Disclaimer: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU THAT I OWNED SQUEANIX ALREADY GAWD. No. I really don't.
Authors notes: Wow. Look how things have transpired (I don't actually know the meaning to that word, but it sounds pretty goddamn cool right now). An 'Authors note'? Like, omg. Well. This fic is split up into 2 chapters. And when I tell you that, I am totally not trying to sound all overly pretentious and arrogant. You know how it is. Authors go "LOL MORE CHAPPIES 2 CUM SO U BETTA KEEP ON READIGN!". It really pisses me off. So...don't think that. (I honestly hate people who do that. I also hate people who write these really long authors notes, pretty much like how I'm doing now. BEAT ME WITH A STICK, I say.)
No, but seriously. This fic is 2 chapters long. Originally, it was supposed to be a oneshot. Quick and clean. But then it got super long and I was all 'omg people are actually going to die from old age reading this' (oh haha, I'm so funny.) Thus...2 chapters long.
Oh. And this fic is being written by moi, Vin of the now (DARE I SAY IT?) infamous Kadvinclo.
It was a gorgeous day. The sun was shining, basking the earth in warmth although there was still a noticeable linger of winter in the warm breeze that stirred the budding leaves on the trees. The sky was limitless---a deep, resounding blue that seemed to stretch on undisturbed forever. Vincent Valentine was pondering silently to himself the best way he should spend the day...After all, by wallowing in his pathetic despair (what he usually did) would be a waste of such a beautiful day. Perhaps he should instead go eat some babies? Mutilate some puppies? Play Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance? Munching on his breakfast-- a Cap'n Crunch cereal box-- Vincent decided the latter mentioned idea would be the best. Even though the stark color of freshly spilt blood would be a nice contrast against the deep cerulean sky, Vincent wasn't in the mood to actually kill real things.
Mainly because he was, as Cid said, a "pussy weenie".
Vincent had always been a pacifist. So...finishing off the last cardboard side of the cereal box, he didn't really know why eating babies and killing puppies had popped so readily into his head.
Therefore, playing Fire Emblem was the better option.
Yes, Vincent declared to himself, I will spend this glorious day inside, shut in my basement playing Fire Emblem. Maybe TODAY of all days will be the day when I finally defeat Ashnard, the little bugger. I'll be sure to make sure that Titania---
Vincent jumped, half choking on the papery contents in his mouth as an alien, shrill ringing filled the room. It sounded oddly like...a telephone. Vincent hastily swallowed.
"Hay I don't have a telephone," he whined, but the shrill ringing persisted. Vincent sighed dramatically, "Excuse me, but if I didn't know that I had a phone in the first place, how the hell am I supposed to know where it is. Jeez."
Not that the mysterious telephone cared, of course. And the ringing was getting annoying REAL fast.
"My eye is twitching, " Vincent observed, "this means I'm about to have a seizure, and when I have seizure's, I pee myself. I don't want to pee myself." So, he began frantically picking up random objects.
"HELLO?" He screamed into his prized duck figurine.
"...Hi, Vincent?"
Vincent stared into the poorly painted eyes of the wooden duck he held in his hand.
"Is this really a telephone?" he spoke into the duck.
"Well I...I can hear you, so clearly it is." the voice on the other end replied.
"I've had this duck for 50 years, and I've never noticed it was a working telephone, " Vincent declared. There was a pause on the other end.
"That's great, " although the other voice didn't sound very convincing.
"Who is this, " Vincent barked, "and why are you calling me on my precious duck figurine."
"It's Sephiroth. Not spirit, like my computer spell check says."
Vincent paused. The name...Sephiroth...somehow...it soundly strangely familiar. But, he couldn't quite put his finger on where he'd heard it before...
"Sephiroth." Vincent repeated.
"Yeah. Sephiroth. You know...the Sephiroth Tree? Judaism? Ring a bell?"
"...God? GOD, IS THAT YOU?" Vincent cried.
"No, it's Sephiroth. I...I tried to kill everything awhile back?"
Still no response.
"Fangirls think I'm totally hot screwing Cloud?"
Then it clicked into place.
"OH. THAT SEPHIROTH. Hay, didn't you turn me into a frog..."
Sephiroth sighed, "well...yes. But that's not why I'm calling. So...uh. . It's my...birthday party today. And, uh. You wanna come?"
