Author's notes(more like author's ranting, or author raving about how sucky
her life is.): As of 18th of August 2003 -
Yes, I've finally gotten over the dreaded Grade 6 Piano exam. *cries* I totally messed up. I missed a note and then I sat there for ten seconds just staring at my book, unable to continue.. *sigh* If I were the examiner, I would have failed me on the spot then and there. oh well.
Trials for PMR(stands for the Preposterous Moronic and Ridiculous exam -don't take that seriously.=P) are in a week (that is on 25th of August 2003) !!! Sqeeeeee. I have not studied yet. eheh. *laughs sheepishly* I think I'm taking these exams as a joke. I don't seem to be worried or anything. ehehehehe.
Thankee-sai to all the reviewers. and I'm sorry if some of you got confused over the strange chapter the last time.. I was kinda blur at that time, and in consequence so were my characters. Yaone was a trifle OOC wasn't she.. too dark and gloomy.
*huggles everyone* Well, once again, thank you all you wonderful reviewers. On to the next chapter! Please R & R..
21st August 2003- Tis' sad, it has taken me about 2 days to complete this..and it came out totally messed up.. . but I sort of like it so I'm putting it up. comments are, as always, appreciated.
Disclaimer: (haven't put them for some time) Nope, Hakkai and Yaone are not my creations, neither are they my property, all I'm doing is writing a story about them.
Written from Yaone's POV may be slightly OOC.
Chapter 7
------Yaone------
Seek, and you will not find. Lady Fate is quite cruel in this. She seems to delight in playing around with people's minds. Bringing something tantalisingly close, then snatching it away. Oh, the games she plays. She is probably laughing away somewhere, amused by us foolish mortals.
People keep on searching in vain for what is not to be found. And yet, there are some who search not, but they gain what has been so hard sought by others with almost no effort.
This hardly seems fair, does it?
But nothing in this world is very fair. That's sad but true.
I've longed for so long after the love of another man, and now, I find myself drawn irresistibly to someone else, just when the one I loved for so long seems to finally be showing an interest in me. To make things simple, I have loved Kougaji for so long, and he has never returned my love, at least not visibly. Now, when he finally shows that he might love me, I find myself falling for another man. Not just any other man, but Cho Hakkai, my friend who is also my enemy, in a way.
Cruel irony isn't it?
I am not sure of my feelings at all. The only thing I know is that when I see him, something, a very special feeling rises up from somewhere inside me. I feel happy, safe and comfortable with him. With Kougaji, all I know is uncertainty and bitterness. If what I feel for Hakkai truly is love, well, I'm tempted to choose him.
All my life, I've been searching for something. When Kougaji saved me from that demon, I thought I had found it. I was so sure, so certain. I loved Kougaji, and no matter what I would always love him. But now, now, Hakkai comes in. My life is shaken, and now, maybe, just maybe, maybe I made the wrong choice after all. Do I truly love Kougaji? Or is Hakkai the one I love?
I am tired, oh so very tired. So many decisions to make, so many choices. I had stability and I was content. Then, I had this time together with Hakkai. I never want it to end. I have had trouble admitting that to myself, but now I say it without fear. I never want to leave this place. Here, alone in the wilderness with Cho Hakkai, I am happy.
Sadly, I know that this time will never last. Time passes by, and daily, I can see him gaining strength. Soon, we will leave this place forever, and all that I will be left with will be memories.
He will go back to his friends, and I will return back to Kougaji's castle, once again weighed down with the pressure of unrequited love. But I forget something. Kougaji-sama. lately it seems that his feelings for me have changed, or maybe they are just showing more blatantly. I am not boasting, and I am not vain, but I have perceived that he likes me more than he dares to show.
Kougaji loves me. I try this in my head, repeating it, feeling how strange it sounds. I used to dream about something like this happening, something from Kougaji that would finally show me that he cared for me. Never did I dream that a complication in the form of a beautiful dark-haired, emerald- eyed young man would tear me apart so.
What a complicated and horrible thing this emotion called love is. It has never brought anything but pain and sorrow to me. How can so many poems, so many songs be written on this dastardly emotion, that messes up lives, changes things, muddies up situations? Life would be so happy and easy without this thing we call love.
But it would also be totally empty. Without love, how would us, mere mortals get through our dull and mundane existences? It is always love that drives us on, love of self, self-sacrificing love, hope of love, promise of love, love of cause, love of justice, love of power, love for another, love of peace. The whole world runs on love. I understand the old saying "Love makes the world go round." Let the cynics scoff. It's true. We are nothing without love.
Here I am, sitting down in a cave, watching the stars beside the most wonderful man I will ever know, trying to sort out my life, confused, angry and depressed all because of this emotion called love.
Love it or hate it, it is here to stay. And I have to bear with it. I have to make my choice, so that all parties involved will not be hurt more than necessary. I'm afraid though. I'm afraid that the choice that I will make will be the wrong one, and I'll spend the rest of my life regretting it. That's the only thing that holds me back. I'm too scared that what I choose will be wrong.
Tears build up in my eyes and they threaten to fall, showing the world how weak and frail I am. I grit my teeth in attempt to hold them back. I don't want to be weak, I don't want to be someone to protect. That is what draws me to Hakkai. Though he cares about me, he respects me as a warrior in my own right. All Kougaji ever did was save me over and over again. As a result, often, he tends to put down my fighting abilities, albeit unknowingly, but it still hurts me. I want to be someone he trusts, someone he can lean on, someone he can turn to.
But all I am to him. I don't know what can I be. What place have I in Kougaji-sama's life? What benefit can I give him?
No matter how I twist and turn it, everything comes back to this one question: Who do I love, Hakkai or Kougaji?
