a/n: inserted a few some partly AU-ish flashback scenes from 7x3. would recommend a rewatch if you've forgotten. hope you'll enjoy! please let me know what you think. :)

-x-

"Last night wasn't the first, did you forget? Arizona had stayed over a few times before." Maggie blatantly replied, almost expecting as if Amelia knew, when she barely had any idea exactly what she meant. If she was referring to last night, it would have made more sense - but a few times before was the one that had been said, and one that lingered in her. A detail that sat uncomfortably on her chest, making it too difficult to think about anything else.

She didn't exactly know how to respond to that, and when she thought Maggie would take that as a sign to give her the full context, her eyebrows shot up as she shrugged - entirely changing the subject as she squared her shoulders. "Anyways, did you get that email from Chief Bailey about a meeting with a consultant she hired to help Richard with the residency program?"

Amelia hardly slept the night before and Arizona was partly responsible for that.

In her head, she kept thinking it was solely because of Maggie. Because Maggie said things that were foreign to her, and she knew her. Maggie was never one to make a mistake.

Even if Amelia hardly remembered anything about what she shared. Even if she found it hard to believe the detail she let out about Arizona, and how she had stayed a couple of nights over then.

She was not one to forget, hadn't she? Not if it was all she ever wanted from Arizona.

Then again, Amelia thought about Arizona, and how she had barely gotten anything out of her because they had never been friends, to begin with. They were merely just two ships passing by, and the closest encounter - was with Herman, and Amelia couldn't even fail to count when Derek died because she remembered that moment briefly when Arizona went out of her way to be with her, only for Amelia to push her away. So even if Maggie had never been wrong in her whole life, even if Maggie's memory was sharper than hers - Amelia still came to the conclusion that she still found it all hard to believe.

That didn't stop Amelia from wondering all night though.

And even as they made their way to the hospital the following day, it was all pretty much what she was thinking about. From the ride to the hospital, to the attendings' lounge - only one thing had remained consistent, and it was Amelia's thoughts about Arizona and Maggie's constant blabbering about the consultant Bailey hired that they were about to meet in a few minutes.

Amelia couldn't care less if she were being honest.

She wished she could skip the meeting if she could, then again what was her excuse? It was not like she was choosing to skip just so she could talk to Arizona.

Amelia dared to bet that the night before was their very last encounter. If she were being frank, she also didn't know how else she could face Arizona after she called her out when she never really had the right, to begin with. Not to mention, how else could she start a conversation with the person who literally friendzoned her? There was no workaround, there was no excuse - they were over.

At least that was her assumption when Meredith and Maggie went ahead, and she was the only one left changing into her scrubs at the attendings' lounge. How she was so occupied with her own thoughts that she wasn't aware that Arizona had already arrived from behind, and had her gaze transfixed at her bare back while she got dressed almost half the entire time as Amelia fixed her belongings. That when Amelia was done, and already had her hair tied up - she turned around and briefly met eyes with Arizona who hurriedly just left without another word.

If that was all they'd ever be in the next few weeks - Amelia didn't know how else she'd survive. But she made the call.

This was something she had to live with.

-x-

They were all seated at the boardroom now for the meeting in which Bailey also shared that the consultant may be a few more minutes late as she was still meeting up with the residents. There was no issue with that, she learned not to be too impatient in the past few years, but having Arizona sitting across the table, was also something that she couldn't afford.

Which explained why she was visibly looking agitated with each passing minute, fidgeting with the pen that she had in her pocket because there was nothing else she could do. Maggie must have sensed her discomfort as she felt her knee bump her thigh from underneath to call her attention.

"Okay, what is the matter? You've been acting all weird since last night." She pointed out, and of course - that got the blonde surgeon looking at her as well from across the table. Amelia swiveled her chair closer to Maggie to fully face her, a slight implication that it was a conversation that should only stay between the two of them, without her having the need to be involved.

Arizona let out a breath, a slight shake in her head in half understanding and half frustration, as she got up to take the vacant chair farthest from where they were. And look, Amelia didn't even have to respond - it was all Maggie, who somehow put the pieces together as she felt her hand graze her thigh again in a firm squeeze. "Did something happen between you and Arizona?"

