The silence between them made it feel like they were miles apart. Standing in the ambulance bay, neither one really felt the cold air wrapping itself around them. It was the first day Abby had seen Luka since the abortion, and that had been a week ago. Now, they seemed more like strangers than lovers. All the pleasantries were over and done with, each had asked the other how they were, how they're week had been. There was nothing left to say in that sense, and so it seemed that they couldn't talk about anything else.
Abby dug her hands deeper into her pockets, wishing she was somewhere, anywhere, else. She didn't need to feel him judging her, that's why she had stayed away, kept her distance. She felt the guilt herself, how could she not? As a doctor she was supposed to preserve life, not destroy it. But, she knew deep down, that having the baby would have been a mistake. As much as she loved Luka, she wouldn't have been able to go through with the pregnancy just for his sake. And that's what she would have been doing.
He hadn't tried to contact her either, she was painfully aware of that. Much as she didn't want to be near him after the termination, she wished he had at least tried. Braving a quick glance into his eyes, Abby could clearly see the anger he was refusing to share with her. She glanced back down at the ground, feeling his gaze burn into her. What right had he to be so judgmental? She had agonised over the decision. It wasn't something she had done on the spur of the moment. She couldn't be a mother, she just couldn't. Why was it so hard for him to see that?
The screeching of an ambulance pulling in pushed the two into action. They were doctors now, had patients lives to look after. And in the midst of doing their jobs, they could forget everything else. Each pushed themselves into their doctor roles and left their alter egos aside.
Luka walked into the doctor's lounge, one hand rubbing his forehead. His head felt like it was going to explode, the pain was so intense. The mixture of a busy day in the ER and trying to ignore Abby at every turn had taken it's toll on the Croatian doctor. Even Sam had been off limits, she was constantly running from one patient to another, there was no time for the two to say hi, let alone finish a sentence. He missed that, if anyone could make today better, it was her.
"Long day?"
Luka looked up to see a young boy staring back at him, waiting for an answer. Luka had never seen the boy before, didn't know what he was doing in the doctor's lounge, if he should even have been there. But trying to find the answer to all those questions sounded like too much work to him right then.
"You could say that." Luka answered carefully.
"I know how you feel, my mom is really on my case today. She ordered me not to leave this room, and I'm bored!"
Luka settled himself down on the sofa beside the young boy, slightly intrigued by him.
"You're a doctor right?" He asked before Luka had the chance to reply.
"I sure hope so, otherwise I really shouldn't be doing the work I'm doing."
"Can you take me down to the morgue?"
"I don't think I should. Would your mom be okay with that?"
"Who cares? It's not like I could kill someone by going down there."
"Don't you have school work to be doing?" Luka hoped that it would take the kid's focus away from dead people and going to see them.
"You sound like my mom," He answered rolling his eyes, "I've been doing my work for the past hour, I'm bored."
"Maybe I could convince your mom to let me take you to Ike's for a bite to eat, would that help?" Maybe it was the puppy dog look the kid was giving him, or that he felt sorry for the kid, or maybe he liked the fact that the kid was a distraction. Whatever it was, Luka was willing to try to talk to the kid's mother, how bad could she be?
"I doubt she'll let you, she can be a real pain in the ass."
"ALEX!" Sam screamed walking over to her son, "What did you just say?"
"Nothing," Alex mumbled.
"I heard you Alex. Don't you ever talk like that again."
"But it's not fair, I don't want to be stuck in here."
"Well you won't be stuck in here much longer, Carter's coming in to collect you."
"I don't want to go with Carter, he tries to hard to be like my dad or something. Couldn't I go to Ike's with this guy instead?" Alex pointed at Luka.
Sam turned her gaze to the man seated beside her son. She hadn't noticed him a moment ago, she'd been too wrapped up in Alex. He smiled at her almost apologetically and she could feel the heat rise in her cheeks as the embarrassment sank in. Of all the people who had to witness the scene between mother and son, why did it have to be him?
"His name is Dr Kovac, and you can't do that. Carter is already on his way, it's too late for him to turn back."
"Fine, whatever." Alex turned his face away from Sam and folding his arms tight across his chest.
Sam just shook her head slightly and walked out of the room, there was no point trying to argue with him, he wouldn't listen. She tried desperately to remember if she had been like that with her parents, had she given them that much grief? She doubted she would have had the guts to do something like that, not with her parents. When she had to tell them she was pregnant, she was terrified.
