"I'm so sorry Luka, but I can't do it. I just can't." Abby wept into the phone, talking so fast that all her words ran together so that they seemed to form one giant word.
"Abby, slow down," Luka had barely gotten two hours sleep the night before, his mind had kept going through all the possibilities, and Abby was talking so fast he couldn't understand a single word.
"Now, what's wrong?" He asked after hearing Abby's breathing calm down on the other end of the line.
"I can't be a mother Luka; I'm just not cut out for it."
Luka sank down in the chair where he was sitting. His hopes were dashed; his chance of being a father again was being ripped from his grasp. His hands clenched around his shirt as the thick empty feeling sank into his stomach.
"Are you still there?" She yelled down the phone.
"Yeah, I'm still here." Luka answered, letting out the breath that he didn't realise he'd been holding. "I said I'd support you in whatever decision you made, and I'm a man of my word." He could only hope he sounded convincing, because he sure as hell didn't mean it. How could he be okay with it all? It was very clear to anyone who knew him just how much it would mean to him to have a child again.
"Thank you." Abby said quietly.
"When are you planning on going to the clinic? I'll come with you; I won't have you going alone." Every fibre of his being was yelling at him, there was no way he could do that. There was no way he could be there with her and just stand back as she killed their child. But he knew it was the right thing to do, she'd need someone there for support,
"I went last night; it's all over and done with."
Shock ran through him, his blood seemed to grow cold. All night as he had been up wondering, hoping that she'd decide to have the child, it was already dead. It was as if he didn't matter, as if he didn't have any feelings at all to consider. He'd been left out of making the decision, and now he'd been pushed aside, not even deemed important enough to be told until it was all over and done with.
"Thanks for calling and letting me know," Luka whispered down the phone, doing his best to keep all the bitterness he felt out of his voice, "You should try to get some rest, you need it. I'll talk to you later."
He hung up the phone before she even had a chance to reply. Somehow, he didn't care how that made her feel. She sure didn't seem to have considered his feelings. Not that he could really figure out what his feelings were at that exact moment. He felt completely numb, he couldn't feel a thing. The slight sensation of his fingers tapping idly against his thigh was the only sign he had that he was still there, that he was still alive.
The ER was fairly quiet as the doctors, nurses and patients all walked around, each with their own purpose, each on their way somewhere. It was a pointless, never-ending dance that happened everyday. What was done today would have to be done again tomorrow. At least that's how Luka felt about the whole thing as he watched the world spin around him.
Nothing seemed to work, nothing could break him out of his melancholic mood. He was sure his patients were feeling the brunt of it; he was spending the minimum amount of time needed with them. If he made it through the day without any complaints it would be a miracle. Kerry was going to kill him, he was sure of it. And yet, he couldn't urge himself to even care about it. None of it really mattered to him. He couldn't even find the will to move from where he stood leaning against the desk at admit. He just stayed there, a chart open in front him giving the illusion that he was working.
A mass of shiny blonde curls caught his attention as the owner walked right past him. The woman was small, petite and wearing scrubs. She turned around and he found himself captivated by her smile, it was almost infectious, his own lips started curling up into a slight smile as she laughed at something Pratt was saying.
She was new, he hadn't seen her before. A nurse, he guessed since she was wearing scrubs. There was something about her, something he couldn't quite put his finger on, but something that drew him to her. He found himself watching her every move, staring unashamedly at her as she worked.
"Enjoying the show?"
Luka felt his cheeks going red as she stood there in front of him, hands on her hips waiting for his answer. He tried to speak, but only managed a few unintelligible sounds. She made him feel so nervous. Most of it was from him feeling slightly guilty for staring at her so openly. Given the reputation he had at the hospital, he dreaded to think what she thought of him.
"Relax," She reassured him smiling, "I won't bite! I was just curious as to why you were staring at me."
Luka still couldn't seem to speak; he knew he shouldn't have been staring at her. And he didn't have an answer as to why he was staring. Saying something like it was because she was so beautiful sounded so corny, he wouldn't even attempt it.
"The least you could do is tell me your name."
"I'm . . um . . Luka, Kovac." He could feel his cheeks burning up; she was making him feel so nervous, that he could just about manage to say his name.
"Dr Kovac eh? The other nurses have told me all about you." She laughed seemingly enjoying his embarrassment. "My name is Sam Taggart, I'm the new nurse."
