Amelia didn't know how exactly she survived the night that Arizona turned her down.
Maybe it was because she had been through so much that she was already immuned with the hurt. She tried to remember how she was the same Arizona she knew from Hopkins. It should have made everything clearer for her to hear that it was still a no.
So many thoughts raced in her head as Arizona drove her home, and it stung - the fact that she couldn't even look back at her. How she could feel Arizona silently pleading to meet her gaze with every stop, in between traffic. How Arizona's palm would land on her thigh every now and then - and Amelia could only do so much but sink further on the passenger seat. Because she couldn't afford to touch her, let alone, entertain anything that would involve the blonde.
There was an unexplained sense of nothingness that filled her, and at that very moment, Amelia wanted nothing more but to wallow in that.
She heard Arizona sigh as they finally made their way back to Meredith's place, Amelia watched as Arizona unbuckled her seatbelt to be able to have the means to fully face her.
Amelia thought it was her sign, to finally put an end to the night they just had. She skimmed her fingers across her hair, downplaying the look of defeat that might have been slowly showing on her face. "Well, this has been fun -"
"Amelia. " Arizona began to say, lips pursed - evidently grappling to find the right words.
Something settled in Amelia's chest, a tiny spark of unearned rage that drove her to snap. Because tonight felt like it had been a broken record, of Arizona being too damn respectful, without giving her any reasons - and she thought, at least she deserved to know the why. So she finally could stop - put an end to all the feelings she ever had for her.
They were not going anywhere.
Literally.
A decade later - still led them nowhere.
It made her look back at the thought she had about Arizona that night she took her home. That she was technically a nobody. A colleague. A friend of someone she used to date. The one who had managed to save Herman's life.
Amelia was still, literally a nobody to Arizona beyond the walls of Hopkins - even Grey Sloan.
"Fuck . Can you say something else - besides my name or being sorry, just this once ?" She blurted, and it had been evident that Arizona was taken aback, as her eyes widened - her mouth slightly hung ajar as she swallowed hard.
Maybe she thought wrongly about Arizona - maybe there really was nothing special about her, because if there were - she wouldn't have sat there like a complete fool waiting for her to speak up. God, it had all been exasperating - draining , to say the least, waiting for someone who still felt unsure.
Maybe she was still thinking of Callie, or maybe it was Amelia's past that bothered her - whichever it may be, she knew she was absolutely done waiting around.
She could no longer afford to be that same person who waited around for her at Hopkins.
Amelia thought she deserved more.
If she was going to turn her away from what could have been, Amelia deserved - at least an explanation, but Arizona was still not giving her anything.
For the first time, she looked as if she had been left too stunned to speak, confused - surprised, Amelia couldn't care less anymore and so she hastily got out of her car, without saying another word.
-x-
1
"There's a difference in trying to fix you, and in being there for you," Arizona spoke, and Amelia wanted to tell her how her words did things to her - if she weren't drunk enough, she'd entertain the sincerity. "I'll be whatever you want me to be. Just, please… There's no reason for you to do this alone."
"I'm self-destructive, heedless, and selfish - I'm all kinds of wrong, would you still want to be with me tonight?"
"Yes."
In her head, she thought - it wouldn't have hurt to ask.
Her cheeks had flushed to a shade of red and Amelia was unsure if it was because of the alcohol or Arizona. At that moment, and despite how intoxicated she looked - she knew it was the latter. Only Arizona could make her feel that way.
But she should have stopped there - should have sat her mouth shut in contentment with her response.
Then again, she was Hurricane Amelia for a reason, she'd trudge forward causing chaos - because she can. "Why?" She slurred, unwillingly - wanted to get a clear answer despite being too plastered for anyone's liking.
Arizona tilted her head, returning the question - almost scoffing, "Why, what?"
It was a dangerous territory - challenging her. But there was a rush of excitement of being dauntless. She had too much to drink, and she'd never imagined doing any of this sober, and maybe she just wanted to hear Arizona say something more than just surgical cases, God, Amelia was done with work.
'Talk me about Hopkins, instead.' Because it had all been too shameful for her to just magically appear back in her life and have her sit and talk her down about Herman. They walked around and worked back in motion as if they just met right there and then, letting the past fall behind.
'Talk to me about that moment we had in the kitchen sink.' Because Amelia was sure she was this close to kissing her and could feel that Arizona wanted it as much as her - but she was with Mich, so fucking evidently with Mich, as Amelia heard the exchanges of "I love yous." after a long night of lovemaking Amelia endured hearing from them.