"...Not really, no."
"I'd thought you'd say that."
"Well...Is that okay?" Vincent inquired.
"As a matter of fact, " Sephiroth replied, "It isn't."
There was an awkward silence.
"Well then." Vincent said loudly.
"Look, it's not that I LIKE you or anything but my Dad says you have to come."
With that simple word, 'Dad', everything around Vincent seemed to darken. He couldn't breathe. His vision became blurry with rage, as his brain was flooded with painful memories. Suddenly, he was back in the basement of ShinRa Mansion facing Professor Hojo. "I thought you liked bologna on your grilled cheese sandwiches!" He had screamed. And then everything had gone black.
"Okay" Vincent chirped happily.
"Zawesome, "Sephiroth sounded relieved.
"Do I have to bring a present?" Vincent asked, and edge to his voice. His payment on his electric scooter was nearly due, and he'd had to choke up all the gil he had.
"My Dad says you have to." Sephiroth sounded apologetic. Red rage filled Vincent's vision.
"Okay!" Vincent sang, "I'll be over...soon."
They both hung up.
Vincent stood on his head, musing over the gift possibilities. They're might be something stashed away in the basement he could afford to give away...
...Which is why an hour later, he found himself standing in front of the Hojo residence holding a wrapped worm farm and a moldy necktie decorated with a pattern of colorful bicycles. Vincent rang the doorbell---the tune being 'Turkey in the Straw'--- with his clawed finger. However, he must have pushed it too hard, because when he withdrew his hand, the doorbell came off the doorframe and was impaled on his clawed finger. At the same time, Sephiroth opened the door.
"...Shit." Vincent swore mildly. Sephiroth raised an eyebrow.
"Is... that my doorbell?"
"Uhm, " Vincent replied, "No. No it isn't. It's actually my engagement ring."
Sephiroth looked surprised. "You're engaged? To who?"
However, before Vincent was forced to make up an answer, an all too familiar voice wafted from the confines of the house.
"Sephiroth? Is your friend here?" Professor Hojo screeched. Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Yes, Dad."
"WELL DON'T JUST STAND THERE, LET HIM IN, "the Professor bellowed, marching toward the entrance. Hojo grabbed Vincent by the hair, and yanked him inside, slamming the door behind him.
"DON'T SLAM THE DOOR." A women's voice screamed.
"LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE NOW, DAD!" Sephiroth yelled, "YOU'VE WOKEN UP MOM."
"Can... you let go of my hair?" Vincent asked, tugging on Hojo's sleeve. The man complied and let go.
"Vincent." the Professor said, a nasty undertone quite prevalent in his voice.
"S'up, diggity dawg." Vincent greeted his ultimate arch nemesis.
"WELL LET'S JUST...GO DOWN TO THE...AWAY FROM HERE." Sephiroth pushed Vincent away from his father, and down the hallway to the living room. Cloud, Cid, Tifa, Yuffie, and Aeris were already gathered, looking slightly uncomfortable.
"Hey, wait a second, " Vincent frowned, sitting down on the floor next to Cloud, "why is Aeris here. She died."
There was an awkward silence.
"Frig, did anyone bring the fucking goddamn potato chips?" Cid yelled.
"I did!" Aeris pulled a bag of Doritos out of her dress and biffed it at his head. Cid was knocked unconscious onto Tifa's lap.
"No, seriously, " Vincent said...seriously, "Aeris died. If I recall, I was running around like a headless chicken at the time."
"Actually, you did that a bunch of times, " Cloud corrected him, accidentally poking a hole in Vincent's cloak with his hair.
"Ow, hey." Vincent whined, "Stop that...But. Uhm. AERIS DIED. WHY? IS? SHE? HERE?" A little glowing bar labeled 'limit break' appeared above Vincent's head. It was at 75.
Tifa shrugged, "Supa kawaii desu ne yo ni?"
Yuffie nodded, "Desuka."
Vincent sighed, and decided to conform to the wonders of Mr. Plothole and Mrs. Plotdevice.
Quite suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
"I GET TO ANSWER THE DOOR BECAUSE I'M DADDY!" Hojo bellowed as he stomped down the hallway
"Oh, was someone else forced to come against their will?" Cloud asked mildly. Sephiroth turned on him.