"I – I don't…" She briefly opened her mouth to speak, but eventually closed it when her words failed. Amelia chose her words carefully, surveyed the room, and noticed how it was taking everything for Arizona to not look at her. A flash of hurt pained her eyes, looking back at how seemingly perfect everything was between them yesterday. She thought if she even made the right choice of saying anything, as she realized she also ruined her one and only shot of being her friend.

They weren't exactly the type who allowed themselves to take the time to actually know each other. It was how they'd always been. Maybe they were better off being simply wired that way.

Maybe she shouldn't expect too much.

It wouldn't have made any difference, anyways - she thought. And so, with a light shrug off her shoulders, even if she felt as if something was sitting atop her chest uncomfortably right there and then, Amelia managed to lie and act as if nothing was a problem.

-x-

Fall of 2010

Derek.

Right, she came to Seattle for Derek.

Because they had some unfinished business, and he wouldn't return her calls, and he went through something traumatic - a fucking shootout at a hospital, in which was something she never thought was possible. But then again, it was another added salt to the wound. The memory of Derek's grip around her shoulders almost suffocating her, as he tried to stop her from going after their Dad who got shot mercilessly over a watch he couldn't allow himself to give up, because it was given by their Mom.

Amelia was still caught up with losing her own damn mind about how it all happened, and how she felt helpless for not being there - the guilt consumed her, and kept her up most nights, because once again -there was nothing that she could do then, and even now for Derek.

So she flew, all the way to Seattle - and on her flight, she met Todd. Perfect, cute, and not to mention a great kisser Todd, whom she also spent the last half of the hour panting heavily against the wall of the aircraft lavatory, Todd.

Todd whom she also discovered had a pituitary tumor.

Ameli thought it would have been nice to bring a man with a brain tumor as her peace offering with her brother. Because they weren't exactly the regular kind of siblings who would extend an olive branch by just bringing a box of chocolates or a bouquet of flowers and Hallmark postcards to make the other better.

And she was feeling slightly nauseous about Derek, and of course - maybe slightly about a certain blonde whom she hadn't seen for two years. The same blonde who happened to be working at the same hospital where her brother worked, and one that she had thought of over the years, a mixture of emotions - whether it'd be safe to admit that she missed her in spite of the past she had with her roommate.

She didn't know how to pace herself - but all she knew was that anything that didn't involve her brother, should be completely none of her business.

Hell, she couldn't even say nor even think of her name out loud. But the thought that she'd once again be confined in the same space with her, in a place with her and Derek's people, brought her to an unsettling edge. Which also explained why she met Todd in the first place.

She needed the release.

So she met with Derek, thanks to Mark - whom she also just realized as someone she also missed, and finally met Meredith for the very first time. For the slightest moment, she was happy, having to meet almost everyone Derek worked with, and finally having faces on what once had just been names spoken through brief conversations over the phone.

She was trying so hard to get Derek to actually have a decent talk with her that she failed to notice the slight gust of wind that crept hastily from her behind. That when she quickly turned her head around to check who was responsible, she saw a doctor with Heelys who skated past the nurses' station where she was at, with tresses of now slightly longer and darker blonde hair cascading past the shoulders who turned left towards the farthest corner, disappearing completely out of sight.

Amelia's heart clenched, briefly closing her eyes with hopes that it was all just a dream. She didn't have to keep guessing who it was, didn't need any confirmation from the nurses who were stationed at her front. The faint scent of strawberries and soft florals lingered, even if she had already left, she knew it could only be Arizona.

-x-

Her name was Eliza Minnick.

A double-board certified orthopedic surgeon, who specialized in sports medicine and was also an educational consultant.

Amelia thought she was a replacement for Callie because it had been months since she left and they badly needed someone to handle her department. But from the looks of it - it seemed as if she was only hired to assist Richard with the residency program. That explanation alone raised a lot of questions from the staff in the room, and Amelia sat there wondering - if there was even a problem with the residency program that needed fixing until today when they've decided to hire her.

There were so many brief exchanges of confusion and reluctance between the doctors, mostly just them looking after Richard. The unexplained need to protect him was there.

So many questions were left unanswered, mostly from Jackson as it seemed as if it was another decision that was not brought out to the board. Amelia turned her glance towards Arizona, part of the board who seemed just as lost as everyone else.

But Bailey was Bailey and was already speaking relatively fast, and before Jackson could respectfully raise his own question - Eliza had already worked herself up to speak in front and went on to introduce herself to the team.

