfortable for her to take air in.
Arizona was looking at her differently now, definitely not expecting the night to take a different turn because of Amelia's sudden confession, and it tore Amelia because she had once again been proven right with her assumptions. That Arizona never wanted her. How it had been years and it still had been a no. That maybe she had only been jealous of Matt because she was once again thinking of Mich then.
"I – Amelia, I definitely wasn't expecting that…" Arizona honestly admitted. She unconsciously licked her lips, evidently confused as deep lines began to appear on her forehead. Amelia could already feel her mind telling her to run because she already knew where this was all heading next.
And she knew that Arizona had planned on saying more but Amelia couldn't just seem to allow it.
A few hours before Joe's
She regretted the idea of staying longer because it was not her business - never been her business. Yet she found herself standing close to the entrance door, in an attempt to cover herself from a furious-looking Arizona who was somehow engaged in a heated argument with Richard Webber.
It was wrong.
She knew well enough not to eavesdrop, but the impulse had proven her otherwise, all over again - because she felt like Arizona had something to say towards Richard that she needed to hear.
"You hired Leah Murphy back? Why would you do that?" Arizona had some balls in choosing violence when Richard barely even had the time to fully acknowledge her presence.
Amelia's eyes narrowed, obviously now not regretting her decision to stay. Because now it all seemed as if there was more to Leah than just being someone Arizona once slept with. And Alex. God.
Catherine was with Richard, and now was looking even more confused - evidently did not like the idea that her husband may have gotten back someone that was not supposed to be rehired in the first place.
And, now it was all starting to become a problem.
Before Catherine could even make a rebuttal, Richard was quick enough to cut in - "Well, it seemed like perfect timing -"
"I thought you fired her because she wasn't cut out to be a surgeon?" Arizona eyed them, and Catherine surely had heard enough as she instantly whipped her head around to where Richard stood, expressing a sense of dismay towards her husband even more.
Hell, Amelia would have too - being reminded that Arizona was also part of the board, which also gave her the right to have a say in every decision anyone would have made at the hospital.
And by the looks of it - it seemed as if the decision to hire Leah back had not been previously discussed with everyone else from the team.
But Richard proved his stance, as he maintained the sense of firmness in his tone as he tried to explain.
"She did the work to prove me wrong and the Foster's residency director said she excelled there, and I think she deserves a second chance." He nodded his head towards Arizona to add further, "Well, don't you believe in second chances?" He asked, and Amelia wanted to laugh at that - and back at Arizona because it had been nothing but a simple question and yet Arizona was now sporting a hideous look on her face, and Catherine was still standing alongside Richard, wanting to comment on that as well too.
"No." She emphasized, eyeing Webber once more, and began to walk away - leaving him with an also displeased Catherine Avery behind.
-x-
No.
It was technically not a no.
Not as if Arizona said the exact words, but it wasn't a yes, either and there was that.
And Amelia felt confused, for a moment - followed by the uncomfortable and persistent thumping of her chest because she was not sure if she played her cards right as she felt Arizona pulled away. As if last night or the years they've walked past - let alone the simple confession Amelia made a few seconds ago, never mattered.
She thought they were going somewhere - thought that they were in a better place now, but maybe she had read it wrong - all over again. And she hated that, hated herself for putting her in this position.
But Arizona had been so nice, too nice - that Amelia also couldn't help but proclaim how much she was lowkey, a jerk at this very moment because it was very clear that she had no intentions to hurt her, and yet, she somehow did.
It wasn't her fault when she had every right to feel different. Had she known this would have been the outcome after all these years she spent thinking about Arizona then she should have never even bothered in the first place.
To spare herself from all the pain that she now had to face because again - it was not a no, but most certainly wasn't a yes for Arizona either.
She stopped to think that though, that Amelia should not wallow in this much resentment, shouldn't be that person who'd blame the other for simply telling the truth.
"I-I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to –" Arizona momentarily closed her eyes, genuinely feeling sorry - when she shouldn't. She shouldn't have apologized when she was only being honest.