Who was she to tell them that it made her want to die?
They had the habit of letting things slide past them, should she even miss out on the part where she second based her in Mich's room? Or how she saw her half-naked with Matt Andrews in the supply room? The look that Arizona gave to her - how she had the audacity to look in pain for what she saw with her and Matt together. Was there any meaning behind it or was it only what she wanted to believe?
That something was there - but neither was afraid to say anything then because Mich happened.
There had never been a follow-through on anything that had happened between them.
Hell if it weren't either of those, Amelia wanted nothing more but to have Arizona talk to her about her life. Everything that she missed, because surely she'd been through a lot, she only knew the bits and pieces from Meredith and Alex but never the in-betweens of it all.
If she could just talk to her, if she'd let her, but Amelia was rather getting too aggravated and impulsive, frustrated to the point that she didn't even let Arizona respond to her own question.
Arizona was still there with her, caring for her like crazy - and she hadn't been this way towards her since Mich - and maybe it was still Mich, even if it had been years. Maybe she was still that stuck-up for being too nice. "You know what - you don't have to do this. Mich is not here anymore, you don't have to look out for me - anymore."
A slight frown contorted in her features, the audacity of Amelia to even ask, washed all over her face - as she crossed her arms. "Why'd you think I'm doing this for Mich?"
"You've been very clear that everything was for Mich then - putting up with me, having me sit through all your stupid dates… In that supply room closet, you said you were looking out for me because of Mich. You've been very clear about this." She rebuffed. Amelia was actually surprised that she managed to let that out - without any hesitation, let the words flow with a tinge of spite. Watch how Arizona bowled over because what were the chances this would be Amelia's response?
Arizona looked back at her, revealing to be astounded to speak. Arizona looked away with an unreadable expression on her face, and Amelia flinched thinking she went too far. But Arizona peered her head up once again, in pure disbelief, as she narrowed her eyes - could feel her fingers twitch, and Amelia sat completely still - anticipating her words to bite back at her. "There is no Mich. There's only you, Amelia." She admitted, in the most soft-spoken and genuine tone, that Amelia thought her heart just leaped off her chest. "And in case, you haven't noticed - for the past months, there has been no one else, but you." Arizona's look had been filled with so much yearning, with a half shake on her head - as her eyes heavily implored, how Amelia would never get it. It was the very first time she had witnessed her be this honest – vulnerable, and yet so sure. She'd only seen her this way with Mich, and briefly with Callie - when they were still married.
But with Amelia?
She was expecting a trivial response, anything more than what had been said - expecting Arizona to pull the Meredith card because Meredith was at the hospital, and Derek died, and knew she needed someone. But Arizona simply let the truth out, and Amelia could only wish she had said it earlier when she was sober and capable of making responses that were coherent. Because right now, she somehow still couldn't think.
"Robbins - what the hell are you saying?" She asked, blatantly getting impatient because she was already physically tired, and inebriated and she wanted nothing more but a quick shower and to sleep, but there was something about Arizona that was making her want to stay put to wait.
There was a pregnant pause, a look of longing from Arizona that she blinked hard to shake - it was there, Amelia could tell she wanted to say more, but at that moment - Arizona seemed as if she was barely treading water. "C-can we not tonight?" She managed to say, heaving a long sigh as she hunched her shoulders slightly.
Amelia narrowed her eyes, almost looking as if she was scrutinizing the response. Willingly wanted to tell her why she couldn't give a clear answer to a question as simple as that. Then she thought maybe it was due to exhaustion - because it had been a long night, of Arizona basically dragging her out of the bar, and pulling her back to Meredith's place. Maybe it was just that.
"Okay. Fine." Amelia waved both of her arms as if in surrender - she was not one to put up a fight either after the night she just had. Who was she to demand for more, when she'd made the whole night rather intolerable - because she once promised she'd never resort back to old ways, and yet - here she was, yet again.
She let Arizona pull her up from the couch as she swooped her arm around her waist, to support her as she led her back to her room. Amelia tried not to get lost in Arizona's scent, or how her fingers grazed her bare skin when her shirt pulled up slightly - it all had seemed possible, until she remembered what was said, carried so much meaning, and it brought her back to that very moment
"There has been no one else but you."
Amelia could only hope she'd remember the words by the next day- because frankly, the feeling was mutual.