Weird. But, Amelia wasn't allowed to stay any longer as she should as she was already being paged to the pit.

So she'd deal with that, deal with Maggie - and if she was lucky, maybe she can deal with Arizona later on, too.

-x-

Her name was Callie Torres.

Calliope.

As Mark emphasized - which also earned a hard nudge on his shoulder from the orthopedic surgeon, claiming how Mark was well aware that there was only one person who was allowed to call her by her full name.

And God, she was so beautiful and perfect. She had such a brilliant smile and her personality was to die for, and Amelia could have sworn it was the first time she ever met a female orthopedic surgeon, and she found that so damn sexy and - and…

Then she remembered what Mich said years back, about Arizona finally having met someone at this very hospital. Who pretty much matched all the qualities Mich ever mentioned about Arizona's new mystery woman and with the woman who was standing right in front of her now? From her well-kept, raven hair and basically a really "hot ortho-chick" as Mich had put it.

There was no denying that this was the same woman she was pertaining to. And honestly?

For Amelia having met Callie just now -, there was no question why Arizona would have liked her. Amelia had barely sparked a conversation with Callie, but she already felt so drawn to her. Callie had been cool and funny in her own way - and her shorthand banter between Mark had been nothing but adorable and entertaining to say the least. Without a doubt, there was nothing that she didn't like about her. No matter how she had despised them in the first place, the initial reaction to hate was because Arizona had finally moved on with someone who wasn't Mich back in the day.

Up to this day, Amelia still was unsure if she was jealous for Mich, because it surely would have been too embarrassing to claim that she was actually the one who felt jealous.

She couldn't bring it to herself to admit it. Not when she didn't mean anything to Arizona.

"And you said you were from Hopkins?" Callie asked, and Amelia caught the bottom of her lip hard, almost forgetting where they were. She dug her fingers deeper into both sides of the back pockets of her pants. Nodding in agreement, she could instantly tell there was a follow-up question to that. "Oh wow - well my girlfriend was from Hopkins, she's –"

So they were still together.

It was not a hook-up as she and Mich initially thought.

They were still together, and they pretty much seemed serious - unquestionably, because Callie was perfect.

"You tell Robbins to meet with us right now." Mark flippantly remarked, "You'll like her. She's the new head of peds."

It took everything in Amelia to keep her mouth shut.

Because she didn't want to face the blonde, she also didn't want to be rude. She wanted to make a good impression in front of Callie, and yet it was taking everything for her to keep herself from falling apart.

At any minute she could have Arizona walk in right in front of her and Amelia would still have no fucking clue on what she would do with that.

But thank God for Callie, who had been unbeknownst to her - a lifesaver, "Arizona's in surgery right now but I could page her to meet us up afterward –"

It was rude to interrupt, it was a no-brainer - really, but Amelia knew exactly where this was all heading, and it definitely was not something she signed up for when she decidedly paid a visit to Seattle. "You know, that won't be a problem - I'd be in surgery with Derek all day anyway, so I guess –"

"Oh c'mon, so soon?" Mark interjected, and he was giving her a look. That look where he'd narrow his eyes and curl his lip whenever he had connected the dots over something.

She practically grew up with Mark around, and she had learned to acquaint herself with every look, every move, or frivolous remark he'd make. She didn't want to get ahead of herself, and so in the end, she no longer bothered to challenge Mark about what the look that he just gave to her really meant.

"Yeah. It was nice meeting you, Callie." She added, giving one last smile and a firm shake on the hand, leaving the two surgeons without further ado.

Fuck.

It was the worst of times to throw in some unnecessary phrases that were all too relevant to say out loud because of what just happened to the hospital a couple of months back but God, it felt like she dodged a bullet there…

-x-

She had just finished off surgery and Maggie and Meredith was still stuck at the hospital with their own duties, and she was tired, from not having enough sleep from last night, and after long hours of surgery, and assistance at the pit. Amelia thought it'd be best to head home even if that meant she'd have to book a cab alone, having only carpooled her way to the hospital with her sisters earlier - but the universe felt as if it was playing some sick game with her when she was met by Arizona at the parking lot.

"You heading home?" Arizona asked, a slight tilt on her head as she acknowledged her presence. She was leaning against her Volvo, with both of her hands tucked neatly in her trench coat. Something about the sight twisted her heart. It felt like coming home.