Amelia heavily wanted to imply that she shouldn't be held accountable for her own misplaced feelings, but she couldn't seem to speak. Almost felt as if she was going to be sick because God , what were the chances that it would still be a no - even after all these years, even if they had both been uninvolved for a quite a while now, practically living in the same place, living in the same moment - with almost the shared oftentimes, ill-fated circumstances..
"No. Sorry, that was -" A synthetic laugh erupted from her, and it surprised her how she still even had that ounce of energy to respond - because God, it just hurts, literally everywhere. And she didn't even know that was possible until Arizona happened. "That was… to be clear, I don't normally do this - I mean, you'd be the first to… Forget it." She was literally on the verge of crying because now she was making a fool of herself, so not only had she been rejected, but also had been a major embarrassment in front of Arizona.
How she struggled to find the right words - but what she really wanted to say was that there was nothing to be sorry for, in fact - she was actually grateful for Arizona. Because she had never known what to do then when she had always been shitty when it came down to processing her own feelings.
But Arizona came around, and suddenly - all Amelia ever wanted was to work her way to being able to make sense of her feelings right, dealing with them in a manner where she'd allow herself to put words in her actions.
And Arizona had been the first.
The first one she has ever chased.
Though the outcome had been different, she was still indebted for letting her live her moment in being able to finally say what she wanted to say to the blonde surgeon. Words and genuine intentions that had long been overdue. And even though it hadn't been expounded well and there was more that she wanted to say, at this time - it felt enough.
She knew the situation begged her to feel miserable, but she had always used sarcasm as her coping mechanism and at that very moment, she felt it pulling at her leg - and she also wanted to add that it had also been her first time to be rejected by anyone. But all the kudos to her, because Arizona had managed to do all that, respectfully.
She swallowed the bitterness forming in her throat as she sensed that saying all these words out loud would do more harm than actual good. "Amelia, I've known you for the longest time and I –" She reached out to place a hand on her arm, and it stung - hurts even because she had high expectations that tonight would take a different turn. Yet, Amelia guessed - a comforting hand to hold her was all she would ever get. "I respect you so much, and I only want what's best for you."
Bullshit.
She wanted to proclaim how in the world could Arizona even think to know that?
You don't know that.
You don't know anything.
Another thought she held bitterly because Arizona being too damn respectful wasn't helping her either. She wanted to know the real reason why because she knew in herself that she could take it.
But could she really, now?
There was just so much she could handle, and she figured - maybe not tonight.
Because she already had this feeling that maybe deep down, she had always known what Arizona's reasons were. Maybe she was still too afraid to admit that she wanted none of her because of her past and Amelia knew Arizona had every right to repudiate.
It wasn't her fault. Honestly, she would have said no to herself, too.
-x-
But what Amelia didn't know - was that it once hadn't been a no.
For three consecutive nights - a year ago
It had been a yes.
1
When Arizona had been too honest and caring, and she was practically unbearable and damaged - because Derek died, and Meredith was attacked - and she badly wanted to feel something, and when she thought resorting back to old habits could be an option to fix that, fix her.
When she had a brief relapse a few months back, she felt alone more than ever and realized that maybe she had never really processed Derek's death well. How she lashed out at Meredith because Meredith had been there when she couldn't for her own brother on that day he died. And how she took it against her, that Amelia had intentionally avoided her responsibility that day she needed a consult because she resented her, only for it to bite her back right in the ass because they almost lost her.
How it scared the crap out of her, not knowing how she'd even begin to come home to tell Maggie and her three kids that there was a possibility that they'd lose Meredith all because of her negligence.
She knew none of it would have happened, had she done what she was simply asked. How a neuro consult could have somehow saved her and prevented Meredith from being placed in harm's way.
But it happened. Moreso, it was her - who somehow made it all happen, and she hated herself. Despised, and just lost every ounce of keeping hope afloat, because she caused this. And she thought what better way to make sense of everything by unintentionally no longer making the effort to stay sober.
So she drank and drank a lot.
Because Meredith was at the hospital, and she had no means to stop her. And even if she'd been able to control herself, she knew damn well that she still wouldn't be able to face Meredith after everything that had happened.
