Chapter 15 - Nighttime Revelations

DISCLAIMER: We (unfortunately) do not own Star Wars. :P

Author's Note: In which Vader broods and talks to Anakin about everything. Aaaand... this is another longer-ish chapter. :)

WARNING: Suicidal thoughts.

To the guest who reviewed: We actually do that! Many of the fics we're posting are actually done being written. We simply follow a releasing schedule instead of dumping everything at once. And since there are three of us posting under the same penname, we can be in the middle of many different WIPs at any given time, many of which we haven't even started posting yet. :)

~ Amina Gila

Sometimes, Vader thinks that his only purpose is that of destruction. He feels as if he's stumbling blindly, unable to do anything right, no matter how hard he tries. He thought that he could guide Anakin, show him how to be a powerful Sith, make him stronger than he already is. And perhaps he could, but it's only now, too late, that he realizes how much it would change the younger. Vader never intended to hurt Anakin, and he hates himself for doing so. He made a mistake, and it's one which he refuses to make again.

When Vader first felt Anakin again on Mortis, he had been forced to remember how bright he used to be. How light. How… good. And maybe it's strange and messed up, but he's grown accustomed – addicted, even – to that presence. It's so similar to his own, and yet, it's also so very different. He hates himself for compelling Anakin to embrace the Dark Side in the same way he himself did. He should have known better; he should have known that forcing Anakin to sacrifice whatever goodness makes him… him would be for the worst.

And now that he's the Emperor, he hardly knows what to do now. He intends to bring peace and justice, to find a way by which the galaxy can be reunited without bloodshed. For Sidious, in his past, he did and caused so much damage at his Master's whim. And even beyond that. He enjoyed it too, even though he knew, if only subconsciously, that it was not an effective way of dealing with the galaxy. Now that he is the Emperor, he has to do what will be best for him, for his Empire, for his people. He can't rule the way Sidious did. He can't afford to leave Coruscant frequently on military campaigns, and he would never do that to Anakin. The Jedi would sooner fight him than comply, and he doesn't want to do that to the clones.

He is changing so much. And Vader doesn't know how to deal with it. It's because of Anakin, because seeing the way he used to be, seeing the goodness and compassion and empathy which Anakin has for every living being… it's changing him. He isn't as likely to do things which will result in many deaths, not when he knows Anakin won't approve. … Ironic how, even now, he is trying to prove himself, in a sense, to Anakin. Vader doesn't know what to make of that, but he thinks that he might be able to do what Sidious failed in, that he might be able to repair the galaxy and restore peace without senseless slaughter.

In spite of the changes, or perhaps because of them, Vader has come to loathe himself even more than he did in the past. It's obvious, next to Anakin, how dark and twisted and broken and evil he is. He hates it. He hates himself for even being bothered by it, and he wouldn't be, if his Master was here. It was all much easier when Vader only had to live to serve the Emperor. He obeyed his Master, followed his every command, studied all things Sith in his free time to bolster his power. He lost his family. He destroyed his family. And he hates himself for that. There is no one in the galaxy that he loathes more than himself.

Not for the first time, Vader darkly wonders what would happen if he ended it all. He wouldn't, of course, because it would kill Anakin too, but the thought is… exciting in a way. It's probably a good thing that it's nighttime, because otherwise, the younger would be nagging him about these thoughts. Vader had rested for a couple hours, but then, he got up, because there are too many things to do, and sleeping at night – when Anakin is – only makes it probable that they'll be trapped in another nightmare loop. That would be a rather unpleasant experience to say the least. Once was more than enough, thank you very much.

They're still in the Senate building, which is weird to say the least, but it's not as if either of them has a better place to go right now. Vader plans to raid Sidious' apartment at 500 Republica in the morning. Maybe he can clean it out and actually make it livable for himself and Anakin. Maybe. He doesn't know if it will be possible to clean out the presence of his old master from the walls, but they can try.

He rises from the desk, which is now his, tired of staring at the same datapad and trying to comprehend all of the information it contains. Why would anyone want a position like this, given how much paperwork and political knowledge it requires? Ugh. It doesn't make sense, but he asked for this, and he deserves no less than the discomfort it brings him.

After a moment, he paces to the window, staring out at the nighttime sky of Coruscant. It's bustling with activity, which is not unusual, even for night. For a moment, it sends a furious, burning rage coursing through Vader. He hates that he's forced to live as a shadow of a man; nothing he does will ever allow him to regain his humanity, and yes, perhaps he is used to the suit and the endless, agonizing pain, but he still finds that he resents it sometimes. Death would be a mercy, even now, even though he doesn't want to leave Anakin.