Only if the situation begged to differ.

It was their first conversation since last night and it only had been a few hours, but Amelia was sure to say that she missed hearing her voice.

God, how was it possible that she still had it bad for Arizona, really?

She knew what Arizona would say next, which was what prompted her to lie - "Y-yeah, I just booked a ride - "

"Cancel it," Arizona replied, in the most direct and inscrutable way. And oh, oh - so she was mad for what happened last night because Arizona had never been the one to be obstinate.

She had every right to be feeling that way, but Amelia had always been keen on putting up a fight so - "Excuse me?"

"Let me drive you home." She said simply.

Amelia found herself frowning at that. She did want to talk to Arizona, wanted to have the time to apologize, and to personally tell her to forget about last night. That they could go on with their lives and act as if nothing happened, but no - it all seemed too difficult to do that now because so much had already been saying. "I don't think that's a good idea," Amelia admitted, the instinct to leave crawling under her skin was just there, and Arizona was not having any of that as she pushed herself forward from her car, to make her way to where she was.

"Last night you wanted me to say something more than just being sorry, so I'll give you just that. Let me take you home."

-x-

The ride back to Meredith's house was relatively silent. Not until Arizona had already pulled up her car on the driveway. Amelia thought that Arizona had played her because she promised she'd talk and yet she barely had gotten anything from her all throughout the drive from the hospital to their home. She removed herself from her seatbelt and got out of the driver's seat with a still-confused looking Amelia left at the passenger side. She met eyes with her as soon as she was out, only to make her way to the front of the car to open the car door for Amelia.

Arizona was leading their way towards the front porch, and Amelia still didn't know why she had walked around as if Meredith's place was hers and not the other way around. She was about to pull out her key to the house, when Arizona once again - went ahead of herself, pulling out the key underneath the 4th potted plant near Zola's bicycle, where Maggie had kept it for emergency purposes.

She couldn't recall a time when she told Arizona exactly where the spare key was. And so, she was led all the way to the living room thinking maybe she got that from Alex. Arizona's face had been nothing but unreadable, but she knew exactly what she wanted to do, where she wanted to go, as she closed the door from behind and faced Amelia - gently tugging at her sleeves to remove her coat to hang it back at their coat rack in their living area.

And she unconsciously lets her. Even if she still has been left muddled, watching Arizona do all the work for her. As Arizona took her wrist, and led her all the way up to her room, and knew exactly where the light switch was, briefly remembered how her room's light switch peculiarly, was the first thing that threw her off when she first moved to Meredith's place because it was located somewhere unusual. That anyone would have to walk blindly for a few steps, to get to where it was, just under the shelves.

She didn't remember sharing that with Arizona at all.

Before she could even ask, Arizona was now pulling her back down to the bed - and as she took a seat right in the middle, Arizona had now crouched down right in between her legs - and the memory of her in an oversized sweatshirt, with Arizona on her knees loomed back into her, the familiarity of being swept over the same feeling overwhelmed her.

Only this time around, Arizona simply was on her knees because she wanted to remove her shoes for her, and she still didn't know where this was all heading— but it had all been too much. "When will you stop —"

"When will you remember?" She snapped, without beat - looking back up at her, eyes rimmed with what seemed like faint tears that Amelia didn't know were even there in the first place. "Y-you don't remember at all." She spoke in a much lower tone, in realization, almost as if she was in fear that her voice could crack. More of a statement than a question, with searching eyes - her lips began to quiver, and Amelia was still left with all the whys. She couldn't handle seeing Arizona this way.

Amelia wanted to be there for her in a way that she could, but she couldn't - and she winced at the sight of seeing Arizona this vulnerable as if she broke her - over something that she still didn't know. "I-I can't help you if you don't tell me." It was like a punch in the gut, and the response turned out so impassively wrong because it's not what Arizona needed to hear. She needed a friend, but how could she do just that? They were acquaintances, who bonded over mutual friends. Amelia learned to live through the sidelines without expecting anything else from her. "Arizona, what are you not telling me?"