And Maggie was too busy looking after the kids because she was a great aunt - while she was rather… unavailable because she had the habit of making everything difficult.
And while everyone else had been occupied, worrying over Meredith, it still somehow blew her away how an Arizona Robbins could still manage to do both as she worried over Meredith and had the audacity to look after her, regardless of the number of times Amelia tried to push her away.
She closed her eyes, with the hopes that the consistent pain in her head would subside.
When it failed, she continued to walk instead, taking a few more steps because she knew the couch in the living room would somehow catch her. But there was also no denying how she had also been dizzy, as the effects of the alcohol she consumed were hitting her all at once at full speed.
Amelia badly wanted to let it all happen.
To pass out right there and then, but the thought had been slowly intercepted when she felt a strong pair of arms wrapped around her shoulder, with the other, around her waist holding her close. Instinctively, she wanted to pull away - because she knew she'd only be giving that person a hard time. To pull away because she didn't deserve any help that anyone should even begin to give her.
She pried herself away from the sudden contact, only to be held even tighter by the same person and it infuriated her even more.
Because it had been a long day, and she needed to be alone, Amelia peered her eyes to confront the person but somehow softened when she looked back and all she saw was blue.
Piercing and concerned blues staring right back at her.
Of course, it'd be Arizona.
"What are you doing here?" Amelia began to ask, evidently annoyed as Arizona gently placed her down on the couch.
"A thank you would have sufficed." Arizona flippantly replied as she swooped down, right on the carpeted floor to remove Amelia's shoes and it drove her to an unnecessary vexation even more.
"Can you not?!" She sighed, running a hand on her hair - "I don't need your help."
But Arizona had been stubborn as she went on to do the needful by removing her shoes, to get Amelia more comfortable, "Says the person who was too incapable to drive herself home, let alone - walk straight." Arizona gazed her head up, as she eyed her carefully, masking the tone of frustration in her voice.
"You should have left me alone in there."
"And have Joe clean up your mess? Amelia –"
"Why are you here?" She had managed to ask in a raised voice, eyes filled with so much unexplained rage with a mouth that could not be stopped because she was mad at Arizona - for caring so much... "I never asked for you, never asked for anyone - and yet here you are, thinking you are in the position to fix me ."
Sober Amelia would have winced at her own words, but she had less to zero capability of thinking straight, even if she had been in the wrong.
And she wanted to take the words back because Arizona meant well and she wanted to tell her that she had the habit of lashing out when she had too much to drink. But she was done apologizing for who she was, and she was exhausted from seeing people try to fix her because maybe, just maybe - she didn't want to be fixed.
Maybe this was all she'd ever be.
And everyone else should have to accept that.
Derek died, and so did everyone she ever loved - Christopher, and Ryan, her dad at a young age, Meredith was still at the hospital fighting for her life, and she knew she should have been there for her, but she couldn't - when she was also in the brink of fighting for her own life too.
For some goddamn reason, Amelia still existed, and she didn't know why - when the pain had been unimaginable, and history had fucked her over plenty of times as it had the habit of repeating itself. How she lived her life, only for her to keep losing anyone she had ever loved.
And life had been so unfair, that she badly wanted to give up - give up to the idea that one day, everything that had happened to her would magically make sense, how everything happened for a reason, and all that complete bullshit any impassive person would say.
Maybe, it all had been easier for them to say the words - because they never experienced losing anyone.
"There's a difference in trying to fix you, and in being there for you." Arizona spoke, and Amelia wanted to tell her how her words did things to her - if she weren't drunk enough, she'd entertain the sincerity, "I'll be whatever you want me to be. Just, please… There's no reason for you to do this alone."
"I'm self-destructive, heedless, and selfish - I'm all kinds of wrong, would you still want to be with me tonight?"
"Yes."
-x-
2
Arizona had been gracious and kind, selfless - and all the best qualities anyone would ever want. And Amelia didn't know how she could repay her, how instead - she had managed to make everything even more difficult for her. Because Alex had been busy looking after Meredith, and so, Arizona stepped in to handle his department, and when Maggie and Alex had surgery, she made sure she had the means to make herself available so there was someone who could look after the kids, while at the same time, balancing her responsibilities as a mom for Sofia and with her work.
