Later...
Harry's almost all the way out the window. Just then, Vernon and Petunia run in
Harry: AAAAAHHH!
Vernon: I've got you now! Whoa...I can't believe I had forgotten how cute his butt is...
Harry: Oh god please Ron pull me in!
Ron: I'm trying Harry!
Harry: Damnit Ron, try harder!
The weasly boys pull Harry in to the car, and Vernon goes tumbling out the window
Vernon:sees the car flying away. Surprised voice Ba! ma! za! la!...fa!
Vernon looks back up at Petunia and Dudley
Vernon: I'm fine! It's just...the cat with the fine ass got away! And to think, I didn't even have time to wrap him in toilet paper!
at the weasley house...
Fred: Alright everyone, if we're real quiet, we won't wake up mum from her hangover...
Molly:groan Where have you boys been? Beds unmade, no note left...you could have been killed! I would have been devasted! Fred, surely you are old enough to have enough sense not to let George and Ron go out and do this!
George: I'm George, mum, he's Fred. He IS the eldest one out of us three, but he's only older then me by one minute...
Molly: You know what? I'm about to kill you two. Then all my twin worries would be over! I wouldn't have to worry about keeping you two's names and ages straight all the fucking time!
Harry: I'm beginning to wonder if I'm in the Weasley house, or the Osborne house...
Molly: Oh hello, Harry! Please, forgive my bitchyness. If Aurthur hadn't kept me out late at that wizarding party, and tempted me with all that wine, I wouldn't be like this right now...
Ron: Don't mind, mum. She's usually like this...
Molly: Well come now. Time for a spot of breakfast. God, I love to be British. I can get away with saying things like 'a spot' of breakfast.
Ron: Uhhh...yeah...that's good mum...
Aurthur Weasley comes in the house
Aurthur: Good morning Weasleys!
Everyone:groggily Good morning Dad...
Harry: Your dad works night shifts?
Ron: No...but work is the place that he tells mum he's going at night
Aurthur:looks at Harry And who are you?
Harry: I'm some crazy, hungry old bum that walked in off the street, hoping to blend in with the rest of you
Molly: still smiling in that exaggerated mom kind of way Oh Harry's just being a smart ass. Aurthur, this is the famous Harry Potter
Aurthur: Oh yes, Ron's said a lot about you. I have so many questions about you and the smuggle world. For starters, what exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
Harry: Well, it's kind of embarrassing to tell you this...
Aurthur: Do not be ashamed Harry. After all, you are in the Weasley household. No one to impress here
Harry: Smuggles use the rubber duck as a kind of...masturbating device...
Aurthur:looking happily surprised You don't say! Those nasty little bitters!
Fred: I'm going to get me one!
Molly: Don't even think about it George Weasley!
Fred: Mum, I'm Fred
Molly: For petesake! Do I need to get you both dog collars or something? Sheesh…
Later...
All the Weasleys and Harry are gathered around the fireplace. Molly has a jar of floo powder
Molly:offers floo powder to Harry Alright then Harry, you first
Ron: Mum, Harry's never used floo powder before...
Harry: Who's to say I haven't, hmm?
Ron: Well...
Harry: I mean, who the HELL do you think you are, going around saying I've never used floo powder before?
Ron: I'm sorry Harry, I didn't know...
Harry: Well you know what! You're absolutely right!
Ron: Oookay...
Molly: Well...umm...Ron, why don't you show him, then?
Ron takes some powder, and steps into the fire place
Ron: Diagon Alley!
Green flames come up, he disappears, blaughty, blaughty, blah
Molly: You're turn Harry dear
Harry takes some powder, and steps in to the fire place
Harry: Diagonelly!
Disappears
Molly: What did he say?
Authur: Diagonelly
Molly: Well what in the world does that mean?
Aurthur: Well dear, I don't think it means anything, I think what he meant to say was-
Molly: I HAVE TO KNOW!
later still...Harry suddenly shoots out of a fireplace, and is trampled by can can dancing girls. The place he is in is covered in big flashy lights, and the song "Lady Marmalade" is playing. The dancing girls have heavily applied make up on, and are not bashful about revealing their frilly underwear
Harry: Where the heck am I?
