Chapter Sixteen

After Effect

Shuichi was exhausted and trembling all over. He couldn't remember the last time a performance had worn him out that badly. All he wanted then was to get away from everything before he collapsed.

In his hurry, he brushed right past Hiro without acknowledging him. He could hear him calling after him sounding both peeved and concerned, but he didn't turn around. He didn't want to have to explain himself to Hiro.

After slamming the door shut behind him, he calmed down a little. The only light he bothered with was the small lamp on his desk. Then he stripped off the stage costume, letting it all fall to the floor, until he was only wearing his boxers. Falling back on the bed Hiro let him have once he found out he wasn't going home to Yuki, he pulled his shoes off and threw it over onto the floor. It hit the lamp with a clang, and the room fell into darkness. Sinking into the cold sheets, Shuichi could feel the moisture gathering in the corners of his eyes. His uneven breathing was loud in his ears. Squeezing his eyes shut, he curled up and rolled over onto the bed. Unable to contain himself any longer, he released a shuddering breath, and immediately sucked it back in a sob. He tried uselessly to swallow it as the tears rolled out over his wet lashes, trailing down his face in the darkness. His body shook with the force of his sobs, and he felt as though he might die as his chest tightened painfully.

His thoughts were filled with beautiful blue pools, golden silk, a soft touch, a playful smile, and a gentle voice. Yuki. Yuki, who always knew what to say to make him smile. Yuki, who would break into that funny glare on the rare occasion he lost his temper. Yuki, who could make him happier than never before. Yuki, who liked his toast with blueberry jam. Yuki, who opened his heart as if he'd always owned the key. Yuki, who understood his silence. Yuki, who loved him. Where is he, and exactly how long will he be gone?

And Shuichi had forced him away. All because he had been too afraid. He had been afraid of his own intense feelings. Life had taught him that it was safer to keep all his feelings bottled up inside where they couldn't cause him grief. In recent years he'd finally learned how to open up again thanks to Yuki, but one small step at a time. But when Yuki had finally told him that he loved him, Shuichi had choked. He couldn't bring himself to admit his feelings, so he decided that he wasn't worthy of Yuki. Not long afterwards, Yuki broke all ties with him. Yuki showed Shuichi it was ok to love. But that Yuki was around a long time ago.

Now he felt like an utter fool. He shouldn't have trusted Yuki. Instead he'd hurt him, and lost him forever. There would be no second chances, he could never ask Shuichi to take him back after what he'd done. Yuki was gone, and Shuichi would never be able to tell the gentle writer just how much he'd really cared about him.

"I love you, Yuki," he sobbed to the empty air. "I love you..."

Hiro let himself into his apartment, and his eyes immediately caught sight of his houseguest lying on his stomach in front of the television set. He opened his mouth to scold the boy for still being in his home after he specifically told him to contact Yuki and leave, but then he noticed that Shuichi's pale, slender body was clothed in nothing except the boxers that he let him use earlier.

"You're late." Shuichi commented, as he turned his head to look at Hiro. The boy couldn't help but smile sweetly. It was getting lonely being in that cold, empty apartment all by himself.

Hiro suddenly realized that he was staring at Shuichi; his mouth was still open from before, when he was meaning to yell at the him. Embarrassed at himself, he clamped his mouth shut and met the pink-hair kid's gaze with his own hardened glare. "When are you going back home to Yuki? I don't think its good for you to hide from him." He explained, unsure as to why he felt like giving Shuichi an explanation in the first place. "Yuki's probably worried right now."

"Ah." Shuichi commented, seemingly satisfied with the question, and then turned his attention back to the television program. "I'm not going back there. Ever."

Hiro sighed, feeling that he should say something. "Where are your clothes?" He asked lamely.

"I felt like taking them off. Got a problem?" Shuichi simply explained.

"Ah." He accepted the explanation, not really in the mood to argue. He removed his shoes and jacket and made his way to the Shuichi's room.

"I'm so happy you're finally home. You've been gone so long! And it's almost dark out, and I was beginning to get hungry…"

"Oh, so you can't feed yourself if you're not with Yuki?" Hiro asked as he switched on the lights and had the breath knocked out of him. The room looked like a complete disaster area. A good 1cm film of junk covered the entire floor, clothes and blankets flung around haphazardly to add to the mess.

"I'm not a very good cook and I was afraid that you'd…"

"Good Lord, don't you have even a shred of civility within you?" Hiro spat as he stormed back into the living area to confront Shuichi. He held up a piece of clothing, in case that idiot needed prompting as to why he was upset.

"I'm sorry, I haven't…"

"Of course not! Shuichi, why don't you just go back home and stop trashing my place?"