"Shut up, " he hissed, " you KNOW how the fangirls interpret our loathing towards each other."
"Yeah, and that's entirely your fault, " Cloud muttered darkly.
"What!" Sephiroth shrieked, "MY fault? Who says! ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TO DESTROY THE WORLD. SINCE WHEN DOES THAT MEAN I WANT TO GIVE YOU HOT, PASSIONATE SEX."
"SON, IF YOU CONTINUE TO USE SUCH PROFANE LANGUAGE, I WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO BAN YOU FROM WATCHING TELEVISION, " Hojo appeared out of nowhere with a rather slutty young man in tow, "Pizza's here." The Professor added in afterthought. Confused, no one spoke for a moment, their eyes on the young man.
"So...that guy's...the pizza?" Cloud asked, his brow furrowed in concern.
"Teehee if you want me to be, sweetheart, "The young man bit his finger playfully. Cloud passed out in revulsion.
"How disgusting, "Hojo adjusted his glasses, "to assume that young...sorry, I didn't quite catch your name?"
The young man continued to bite his finger, "Kuja." he giggled. Hojo blushed profusely.
"HOW DISGUSTING TO ASSUME THAT THIS YOUNG MAN IS YOUR FOOD FOR THE EVENING." Hojo yelled. He then shoved a pile of money into Kuja's hand, and chucked him out the window, breathing heavily, "NOW ENJOY." And at that, he stomped out of the room.
"But, where's the pizza?" Yuffie pouted. Everyone stared at her.
"YUFFIE'S THE PIZZA!" Everyone yelled, reminiscent of that one scene in the movie version of The Lord of the Flies, and dived on her--tearing her limb from limb. Everyone except for Cloud, Cid who were still out cold, and Vincent--the perpetual pacifist.
Which left only Tifa, Yuffie, Aeris and Sephiroth. Which kind of killed the whole effect.
"Uh, " Vincent coughed, "How long are we staying here?"
Lightning flashed and thunder boomed, and suddenly the house was being pelted with rain and hail and snakes. Fires broke out everywhere as the world was consumed in a giant tornado.
"Overnight. My Dad says you all have to." Sephiroth said, oblivious to what was going on outside. Vincent let out an ear-splitting shriek.
"WHAT!" he screeched, the green bar shooting up to 96, "BUT A NEW DR. PHIL IS ON TONIGHT. IT'S ON CHILD PROSTITUTION IN CHINA. I MUST WATCH IT!"
"Oprah so owns over Dr. Phil, " Cloud observed calmly, finally conscious.
"SNARL," Vincent enunciated carefully, the green bar going up to 99.
"SON, WHY ISN'T RAGNORAK OPERATING CORRECTLY." Hojo barged into the room, holding his laptop, "I NEED TO LEVEL UP. AND IT ISN'T WORKING. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE."
"DAD!" Sephiroth cried, his face flushing a brilliant crimson, "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO EMBARASS ME LIKE THIS!"
"DON'T SCREAM IN MY HOUSEHOLD!" Hojo screamed at the top of his lungs, "I'M PUTTING YOU THROUGH UNIVERSITY! SO WHAT IN THE NAME OF PETE HAVE YOU DONE TO MY LAPTOP." The professor demanded, still screaming profusely.
"My ears are bleeding, " Vincent observed. No one took notice of him, as they were watching Sephiroth quarrel with his father. And, of course, who gives two hoots about Vincent when you can watch Professor Hojo scream at Sephiroth. Like, duh.
"Look, you can't get mad at me okay? Not here what with my friends here okay?" the young ex-general begged.
"Excuse me?" Cloud raised his hand, " I'm not your friend."
"Cloud just...go and rain." his comeback was awarded with a series of 'BOOOOOOO'S' as he was pelted with banana peals.
"Ahem. Son." Hojo's voice was dangerously soft. Sephiroth shifted his weight nervously.
"Well..the thing is...I was doing my homework on it right? And mom was sitting next to me reading The DaVinci Code. And, you know, cause she doesn't have any hands or anything, she was asking me to turn the pages for her, right? But...then..."
"Then?"
Sephiroth sighed, "Well, I went to go turn the page for her, when I accidentally knocked her over and... she spilt all over the laptop."
There was silence as Professor Hojo rubbed his greasy temples, deep in thought.
