Wake The Hope
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Dear Ms Sidle,
I don't know quite how to begin this; you probably don't even know who I am. My name is Rosa Avery – or Number 518, seeing as I never did get round to fixing my name down on my mailbox – I guess I won't have to now. This isn't a cry for help, Ms Sidle. Not for me, at any rate. I think I am beyond help and that's just how it is. I'm about to make a very strange request and I hope you won't dismiss it as the trivial demands of some mad woman who just happens to live in your building. This is serious, Ms Sidle. I don't know who else to turn to.
I won't bore you with the details of my life. It just a mess of mistakes and bad decisions made by one helluva messed-up person. I have a baby son, Ms Sidle – by the time you read this, you'll have met him. His name is Nathaniel. Nathaniel Avery – I'll put in a birth certificate and all the records I can find on him for you, to make things easier for you. I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll cut to the chase, Ms Sidle – Nathaniel's better off without me. This is no joke – it wouldn't be very funny if it was. I've thought about this very hard and by the time you read this, you won't be able to stop me. I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me get on with it, anyway. My life has been a goddamn wreck from start to finish and it's time it was over. And this is why I've got all this information on Nathaniel for you. I know this might seem like a really crazy request, but I'm asking you to look after him for me. To be the mother to him that I never, never was or ever will be. I am sure that this will be the best thing I ever do for Nathaniel. Please don't make me wrong on this, too.
There's no-one else I can turn to; my ex-husband, Steve Avery took off before Nathaniel was born and there's no chance of him coming back to take care of him for me. That's just how it is, Ms Sidle – you fall for the wrong people and can't pick yourself up. Although I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that. But despite my whole screw-up of a life, please don't write this off as nothing. I thought this one through a lot. When I do something, I like to do it properly and I picked you out for a reason. You're a cop, aren't you? Or something like that. You seem the sensible type of person who wouldn't fall apart with something like this, not like I did. You'd know what to do – I'm sure you'll do the right thing. I watched you for a while, I hope you don't mind. You got up, you went to work and you came home. You never brought home sleazy guys late at night or anything like that. Your mail was always picked up on the morning that it came and you took your trash out every week. I think that if I chose to leave my son in any pair of safe hands, they would have to be yours.
This is an important request, Ms Sidle. I'm sure you can appreciate that. I don't mind if you want to tell Nathaniel about me or not when he grows up – I don't mind what you decide to do, so long as you promise me you'll love him and look after him. I know I can trust you to do that and that is why I'm not looking for any more therapy or counselling or help. I'm happy – strange as it may be – I'm happy with my decision. I know now that I can die and that Nathaniel will be fine. He will be better than fine, I am sure of it. He will be happier, better looked-after and more loved with you than with anybody else. I was never meant to be a mother, Ms Sidle. Things happen sometimes, things that shouldn't happen to us, but there's nothing we can do except deal with things the best we can.
And I am doing just that. Please don't think I'm just taking the easy way out. This is the best way to do things, Ms Sidle – you are the best chance for Nathaniel. It sounds crazy, doesn't it? We've never exchanged any words much past 'Good Morning' but I've thought about this for a very long time and I know what I am doing. You look responsible and you look grounded. And I also thought you could really love someone.
Thank you. I know you'll make the right decision.
Rosa Avery.
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