"I was going to clean up! You came home just before I was about to do it!" Shuichi tried to explain as he leaped to his feet and ran over to Hiro, trying to grab the clothing from him. Hiro quickly pulled his hand away to thwart that attempt.

"And you want me to take you in. To let you live here." Hiro taunted. "What could you possibly offer me? You can't cook, you can't clean, you can barely take care of yourself, and not to mention the fact that you're a compete basket case. Why the hell should I let you live here?"

Shuichi felt as if he were slapped again and again with every word that came out of Hiro's mouth. But he really couldn't argue with any of it.

"Well, aren't you going to say anything at all? Aren't you going to even attempt to stand up for yourself, you're such a weak, pathetic kid! Shuichi! Answer me, why did you leave in the first place!"

Shuichi turned his head to avoid looking directly at those frightening eyes. "I hate Yuki."

"What was that?" Hiro said, almost laughing.

"I hate Yuki." Shuichi repeated, this time slowly turning his head to look at Hiro once again.

Once he caught sight of the boy's eyes, Hiro let the cloth drop from his hand, letting the fabric slop to the hardwood floor below. Neither man spoke for a few moments. Shuichi's eyes were shaking looking for some shred of hope in Hiro's.

Hiro resisted the urge to tease the boy. He didn't trust himself to reach out to touch that pale, thin Shuichi before him. So he toyed with Shuichi visibly, studying the boy with his eyes only. "You would never mean anything like that Shuichi." Hiro sighed, giving in to Shuichi's request to stay.

"I do. I hate Yuki." Shuichi grabbed Hiro and embraced him for comfort. "I hate that bastard!" He started to cry silently, "I trusted him Hiro. I really did...but I was wrong. Though I gave him the benefit of the doubt he lied to me."

Hiro began to doubt his own sanity as his hand, seemingly on its own accord, reached out to grab the side of Shuichi's face. He drew Shuichi close to him and kissed him deeply. He shouldn't have wanted that. He couldn't have wanted that, and especially not with Shuichi, a goddamn runaway, who was afraid to confront Yuki. "You can stay." Hiro whispered, still unable to pull his eyes away from him.

"Sorry Shuichi, but I can't resist seeing you so vulnerable like this. Get some clothes on. I'll make some dinner." He added before disappearing into the kitchen, leaving a very stunned Shuichi standing cold, and vulnerable in his wake.

He awoke with a start, his breathing was forced and ragged, his heart was racing violently within his chest, and his shirt was drenched with perspiration. Disoriented, he allowed himself a moment just to let his body to regain its composure. Another night, he realized, another bout with those wicked demons that controlled his dreams. Like usual, he couldn't remember anything about the nightmare that he had just awakened from. He never did. Every time this happened, he would only awake to find himself in that confused state and figured that whatever he was dreaming about wasn't pleasant. That was probably a good thing. Lord knows that he didn't need yet another source of stress in his life.

"Yuki, are you all right?" That voice again, strangely familiar and yet so very different than anything he had ever heard in his life. And then a touch to accompany that voice, as Yuki was aware of a hand on his arm. He was still confused so he did not respond in any way for a couple of minutes. Instead he only took care to regain his senses. He blinked a couple of times to focus his vision to the cold and darkened room which was only illumined be the light of the hallway that shone through his semi-ajar bedroom door, and then he saw the source of that voice which called him back to the realm of consciousness.

It was the boy, Ryo. He was sitting on the edge of his bed with a hand placed lightly on his forearm. And the knowledge of that had the similar effect of fire coursing through his veins. It confused him. Why did he feel such profound physical effects whenever the boy was near? And yet those questions quickly slipped through his mind and were soon forgotten. They seemed so mundane and unimportant compared to the sensation that his mind was currently processing. Shuichi was gone. Yet Ryo was still here. How was it, it turned out this way. He must have lost his mind for even considering that… But his body had complete control and ignored any objection that his mind threw in its way.

"Yuki…" The Ryo whispered hoarsely. "Please don't make me leave." He pleaded. He leaned against Yuki's shoulder and then laughed. "I'm stupid Yuki...I'm completely selfish. Though my mind tells me I love you...my heart tells me I mustn't be selfish anymore." Ryo smiled, "my heart tells me you love Shuichi...not me. And it also tells me he loves you..."

"Ryo." Yuki stutters to say, but the boy walks out of the room and closes the door. Yuki stares aimlessly at the ceiling, thinking. His heart longs for Shuichi, yet he can't abandon Ryo after bringing him in.

By the way, I wanted everyone to know I have started drawing pics for this fanfic, but I have no way of getting it up, so I put it in my profile. Please click the pic out in my profile, I will have more soon. At least one for every chapter. See you all next time. Really soon!