" I have nothing to say to you." he whispered harshly, deeply disappointed with his son. Sephiroth's temper flared up again.
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT SHE'S A BUCKET OF GOO! IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, I'D HAVE A NORMAL MOTHER."
"Hay. Cid, pass the chips," Cloud whispered, and Cid did so, but not before shoving a large handful into his mouth "this is getting good."
Vincent 'tsked'.
"Fellows, we shouldn't be watching this, "he said crossly, "This isn't any of our business---"
"Inform me, Son, " Hojo spat out the word, "how you would have preferred to have a "normal mother"." Hojo did the 'quote on quote' finger motions rather erratically, as one of his fingers came dangerously close to impaling his eyeball.
"Jee. I don't know. MAYBE IF YOU HADN'T INJECTED LUCRECIA WITH ALIEN GOOP."
Just then, the green bar above Vincent's head shot to 100. At the same time, a bunch of angry anonymous people trampled by, obviously enraged at the disgusting brooch of cannon plotline.
"RAWR IT'S PARTY TYME." Vincent roared as he transformed into Chaos. Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, Aeris and Cid applauded.
"Fuck a duck, this is the best party ever, man." Cid declared as Chaos chased Hojo around.
"I'M YOUR ENEMY" Chaos bellowed.
"Let's be friends!" Hojo shrieked. His answer was being eaten by Chaos who, as soon as the deed was done, swiftly transformed back into Vincent.
"That was yum-yum in the tum." Vincent replied, patting his stomach.
"That was awesome!" Tifa said for the sake of speaking.
"But, you just ate my Dad, " Sephiroth pointed out, " I mean. Thanks? But how am I supposed to support myself..."
"Become a prostitute like that Kuja thing." Cloud offered, smirking.
"Yeah, because you'd so like that---" Sephiroth fired back, but was cut off as Aeris burst out, quite suddenly "LETS OPEN PRESENTS." She was met with a general murmur of consent.
"Here, " Cloud chucked his present at Sephiroths head. It bounced off his forehead and landed in his lap. The ex-general raised an eyebrow. "Cloud. I'm deeply touched that you took the time to wrap it in a garbage bag."
"I'm a thoughtful guy, what can I say, " Cloud shrugged, pleased with himself. Sephiroth unwrapped the plastic bag.
"Wow, " he said, "I've always wanted a single packet of popcorn. Thank you oh-so-much, Cloud."
Cloud scowled comically. "Stop saying my name, " he snapped. The rest of the presents were equally uninspiring. From Tifa, Sephiroth was awarded an eraser that looked like a lump of cheese, but was really modeled after a piece of sushi. From Aeris, a packet of watermelon flavored gum. However, the fact that the said gum contained aspartame annoyed Sephiroth greatly. He was, after all, deathly allergic to it. So, to settle this travesty, he took it upon himself to destroy the universe. Again.
"Fuckin' hell, " Cid grunted, hoisting himself to his feet, "this bloody attack is like six fuckin minutes long. I'm going to the bathroom."
"Well, there IS a reason why 'One-Winged Angel' is so long, man." Cloud said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. However, he too took it upon himself to take a pee break as well. And so did everyone else. Because seriously. You can only sit patiently through Supernova so many times. As in...once.
"Hay where did everyone go?" Sephiroth cried in dismay, after destroying the universe.
"We were taking a pee." Vincent informed him, popping out from behind a curtain "are you done destroying things now?"
"...For the moment," the ex-general said grumpily, but then paused, "wait...were you peeing behind my curtain?" he demanded, staring accusingly at Vincent. The said gunman shrugged and replied, "I have no need to pee. My bladder was removed when Hojo experimented on me, and was instead replaced with a toy dinosaur."
"..." was Sephiroth's reply. Vincent felt the need to explain himself further.
"I like standing behind curtains. I can't afford curtains at my house. So whenever I see a curtain, I like to stand behind it and pretend it's my curtain."
Sephiroth sighed. "I really don't understand why so many 12 year old girls think that you and I could have a plausible relationship."
By now, everyone had re-settled themselves in their previous positions on the floor, their bladders contently emptied. It turned out, though, that Sephiroth had managed to kill off Aeris and Tifa because they, uhm, they...they uh...you know. WERE EATEN BY MR PLOTHOLE AND MRS PLOTDEVICE RAWR.
