Love Don't Come Easy.
Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolesent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.
Chapter Thirteen: Narrowing choices
Rama smiled, as she snuggle closer to Steven, she was happy to be in his arms again, but there was now an inward battle that was slowly becoming more pronounced. She had been with Jessie and Steven both for two weeks, and while she kept meaning to put a halt to this two timing cheating behaviour, another part of her couldn't seem to get enough of the attention, the two males lavished on her. It felt extremley good, to be so pampered and be given so many wonderful treats, and to feel accepted and loved. Yet she knew, no matter how wonderful it made her feel, she knew that it couldn't go on. It wasn't right, it wasn't honourable and most importantly it wasn't like her.
Besides she knew sooner or later she would slip around Steven, perhaps calling him Jessie's name by mistake and if that were to happen she knew he wouldn't be very amused, to put it lightly. Not that she would blame him for any anger. It was just she knew she couldn't keep it up much longer she had to come to a decision, and that was what kept holding her back. ' How can I possibly choose between two equally wonderful men?'
Rama was aware the family was on to her predicament and she often heard their input on who she ought to go for, her dad was quite vocal about the matter. Though Leo had not said anything to her personally as of yet, though she was sure that the Master of the Clan would be speaking to her, rather firmly, if she didn't start acting the chunin and make a simple choice. " But that is just it! It isn't simple at all.' She groaned to herself.
"Something wrong Rama?" Steven asked with concern as he pulled her closer in his embrace.
"No, not really." Rama replied quickly. She shifted on the park bench they were sitting on.
Steven chuckled "Don't tell me you want to go dancing again?" He had taken her dancing a couple of times since that one night, "I'm afraid I'm not much of a dancer" He confessed.
"Hey, where we go does it matter. Most the patrons are so drunk they wouldn't think you were that awful. How do you think people who couldn't sing to save their life, can get away with karaoke?" Rama teased as she pushed against his chest just slightly, so she could look up into his face.
"You could put a lot of those people in their place. You have a beautiful voice" Steven smiled, as he placed his hands behind her head drawing Rama in for a kiss. Rama relaxed and returned his affection.
"I wouldn't want to draw attention to myself in that way Steven" Rama informed him kindly when they finally broke a part. " I sing for my friends and family only." She sighed a bit and gazed out over the dark pond, she heard something splash but it didn't have an urgent sound, more like the sound of a fish jumping or a turtle diving.
" Rama" Steven murmured in her ear, as he began kissing her neck, "I love you."
Rama sensed his sincerity and the depth of his passion, a part of her answered to it. A deep animalistic part of her, that said this was natural, this was what she wanted and there should be no turning back. A feeling of lust, urgency, longing and desire. It had been coming awake and seemed to get stronger each time, and she hated it when she left it, hanging without completion. In short she wanted him, wanted to make love, and forget all else.
"Steven, let's go to your place, we can..." she hinted.
"You mean it Rama?" Steven paused, his breath hitched.
Rama nodded and licked her lips, "Yeah. I want to. I want you." She replied breathlessly.
Steven smiled "All right."
XXXX
Rama had been in Steven's home before and she sat down on the couch a bit unsure, she knew she wanted this but didn't seem interested in heading towards the bedroom. Steven's living room was sparsely furnished a couch, arm chair, and coffee table, with large screen TV complete with surround system. Steven went into the tiny kitchen and returned with a bottle of wine and two glasses. Rama smiled, a bit glad he wasn't going rush her off to the bedroom.
He poured the wine carefully into the two long stemmed glasses and gave her one. Rama sipped it. He smiled, at her as she savoured the drink. He sat down beside her caressing her inner thigh. "Just relax Rama, I promise, that we have time to, well learn to enjoy each other more fully" he whispered reaching out to caress her hair.
Rama grinned, "I like the sound of that" she said as she leaned towards him kissing him, tasting the wine on his lips. His touch was all ready making her feel warm, and some part of her longed for a certain touch. They shared a few glasses of wine, and talked between kisses and bits of massage and then Steven stood up taking Rama by the hand, "Come love. Let's get more comfortable."