~~~~
Yes, I've finally gotten over the dreaded Grade 6 Piano exam. *cries* I totally messed up. I missed a note and then I sat there for ten seconds just staring at my book, unable to continue.. *sigh* If I were the examiner, I would have failed me on the spot then and there. oh well.
Trials for PMR(stands for the Preposterous Moronic and Ridiculous exam -don't take that seriously.=P) are in a week (that is on 25th of August 2003) !!! Sqeeeeee. I have not studied yet. eheh. *laughs sheepishly* I think I'm taking these exams as a joke. I don't seem to be worried or anything. ehehehehe.
Thankee-sai to all the reviewers. and I'm sorry if some of you got confused over the strange chapter the last time.. I was kinda blur at that time, and in consequence so were my characters. Yaone was a trifle OOC wasn't she.. too dark and gloomy.
*huggles everyone* Well, once again, thank you all you wonderful reviewers. On to the next chapter! Please R & R..
21st August 2003- Tis' sad, it has taken me about 2 days to complete this..and it came out totally messed up.. . but I sort of like it so I'm putting it up. comments are, as always, appreciated.
Disclaimer: (haven't put them for some time) Nope, Hakkai and Yaone are not my creations, neither are they my property, all I'm doing is writing a story about them.
Written from Yaone's POV may be slightly OOC.
Chapter 7
------Yaone------
Seek, and you will not find. Lady Fate is quite cruel in this. She seems to delight in playing around with people's minds. Bringing something tantalisingly close, then snatching it away. Oh, the games she plays. She is probably laughing away somewhere, amused by us foolish mortals.
People keep on searching in vain for what is not to be found. And yet, there are some who search not, but they gain what has been so hard sought by others with almost no effort.
This hardly seems fair, does it?
But nothing in this world is very fair. That's sad but true.
I've longed for so long after the love of another man, and now, I find myself drawn irresistibly to someone else, just when the one I loved for so long seems to finally be showing an interest in me. To make things simple, I have loved Kougaji for so long, and he has never returned my love, at least not visibly. Now, when he finally shows that he might love me, I find myself falling for another man. Not just any other man, but Cho Hakkai, my friend who is also my enemy, in a way.
Cruel irony isn't it?
I am not sure of my feelings at all. The only thing I know is that when I see him, something, a very special feeling rises up from somewhere inside me. I feel happy, safe and comfortable with him. With Kougaji, all I know is uncertainty and bitterness. If what I feel for Hakkai truly is love, well, I'm tempted to choose him.
All my life, I've been searching for something. When Kougaji saved me from that demon, I thought I had found it. I was so sure, so certain. I loved Kougaji, and no matter what I would always love him. But now, now, Hakkai comes in. My life is shaken, and now, maybe, just maybe, maybe I made the wrong choice after all. Do I truly love Kougaji? Or is Hakkai the one I love?
I am tired, oh so very tired. So many decisions to make, so many choices. I had stability and I was content. Then, I had this time together with Hakkai. I never want it to end. I have had trouble admitting that to myself, but now I say it without fear. I never want to leave this place. Here, alone in the wilderness with Cho Hakkai, I am happy.
Sadly, I know that this time will never last. Time passes by, and daily, I can see him gaining strength. Soon, we will leave this place forever, and all that I will be left with will be memories.
He will go back to his friends, and I will return back to Kougaji's castle, once again weighed down with the pressure of unrequited love. But I forget something. Kougaji-sama. lately it seems that his feelings for me have changed, or maybe they are just showing more blatantly. I am not boasting, and I am not vain, but I have perceived that he likes me more than he dares to show.
Kougaji loves me. I try this in my head, repeating it, feeling how strange it sounds. I used to dream about something like this happening, something from Kougaji that would finally show me that he cared for me. Never did I dream that a complication in the form of a beautiful dark-haired, emerald- eyed young man would tear me apart so.
What a complicated and horrible thing this emotion called love is. It has never brought anything but pain and sorrow to me. How can so many poems, so many songs be written on this dastardly emotion, that messes up lives, changes things, muddies up situations? Life would be so happy and easy without this thing we call love.
But it would also be totally empty. Without love, how would us, mere mortals get through our dull and mundane existences? It is always love that drives us on, love of self, self-sacrificing love, hope of love, promise of love, love of cause, love of justice, love of power, love for another, love of peace. The whole world runs on love. I understand the old saying "Love makes the world go round." Let the cynics scoff. It's true. We are nothing without love.
Here I am, sitting down in a cave, watching the stars beside the most wonderful man I will ever know, trying to sort out my life, confused, angry and depressed all because of this emotion called love.
Love it or hate it, it is here to stay. And I have to bear with it. I have to make my choice, so that all parties involved will not be hurt more than necessary. I'm afraid though. I'm afraid that the choice that I will make will be the wrong one, and I'll spend the rest of my life regretting it. That's the only thing that holds me back. I'm too scared that what I choose will be wrong.
Tears build up in my eyes and they threaten to fall, showing the world how weak and frail I am. I grit my teeth in attempt to hold them back. I don't want to be weak, I don't want to be someone to protect. That is what draws me to Hakkai. Though he cares about me, he respects me as a warrior in my own right. All Kougaji ever did was save me over and over again. As a result, often, he tends to put down my fighting abilities, albeit unknowingly, but it still hurts me. I want to be someone he trusts, someone he can lean on, someone he can turn to.
But all I am to him. I don't know what can I be. What place have I in Kougaji-sama's life? What benefit can I give him?
No matter how I twist and turn it, everything comes back to this one question: Who do I love, Hakkai or Kougaji?
~~~~