And at night, she belonged to Amelia.
Not in the way anyone would think.
Because Arizona would be the one to drive her home after a long night at Joe's, would fight off any form of resistance she'd get from Amelia, who'd be there to patiently listen to her babble despite her drunken state, and would be the one to lead her to her home, and into her bed, would take off her shoes and coat because Arizona loved doing the extra mile even to those who didn't deserve it.
So there they were again, in Amelia's room and she was now lying in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, willing herself not to sleep - despite how everything seemed to be hazy at that very moment, and so she sat up. Braced her arms underneath her for support, as she went on to look back down at Arizona instead, silently doing her work, unzipping her boots to get her comfortable.
She wanted to tell her how the sight made her heart soar because no one had ever done this for her. But she chose to stay silent instead because she assumed Arizona was beyond frustrated and exhausted from cleaning up after her. "I'm sorry." Amelia went on to say, "I don't know how to –" She willed herself to say more, yet failed - because her actions need not be justified.
"You don't need to apologize." Arizona heaved a sigh, as she got up from the floor to lean towards Amelia in bed, gently pulling her coat off of her. "Get some sleep."
Amelia lets her, but before she could even watch her leave - she reached forward to grab hold of Arizona's arm, putting her back in bed with her. She didn't know what drove her to do that, but she was definitely sure that she didn't want to be alone tonight.
"I know I've been a lot - but, can you stay with me tonight?" Amelia cleared her throat, shaking her head disapprovingly at herself, knowing that she was already asking too much and so she rephrased herself. "Until I fall asleep?"
Arizona didn't respond, but instead - she got up from where she sat to turn the lights off.
The room had been partly pitched black with the exception of the lamp post giving room enough light for Amelia to see Arizona taking a seat back on the bed, removing her prosthetic leg. Amelia took the hint that Arizona didn't want her to be seen, and she wanted to assure her that there was nothing for Arizona to be worried about. That she wanted to say more, but at the same time - somehow taken aback by Arizona who was now lightly pulling her back down in bed with her. How she was still drunk, but her senses had been heightened now more than ever, as her heart raced because this was the first time they would share a bed together.
She wanted to badly keep it in her memory and yet she was afraid that in this state where she was, might tell her otherwise, as she'd wake up not remembering not one little bit of what this night held.
Together they lay in bed in silence, and it amused Amelia how they had the mutual decision to stare intently at the ceiling instead. She pulled her arms across her chest, and when she tried to breathe - it made it even harder for her to recuperate because she'd only have Arizona's scent overwhelm her senses.
Amelia tried to distract herself, and so she blurted out a few more words, hoping it could drown the anxiety that has built up ever since she laid beside Arizona. "How did you cope when you lost your brother?"
She remembered him because of Mich, because they weren't together then when he died, but during their first date - the name Tim was all Mich heard from Arizona, and all Amelia heard from Mich during that night. How Mich went home with a smile imprinted on her features because the night went well, and Arizona had been charming and sweet - and proclaimed to Amelia that she kissed like nobody else, and was drawn to how much Arizona loved her family.
Including her brother whom she loved the most. How a part of her died with her when he passed - and she thought in a way, she somehow could relate to that, as she too, learned to live through all the heartbreak of losing the first man she ever loved at an early age when her dad died.
But what Amelia didn't know was how she would encounter the same fate, losing Derek, years later.
Now she did want to know why she asked because she and Arizona were different. Evidently, different.
But Arizona was there with her. In the moment of her weakness, when she thought she was capable of being alone - when it turned out, she couldn't, so now, she wanted to grab the opportunity to ask.
"Donuts. Like just… lots and lots of donuts" Arizona casually replied, and Amelia scoffed - because of course even in the moment of sorrow and loss, the very essence of Arizona's personality would still linger in something as peculiar and bright as having donuts as a coping mechanism for her.