Arizona cleared her throat, and her knees had already given up as she decidedly sat on the carpeted floor instead - still facing the bed, where Amelia was. Amelia took a long breath, knowing it would be much better to just join her on the floor as well. The aftermath of realizing the person she peppered welcoming kisses right on the neck wasn't her girlfriend proliferated Amelia's thoughts once again. They were somehow caught in the same position on her carpeted floor again this time - but not in Mich's room. Only this time under a different circumstance, for different reasons. No Mich.

She particularly remembered Arizona that day she mistakenly thought she was Mich. Despite the mistake, she never recalled Arizona ever being sad or looking as if she had any doubts about what she had just done. The Arizona she was seeing now was by far so different. She looked more than sad, and a bit exasperated and confused when they barely had done anything. Moreso, they were barely even a thing. But Arizona looked as if she was in pain just by looking at her, and Amelia suddenly felt obligated to provide solace.

"What I did for you tonight… w-was exactly what I did to you, a year ago for three nights."

-x-

The surgery went well. Derek was fine, and she and Derek had been much better than before - like surgery, they were able to repair what needed to be fixed to fully function again. Not exactly how they used to, but a bit better than how they were before the shooting, before the relapse - before she spiraled out of control. She could only hope that this time it wouldn't just be a temporary fix - like surgery, she wanted sustainability - she wanted her relationship with Derek as complicated as it looked, to last.

Derek had offered a ride back to the airport which she seemingly refused. Refused for reasons that she couldn't tell - because Derek knew exactly what time her flight was, and there was enough leeway which also meant Derek could have plans of inviting her over back at Meredith's place for dinner - joined with their group of friends. His people. Who were also Arizona's people, now and no, she was still not ready for that?

She feared she'd never be ready for that. And it was more than okay because it was not like she'd move in with Derek nor even considered Seattle as an option to move into, sometime in the future anyway.

Amelia could be perfectly fine not meeting anyone else at this point, not meeting Arizona, because she then realized that thought alone didn't matter as much as she initially thought it would when she first arrived.

The nearby bar at the hospital was definitely not an option for the most obvious reasons and just when she thought she could simply head to the airport earlier, she then saw Mark walking right to where she was and it frustrated her to death because there was no getting out of Mark.

It was impossible. Mark was relentless, stubborn, and annoying - he'd do anything in his power to get her to come with her.

And she did, despite the number of times she turned him down - Amelia eventually gave in, with the promise that they wouldn't be eating out, and that Mark was buying takeout and they would stay at his place, while they killed time before her scheduled flight in a couple more hours.

It was a good offer, she couldn't say no to that. Not when it was just them, and Mark was good - Mark was cool despite being a handful at times, and she missed Mark anyways and he was leading her back to his apartment, and they were in the elevator and everything seemed fine, perfect and well - not until the elevator doors opened revealing two women basically ripping each other's clothes at the far end of the corridor, giggling in between kisses and pairs of hands at lost at each other's skin and Amelia wanted that, she thought they looked perfect together.

Until they weren't.

Until she realized it was Callie.

And it was Arizona.

And just a few seconds ago, Amelia pathetically had proclaimed she wanted that, wanted what they have - only for it to turn out to be Arizona. Yet again.

This time not with Mich. But with a completely different person now, and God it had been years but boy did Arizona look so damn happy and in love, and it felt rude to actually stare - but they looked perfect like they were wired so well together. Far from what she witnessed when she was with Mich, and God how it was possible that they could be so hot - and how Amelia was still so alone. At that moment, it felt suffocating.

Like she was being pulled apart, which was odd because it had been years, it should no longer hurt this much but then it all felt as if something heavy surged right through her chest.

They were still at it, pulling at each other's clothes, desperate in getting towards the door of the apartment but continually failing because Callie was pinning Arizona against the wall making everything rather difficult for them to get anything done, and it was no longer her business and so was Mark.

Mark.

Fucking Mark,

Mark had no idea, but she was beyond frustrated she got into the situation she tried so hard to avoid the minute she arrived. His mouth was hung ajar, surprised by the view he too also had and when she heard the pair of laughter stopped followed by a loud thud of the door, Amelia roughly dragged Mark out of the elevator, shoving him to a nearby wall.

"What the hell, Shep—"

An act of impulse, unjustifiable- just like with Todd. A one-time thing, with no strings attached, again, because she wanted to feel something. To drown the unearned sensation to feel anything else towards what she just saw. Towards the blonde that she had already buried her feelings. God, how else did she survive those years her roommate dated her?

