Disclaimer: Star Wars and all associated characters, plotlines, and worlds (good and bad) are property and copyright © of George Lucas (aka The Richest Man in Hollywood). This is purely for fan entertainment only.
Also a warning… this fanfic is rated MA for adult themes. It is also "Obidala"… in other words, if you're offended or otherwise do not like the pairing between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Padmé Amidala, then please don't read further to spare yourself the irritation. Otherwise, enjoy!
Chapter 15 - Confessions
Her fingers drifted down his face, tracing the line of the new beard as she laid still, following the doctor's orders. It had been a relief to leave the mechanical, personality-less medical droids behind and have the human touch of her family doctor from Naboo. She also wished she could call on her sister Sola, for further familiarity. She would even accept the company of C-3P0, but she would have to do with Sabé and Obi-Wan for now.
The smile on his face reminded her that it would do just nicely- she had no complaints that he was there. His blue eyes still seemed to be holding onto some negative, remote emotion, however. The laugh lines had been missing from his face much of the time that he had been back from Mustafar. She was not sure what the cause was.
She pressed her lips to his temple, wishing the frown lines away. "Will you ever tell me what's wrong?" she asked him, her voice etched with concern.
His eyes met hers, and within he ached to tell her, not hold any secrets, but he was not sure how much he should actually verbalize. But, he knew that communication was the key- this much at least he retained from his former status as The Negotiator. He sighed deeply, taking her smaller hand in his own. It was time to tell her everything that he had been experiencing for the past few months. "I think I understand how Anakin felt, now." He began.
Worry creased her forehead, and she frowned softly, but let him continue. "Anakin loved you, perhaps obsessed with you. But he- I- we both- love you. You have given me something that I never thought I would ever have, when I committed myself fully to the Jedi Order, after leaving it temporarily."
She smiled slightly, then laughed, "I had no idea you left the Jedi Order. When did that happen?"
Obi-Wan's grin filled his face, remembering his youth. "I was young, Padmé, younger still than when I met you on Naboo all those years ago. I got caught up in a youth movement on a planet far from here- the first I had ever really been to outside of Coruscant, you see. But then I realized that it was a mistake, and returned to Qui-Gon, begged him to take me back."
Padmé's laugh was delighted. "You begged? You, the great Obi-Wan Kenobi, begged? Now I wish Qui-Gon were alive to verify this!"
He feigned insult, "My Lady!" he squeezed her hand, continuing on the story, "But yes, I let myself love you even after I learned the grief and loss of losing Qui-Gon and let it flourish even after losing Anakin, too." He paused for a moment, and they both reflected on that loss.
It had not stopped tearing his heart apart, ripping at his guts. The recent seemingly betrayal only aided the pain. Not only was Anakin gone, but there was no hope of resurrecting him- in his place was a mechanical monstrosity that not only had no heart of his own, but delighted in manipulating the hearts of those around him. No, his brother and Padawan was gone.
"But I stated having his dream, Padmé. Perhaps on my own, from my own imagination and anxiety that I would lose you, perhaps from the Force, or perhaps from Vader- of that I will never know, now." He looked to her face, afraid of the admission. He had seen the reaction to Anakin's premonitions even recently and did not want to risk her wrath, or upset her. But she only looked plaintive, as if she had already realized this and had gotten used to the idea of Obi-Wan experiencing the same thing.
But he realized the reason why: he had not yet told her that he sought to control her destiny as well. He swallowed as he prepared to tell her the entire story, steeling himself for the inevitable results. "And so I went through the same experiences Anakin did, Padmé… the same feelings. My soul ached as I tried to figure out how to hold on to the glorious experience of loving you, being loved by you."
Obi-Wan watched her face, hoping to not upset her. He felt relief that she so far only listened, waiting to respond. "And so I fell in with Anakin, or rather Vader, who eagerly sought to recruit my help in one of his schemes, hoping I would along the way sympathize with his plight and join him to overthrow the Emperor and rule the galaxy with him." He had not realized how simple it was until he said it out loud- and how it made more sense after the fact.