"So… donuts ? Like, you just… ate them?" She tilted her head in amusement, putting herself in a fetal position as she faced Arizona, and she could feel her eyelids getting heavier with every minute, and it may have already seemed as if she was only mumbling the words now as she fought against her drunken exhaustion. "Did you get better after you… ate ?"
"It doesn't. It never gets any better… losing the one you love." Arizona heaved a sigh, as she continually explored her features with searching eyes and Amelia wanted to pull away, because being close to Arizona, made her intimidated - but also brought a profound comfort to her, so she laid still. "Do you feel better when you —"
And Amelia stopped to think about what Arizona said.
All the booze and drugs that she took - did it ever help?
Did it ever help, make up for the loss she had - for losing her dad, losing Christopher, Ryan, and Derek -
Was it all worth it?
To have the people left behind pick up for her?
She felt the bile rising in her throat as she thought of all the bad things that resulted from her actions. How in the end, it was not her who only suffered - but the people who claimed and believed that they loved her, and stayed for her - too.
"No. It doesn't." Amelia managed to say. And she wished that Arizona wouldn't ask why she'd still take them, because even Amelia clearly didn't have an answer to that.
An act of impulse? To feel something?
Because she assumed she had always been indestructible, that nothing could break someone who had already been broken up inside.
Her thoughts had been silenced when Arizona placed a comforting hand on the side of her cheek and gently caressed the side of her face as if it were all that mattered to her. "Okay… I'm glad it doesn't."
Amelia felt relieved, and she honestly didn't know where Arizona got it. The insane amount of patience of listening to her without ever having the fear of being judged. Being there for her, when surely she had somewhere more important to be - because who would rather spend a night with someone like her?
"Have you ever lost someone other than your brother?" She asked instead because she didn't want the night to end.
Amelia loved Arizona's company, and tonight just proved that there was nothing she didn't want about her.
"Yes."
-x-
So, she lost someone.
A miscarriage. With Callie.
And she didn't know that.
So, when she opened up about Christopher - both Amelia and Arizona found themselves in tears in bed, because losing a child was a whole new level of pain, that no one could understand better than someone who lost just as much - and when Arizona pulled Amelia in for what she assumed was only for a brief hug, Amelia found herself wrapping her arms tighter around her waist because she didn't want to let go.
She never cried herself harder that night, and she could feel how Arizona's heart raced with her - as she felt a kiss being pressed on her hair for comfort.
With the feel of Arizona's soft press of her body behind her back and the constant assurance that Arizona provided - Amelia finally lets sleep take over her.
It felt like a weight had finally been lifted off her chest.
And she wished Arizona was still there the next morning, so she could properly thank her.
But the morning turned the exact opposite, when she woke up with an empty bed, having no clear memory of what happened the night before.
3
Tonight would be the last night. She thought.
Tonight she'd make a decision to put an end to everything.
Meredith was alive, and was in the process of recovering - and she wanted to be the best version she could be before she could even leave the hospital.
She'd go to AA meetings, get help from Richard, get all the help she needed - tomorrow.
Because tonight, she somehow managed to still get drunk.
And she was beyond pissed at Arizona, for being relentless, for somehow still having the ability to show up in the rarest of times she needed someone because she was already being advised that she'd be kicked out of the place if she persisted in asking for more.
So she revoked her resistance, and decided to stay and do whatever she pleased - realized that the nearest bar might not already be an option for her as she assumed it had already been closed as well.
She lets Arizona watch her flirt with a guy she just met because she can.
Let her simply watch as Amelia pulled the guy to the dancefloor. Allowed him to roam his hands around her body as they danced. Let the moment and the booze take over because she felt that being immersed in that state gave her the pass to do whatever she wanted.
And she didn't know how to make sense of it - of Arizona, of how Arizona just lets her - How it drove her to half insanity how it all seemed obvious even from afar, that the guy had expressed intent of taking her home - and Amelia waited for Arizona to make a move, and to drag her out of the bar, because she knew for a fact that she would never allow this to happen in the first place.
But she did - because Arizona was still sitting patiently at the far end of the booth, doing absolutely nothing but look at Amelia and back at the guy.