Weird pimp guy: Hello there, welcome to the Moulin Rouge! I'm Harold Zidler! You look like a rich gentleman! How about having a "go" with some of my girls? For a price, of course!
Harry: Umm...no thanks...
Midget: Hello! I'm Toulouse Lautrec! Would you like some of this green radioactive looking beverage?
Harry: Well...sure, why not?
Harry drinks some, and starts seeing weird things
Snape as a fairy: Hello there...I'm the green fairy...
Harry: AAAAHHH!
Fairy Snape: The hills are alive, with the sound of music!blows kisses
Harry tries to escape the red windmill, but suddenly, Hagrid comes flying by on a swing, wearing a glittery blue dress, and a top hat
Hagrid: Diamonds are a girls best-AAAAHHH!the swing breaks and Hagrid tumbles to the ground
Harry: Hagrid!
Hagrid: Harry! What are you doing here?
Harry: Hold on...what are you doing here? Dressed like...that?
Hagrid:rips off the dress, revealing his usual brown coat, hides it behind his back, and blushes Never you mind that, Harry. Let's get out of here.
As they walk out to Diagon Alley...
Harry: Boy that is the last time I drink that green radioactive-looking stuff. I never want to see Snape in drag again...
Hagrid: Oh believe me, you will...
Harry: What do you mean, Hagrid?
Hagrid: Read the third book, and you'll get it.
Harry: Huh?
Hagrid: Well, Harry...oh no, you wouldn't understand that...
Hermione: Harry! There you are!
Harry:gasps Here comes the hormone wave again...
Hermione: Harry, where were you? Everyone was so worried!
Harry: Well, of course, naturally, they were...
Hagrid: Hey, stop being such a Gilderoy Lockheart
Harry: Who is- Hagrid, have you been drinking?
Hermione: What's wrong with being Gilderoy Lockheart?
Hagrid: Well...sigh Oh yeah, you wouldn't get that either...never mind...it was too soon...
Harry: Okay...Hagrid, I think you had better lie down for a while...
Hagrid: Okie dokie!
Lies down on the cobble stone, and starts moving his arms and legs in a 'snow angel' motion
Hagrid: Look! A snow angel!
Hermione: Hagrid, there's no snow...
Hagrid:...autumn leaf angel!
Harry: Umm...I think we'd better leave him be...
Hermione: Yeah...
They both walk away
Hermione: But really, where were you?
Harry: You're not going to believe this, but...I was in the Moulin Rouge, and I saw Snape in a green fairy costume, and he was singing that song from The Sound Of Music, and there was midgets offering me radioactive beverages, and can can dancers, and some weird pimp guy, and...
Hermione: Umm...Harry? Have you been drinking, too?
Harry: Wha? Me? No luv, of course not.
Hermione: Riiight...well, we better go relieve Mrs. Weasly, she's been so worried that she had killed the boy who lived...
In the book shop...
Molly: Oh Harry, there you are! I've been so worried!
Harry: Mrs. Weasley, what did I say when I was using the floo powder?
Molly: Well, I think you said, something along the lines of, Diagonelly. By the way, what does that mean?
Harry: Well, it's Diagon Alley, slurred. But, how did I get Moulin Rouge out of Diagonelly?
Molly: I don't know...unless SOMEONE looks at Aurthur set it that way, on PURPOSE!
Aurthur: Molly...dear...I can explain...
Molly: First you can't give me the proper meaning of the word "Diagonelly", and now you go to that crack pot Moulin Rouge behind my back? What usefulness of a husband to you bring ME, hu?
Ginny: Hey shut up! It's Gilderoy Lockheart!
Gilderoy:enters smiling brightly, and with the song "I'm Too Sexy" playing Hello ladies...and gay gentleman...
Fred:yelling out We're not gay!
Man:flicks wrist, and talks with a lisp Oh sthtop denying it, honey
Gilderoy: As you all know, I am Gilderoy Lockheart
Gilderoy receives another round of applause for this
Gilderoy: Thank you, thank you, You're too kind...notices Harry
Ron: whispering I don't like how he's looking at you Harry...it seems very homosexual to me...