How was she still not used to the feeling of not belonging to Arizona?

Fuck.

Just fuck it and everything, and fuck Mark. And maybe also kiss Mark to distract her heart from beating too loud, and to level in with her head (if she still had one) because right now everything seemed shitty and yet she had already found her tongue begging entrance towards the mouth of a startled and wide-eyed Mark.

Because again, Mark had no idea,

Poor Mark had no clue why.

And it felt so unfair for him, that she eventually pulled back because it all had been wrong, and she felt bile forming in her throat. She didn't know why she kissed him. Maybe for diversion, maybe to get her mind off things, because she saw Arizona for the first time in years, and in her prime - incredibly beautiful and in love, with a girl that she met earlier that day who was as perfect as Arizona.

She managed to pull back away from Mark, a hand covering her mouth in disgust because she never meant to push things any further between them. But the damage had already been there, sitting atop her head in so much embarrassment.

She tore her gaze away from Mark, and back to the corridor where Callie and Arizona were just a few seconds ago, a sigh of relief escaped from her mouth knowing that she was marked as safe from getting caught by the lovebirds.

The word made her cringe. But it was so them.

And nothing could be more cringe-ier than what she just did with Mark.

Right, Mark. Fuck.

She turned her head back and saw Mark still surprised, slightly flushed. Seemingly looking like someone who has it all figured out. His personal "aha" moment, minus the look of smugness she presumed should have been written all over his face because Amelia had been anything but predictable, and yet here she was. He was looking as if he felt sorry for her instead, and Amelia contemplated if she'd rather have him looking anything but that to her.

There was that awkward silence. A beat. At loss whether she should start by saying sorry, or if she should just blame Mark because it would be much easier. But he beat her right to it, a small sigh escaping his lips.

"You know, at first I thought you developed some sort of crush on Callie…" She frowned, and at the same time - a timid smile adorned the corner of her mouth because Amelia knew an attractive girl when she saw one, and Callie was… Fuck. Callie was drop-dead gorgeous and had such an amazing smile and she wondered how the hell Arizona had been so lucky as she was thriving in her career and at the same time with her love life.

She was so meant for Seattle.

Meant to be far away from her as much as possible, too.

"But then you've only seen Arizona just now, and you looked at her as if —" He trailed off, formulating the right words, and Amelia could do nothing but wince because God. It all had been too embarrassing to be predictable. She worked her way her whole life not to be one and yet here was Mark easily putting all the pieces together for her. Her breathing had turned slow and unsteady, and her own hand twisted itself up in anxiety.

Mark should stop. He should because the point has been made. There was no need to take things any further.

Okay, so what?

Maybe she didn't like what she saw. Maybe there was still a wistful serenity of regret. Maybe it still bothered her when it shouldn't. But she had to learn to live through all of that.

She had managed to do that for two years. She could do it all over again, it was not as if she was planning on leaving LA for Seattle.

Mark straightened his thoughts, both of his arms hung up in the air trying so hard to describe something that was rather difficult to put into words. With brows tightly knit together he stared her down, eyeing her carefully. "You looked at her as if —"

Knew her?

Despised her?

Irrevocably still have feelings for her?

The latter could still be true, but she had no plans of letting Mark know anything but the fact that she knew Arizona. "It was a long story. I knew her from Hopkins. She dated my roommate." She raised her shoulders coolly, deliberately biting back the harshness from her tone of voice.

It was the safest thing to say.

Because it was the truth.

"I see…" Giving a firm nod, but definitely looked as if he still wasn't satisfied with the answer, "What does that have to do with shoving me into a wall for a makeout?"

Amelia drew a short breath, wanting nothing but to be done with Mark but she also knew he was simply not one to let this all go that easily. "I didn't want to be seen – it wasn't exactly a good break-up between Arizona and my roommate." She spoke, as her features remained stoic - it was another truth. There was absolutely no harm there…

Amelia had been met with silence until she noticed Mark crossing the arms across his chest firmly as the corner of his mouth twitched up once again. "What does that have anything to do with you?"

For fucks sakes, Mark. Just drop it.

But also, good point.

"Nothing. Like I said — I just didn't want to be seen. But also to spare Arizona from being obligated to make some I don't know-" She pursed her lips, straightening her posture. "Shitty small talk with me," she added.