Aiden, his name was Aiden, and Aiden was cute and his breath reeked of alcohol and was already being obnoxiously loud Amelia may be drunk, but knew well enough to pull away because his voice was already starting to bother her.
She stopped to think why there was an irrational need to be angry at Arizona for doing nothing.
When she was actually the one to first pull away.
When she was the one who raised her voice when Arizona politely requested if she could drive her home, just a couple of hours ago - and Amelia fought back, and pretty much said a lot of hurtful things to Arizona that she knew she didn't mean then - which she now regrets. And Arizona again, - lets her talk to her like that, silently accepted everything Amelia had said and personally chose to remain her distance, but not close enough to actually leave her alone.
So - if there was anyone to blame, it would have been Amelia.
Not Aiden. And most definitely not Arizona.
But she could, though, begin to blame - Andi.
Andi from Path. Tall, great smile Andi - who was unnecessarily pretty with well-kept blonde locks whom Amelia previously worked with on a consultation three weeks back.
That she had only left Arizona's eyes for a second to pull away from Aiden only to find out Andi had already made her mark, as she now casually sat right beside her on the far end of the booth. She didn't know it was even possible that she'd feel provoked when she never had the right, to begin with - but she was already getting exasperated at the sight of Arizona acknowledging Andi's presence, and how it was all damn easy for Andi to make her smile.
The music was just too loud to even be able to comprehend what their conversation was about, and she wanted to drown herself in the noise because maybe the feeling of being unreasonably begrudging may somehow dissipate but couldn't.
No matter how much she danced around, without Aiden now because she finally came to a conclusion that she didn't want him, nor anyone.
That she briefly entertained the thought that what she really wanted was just sitting right across from where she stood. The one she pushed away.
But Arizona couldn't be bothered now, because she was with Andi - and Andi was already pulling out her phone, believed to have already requested for Arizona to input her number.
Amelia badly wanted to tell her that she lacked game, that she'd never get Arizona as she wasn't Arizona's type - because she flippantly sensed that she preferred brunettes, given that Mich and Callie were, too.
That she could well enough be Arizona's type, but she left that thought in the back of her mind as she knew well enough that tonight was just a testament that Arizona may never want her.
Arizona would definitely want someone else entirely though. Someone who got their shit together, and someone who would not lash out on her - and Andi may have seemed like a perfect fit for not possessing either, but Amelia wouldn't just have it. Have her take her.
She trudged herself towards her and felt Arizona may hate her for it had been evident that she didn't need any saving. But Amelia had seen enough to throw her into a whim and do something.
Amelia stopped right in front of their table, in the midst of their shared laughter - she went on to ask,
"Hey, Arizona? Yea- I think I'm ready to go." The audacity to barge in, and to ask her when it had purely been against her will to leave earlier made her sick, but she still had managed to have her pathetic mouth of hers to ask. Watched as how the abrupt remark confused Arizona, how Andi furrowed her eyebrows hard - and crossed her arms across her chest, because she may have wrongly assumed that Arizona went alone.
"D-Dr. Shepherd, I didn't know you were with… Dr. Robbins, " Amelia wanted to roll her eyes, wanted to say that Andi could fuck the formality and be done with it - but she didn't. She flashed a smile towards her instead, watched how Arizona did not even think for a second to question her - as she only nodded in agreement, and turned her gaze towards Andi to give her an apologetic smile.
"Yes, I actually am. So next time I guess - Andi? I'm really sorry –" Arizona proposed, and Amelia didn't know if Arizona was genuinely interested, or was it just another moment of being forced into being nice.
She didn't let Andi finish her though, as Arizona got up from where they sat, and Amelia took pride that Arizona gave in - even if it was something that Amelia had not rightfully earned, to begin with.
"O-Oh. Yes, sure, Dr. Robbins - it was a pleasure." She reached out to give Arizona's hand a firm shake, and Amelia already had both of her knuckles deep in her pockets as she fought the idea that Arizona may have been genuinely interested in her. Someone whom she had just met a couple of minutes ago compared to someone whom she has already known for the longest time.