It had been mutual for the longest time.
Amelia could only wish she was sober enough to tell her that.
2
"Have you ever lost someone other than your brother?" She asked instead because she didn't want the night to end.
Amelia loved Arizona's company, and tonight just proved that there was nothing she didn't want about her.
"Yes."
So, she lost someone.
A miscarriage. With Callie.
And she didn't know that.
So, when she opened up about Christopher - both Amelia and Arizona found themselves in tears in bed, because losing a child was a whole new level of pain, that no one could understand better than someone who lost just as much - and when Arizona pulled Amelia in for what she assumed was only for a brief hug, Amelia found herself wrapping her arms tighter around her waist because she didn't want to let go.
She never cried herself harder that night, and she could feel how Arizona's heart raced with her - as she felt a kiss being pressed on her hair for comfort.
With the feel of Arizona's soft press of her body behind her back and the constant assurance that Arizona provided - Amelia finally lets sleep take over her.
-x-
Not for long, when she remembered being awakened by a light kiss on her forehead.
Her brain was still rather hazy from the night before - and when she peered her eyes a little, she could easily tell that it was barely even morning and she was not alone. And it had only been merely a few hours since she drifted off to sleep.
Amelia tried to simmer the sudden urge to panic - for not having a clear memory of what took place, as she abruptly sat in bed only for her eyes to soften a little when they landed on a familiar face.
Right, she was with Arizona.
It was Arizona who drove her home and had put up with her shit the night before – she remembered a night of hard drinking, how she fought harder for Joe to still offer her more and how Arizona intervened and took her back to Meredith's place. Respectfully, in a manner that brought a bitter taste to her mouth, because she was not usually the type of person who'd make things more difficult than they should be.
But here she was with Arizona, and Amelia also briefly remembered that she had been gentle and caring because it was the first time she also felt seen - when Arizona opened up about the brother that she lost, and donuts - and a miscarriage, that she didn't know about with Callie.
And she realized that they had known each other for the longest time, but didn't actually know her to a full extent- as they'd never been the type of friends who share anything, nor were they even considered friends - in the first place.
Her head was throbbing like crazy, and she could feel the bile forming in her throat - but she couldn't manage to do anything else, but stare - everything seemed to be moving at a fast pace and so she blinked slowly to regain her vision, taking a deep breath.
Arizona had tied her hair up in a bun - and was swiftly putting her coat back on when she finally met eyes with her. She ineptly wanted to tell her how hot she looked in a messy bun, or how she wanted to proclaim to Arizona that she was a keen observer. That she was drawn to the sight of Arizona biting her bottom lip every now and then whenever she was doing something important.
But she chose to do neither, as she simply sat up to watch her. "You should get some sleep, Amelia."
She wished Arizona would stop caring too much for once - but Amelia knew Arizona was like that to literally anyone - and she was not an exception.
But last night, they managed to sleep in the same bed and bore unspoken truths of life and shit that they both went through that were hard to swallow for the most part, at each other. And the kisses on the head had been brief and platonic but heck it all felt - different.
She made her feel special.
And Amelia thought she could get used to it.
Because, why not?
She didn't know why tears welled up in her eyes, as she ran her fingers across her sheets to further distract herself from an impending breakdown.
"Why are we not together?" she implored softly. Amelia figured she'd shared so much last night, why stop there?
She saw how Arizona stopped what she was doing as her mouth slightly hung open - caught in surprise, revealing a smile that never really reached her eyes. "You really want to ask that at –" She smirked, briefly glancing down at her watch to check the time - " – 5:30 in the morning?"
Amelia raised her shoulders, tilting her head on the side to a slight extent. "I don't know – I just think we'd be good together." She remarked with so much honesty, that it was not like there was more she could lose. And so fuck it, really.
"You think so?" Arizona looked seemingly satisfied, squinting her eyes in amusement. She made her way back to where Amelia was, taking a seat beside her in bed - and Amelia surely could not escape the whimper that let out her mouth because Arizona was just too beautiful up close and she thought it was something that should have been said more.
"I don't think, I know." She drew the line there, ghosting her fingers across Arizona's arm - thinking she'd have more composure if she looked anywhere else but in Arizona's eyes. "Well, I know for a fact that you have a type, though." She shrugged, and it was followed by a laugh from the blonde.
"I don't have a type –" She contested, raising an eyebrow in confusion.