"I don't like girls, " Sephiroth muttered darkly, glaring at no one in particular, "girls ruin everything."
"And you wonder why everything thinks you're gay." Cloud enjoyed teasing Sephiroth about his musculinity.
"What, so I'm a boy now?" Yuffie spoke up, shaking her fists. The overall effect was rather unthreatening.
"HAY, WHERE'S THE GODDAMN POTATOE CHIPS, " Cid yelled, somehow ignoring the bag of Doritos resting against his thigh. Regardless, from out of nowhere, another bag of Doritos came whizzing around the corner, and biffed Cid in the head. However, he was not knocked unconscious this time.
"Let's finishing opening presents?" Yuffie offered. She was met with a general murmur of consent. Cid's present was a cardboard box labeled "Paint Cutter".
"I...don't even know what the fuck paint cutter is, " Sephiroth said, an eyebrow raised in confusion. Cid shrugged nonchalantly.
"Neither do I, " he replied casually. The two men stared at each other in silence.
"Guys, " Cloud said, his voice breaking through the silence, "There's still Vincent's present left. Let's not be racist."
"Hay! What about my present!" Yuffie cried in indignation.
"OH MY GAWD, POTATOE CHIPS NOW PLEASE." Cid screamed. Right on queue, a bag of Doritos dropped from the ceiling, and the bag was impaled on Cloud's hair.
"Cool hat," Cloud grinned. Meanwhile, Sephiroth had opened Vincent's present.
"A worm farm?" Sephiroth asked, incredulous, "and a bicycle tie."
"Hey, that's mine, " Professor Hojo whined, and snatched the tie away before running from the room.
Cloud turned to Vincent, "Didn't you just eat him?" The ex-turk shrugged, "I must have missed, " was his simple, enigmatic reply.
For the next little while, the group descended into idle chatter and general laziness, which was broken a couple of times as Yuffie, having never spoken a word to Vincent in her life, suddenly decided to chase him around the house. It was all fun and games for about two seconds until Professor Hojo (somehow alive) screamed at them to stop disturbing his morbid experimentation doing.
"I NEED PEACE AND QUIET TO INJECT HORRIFICALLY DEMFORED CHICKEN FETUSES INTO MICE EYE-SOCKETS." he had screeched.
"Hey, Hey Cid, " Cloud giggled, "remember the time when we were at that place and Vincent was being chased by that thing and he was all "OMG CID I NEED TO HIDE IN YOUR BATHROOM?" Cloud broke off into fits of hysterical laughter. He was, however, the only one laughing.
"Uh. No." Cid replied dully, taking a drag on his cigarette. Vincent glared at Cloud, and stomped out of the room mumbling that he had to go watch Dr. Phil, Yuffie trailing after him.
Two seconds later, there was a roar as Vincent limitbreaked (which is so not a word), obviously and completly fed up with the teenage ninja following him around. She was quickly disposed of and sent to Yuffie heaven, where she frolicked and skipped with Tifa, Aeris, Mr. Plothole, and Mrs. Plotdevice. Vincent poked one eye around the corner to glare at them all. And when I say that, I, of course, mean that he removed his eyeball from his eye socket, stuck it on his finger, and extended it into view. Everyone...sat there, still, poised, waiting for Vincent to offer up some pretentious nonsense about the whole matter. But he didn't. He just stood there with his eyeball on his finger. The same finger, one might add, that still had Sephiroth's doorbell attached.
"Uh, Vincent, " Cloud cleared his throat, "You can go now."
Vincent responded by wiggling his finger with his impaled eyeball menacingly.
"Vincent, "Cloud said firmly, "I don't need you to do that right now."
And then...the doorbell rang.
"I GET TO ANSWER THE DOOR BECAUSE I'M DADDY!"
Authors note: OMFG LOLOLO END OF CHAPPIE 1 R+R NOW LOLO SYUPA KAWAI DESU NEEEEEEEE.
No, I'm not retarded. I just enjoy mocking people who type like that. Mockinggood. It builds character.
And as I said before...chapter 2 of this derranged fanfiction will be up later. Soon. Probably soon than later. Expect more utter nonesense that has nothing to do with the original plotline of FFVII.
Thanks for not barfing everywhere.