"Mmmmkay" Rama agreed a small leer on her face. Her body was tingling like it was on fire. He gently guided her towards the bedroom, but as he opened the door. Rama pulled back slightly.
"Rama it's all right. Nothing is going happen" he assured her. "I love you Ramiela," He declared gently.
Rama heard the desire and longing in his voice and a part of her answered that in kind. She found herself moving towards the bed of her own free will and lying down on the sheets, "I love you too Steven, and I wanna show ya how much." her words slurred just a bit as she beckoned to him.
Steven gave a large grin and went towards the bed eagerly, sure now that she was his.
As he got on the bed Rama rolled off the other side and bolted for the door. "Steven. I can't I don't feel like I'm myself at this moment. Maybe it was the wine, I'm not one to drink that much. But..." Rama shook her head.
"Rama it is all right to be nervous, but I'll show you there is nothing to be afraid of, now c'mere love." Steven patted the bed invitingly.
Rama sidled closer to the bedroom door "Steven, no. I'm sorry for misleading you but I can't. I want to, I do but it isn't right there isn't..." Rama felt at a sudden loss for words, "I gotta go." she declared and left the room and the apartment as fast as her feet could carry her.
XXXX
Rama trembled as she stood on a rooftop over looking the city, her body still wanting what she knew she had escaped, ' What am I doing? I trust Steven and I want to, so why am I playing hard to get? I mean this time I went too far.' She sat down on the edge of the roof, and brooded silently watching the traffic move along under her. ' I guess it is kinda hard to commit myself to someone when I can't even commit myself to who I want to be with.'
Of course that thought brought her right back to how could she pick one over the other. She gave a miserable sigh, ' I love being in love but suddenly it is all so complicated. It just seems more hassle then anything." She muttered to herself. ' It is past time to make a choice but before I can. I need time to think with a clear head, time to really consider what I'm doing and a little advice couldn't hurt either." She realized. She smiled wistfully and nodded her head, she would talk with the Master let him know she wanted as much time as necessary to make her choice and as for advice she would ask Cathy. Her step mom's skill in animal behaviour gave her a great deal of insight into people. She also had never quite conformed to the "this is how the clan does things." bit, which meant advice from her wasn't as likely to lean towards the good of the clan that everyone else would give her.
Rama sighed the whole " You are the future leader, you have to consider the good of the clan at all times," was all ready getting old with her. She nodded her head and stood up knowing while she was still no closer to who it was going to be she was at least starting to walk the path that would lead her there.
Rama woke in the morning with Ronin pouncing on her when she rolled over. She opened half an eye to see Ronin staring at her "Mew." the kitten cried. Rama reached out and scratched the kitten affectionately "Hey Ro, hungry?" she mumbled a little sleepily.
The kitten squeezed it's eyes shut and purred loudly.
"All right I'm getting up." Rama yawned as she sat up, causing Ronin to hop off the bed and run for his food dish. After catering to the kitten's needs she prepared Leo's morning tea and took it in to him.
"Good morning Ramiela" Leo smiled as he saw her enter his office area.
"Aren't you meditating this morning?" Rama inquired.
"I have already done it" Leo replied simply.
"Ah, I see, an early morning for you." Rama nodded sagely. She set the tray on his desk and poured the tea offering him the cup and then poured some for herself, before she sank into the chair, "I don't even feel awake yet. I think I'm having starter problems this morning" she confessed with a small grin.
Leo chuckled "I find that hard to believe, you are your father's daughter after all." he remarked.
Rama gave him a firm but gentle look "Hey even we have our off days, no matter how much energy we have the rest of the time Master." She pointed out kindly, "Master I was wondering if it could be arranged so I could have some time to myself?"
"What so you can go pull the heart strings of your boyfriends some more?" Leo asked.
Rama winced a bit at his choice in words, but much as she didn't care for the sound of it, she knew it was true, "No Master. I want the chance to figure out who I do want to commit myself to, because I need to resolve that before things get really out of hand" Rama confessed, she looked him in the eye as she spoke, "I know I haven't been fair to either of them, and while Jess, knows about Steven, I haven't told Steven about Jessie. And I know I need time to myself to try and clear my mind without interruptions and distractions so I can figure it out."