"You really want to go there?" Amelia smirked, eyeing her deeply, "Ms. Bilingual Brunette?"
Arizona's eyes widened as if she was caught doing something that was inappropriate and that got Amelia to laugh as well. She thought of Callie and Mich - and she assumed Arizona had dated a lot more before she even came to Seattle. "You know too much." She muttered, rolling her eyes and Amelia couldn't seem to stop laughing, seeing how flustered Arizona was.
"I mean - Robbins, if that's your criteria for judging, I get it… I think I somehow fit the bill 'cause I'm obviously a brunette - and fun fact: I speak German, fluently." Amelia extenuated, a crooked smile on her face because it turned out there was an inexplicable joy in teasing her. And the alcohol hasn't really left her system yet so the feeling only just magnified from there.
"Well, that I didn't know, Dr. Shepherd." She winked, Amelia was so caught in the moment that she was totally unaware of how her fingers are still mindlessly skating across Arizona's skin - making their way to her arm and now settling on the crook of her neck, and she only had managed to sigh when she felt Arizona squirmed beneath her touch. "It wouldn't have mattered anyway - but thanks for letting me know - "
Amelia scoffed, a bit annoyed - "Wow, how dare –" Before Amelia even thought of pulling her hand away, Arizona caught hers in a brief second, looking at it intently before leaning in to place a soft kiss on the palm of Amelia's hand. "You are my type." She replied before she could even let her finish. "I need you to understand that there's no criteria, no checklist - that you think I go through… you're so much more to me than you think." Arizona smiled, and at that moment - nothing really mattered to her, and Amelia felt so caught up in how she assured her, and how it made her want to do somersaults in the air if she were able. She felt Arizona lean forward to delicately push Amelia's shoulders back to bed.
Amelia was so engrossed with everything that just happened that she suddenly forgot how warm and inviting her bed used to be and that she needed all the sleep she could get as she had scheduled surgery in a couple more hours. Arizona was rather too occupied tucking her in bed, almost as if she was a child and for the nth time - all Amelia thought of was how she could get used to this.
"Is this the part where you kiss me, though?" She bit back the yawn that wanted out, as watched how Arizona towered over her form, pulling the sheets to cover Amelia up. She stifled a laugh, with a modest shake of the head.
"Haha – no." Arizona pointed out that when she was finally satisfied with how the covers had fit Amelia, she crouched down once again to tuck a loose strand on Amelia's hair. "This is the part where you get the rest that you need –"
"But I don't want to sleep," Amelia admitted, not in the state where she was. Not when she knew there was so much more that they both needed to talk about. But she had no means to keep her, they weren't anything, and Arizona had work and had Sofia, and co-parenting with Callie, and the fact that she was also overseeing the peds department because Alex was still looking after Meredith, and there she was as well - drowning in her own battle. There was so much that was going on that she was scared shitless of forgetting. "I'm scared that I won't be able to remember anything else, Arizona."
"Then take that as a challenge - if you'll remember the next day, we'll talk."
She badly wanted to stay awake, but her eyelids begged to differ as she was again consumed with exhaustion. She lets sleep take over, allowing Arizona to kiss the top of her head for the last time - when she closed her eyes, she knew Arizona had already left her room as she heard how Maggie had greeted the fetal surgeon as soon as she heard the door fly open.
-x-
Amelia had already hoped too late that she could at least arrive at an empty place when she was greeted by Maggie at the front door. "Was that Arizona in the driveway?"
Amelia also hoped she didn't ask too many questions. Exhaustion was already becoming an understatement, and she just needed some space - and as much as she loved Maggie, even her mere presence was the last thing she was actually looking for at that very moment. But, she nodded anyways - as she fished out the keys of the house to the nearby bowl and hung her trench coat from the other end of the pathway. Maybe if she would simply nod as a response, Maggie may eventually get it.
But Maggie had been consistently persistent, as she had done the same just a few hours back when she introduced them to Leah Murphy, and Amelia was beyond exasperated to even ask why she hasn't stopped badgering her with other more questions. "Why don't you invite her over for dinner? We have some leftover pasta in the micro –"
"I'm not inviting her over for dinner, and she has somewhere else to be -" she lied, and there was something uncomfortable that settled in the pit of her stomach when she said it - but she wanted to be alone, and she had been hastily discarding her clothes as she made a beeline towards her room but Maggie had also been following her, not too far from behind, seemingly distressed as if she was the one who got into an argument with Arizona and not Amelia - a few minutes ago.