After a moment, he unclips his lightsaber hilt from his belt, spinning it between his fingers as he admires the craftsmanship and wonders what it would feel like if he pressed the end up to his chest, right beneath the control panel and pushed the ignition. He wouldn't actually do it, but there's something satisfying about the thought, about imagining the red-hot blade piercing through his heart. It would hurt, but it would all be over then. What will death feel like, he wonders? Will he cease to exist? Does it even matter?

In a sense, yes, it does. He doesn't want to cease to exist, even if he deserves no less, even if it might be for the betterment of all if his life simply… stopped. Vader hardly notices that he's toying with the hilt, holding the igniting end pointing towards his chest, until he senses that Anakin is entering the room – he had been sleeping in the antechamber, which was maybe a bit awkward, but no one other than the clones would know anyways. Somehow, the younger awoke without Vader even registering it, probably because he was so caught up in his own thoughts.

He stills, slowly lowering his hand and clipping the lightsaber back to his belt before he turns towards Anakin. His expression is inscrutable, though there are emotions simmering just beneath the surface in a silent turmoil. Vader tries not to pry, he really does, but he can still sense the shock, disbelief, sadness, and sympathy.

Anakin opens his mouth, closing it again, before slowly skirting the desk and coming to stand in front of Vader. "Talk to me," he requests, quietly.

Vader jerks a little, taken aback by the surprising invitation. He had thought that Anakin might respond differently, might even – does he know what Vader was thinking, even if he would never have carried through? For a moment, he's speechless, unsure how to respond. He can't remember the last time someone was like this with him. Pa- his Angel, perhaps? Perhaps. Or – or Ahsoka. He wants to cry, suddenly, when he remembers her, actually remembers, and not the distant recollections which he's had of everything and everyone since Mustafar. He remembers her warmth, her brightness, her smile, her loyalty, her steadfastness. (His Snips.)

She might have left him, betrayed him, abandoned him, but that was probably for the best. He betrayed the rest of his once-family. He didn't need to do the same to her. She always held a special place in his heart, just as he did for her, and they supported each other. They had each other in a way he didn't have anyone else. He doesn't know why he's thinking of her now, so suddenly, and he struggles to banish those memories. She's gone, like everyone else. His family is no more than a distant echo. Even if they were alive… it no longer matters because he's in another time, another place. They're gone. Forever.

Or maybe it's just that it's only now sinking in that he'll never see them again. He'll never know if Ahsoka survived. He'll never know what happened to Obi-Wan. He'll never know anything about them ever again because time and space are forever keeping them apart. Not him, not his actions, not his betrayals, not… anything other than circumstance. And, of course, his own choices. He chose this. He chose to come back here, not once thinking of what it might mean. He regrets it but not so much that he wouldn't do the same thing again, even now.

It is… he has felt like this, before. He is not wholly unfamiliar with grief – he has experienced it many times and with many people – but it is… strange to be grieving the loss of his entire universe. Perhaps it would be better like this. It will be, he's certain, but it still hurts.

"I – you're changing me." He doesn't know why he says it.

Anakin blinks at him, seeming completely taken by surprise, before one corner of his mouth lifts into a half-smile. "Is that a bad thing?"

Vader lets his respirator cycle once, and then, "Perhaps not. It is… unsettling, in many ways though. This –" he gestures at the office around him, "I never expected it would be mine. I never thought it could be. I did not know what I would do if it ever was. I… am accustomed to obeying Sidious. It was my role. I fought for him. I killed for him. I did everything he wanted me to. And yet… I also enjoyed it."

"The killing," the younger clarifies, dismayed.

He inclines his head. "That," he concedes, "And the violence that came with it. I lived it. I breathed it for – ever since I joined him." He lets his respirator cycle twice, and Anakin waits silently for him to go on, to say whatever is on his mind. "This is not the kind of life to which I am accustomed. It is… different. Not bad, perhaps, but still different."

"It hurts us to kill," Anakin says softly.

Vader clenches his hands. "I know. Pain fuels the Dark Side." His pain over the loss of his entire universe will fuel the Dark Side too. Perhaps, that is why he is feeling so much darker than before. It's a calm, controlled fury that burns through him, and somehow, unlike before, Anakin is remaining relatively untouched. His shields are strong, and he stands unflinching amidst the storm and chaos that is Vader right now.

"I – it is possible that the implications of my arrival have only now sunken in," he admits. He has nothing to hide from Anakin, nothing to fear from him. "I am here… and whoever was there is gone forever." His vocoder filters out the emotion in his words, but Vader knows Anakin can still feel the aching loneliness and loss through their bond.