Did being a brunette even matter to her anymore? It was a lame, shallow, and baseless thought but God, she felt sick of herself to know that Arizona was still capable of making her jealous. When the last time she ever allowed herself to be that way was back when she was still with Mich, and that had already been a decade ago - so where was this coming from?
Where was this all coming from?
They walked together in silence as Arizona led the way out of the bar, and she tried to distance herself from the thought again - the possibility that she was jealous because she had once been there before and it never really worked out well for her.
Arizona was a friend, and she came to a conclusion that was all they'd ever be the minute she stepped foot in Seattle. But she could already feel her head throbbing and she didn't know if it was still because of the booze or how she had once again, been overthinking as she started to slow down.
Arizona was quick enough to walk back towards her, wrapping an arm below her waist and the other around her shoulder to support her as she led her back to her car.
Maybe that pretty much summed up everything.
How that swift action pretty much answered all the questions she had; of why Arizona could still somehow make her feel jealous, of how she insisted her feelings towards the blonde had already died the minute she witnessed how she broke Mich then. — but the feelings were still really pretty much really there.
Arizona drove them back to Meredith's place, and Amelia was again - starting to lose her temper as she struggled from getting out of her car.
Arizona could only sigh as she managed to still help her through everything. Led her to the front porch, had the keys to the front door - and knew where to hang Amelia's coat.
Together they walked towards Amelia's room, and she wanted to question - how Arizona knew where everything was, how she opened the door and didn't even second guess where the light switch was.
How she worked in motion as she guided her to bed, how domestic and easy it all seemed for her, to untie the laces of her shoes and knew her way to find the set of clean towels Amelia would often hide in her second drawer to wash her face for.
She was drawn once again to Arizona's sense of urgency, of being quick on her feet to support her - how she looked at her, and Amelia could never really seem to second-guess anything Arizona would do because she never gave her any reason to be one.
She was, as always - and still the Arizona that she once felt attracted to, liked — fell in love with.
Arizona took a seat right next to her in bed, and just as she was about to use the damp towel to wipe the side of her face. Amelia held her arm, preventing any movement in all means - to fully take a look at her.
She thought maybe it was how she sat close, how Arizona's breath touched her lips, and how her scent had again clouded her senses - or how she looked after her tonight… How she consistently showed up in times she thought she didn't need anyone. And though some parts had been unclear for her for the past three nights, she knew the only thing that remained constant was Arizona.
So - she didn't stop herself to think anymore when she felt herself leaning forward.
That when Arizona was about to question her why she abruptly blocked her arm away from her - Amelia only responded with a deep and slow inhale as she leaned forward to briefly kiss her.
And God, it barely had even been a peck - but was it really what it was like?
To kiss her?
She sensed that Arizona may have been surprised, surprised didn't exactly cover it - when Amelia too, was somehow taken aback by how she was able to do just that. How for years she had thought about this moment, but had been constrained by all kinds of circumstances that occurred to them —
She waited for Arizona to pull herself back, and when she didn't, she instead, sat frozen in place - and Amelia watched as her eyelids fluttered, how her gaze briefly dropped down at Amelia's lips and how she unconsciously bit her own.
"Amelia —" she warned, tone slightly deeper and different - almost intimidating, compared to what she would normally hear from Arizona. She cleared her throat, trying to dampen the awkwardness of the situation yet failed.
Could feel that she wanted it.
Just as much as her.
And she knew that just by how she looked at her, how her words were in contrast with her actions - because Arizona was still not pulling away.
Amelia could only whimper at the sight when she realized she wanted more. She found herself momentarily closing her eyes, leaning her head towards hers - as she raised her hand, softly skimming her fingers across Arizona's lips. "I've always wanted to kiss you." She admitted - finally. Tears threatened to let out because how many times had she thought of this before?
To be able to find the right words and to do as much?
How many times had she wished she was Mich?
It felt good to finally verbalize things out loud and thought that the possibilities are limitless - when she can do and prove Arizona so much more.