"So if you're not inviting her over for dinner, then I assume - she's not going to be spending the night here?" Maggie tentatively asked, and Amelia couldn't be bothered by how she narrowed her eyes to her as if she was somehow caught in the middle of an interrogation.
Amelia huffed as she changed into her sleepwear, because of course , Meredith had already shared what she saw earlier that morning of them sleeping in the same bed, with very special guest appearances of her kids as well.
Amelia had rather grown accustomed to getting caught under compromised situations. It was not the first time her sisters had ever seen her take someone home - but of course, it had also been apparent that Meredith surely left out the part that last night had been different. Because Arizona was simply a friend who needed help. The same way Owen looked out for her when she was caught under the same situation - when they were somehow 'sort of' a thing a year ago.
Maybe the circumstances had been different because she was in love with Arizona and not with Owen - but it was also another detail that she'd sure to never bring up with any of her sisters.
"Don't worry, last night was just a one-time thing." Surely, because she fucked things up with Arizona earlier - and she honestly had no idea how else they'd go on with their lives at work the next day after she literally walked out on her. She was really not in the mood to think about any of that right now. She slumped towards the bed, shifting to a more comfortable position, and when she was no longer preoccupied with holding the sheets closer to her chest, she looked up only to find a perplexed Maggie at the far end of the bed.
"Amelia Shepherd - you can't be serious." She responded in a firm tone, and Amelia could only do so much as she rolled her eyes, also bemused by the fact that Maggie looked slightly offended. As if she was somehow more affected by what happened between her and Arizona, and it got Amelia thinking how likely had her sister gotten closer with Arizona, because she surely can't be – "Maggie, it's late and I have surgery tomorrow–"
"Last night wasn't the first, did you forget? Arizona had stayed over a few times before."
-x-
3
The music had been way too loud for her liking, and she should have already taken that as a sign not to level in with the noise. But her impulse still had told her otherwise, as she chose to pick a baseless argument with Arizona at the entrance to Emerald City Bar.
More like just Amelia doing all the talking, and Arizona simply just nodding in understanding - because she wouldn't let her finish, and they've been at it for the past few minutes. She didn't know why she was frustrated; at Arizona, at their situation - or if she was likely mad at herself. Because she still didn't know how she ended up in Joe's when she mentally promised herself that the night before was already her last.
She didn't know how to stop, torn - with the idea that maybe she had always known how and that it was only out of a pure will that she wanted to keep going. There was so much to be frustrated about - and it made her skin crawl, made her want to revert back to old ways because she needed the release - to feel something. Which she had, a couple of hours back - which was also the reason why they had already taken her keys and had been advised to stop giving out anything.
At that moment, she didn't care how Arizona saw her. She knew better, but she was not exactly in the right mind to comply just yet because everything about Arizona was driving her crazy.
She thought if she pushed her away then she would eventually get the message that she didn't want her. She didn't need her, she was more than capable of handling herself well even if she too also had the feeling that Joe was already thinking of kicking her out of the bar.
"You never really give up, don't you –" she replied indignantly - half slurring, as she crossed the arms of her chest. Arizona could only do so much but slightly frown, deep lines revealing on top of her forehead because it was already late, and Amelia knew she deserved to be anywhere else but here, and yet here she was still looking after her. Amelia figured everyone else had either given up on her or had been too occupied with Meredith who was already in the early stages of recovery.
Sober Amelia would have thanked her, would have simply let her take her home without putting up a fight - but the more that Arizona was there, the less she became rational. The more she would likely say a whole of other things that would only get them nowhere and damage the relationship (if there was any) that they built the minute she came to Seattle.
"Amelia, please." She implored with the best intentions, almost pleading and Amelia should have already taken that as her signal to stop, "Don't make it difficult —"
She cuts her off, and something in her just snapped all of a sudden. For some reason, each look Arizona would give her, reminded her of Mich and how she left her. She thought about everything that happened the minute she left for Seattle - how she personally had to pick up the pieces for Mich, the assurances that Amelia gave her that brought no bearing but she continued to give all that she could because she wanted Mich to be okay more than anything. "Or what, will you leave?"
Because Mich was the closest thing that she had as a family in Maryland, and Derek was unavailable and even if he weren't - he was still not an option. Even more, her sisters. And Mich was the only one who got her, and who had kept her sane, and she wanted to do just as much as her for Mich.