Anakin reaches out, clasping his arm. "I'm sorry." It's not really adequate, but then again, nothing ever could be. His presence, though, is soothing, and Vader closes his eyes for a moment, letting himself bask in the presence of the brilliant star next to him, even as a part of him aches helplessly.

"I probably deserve it," he replies bitterly. "I know what I said in the past, but… what happened is my doing, and my doing alone. I did this. It is my fault I lost them. They… betrayed me, true, but I betrayed them first." This is the first time he's ever given voice to these things to anyone other than Sidious – if his old Master ever deigned to speak to him about such subjects, it was to torment him and drive in how disloyal he is. Maybe the only reason it's even coming up now is because he can no longer try to hide from what he did. He left… the world he had, and it's all gone forever now.

"What did you do?" Anakin asks, thinly veiled curiosity mingled with worry in his voice.

Vader had already long accepted that he would be telling Anakin the full truth, but that doesn't make it any easier. "You might want to sit down."

Anakin gives him a wary look. "That bad, huh?" He sounds… apprehensive now, though he hides it well as he sits down at the desk, spinning the chair towards Vader and waiting.

"It was towards the end of the Clone Wars," Vader relates, "Around a year and a half from now, and – and I had been on the front lines for nearly five months straight. We returned when the Separatists attacked Coruscant. Obi-Wan and I rescued the Chancellor, and I killed Dooku. The war was nearly over. When I reunited with – with Padme," And how it hurts to say her name and think about his wife instead of Anakin's, "I discovered that she was pregnant. I was… elated."

"This is the happiest day of my life."

"Everything seemed to be perfect, but that night, I had a vision of Padme dying in childbirth." Anakin sucks in a sharp breath, eyes widening. He says nothing, remaining silent and letting Vader go on when he's ready. "I feared it coming about," Vader continues, "I feared losing her… and the child. I went to Yoda, but he could not help. And then – then Sidious told me of the legend of Darth Plagueis, a Sith who had learned how to stop death. Obi-Wan left to fight Grievous, and when Sidious revealed himself, I went to the Jedi. They tried to kill him. I could not let them do that when I needed him."

"So you stopped them, didn't you?" Anakin inquires.

"I… yes. I pledged myself to Sidious then, and he sent me to deal with the traitors. He issued Order 66, and I led the clones on the Temple." He remembers it still, vividly, flashes of the smoke, the fire, the screams, the blasterfire, the death. "I… destroyed everything, everyone… even the younglings." Not all of them, of course, but many of them, the elder ones who had thought to hide in the Council chambers. They hadn't understood, not really, when he killed them. That was only the beginning.

"The…" Anakin whispers, almost uncomprehending. Even in the darkness of the room, the only lights being those from outside the window, his face seems pale.

Vader pushes on, unwilling to stop now lest he never start again. He deserves the condemnation. "Sidious sent me to Mustafar to destroy the Separatist leaders. I had doubts. Questions. Regrets. And then – then Padme came. She heard what I had done from Obi-Wan, but I was drunk on the Dark Side then. I wouldn't listen to reason." Her pleading face still haunts his nightmares sometimes, but he won't censor anything. Anakin deserves the full truth. "She begged me to stop, to leave with her. I wouldn't. I thought I was strong enough to destroy Sidious then. I thought I could take over the Empire and lay it at her feet."

He pauses, letting his respirator cycle once, feeling the numbing horror and longing and despair creeping over him. He no longer knows which emotions are his own and which are Anakin's. "Obi-Wan was on her ship – perhaps she betrayed me; perhaps not. I do not know. But when I saw him there, I – I was furious, betrayed. I lashed out and started choking her." Saying the words aloud only makes his crimes seem that much more appalling.

"I let her go, and she fell, unconscious. That's when Obi-Wan and I fought. He cut off my limbs and left me to burn to death. Sidious rescued me, remade me, told me I had killed Padme. I believed him, but I no longer know if it is the truth. In the future the Son showed you, I saw that the child, children survived, so I do not know what happened for sure."

"Oh Force," breathes Anakin, running a shaking hand over his face. "I – I don't even know what to say to all that. I just… need a moment to process."