Oh how he had been deceived! But he knew he was just as much an active partner as Anakin in this, he had yearned to find the secret that would keep Padmé in his arms forever. But the more he thought about it, especially after the death of the two Jedi, the more he realized that he was in error. Trying to alter destiny was not the right way to handle the situation at hand. But what was?
"And on Mustafar…" he trailed off, meeting her eyes. She sought truth, but how much truth? He inhaled, finding the courage and serenity in the Force, exhaling and releasing his fears with them. It was something he should have done long ago. He did not ignore the nagging fear that remained the ever present fear of losing her. But he now knew first hand where that led, what path that would reveal.
She put a hand to his lips, stopping him. "You don't have to tell me, Obi-Wan, unless you want to. All that matters is what is happening now."
He shook his head, kissing her fingers before removing them. "But I need to tell you, Padmé, I need to be honest with you. I am ashamed of what happened on Mustafar."
Padmé nodded, remaining silent. He continued, sighing softly, "On Mustafar, I truly knew what Anakin felt. It was as if I were actually in his shoes, Padmé. I was desperate to do whatever was necessary to keep you alive. It was consuming me. I thought the only way was through the healers.
"And they turned against me, showing me the error of my thought processes, rubbed it in my face how I was going against everything that I had believed in my entire life. And my anger got the better of me. They struck at me, and I killed them, Padmé. I killed them." His voice was dispassionate, but saying it aloud almost made it feel better. Almost took away the guilt. Almost.
She touched his face, looked him in the eyes once more. "Obi-Wan, it's alright. You've realized what's happened and you won't do it again." She sighed softly, tears glistening in her eyes. "You're not Anakin. You have a firm foundation in your beliefs. He did not have that to fall back on."
He nodded absently, thinking back on his Padawan. "But he should have. I thought I did everything in my power to instill the Jedi beliefs into him, our way of life."
Padmé shook her head, squeezing his hand. "Anakin was too old already when he was taken as a Jedi, Obi-Wan. And you were too young to be a Master, yourself. It is not to say that you were not a good Master… it's just that the circumstances conspired against the two of you. You did the best with what you had."
The pained expression creased his face once more, "But my best was not good enough."
She kissed his forehead again, willing him to relax. "Your best was wonderful. He still grew to be a very caring man when he wanted to be, and still had potential for more. The potential is still there, Obi-Wan." She shivered as she echoed his words to her, "He's not a monster, after all, Obi-Wan. Not yet."
Her shiver turned to shudders, however, as a contraction bit at her abdomen. "Obi-Wan!" she looked to him, biting her lip, "I think she wants to come, soon."
Obi-Wan looked alarm, rose to his feet, "Now?"
She shook her head, "No, but very soon. I have been having contractions the past few days, and they are only getting stronger."
Giddy excitement filled him as he thought of the birth of his daughter, resolved to push away the negative feelings. He would not sully the experience for either of them- even if it did not end the way he wanted. "Shall I fetch the doctor?"
She shook her head, tugged on his hand to draw him near again. "Just wait with me, the time is nearing, though not here."
His brooding had been echoed in every movement throughout the day. The Stormtroopers could even feel it, and made special efforts to stay out of his way. They knew to avoid him like the plague in times like these, else they may lose a limb- or worse. It had become painfully and acutely obvious that he was not going to gain the confidence of Obi-Wan again, and would not have an accomplice at overthrowing Palpatine.
And without Obi-Wan's confidence, he also would never have the hints he needed to speed his search for his son. Of all the millions of planets, he had no idea where to begin the search for Luke. And Palpatine's non-admission of any facts about Luke either meant that Luke was indeed dead, or that Palpatine was already holding him for his own. After the recent events, he refused to believe that his Master was not aware of something so utterly important.
The dark mood was contained with the fact that soon, he would be taking Obi-Wan's child for himself. Padmé's due date was soon, this much he had learned from the doctors on Naboo. And then, as his Master had instructed, they would raise the child as the Force sensitive they were both positive she would be.
And one day, a true Sith. He would be proud to take her as his own Apprentice.
Unfortunately, this one is all too close to being finished… as usual, any input is much appreciated. I will try to get the following concluding chapters out in a more timely manner. Anyone else think it's odd that the parallel chapter in Search for Wings is called "The Death of Anakin Skywalker"? Hmm…