"If you knew Arizona well enough, then you know that woman would never feel obligated into speaking to anybody, except me, that is." A soft chuckle erupted from her lips, with the hopes that Mark would take that as a sign to let it go.

How dare Mark, honestly?

Of course. Amelia was not stupid. She knew Arizona longer than Mark, Callie - hell even the whole fucking Seattle could not compare.

"I know."

-x-

"What I did for you tonight… w-was exactly what I did to you, a year ago for three nights."

Pure bullshit.

Lies.

Amelia had a couple of million assumptions about why she'd ever see Arizona this broken but this was definitely not it.

She blinked forcibly with an unwavering expression written on her face because she badly wanted to believe Arizona but there was just no way – "S-so you took me home and you removed my shoes – that is not making any sense, and I-I don't recall you ever–"

Their eyes met for a brief moment, her eyes bluer and piercing more than ever and Arizona was looking at her with so much intensity that it made her stomach coil. " God, this is a mistake. I should have never – I was so stupid to think you'd remember…It should have made things clearer for me when you went through an entire year acting as if nothing happened in those three nights."

As if by instinct, Amelia's voice had only gotten firmer from there - cutting her off. "That's because I don't know what you're talking about!" She stammered, in a swift motion, she abruptly stood up from where she once sat. "You're pushing information in my brain that you expect me to remember, that I clearly have no idea of." She said, practically yelling at this point. Grateful that the kids weren't home, and that Maggie and Meredith were still stuck somewhere at the hospital. She could feel her chest tighten, as she muffled the initial scream that she wanted out. She was beyond mad.

At Arizona? or at the situation was the question.

But obviously, no one could be more frustrated than Arizona who had been silently taking all the hits. How was it possible they could go from barely friends into this?

The silence prolonged between them, and Amelia excruciatingly watched how Arizona's eyes softened, as she too, stood up from the carpeted floor. Wandering back and forth with a finger on her lips, seemingly looking as if she was preparing herself mentally for what to say next. "When Meredith was attacked, I was the one who took care of you… Because Maggie was occupied with the kids, the same way Alex was for Meredith and you- you were–"

Silence.

"I was busy getting my ass drunk…" Amelia finished off her sentence, blinking in confusion, deep down knowing what Arizona was really trying to say. Not that she remembered all the exact details and in-betweens of it all, but she knew that very moment like it was only yesterday. The brief memory of heavy drinking, and forbidden visits to the hospital because Richard was having none of her, and Meredith going through something unimaginable yet again - at the same place they all assumed was the safest place there could ever be.

The same hospital that just proven time and time again that no place was ever considered safe. Or maybe it was because Grey Sloan was cursed - of shootouts and unwanted attacks. It puts the most dangerous place on Earth to shame. Honestly.

Arizona could only do nothing but nod, a slight wave of relief washed over her face - looking a bit hopeful that Amelia did not contest. "And I was the one there for you –"

"That's impossible. It was Owen who looked after me, I remember it was him who–" Amelia shook her head disapprovingly, remembering the trauma surgeon's presence in those moments no matter how absolutely unwanted they were.

Arizona waved her hand exasperatedly, looking a bit offended. "You pushed Owen away until he eventually gave up - but I was there. And you hadn't made anything easy - and that didn't bother me, and a lot more happened after that and I–" she trailed off, as her expression remained stern. "After a couple more resistance, you eventually gave in - and you allowed yourself to be taken care of by me . On our last night, y-you kissed me out of nowhere and I… believe me I tried hard to push you away because it wasn't the right time , there has never been a right time to - but… you said some things and I, I've lost control and I gave in and we -" Arizona spoke as if she was going through a word vomit, right - that was what Stephanie would often describe her, someone who spoke too fast and Amelia could tell that Arizona was anxious so now she talked faster than normal but she heard every word. And fuck.

Silence

It was all too much. All. Too. Much.

But she wholeheartedly believed Arizona now - because Amelia knew exactly who she was. Because, of course - her impulsiveness of doing so much as actually having the nerve to make a move and kiss Arizona would only happen under the influence of alcohol.

It left a bitter taste in her mouth that she had no memory of it. Moreso, what led them to actually do so much more in those three nights?

Fuck. She kissed Arizona.

And she couldn't remember.