Leo smiled as he came around the desk and placed a hand on her shoulder affectionately " Years ago I had to make you meditate, turn inward to yourself to resolve such conflicts. Now you seem to realize it is the solution for your problems."
Rama sighed, "Maybe not all of them Master, but a little inward refelection doesn't hurt matters. Especially when one has to do some soul searching." she corrected kindly.
"I was starting to wonder if I'd have to order you to do it again, considering how distracted you have been the last day or two." Leo remarked casually.
"I'm still young, I can still make mistakes or take a while to get to things you know!" Rama gave him a mock scowl.
"Yes you are young but you won't have that excuse for ever." Leo gave a small smile, "Besides being young was never an excuse for me!"
Rama giggled "Splinter was such a hard task master wasn't he?" she chided in a teasing way, "He just didn't have much of a choice then."
"No he didn't, but luckily for you we can afford to be more lenient with your training." Leo agreed as he walked around his desk and sat down, "I am sure I can clear things for you and give you today."
Rama arched her eye ridges, realizing if Leo felt he could give her today then possible he had been all ready making such arrangements to order the exercise from her, if she had not broached him first. She wouldn't put it past him to do such a thing. she could almost hear the unspoken 'choose for yourself, but choose best for the clan.' Maybe it wasn't so much unspoken as she felt it was expected of her. Either way it seemed she had today to figure things out. "Thank you Master" Rama bowed her head slightly in appreciation.
When she left the office she headed back to the kitchen with the dirty dishes, and went in search of Cathy. She found her mom giving Tessica a bath, the tiny turtle pretending to swim in the tub splashing and kicking, swimming was something they seemed born knowing. "Ama whim."
Rama grinned, "There is no room for me to swim in there Tessa."
Cathy looked soaked herself, "It's amazing how I end up getting a bath with the child, whether I need it or not." She reached in to the tub pulling the plug as the turtle tot screamed in fury that all her fun had come to an end "Sorry Love, but mom has to go to work." Cathy soothed as she picked her daughter up, wrapped snugly in a towel.
"Mom can I get a ride with you into work, I need to talk to you, and I can find my own way home" Rama assured her, "Don't worry I arranged things with Leo so it isn't like I have to be here."
"Sure Rama, can you take Tessa into the kitchen for breakfast. I have to get dressed." Cathy nodded, She turned her head, "This have anything to do with your two beaus?"
"Yeah" Rama admitted as she took Tessa into her arms, "It is time to go for just one. I just need to figure out which one."
XXX
Cathy turned to glance at Rama, as she turned her car onto the street from the back alley, the car had tinted windows to provide any turtles riding in it a sense of privacy. "So what's on your mind Rama?"
Rama shrugged a little. " I have two men who both have great qualities, both of them have things I know I love about them and I could see myself being with either one of them." Rama confessed hesitantly, "And yes there are things about both that might not be so interesting to me, or things I may see as faults or what have you, but it is a part of who they are too."
Cathy nodded " But you are still having trouble narrowing it down and you want some suggestions that might help you do so huh?"
"Something like that. At first I thought I wouldn't or couldn't love Steven as much as I do, when I care about Jessie. With Jessie I feel I'm more familiar with him so it is natural to feel this way, you know to be closer to him and act more the way I always have. Not just like the leader I'm being trained to be." Rama explained, "It is just so confusing and things are getting more serious."
"Rama with animals the female always chooses the male she feels will be best to breed with, the one who has proven himself, through battles to be the best. He is strongest, fastest, he is best one to help her breed the one offspring that can survive the world, or stands a better chance." Cathy shook her head, "We humans don't always judge on that though, yet there are still certain things one might look for in a mate. What is his job, is it high paying or menial? Is he good with children or animals?"
Rama giggled at those questions.
Cathy arched an eyebrow, "Many women choose a husband based on income and or his interest in children, not to mention how he looks or acts. In that way we haven't gone as far from the animals as we may believe. Jessie understands you, and he has been with you for a long time you won't fool him in your leadership persona because he has seen your playful ways. You could do well with him."