She felt the blonde's sharp intake of her breath when she slid her free hand upward, tugging at the collar of Arizona's blouse for support. "I've always thought of that sound you'd make if I'd put my mouth on you." And she could sense Arizona's hesitance, no situation begged to tell her this was all justified - but in the back of her head, the thought lingered that she'd never come close to doing this, sober.
It never crossed her mind that she'd be able to do all this - sober.
"Amelia — you're drunk. This wouldn't be fair… don't." She grabbed ahold of her arm, gently prying her hand away from her grasp on her collar. Shaking her head, "Don't make this any harder than it already is." Arizona pulled a ragged breath, but still managed to reveal a small and timid smile. Amelia remained hopeful by that, even when she knew it was wrong - and that Arizona had every right to turn her away.
It wasn't right but it felt right.
How could she begin to explain how that was how Amelia felt? Because she could no longer contain herself anymore, not when she had already waited for years - and how the ache just only grew stronger.
"Have you thought of this before?" She asked. Trying not to sound hopeless when she did, drowning the desperation laced in her voice because it all seemed as if they were finally heading in the same direction.
"Let's not do this - please," Arizona begged once again, respectfully - as she squeezed her eyes shut, running a hand in her hair - she could feel her holding herself back. How she saw Arizona clenched the sheets of her bed hard, causing her knuckles to turn white.
But Arizona should know too, that it had also been too tricky for Amelia to slip past the sight of how Arizona's cheeks flushed and how her moist lips had already parted slightly, uncontrollably inviting.
Amelia could no longer contain the urge to gasp again at the sight because she had been used to staring at her - that she never thought that there would come a time when she'd finally be able to do more.
"Arizona."
"What else do you want me to say, Amelia?" She stammered, half enraged and riled up. Arizona furrowed her eyebrows as she raised her shoulders to silently prove her point. " Of course, it has always been a yes . . But it's more than that. You're more than this - to me… a-and it's more than just — wanting to do all this... With you. "
And that was enough reason for Amelia to do it all over again. As she once again, enveloped her arms around her neck to capture her lips to her own to properly kiss her this time. Arizona could only groan in response, as she felt her kiss her back, and managed to run her thumbs around her ribcage to pull her closer to her. Amelia cocked her head to the side, as she slanted her lips against Arizona's. Slow and intimate, because she wanted to relinquish every moment of their kiss. Their first.
Amelia mindlessly swiped her tongue across the seam of Arizona's mouth, prompting Arizona to let out a soft gasp and a guttural moan that vibrated through Amelia's whole body. Amelia clawed at her chest needily, keeping her in place. and the other locked on the underside of Arizona's jaw as she continued to kiss her.
She felt her stomach drop when Arizona returned the favor, as she tentatively ran a tongue across her bottom lip as well, parting her mouth slowly for her. She loved how she tasted, drawn to the sound they both made when their lips would press against each other, over and over, until she felt her lungs already burning - gasping for air because it turned out Arizona was more than capable of making her breathless and more. "We're going to have to talk about this." Arizona's tone remained firm even in between their kisses.
Amelia felt her hand drop from her waist as it landed on her thigh, holding her steady. And as much as she wanted to kiss her all night, wanted her hands to land on places she wanted all over Arizona's body, there was still no denying that her body was already starting to double-cross her as fatigue began to consume her. Amelia pulled back slightly, knowing that this was how the night would end for them. It was enough, and Amelia may have already exhausted her requests - but she badly wanted to keep Arizona all by herself, which was why showed no reluctance when she also went on to ask, "You'll stay over tonight, right?"
Arizona finally pulled away, finally opening her eyes. She looked at Amelia with so much intent, so much care, almost looking concerned with a hint of amusement drowning in her blues, and Amelia couldn't help but beam at that. "Whatever you wanted."
-x-
The three unspoken nights that occurred a year ago had just confirmed how much Arizona wanted her.
Unwaveringly in contrast to what they were now.
Why had it been a no in Joe's - stemmed from a lot of reasons that Amelia didn't know because truthfully, she never remembered most of the events that happened in those three nights.
This also begged the question, why hasn't Arizona said anything?