"Because isn't that what you've always been good at? Bail - when things get difficult?" Amelia spat, unfaltering and in the cruelest way possible. She didn't know how she was able to muster the energy to say more, "You left Mich because it became difficult for you, and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if that was the same thing you did with Callie." she pointed out. Arizona caught the bottom of her lip with her teeth, and Amelia knew she drew the line. Watched as how it was taking everything in Arizona to oppose, but she stood there - rather unfazed, taking all the hits and blows as if she concurred.
"And you like it don't you? – it's the thrill you get, when women would chase after you, feeling like you have the world in the palm of your hands, that you could do anything - without realizing you're already hurting people."
None of it was true - maybe the Hopkins resident out of her would have said it. Because that was what she felt then - with Arizona. But not now - not when it all had been irrelevant for the past few years. It was the perception that she had about Arizona when she left Mich, but she has then grown to understand that she was more than the person that she thought she used to be. They weren't the same person they used to be back in Hopkins.
Nevertheless, the damage has already been done.
She had already let the cat out of the bag, and she wished there was a way she could stop herself, but it all seemed as if her brain had a mind on its own. It was unjustifiable, really - but there was no undo, no do-over as she was left with no choice but to watch as Arizona winced at her words, and as to how she momentarily closed her eyes when Amelia finished off. She thought it was the end line for her, if she literally made her way to Seattle to piss everyone off - she had done the same and argued with Richard who was only trying to help before, and so did Owen - and now for some reason, she thought it would be convenient to target Arizona this time around.
The tension was very much palpable, but it only resulted in Arizona's silence - looking as if she was somehow lost in thought, palpably affronted, and yet there was nothing that Arizona was able to do but nod. "I deserve that." She faltered, she briefly closed her eyes - as she opened her mouth once again to explain herself further, waving her hands dismissively. "I-I used to be this way to Callie before, and I hated myself for it. I truly understand where you're coming from, and I'm not picking a fight with you –"
There was a pang she felt on her chest, bustled by how she had managed to hurt Arizona in the most harrowing way possible. It was unwarranted, everything that she had managed to do towards her. Maybe it had been a long time coming - not when it had been something that she had already felt before but was not given enough room to process everything because she gave way for Mich then. Who she was to Arizona was irrelevant then.
Because Mich was the direct hit, who went through so much worse - given that it was their relationship that Mich worked so hard to build.
Amelia absolutely had no bearing.
And she had always been that person who would always find herself stuck on the sidelines.
Maybe it had always been more than that.
Maybe the real aggravation was that Amelia still felt as if she was still stuck on the sidelines, beyond - and generally speaking. Being left behind, having accomplished so much, and yet still feeling nothing. Gaining wins and yet losing almost everything. She realized maybe what she was going through right now had nothing to do with Derek's death or everyone who had left her before him, or Meredith, more, what happened with Arizona and Mich. That was all on her. Had always been about her and her own demons, because who else was sane enough to stay for her, when she had already given up on herself, too? Amelia's jaw clenched, shaking her head in an unspoken acceptance. "Okay, good. Then - just leave me be." She finished, walking past Arizona to pull the entrance door of the bar from behind - leaving her completely as she made her way back inside.
-x-
But Andi showed up - and seeing her with Arizona almost felt as if she was slapped right on the face. Amelia knew she asked for space, and when Arizona gave her just that - everything once again seemed confusing for her. Got her thinking of what she really wanted to happen because it all had been a series of bad decisions with a lack of clarity, fueled by impulsiveness on her end.
Amelia still couldn't pinpoint a clear answer, but all she knew for sure was that seeing Arizona with Andi was definitely not it.
So she threw it on a whim and made shit up so she can have an excuse to drag her out of the bar. Regardless, if it was contradicting everything that she stood up for with Arizona earlier. Even if Arizona needed not to be saved from Andi, even if she thought Arizona was better off without Amelia.
So they left, and they remained silent the entire time Arizona drove their way back to Meredith's place.
She personally watched Arizona and how Arizona didn't give up on her - as she looked after her, knew where everything went, the way Amelia wanted it to be in her room, and understood her without making the intention of changing her. Had been genuinely patient, and never turned her back against her regardless if she had every right to. Even right up until the moment Amelia realized what she did, and how Arizona gave her the assurance that there was nothing to be sorry for - when it all had been evident that she at least deserved an apology.