"Yeah but he's been with a lot of girls, and while I don't think I have heard him say he has loved any of them, he's still, well I don't know if he is really ready to commit to me. If I go for him and things fall apart well, I might be left with no one." Rama complained.
"You have been there before and if two guys can love you now, then you must know there are others who will too. Besides sometimes loving someone means taking a risk, believing in them, even if there is a bit of doubt. If there is a great deal of doubt and misgivings then you might want to reconsider." Cathy pointed out, "However Steven might not know as much of your playful ways, but I think he would be good for you. As a lawyer he may be able to help you in certain aspects of the clan."
Rama nodded "Exactly."
"Rama it is your choice to make. Listen to your heart, perhaps it will tell you to wait"
"I don't think so" Rama shook her head, "If I was going wait I wouldn't be messed up in this. If I wait too long my duties may one day take over. I can recall Master Leo when Karena came, if you think he's devouted to his work now then you should have seen him then. Everything was ninjitsu, he did it for his family but he wasn't..."
"He didn't take much time for himself, or consider having a family of his own?" Cathy said.
Rama nodded, "Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll let myself get so bogged down in what I need to do as chunin or future jonin that I'm going be like that. I want something for me." Rama grouched, "Sounds selfish huh? I think that is part of why I haven't made a choice yet because suddenly two people are just paying attention to me, for me. Doing things that I enjoy and it is so wonderful I don't want it to stop."
Cathy reached out and patted Rama's leg "I understand, see that is what you want. Someone to cater to your needs, because you have to cater to so many others. You want children, but you want time to escape your duties and be yourself, not be just the leader of the clan."
Rama's eyes shone and she nodded her head eagerly in agreement at those words, sitting up straighter in the car seat and leaning a bit towards Cathy.
"Rama, if that is what your heart wants then it is time to consider who you feel best fits that requirement. One of them ought to do it a bit better then the other. However pick the one that not only fills that need but also someone you can live with, as well as the one you can't live without. If you can't live with him, living without him will be difficult."
"You are talking in riddles" Rama accused.
"Maybe, but if you can't live without having this person in your life, then maybe you're meant to be just friends, but if you feel that you can't live without him, but can live with him in spite of flaws and all then that might help." Cathy sighed, "One more thing Rama, don't pick the one person the clan wants you to be with, just because the clan feels it is for the best. This is about you, not the Clan. You are going have to live with your choice, so you may as well choose the one that answers what you want in a man. The clan will get by no matter who you pick." Cathy noticed Rama give her a blank look, "Honey you have learned to sacrifice for the clan, and have been told it is part of your future to do so again. This is not an area where sacrifice for the family is necessary. You need someone for you, someone who suits you both now and will help you in the future."
Rama nodded "You're right I do." she agreed quietly.
"Then promise me that whoever you choose, you do so because you feel they are the one for you, not the one that may benefit the clan the most later on?" Cathy pleaded.
Rama gazed at Cathy "I promise" she vowed. "Pity Dev weren't here."
"Still your first choice huh?" Cathy chuckled.
"He understood ninjitsu but there was the wild streak in him, and then there was the fact he could have irritated dad to no ends just because he was a Raphael child." Rama beamed, "I still miss him, but I know I gotta move on."
Cathy smiled, "New suggestion pick one most like Devon." she teased.
"No luck neither of them has a tail," Rama shot back, purposely misinterpeting her mom's words. " Never mind looking like a lizard. That boy could sure swing a tail."
Cathy didn't answer instead she concentrated on the traffic knowing Rama understood her perfectly.
XXX
Rama had returned home and had locked herself in her room, where she began to write out everything about Steven and Jessie, if only to collect her thoughts on both. Once she could think of nothing else she meditated for a long time, clearing her mind, searching inward. When she was done she looked at the written paper going over it again, only as she did so she noted out of Steven and Jessie there was, only one who really suited what she wanted or was looking for.
' I know who I want. Now comes the harder part of letting the other know that I can't be with him, the way he may want.' Rama knew that wasn't going be easy.
TBC