Feeling a small touch on her shoulder, she turned around to find that Luka had followed her out of the room. Her heart skipped knowing that his hand was on her shoulder. Just the slightest touch sent slight shivers down her spine. She thought that she could easily do the whole just friends thing, thought that she had her feelings all sorted out. It wasn't true though, she may be able to have convinced herself when he wasn't around, but just being near him sent all her sensible thinking out the window. She had even lied to Carter about the flowers, said that she bought them herself. He wouldn't have said anything if he had known the truth, it was a nice thing for Luka to do, a nice way to apologise. By lying, she was making a bigger deal out of it, and it made it even more clear to her that when it came to her and Luka, it was a big deal. One that was going to all end in tears if they weren't careful.
"Are you okay?" Luka asked gently keeping his hand on her small shoulder. Any excuse to touch her. He had it big, he knew that. But he didn't care, not when she was around him. Even though every time he was around her he needed a cold shower afterwards! This time was different, he was genuinely concerned about her. It just made it startlingly clear that it was more than just a physical attraction between them.
"Yeah," Sam answered quietly, "I'm kinda used to the arguments by now. He's just mad at me because I grounded him for two weeks. The school suspended him today for getting in a fight, he punched his classmate in the face." She took a deep breath and leaned back against the wall, her eyes focusing on the ground. "Do you think I screwed up? Am I such a bad mother?"
"No, every parent feels like that at some stage. Alex is normal, I was always in fights when I was his age, most boys are like that, we see them in here everyday." Luka sighed, he rubbed his hand up and down her arm reassuringly. He could empathise with her, being a parent was tough sometimes. "Sam, look at me," He raised her head up so he could get eye contact. "You're not a bad mother, you've done really well. You've raised him on your own since you were 15, you've done a great job."
"Thanks," Sam smiled.
"Anytime you need to talk about this, just say okay?"
"Thanks."
She reached up and putting her arms around him, gave him a hug. She didn't care if he didn't want it, she just needed it right then. When he hugged back, she settled herself in his strong arms. Since they had never openly spoken about the first time they met, she had no idea if he still thought about the near kiss. Was she just crazy for hanging onto something that didn't even happen? Or did he feel the same? And considering she was in a very happy relationship, why did it matter? She had made herself promise not to think of Luka in that way anymore, but standing in his arms didn't make keeping the promise easy. Especially when if felt like she belonged there.
Luka wrapped his arms around her slight form, returning the hug. He couldn't shake the feeling that this is where she belonged, where he belonged. Who was she? This woman who managed to turn his life around, who managed to help him cope with the loss of another child in a healthy way. And all this she did by just being there, by just being herself. It all seemed too much, if he was to tell that to anyone else he was sure they'd think him crazy. After all, there was nothing between them except friendship, she had made that clear. He was hanging on to some far fetched hope that she felt the same.
Abby stopped at the sight of the young attractive new nurse she had seen Luka hugging a few hours before. He was attracted to her, Abby could tell. While she had been at home the past week wondering if he would ever call, he had been moving on, hooking up with that hussy. It was no wonder it couldn't find the words to speak to her when they had met before work. He was sleeping with the blonde bimbo, she was sure of it. The hug had looked way too friendly, way too intimate. And now there she was, standing out on the street with Luka, the two casually talking without a care in the world, or so it seemed. Abby walked over and kissed Luka in lieu of a spoken greeting. She wanted the blonde to know that Luka was taken, even if things were going towards breaking point between them, they hadn't parted ways just yet. And Abby was going to make sure the other woman knew that.
"Hi, I'm Dr Lockhart," Abby said to Sam after she pulled back from the kiss, forcing a friendly smile on her face. She put her arm around very confused Luka. "I saw you around the ER today, you new?"
"Yeah, I'm Sam, I just started last week." Sam replied. She didn't know where to look, the whole situation was so awkward. She guessed that this woman was Luka's girlfriend. Jealousy sparked inside her, even though she knew she had no right to feel that way. Her and Carter had flaunted their relationship in front of Luka plenty of times, he had every right to kiss his girlfriend in front of her. Braving a glance at Luka, she wasn't sure what she saw written in his eyes. Was it annoyance? Confusion? Sorrow? Or did she just imagine it all? She didn't know what to believe with him, for all she knew she just saw those things because she wanted to, not because they were true.
Looking at Sam, Luka thought he saw a spark of envy in her. She turned her head away too fast for him to be sure. He wasn't going to let his heart get too excited about something he might have seen, it was bad enough he was still so effected by a kiss that might have happened had someone not interrupted them. All the same, he wished she hadn't been there to see Abby. He couldn't be sure exactly why, but he never wanted the two to meet. Maybe it was his guilt, for not really being there to support Abby, and for letting his mind wander onto new prospects before the old relationship was even over.