It got her thinking again of what she really wanted - and all her head could come up with was Arizona. Still, hopelessly - Arizona even if she didn't deserve her. Even if Amelia didn't know how to verbalize everything that she felt for her ever since. In her head, she fucked all the what-ifs because at that moment she felt like kissing her and so she did.
So she made sure that she took all the time needed, pouring her all when she finally had the guts to pull Arizona in for a kiss. She wondered how she even had the composure to sit her feelings out all these years if this was how capable Arizona was of making someone feel so damn special. How she kissed her, and held her with so much grace and the tentative touches filled with so much passion she gave, made Amelia want to die. She didn't want to stop. That when Arizona would pull away, her instinct would instantly tell her she shouldn't. She wanted more. Shamelessly.
-x-
They were in Amelia's bed, and it was the first time that she was held closely by Arizona - slow and filled with so much curiosity. And Amelia loved it - how Arizona could make her feel like she was simply set ablaze. How every fiber in her body would throw her on edge as Arizona's touches bore so much depth, and how her eyes would give away everything else she wanted out.
She was still intoxicated, her head was still pounding too hard and she was struggling to stay awake because she didn't want to miss the moment of Arizona's arms around her. How her delicate fingers would make their way across her face, taking in all of Amelia's features with so much fascination.
No one has ever held her like that.
No one had ever been forbearing.
Arizona's gaze had been filled with so much intensity and yet she had remained her solace in between the chaos that was her life.
"You're so beautiful. Everything about you is - and it makes my heart leap with so much joy everytime you look at me." Arizona implored with so much honesty, and Amelia wanted to scoff - because, of course, it was definitely something that Arizona would say - but it definitely hits differently.
To personally hear this from her for the very first time, when she barely got anything out of her over the years.
So, she was beautiful in her eyes - and she had the capability of making her happy. There was so much comfort in there - as it fought off all the insecurities and doubts Amelia ever had.
Amelia hastily propped her elbows on top of Arizona's head, as she entwined her body on top of hers. She wanted to tell her just how Arizona could make her insides stir up so easily, feeling the warmth of her body seeping through her clothes, and how her core was starting to ache because she badly wanted her.
How there was also that inexplicable pride she felt when she managed to pull Arizona's blazer off her shoulders earlier - to have the means to roam her hands around more. "I feel the same way about you," Amelia remarked, as she gingerly pulled one strap of Arizona's tank top off to kiss the smooth expanse of skin that was concealed. Arizona could only sigh in contentment, as she felt her writhing beneath her. Arizona arched her back, palpably desperate to feel more as she veered her head to the side to reunite with Amelia's lips. "God, I want you," Amelia whispered in between her kisses, mindlessly bringing her hand up to Arizona's breast without a second thought, giving a firm squeeze that resulted in a whimper from Arizona, which Amelia also silenced with her mouth.
"I know – I want this, too." Arizona sighed against her lips as she softly pulled back. Amelia loved how her pupils had blown, with her face all flushed and lips that had already turned into a shade of red and swollen. "But this shouldn't just happen overnight. There's just so much work needed to be done - with me, and I-I thought about what you said about me earlier and I–"
"Forget about what I said. I didn't mean to –"
"Amelia, even if you didn't mean it - everything you said about me was true." She looked at her knowingly, running her hands gently across Amelia's shoulders, keeping her in place as she lay still atop Arizona. "And you have Owen -"
Her eyebrow creased, with a half shake on the head - because Owen is Owen. He was nice, and safe, and knew what he needed to say to make her feel better. But everything about him was just… different
There shouldn't have been any comparison - but there was just something that didn't sit right. And so when he asked for a chance, she couldn't bring herself to commit.
When she told her a few days ago that she was not ready, the only truth behind that was - she was still somehow reeling with what happened with Herman, and feelings about a certain blonde that she couldn't shake which unexpectedly stemmed while Amelia was saving her life. "We're not together."
Arizona tentatively nodded, licking her lips - before bringing her head up once again to reason with Amelia, "Then I want to really take my time with you if you'll have me." She said firmly in a heartbeat, she perked her head up, a smile painting her lips which also resulted in Arizona's dimples showing, " I don't want hook-ups and out-of-a-whim makeout sessions on the driveway or in the on-call room."