The rest of the day seemed to fly by, as Luka spent most of it watching Sam, this time more discreetly. He knew he shouldn't, he was dating Abby. But he was only looking, what harm could it do? Besides, all the time he spent enthralled by Sam's appearance he didn't think about anything else. And it felt good to think about something, anything else.
It was only when he sat down in the doctor's lounge at the end of the day that it all came creeping back into his mind. His child was gone. Even though he hadn't allowed himself to get excited about it, he now realised that he had been looking forward to each, despite himself. He leaned forward, placing his head in his hands and sighed.
"Long day?"
Luka sat up and found Sam staring down at him. He found he had butterflies in his stomach at the sight of her.
"I just found out this morning that my girlfriend had an abortion." The words flew out of his mouth without him even thinking about it. He was surprised at his own openness; he found it hard to talk to Abby about his feelings, never mind a complete stranger. But here he was, telling this new nurse, who he'd spent the afternoon practically fantasising about.
"Without telling you?" Sam asked sitting down beside him. "That's pretty harsh."
"I know I told her that it was her decision, but . . . I don't know, I guess I never really thought she'd really give the child up. She knows how much I want to be a father again. She knows that I lost my two children. I guess I expected that to factor in on her decision. Even if she wanted no part in raising it, I would have found a way to manage. It was my child too, and she didn't even have the decency to tell me before she had the termination."
Sam just listened as he let his feelings out, she didn't try to interrupt him or make some comment. She just listened as he went on to tell her everything, every detail of his life, his past. Pausing, Luka took a moment to look, really look at her face. He couldn't help but notice her dark brown eyes. They seemed older than she was, full of life experience. He could tell she had her own secrets, her own skeletons which she didn't like to talk about. Her eyes held all the sorrow and pain that she didn't let into the rest of her. She turned her head away slightly, as if she knew what he was thinking and didn't want him to see too deep into her.
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to go on like that. I barely know you, and I shouldn't have expected you to have wanted to hear my life story."
"No, its okay," She replied, snapping her head back around to look at him. "In a way I know how you feel. A few years ago I had a miscarriage, so I know what it's like to lose a child before it's born." Her eyes filled up slightly.
Luka felt almost compelled to touch her, comfort her in some way and at the same time gain some comfort himself. He managed to put an arm around her, attempting to bring her in closer to him. She gazed up at him, surprised by his touch. He leaned in towards her, his face inches from hers. She didn't move, or say anything; and that encouraged him to go further. He didn't think about what he was doing, he didn't want to.
Moving closer still, he could feel her breath on his lips, it wouldn't take much more for their lips to be touching. His heart was racing, her warm breath on his lips was almost too much and her wide eyes gazing into his was driving him wild. He couldn't wait any longer. Licking his lips slightly he moved to close the gap between them.
Ray chose that moment to come crashing into the room, banging the door as he opened it. Sam jumped back out of Luka's reach, standing up. Luka was left cursing Ray, he had been so close. The fact that it would have been wrong never entered Luka's mind, Abby seemed to have been forgotten. Ray didn't stay in the room long, he just grabbed something from his locker and swept out of the room as quick as he'd come in.
"I should be going." Sam whispered.
"I'll walk out with you." He replied.
Luka couldn't figure out what she was thinking. She was doing her best to avoid his gaze. They walked out to the entrance in silence. Once outside, Luka stepped in front of her to stop her from going anywhere.
"About what happened just now . . . ." He began.
"Forget it; you were upset, we were both tired after a long shift. It wasn't your fault." She feigned a slight smile in an attempt to prove everything was okay.
"I really appreciate you listening to all my problems. If I can ever do anything?" He made it a question.
"Don't worry about it; we all need a shoulder to lean on every now and then."
Luka didn't get a chance to answer; something else had taken her attention. She quickly said goodbye and ran off. Luka turned around to see her kissing a man. It wasn't until she pulled back that he saw it was Carter. He stopped breathing for a second, realisation sinking. She was Carter's new girlfriend. The girl that had made Carter smile again, give him a reason to get up every morning. And he had almost kissed her.
Carter put his arm around her, and they started walking away. His whole attention was on her, and Luka was glad because it meant he didn't notice him staring. He was sure if Carter saw him; the guilt he felt would show on his face giving everything away. He barely saw Sam glance back at him, holding her gaze with his for a fleeting moment before turning her attention back to the man at her side, leaving Luka alone in the ambulance bay.