Vader remains silent, giving the younger a chance to get his tumultuous thoughts under control. It feels like an eternity before Anakin sighs heavily, looking up and meeting his eyes, expression almost haunted. "I don't understand how you could have done that," he admits, shaking his head. He pushes himself to his feet and begins pacing back and forth, stopping and crossing his arms, staring at nothing for a moment before turning towards Vader. He's radiating disbelief and anger, and Vader has no idea what he's thinking right now. "Why would you do something like that?! There were children…"

"I thought it was necessary to gain the power to save Padme from certain death. I – I thought there was no other way. I felt like I had no choice." It would be easier to try and defend himself, but he consciously tries to refrain from doing so, instead answering as truthfully as he can, regardless of how much easier it would be to let himself continue believing something that… is not exactly the truth.

"But you still chose to do it," Anakin says bluntly.

"Yes. I did." Somehow, the possibility of facing even Anakin's disappointment makes him want to… hide, lash out, something.

"You must have known Padme would never approve of such a thing. I – I can't even imagine myself doing it… though I know I can hardly compare our situations, because everything is so different now, but still…" Anakin trails off with a heavy sigh. "I'm – you said I'm changing you, well, I think you're changing me too. Not that it's a bad thing. But. I suppose this –" he gestures vaguely, not really pointing at anything in particular, "– is giving me a chance to better see… how things went wrong. Could have gone wrong. How…" He chokes on the words, looking for all the world as though this is the hardest thing he's ever had to say. "…I was falling without even seeing it… Did you enjoy it? Killing the children at the Temple?"

Vader physically takes a step back as the question lashes into him. "No! You should know. You should know better than that. Don't forget what we did to the Tuskens." Maybe there's bitterness in his words, but he can't help but bring up that incident in their past which they have both long tried to forget.

Anakin's expression is stricken, and he stiffens. "I…" He lets out a slow breath, resignation echoing into the Force. "That was wrong," he murmurs, bowing his head and staring at the floor, admitting something that he – and Vader, too – has long known. "I knew it at the time, but I ignored it. I didn't – I didn't want to accept what I had done. I tried to justify it, but I hated myself for it." He pauses, looking up at Vader. "It was wrong. I know that. I – I can accept that now after seeing where avoiding acknowledgment of it has – could take me."

Vader is silent for a long moment, trying to digest Anakin's unexpected admission. "I know what I did was wrong. I have always known, I think, on some level, but… I ignored it. I couldn't stop. I did not think I could stop or… come back. I had nothing to fight for except my Master. I gave him my loyalty, and yet, I often thought about betraying him." Vader pauses again, letting his respirator cycle once. "I… made the wrong choice."

Anakin's lips twist into a bitter, despairing smile. "You think?"

If Vader could flinch, he would have. It's one thing knowing that he messed up majorly. It's quite another to hear it from someone else.

"I don't want to rub it in, okay?" Anakin offers. "But I – words can't express how this makes me feel. Seeing that… me, or you, or any version of us, could do something like that, Fall to that level…" He shakes his head, looking tormented. "It's hard."

"I'm sorry," Vader says almost automatically.

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to," Anakin blurts out, and then winces. "That was a bit harsh, I think. Look. Don't – don't worry. I'm not leaving you. We've come this far together, okay? I think we can manage. I think you can change. You just need to stop choosing to do the wrong things. Killing is… necessary, sometimes, but it's usually avoidable. We've always chosen to try and avoid it when we can. We need to do that now. We need to – I think you can fix things. None of what you did has happened here. That was in another reality. Which… doesn't make it much better. So, try to fix things. Make them better."

Dully, Vader realizes what Anakin is saying without really saying it. It's more implied than anything else, but oh, it hurts. "You don't trust me anymore."

The younger's expression is a bit… sheepish at those words, but he doesn't instantly deny it. "I don't know. Maybe. I am… wary to trust your judgement. I know you're the Emperor, but maybe we need to talk about everything and make decisions together. You need to tell me what you're planning. We have to talk about it. I – I don't think I can continue to blindly follow you like I was before. I – Vader…"

"I know. I know, Anakin. It's alright," he promises. "I deserve it."

"I'm sorry."

Vader doesn't ask for what. For what Anakin said, for how he feels, for what Vader's going through… It probably doesn't matter. "It's okay. We can figure this out together."

"Yes," Anakin agrees, something almost relieved and hopeful in his eyes.

Vader slowly holds out his arms, silently offering Anakin comfort if he chooses to accept it. After a momentary hesitation – it stings that Anakin even has to hesitate, even thinks he needs to – Anakin steps forwards, wrapping his arms around Vader and holding onto him. Vader returns the embrace immediately. They have a lot to figure out, but Vader finds that he feels much better now that he's told Anakin everything. There is nothing more unsaid which could pull them apart. Anakin knows the truth, and he still chose to stay. That has to mean something… right?

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