Abby chatted away with Sam, ignoring Luka for the most part, but keeping her arm firmly around her. She wanted to hang on to him, and she couldn't shake the feeling that he was already gone. One thing was for sure, she didn't have to look at him to know where his eyes fell. His gaze was on Sam, as it had been all day and had probably been the whole time she was off work.
A car pulled up beside them, with Carter in the drivers seat and Alex sitting in the back. Sam said goodbye to the other two and got into the car, giving Carter a quick kiss before they drove off.
"Is Carter dating her?" Abby asked, she was shocked, it was the last thing she had expected really.
"Yeah, they've been dating for well over a month now." Luka said with the great success of managing to hide all the disappointment he felt about it.
"I . . . thought that you two . . ."
"Me and Sam?" Luka choked, "Nah, we're just friends. Carter and Sam are very happy together."
But you like her, Abby thought to herself sadly.
Sam opened the door to her room, surprised to find Carter there, waiting for her with rose petals strewn across the bed. She closes the door behind her, leaning against it for a moment to take in the view. She had stayed back late in the ER to cover for Chuny, and Carter had offered to keep an eye on Alex for her. By the time she had gotten home, ten minutes ago, it was so late, she had expected Carter to be asleep already. Not that she was complaining, nothing was more welcoming right then. Slowly walking over to the bed, she sat down beside him.
"Hey," she said quietly, "I thought you'd be well asleep by now."
"Well, I just thought you could do with some cheering up. I know things between you and Alex have been frosty the past three days, and you seemed really stressed earlier. So I waited up for you." Carter replied pulling Sam close to him for a quick hello kiss.
"You did all this just because I looked stressed?" Surprise was written all over her face. It was most definitely a reminder of why she could feel herself falling in love with Carter so quickly.
"Yes," He smiled, "Is that so hard to believe?"
Sam didn't answer, she just smiled. The big brilliant smile that could brighten up a whole room, Carter was sure of it. Her eyes were twinkling with excitement, and he couldn't help but be drawn in by them, as he always was. And he loved knowing that he was the one who made her smile, who made her eyes light up.
"Plus, I thought it'd be romantic."
"It is romantic," Sam whispered moving in closer and kissing him gently. "Thanks"
Carter didn't bother answering, he just kissed her again, this time more passionately.
Abby looked at the man asleep beside her. She had slept with Luka, sure they had done it before, but this was the first time they had since everything with the baby and all. Luka had seemed pissed off earlier, he'd had a bad day at work and had come home to start drinking beer. Not really the model example of when to have sex with a man, Abby knew that. But she was so desperate to feel close to him again, that when she arrived at his place, and he started coming on to her, she just ignored the slight whiff of beer off his breath and went with it. It was wrong, she knew that know. She shouldn't have done it, she should have walked away, saved herself all the pain she was now feeling.
In her defence, she didn't know what would happen. How was she to know that when the crucial moment came, he'd shout out another woman's name. Sam. Every since Abby had gone back to work the woman seemed to be everywhere. Luka was obsessed, thought the world of this fantastic nurse. Had even gone as far as looking after her son for an hour the day before, when Sam had been really stuck. He was supposed to meeting up with her, and when she arrived at his apartment to find Alex there also. . . . well it should have been a warning. Instead, Abby had tried forgetting it, putting it off as just Luka being his usual nice, helpful self. She didn't want to believe that he had feelings for this other woman.
Now there was no denying it, it was right there in front of her, slapping her in the face at full speed. Why else would he have screamed her name? Abby was embarrassed, too embarrassed to move, even though she most definitely didn't want to be there when he woke up. She wasn't sure she could ever look him in the eyes again. He screamed her name as they were making love. It hurt, the tears were threatening to fall and Abby couldn't keep denying them. She had every right to cry, didn't she? She had every right to be jealous. Sam was dating Carter, so she knew that Luka wasn't having a physical affair with her, but emotional, he was with Sam more than he was with her.
Getting up slowly so as not to wake Luka; Abby got out of the bed. She quickly found her clothes, proceeding to put them on. She wasn't going to stick around and make an even bigger fool of herself. He didn't love her anymore. Hell, she wasn't even sure he loved her at all really. This whole thing had started because they had accidentally slept together. And they decided to continue to do so just to see what happened, to see where things went. The last time they dated, it hadn't worked out. And Abby guessed that it wasn't going to work out this time either.