"I have feelings for you. And I'm not one to really put up a fight when I know it's there." She added. A silent moment lingered between the two of them, and when the words finally hit Amelia - once the unspoken truth had settled. There was nothing that Amelia was able to do but nod, prompting a silent "oh" from her mouth, to downplay the feeling of how she felt her heart soar, beyond relieved and enraptured with Arizona's declaration.
She slightly pulled back, having a clue of where this was all heading. An eyebrow was raised, followed by a playful smirk. She wanted to add more to what Arizona said, bore what she had continuously tried to bury during their days in Hopkins but Amelia had already learned her lesson the hard way after the incident that happened a few hours ago at the entrance to Joe's bar. Arizona deserved to know the whole truth, and she planned on doing that completely sober and when she had already been given enough time to wrap her head around what this night held for the both of them. She must have spaced out when the silence had been responded to with a laugh from the blonde. "What's so fun–"
Arizona never really allowed her to finish the sentence off when she wrapped her arms firmly behind her neck to plant a kiss on her lips, which only deepened as she parted Amelia's mouth once again with her tongue. There was that insane rush once again that consumed her, making her dizzy and breathless - because Arizona had dropped her arms behind her neck to bury a hand on her hair and the other to cup the side of her face. She pulled back slightly to change the angle of her head as she nuzzled her nose on the crook of Amelia's neck. She thought it was already the end of her when Arizona inhaled deeply, taking in Amelia's scent, followed by something she felt that was wet and soft - all together, because it turned out that Arizona was now lightly tracing her skin with her tongue, and there was nothing that Amelia could do but moan uncontrollably, rather a bit louder than she expected. Her body shuddered and Arizona had eventually clutched around her waist to keep her steady. "Arizona, please." She begged, followed by a shameless groan - because she was never really one to beg - but Arizona had been so keen and thorough in giving her everything, that she felt as if she was about to combust.
Arizona giggled, "Shhh – you're going to wake them –" a loud knock vibrated through the wooden door, followed by a gasp in surprise from Amelia, pushing the hair that was falling from her face in annoyance as she continued to tower over Arizona's body. "up." Arizona finished.
"Amelia?" Maggie asked from the other side, and Amelia flinched - having forgotten that it was way past the kids' bedtime and she hadn't been able to control her moans that must have already echoed through the hallway at this point. She was about to respond when Arizona brought her hand up to cover her mouth, eyeing her.
"I think that's my cue to leave," Arizona admitted, as Amelia rolled over to fall back in bed Arizona sat up once again, leaning her back against the headboard. "I have a scheduled surgery at 7:30 and I'm supposed to pick Sofia off from Callie's – "
"Of course, go." She nodded in understanding, in full support feeling more relaxed to know that they would eventually have all the time they would talk later on. She had been keeping herself from dozing off to fatigue that she had already lost track of time, and she knew that there was so much more that needed to be done anyways, especially when it comes to herself.
She thought about the AA meetings and Richard Webber, and Meredith - and it brought her back to the reality that she had to face, and it got her worried but too long enough as Arizona pulled a hand on her cheek to face her, "I'm here for whatever you need."
"I know." She smiled, tilting her head in acknowledgment. There was something about what tomorrow held that made her feel hopeful. Arizona's face slowly turned serious, as a sly smile etched on the corner of her lips. "Promise me, you'll remember?"
And Amelia hadn't really given much thought to what Arizona meant - and was never really given the chance to respond when Arizona hastily had to get up and leave, before leaning forward to plant a kiss on her forehead for the last time. She sank deeper under the covers, and she felt like a helpless child as Arizona tucked her in. When Arizona had already turned the lamp off - it made it all entirely difficult for Amelia to fight the resistance from letting sleep take over. The resistance never really lasted long, as she felt her eyes closing on their own and the last thing she saw was Arizona's back towards the door that had been opened by Maggie from the other side.
-x-
"Last night wasn't the first, did you forget? Arizona had stayed over a few times before." Maggie blatantly replied, almost expecting as if Amelia knew, when she barely had any idea exactly what she meant. If she was referring to last night, it would have made more sense - but a few times before was the one that had been said, and one that lingered in her. A detail that sat uncomfortably on her chest, making it too difficult to think about anything else. She didn't exactly know how to respond to that, and when she thought Maggie would take that as a sign to give her the full context, her eyebrows shot up as she shrugged - entirely changing the subject as she squared her shoulders. "Anyways, did you get that email from Chief Bailey about a meeting with a consultant she hired to help Richard with the residency program?"