Harry: Eewww...
Gilderoy: My word, it's Harry Potter...come up here, Harry!
Harry: Well, I'd rather not, thanks-Whoa!
Some little midget camera man, rudely pulls Harry through the crowd, and Gilderoy pulls Harry roughly to his side
Gilderoy: Let's get some pictures for the front of The Daily Prophet, shall we?
Two big flashes of light blind Harry momentarily, and then Gilderoy begins to talk
Gilderoy: When Harry walked in to Flourish and Blotts this morning, he never imagined that he would receive a copy of my set of books, Magical Me, free of charge
another round of applause
Gilderoy: And, that he would be receiving me, as his Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher this yearsmiles broadly, while Harry escapes from his painful grasp
Harry hands his books to Molly, and walks out with Hermione, Ron, and Ginny
Hermione: You were so lucky Harry! I can't believe that you got to go up there and get a picture with Gilderoy Lockheart!
Harry: Whew, but I'll tell you something, that Lockheart fellow sure could of used some deodorant!
Draco is up on some stairs, slowly ripping pages out of books.(if you look closely in the movie, you will see that he is infact doing this) What Draco's doing isn't going to help the plot line any, and you will find that Draco does a lot of things in this movie for no apparent reason, but hey, what does it matter to ol' Chris Columbus anywayz?
Draco: I bet you loved that, didn't you Potter?
Harry: Obviously, I didn't. I bet you wouldn't have enjoyed being clasped underneath a guy's sweaty, stinky, armpit either!
Ginny: Yeah, leave him alone!
Draco: Look Potter, you got yourself a girlfriend!
Harry: Why are you teasing me about girls, Malfoy? I never see any girls standing up for you!
Draco: I'll get you for that you little bas-
Lucius:who suddenly appeared behind Draco Now, now Draco, play nicely...
Draco: Shut up dad, this is all your fault! If you would have just bought me that broom I wouldn't be so bitchy right now!
Lucius: Draco, you know very well that I am not your mother, and I do not just buy things for you at your command, like your some kind of prince!
Draco: Well you don't have to treat me like some kind of second-hand-clothes-wearing servant either!
Hermione: sighs happily Awww...doesn't it just warm your heart to see a father and son spending quality time together?
Ron:whispers to Harry Like father, like son...both spoiled bastards!
Lucius: Now you be quiet Draco, or I'll beat you with my nifty looking snake staff, and that's final! Now, as for you people...Harry Potter...is that you?
Harry ducks, and runs away, for fear of having to pose for publicity pictures again
Lucius:...Well, never mind then...now, let me see here...red hair...vacant expressions...dressed like the homeless...yes, I do believe you are the Weasleys, am I correct?
Ron: Yep, and we're poor!
Fred: I thought your signature saying was, 'I'm poor'
Ron: Oh yeah...and I'm poor! I also like to eat live frogs and shove crayons up my nose!
Lucius:...Yes...how very...nice, for you. And Hermione Granger...the stripper Draco talks so much about...
Hermione: How did he- Alright, look, I only stripped once, it was that one time and it was a life or death situation, can we PLEASE let it go?
Lucius: And your parents...muggles, are they not?
Hermione: They are, as you can see
Lucius:looks up at Aurthur The company you keep, Weasley senior...and I thought your family could sink no lower...
Aurthur: You know, I have half a mind to call you, Malfoy Senior! And your little brat there, Malfoy Junior!
Lucius: You wouldn't dare...
Draco: Deck him dad! He called me a brat!
Lucius: I'm sorry Draco, but I just can't strike a man, even Authur, who tells the truth about that...
Draco:punches Lucious in the arm I want you to deck him, NOW!
Lucius: I'm about to deck you, you little...sees that everyone's looking at him I mean, sweet, little boy. Now come Draco...we'll go get you that broom. looks at Aurthur See you at work
Aurthur: Hope you can keep control of that kid, Malfoy...
Lucius:glares and walks off
Ron: Well...umm...I'm still poor! You know, all this shopping has made me hungry, let's go eat some live frogs!