Did they do so much more than –

"For the record, we didn't have sex but - that's not the point." Amelia unconsciously lets out a breath that she didn't know she had been holding for the longest time. Allowing Arizona to lead the conversation, studying how her voice was barely holding itself steady, and how she glanced uncertainly towards her - being mindful of what Amelia was thinking because surely- it all had been too much to hear this all just now . "The point is I kissed you back because I've had feelings for you, but so much has changed in the past year and…"

Had feelings?

Amelia again unconsciously lets out a scoff because what she heard from the Arizona she was with last night at Joe's, was definitely not the same person she was talking to now.

"I respect you so much, and I only want what's best for you."

That was what Arizona said.

Amelia believed there was nothing more to them, that it would all seem too delusional to think that Arizona would want her because her words had been very clear since last night. Now it all screamed bullshit. And something in Amelia burst forth because they were grown adults, who had accomplished so much but both had been terrible communicators. If Arizona only had the decency to talk. How could they slip past all of this, it had been more than a year already.

Amelia surged forward as she cornered Arizona back to a nearby wall because she was tired and impatient - and maybe she deserved more than being lied to. "And you sat this out for an entire year, and you let me believe we were okay when we actually weren't. You dealt with this all by yourself without saying anything to me."

"Amelia -"

No.

Amelia figured Arizona didn't deserve to have a say in this.

And honestly, she didn't give a fuck if she'd lash out now and regret things the next day.

"Last night, when I asked if we could give us a shot - you turned me down. You said you wanted to be friends. Did you mean that?"

Okay . Maybe Amelia went overboard for failing to restrain the sharpness of her tone as if Arizona was a kid that needed a lecture.

Silence.

She didn't mean to make Arizona intimidated, but Arizona was not backing out - even if her back was already against the wall, and how Amelia had unconsciously trapped her body with hers, she was still looking at her with eyes that fluttered open and could feel her heart rate increased as the pendant of Arizona's necklace had been moving to its beat for awhile now.

An uncomfortable silence fell upon them, yet again, and the only sound there was - was their own breathing. Amelia could only do so much as place her hand firmly at the wall right next to the side of the blonde's head, to keep herself in place because being this close to Arizona made her lightheaded. And god, she wanted to cry but she blinked forcibly, refusing for her tears to fall. All she could see was piercing yet the softest bluest of eyes and blonde hair, and all she could smell again was strawberries and soft florals, and found herself slightly pulling away to have space. Because she didn't want to be lulled once again by Arizona's charm, not when what she did was unacceptable.

Amelia sighed impatiently, shaking her head - "I'm not going to ask you again -"

Arizona cuts her off as she clarified herself, "You mean so much to me more than you think."

Silence.

In another world, Amelia gladly would have taken that as a sign to pull Arizona in for the most earth-shattering kiss she could ever give. But now was definitely not the time. Not under this moment, not when it only made things even more complicated for them. Not when the series of unspoken truths of her never admitting her feelings for her since Hopkins, and Arizona not saying anything about those three damn nights only made things clearer that they could never work. A dodge of a bullet, yet again. That they never went so much as pursuing an actual relationship.

They were complicated. A heated mess.

Amelia was exhausted, and she knew it all had been evident as she fought her lips from quivering. She was tired of yelling, tired of being kept away from things that she deserved to know.

How else could she open her heart to someone who deliberately didn't say anything for a year? Who allowed her to walk around for an entire year as if nothing ever happened between them. "Why? Why didn't you say anything?" A faint laugh escaped from her lips in disbelief, running a hand on her hair. "If my drunk ass kissed you then, it would have still meant something. When it comes to you, it would always mean something. I've wanted to - fuck, Arizona. I've wanted you for the longest time." She allowed herself to expel the air from her lungs, letting out barely perceptible words out of desperation. "Did you even know that?" She croaked, panting slowly. "That I wanted you?" Bridling the anger from scratching her throat as she spoke in a lower voice.

It felt liberating. To have mustered up the courage to finally say her piece.

A part that she kept in herself for the longest time.

Amelia couldn't have imagined doing it under these circumstances.

That it took her just now to fully admit how she felt about Arizona because she was angry. It shouldn't have been dealt with this way.

This was not love and being in love.

There were more words.

Amelia wanted to say more, but what was the point of all of that now?

Silence.

-x-

* to be continued