Because I couldn't sleep, I ended up getting out of bed a lot earlier than normal. To my deprived eyes, even the limited amount of sunlight from the dawn was excruciating, so I dug through my bedside table to find a pair of dark sunglasses. Wearing them and my cap, I fixed myself a cup of coffee and sat out on one of the old chairs that Grandpa had put out on the porch to think.

I was on my fifth cup of coffee and sixth or seventh cigarette when Cliff came out to sit with me carrying his own cup of java. "Trouble sleeping?" he asked. My answer was a grunt. "Anything you want to talk about?"

"No."

He took a long drink of coffee before continuing. "Well, I'm going to put my powers of deduction to the test to figure this out. What happened yesterday that was unusual?"

I had almost opened my mouth to snap at him before I realized that he was talking to himself. "We only worked half of a day," he mused, "but that's no reason for a sleepless night. You spent part of the day alone, but that's nothing new to you. Then you spent the rest of the day on the beach with me, Ann, and Karen."

Cliff snapped his fingers. "I remember now. When Ann and I got down to where you were, you and Karen had obviously been swimming. Anything happen I should know about?" he asked, arching an eyebrow.

Tossing the remnants of my coffee over the railing, I set the cup down and headed for the plants. I wasn't about to tell him I had had sex with his cousin in the water at the beach, although I could see that he had already figured that something similar to that had happened.

The days progressed, and it seemed that no matter how much nicotine or caffeine I got into my system, the light still hurt and my head still pounded from the lack of sleep that I couldn't seem to get over. I was lucky, now, to get more than two to four hours of sleep a night, and my dilemma over Karen wasn't helped by how often she was over at the farm our around me. Her cousin and her best friend, it seemed, were intent on getting the two of us hooked up.

I gave into my desire for her on more than one occasion as time flowed past, but every time I did resulted in more sleepless nights as my mind warred with the guilt I felt. It was as though a constant war was being waged inside of me, but I didn't know who I wanted to win.

Halfway through the fall season, I got up out of bed after another night without sleep. I went about my now natural routine of digging out sunglasses and making coffee before my attention was caught by the calendar in the refrigerator. That initiated a bout of cursing that lasted until lunch.

"What's his problem?" Ann demanded of Cliff, both of whom were sitting on the far side of the porch from me when I finally lapsed into silence.

"I don't know," he shrugged. "What's your problem, Jack?" he asked.

I fixed him with a sour look and blew a cloud of smoke over towards the barn. "I've got to go into the city," I snapped. This time of year always put me in a foul mood. "I'll be heading out this afternoon when the ferry gets here, and I'll be back sometime before dinner tomorrow."

Ann clapped her hands happily, somehow not affected by the foul mood I was in. "Cliff'll have to stay here to watch the farm, but you should take Karen with you when you and your daughter leave," she chirped. "She's always wanted to see the city."

"Kairi is going to stay here, and I need you two to watch her," I continued, oblivious to what Ann had just said. After putting out my cigarette, I pulled my pouch of gold out of my backpack along with two smaller bags, and counted out a handful of coins. Throwing one bag to Cliff and the other to Ann, I continued. "Cliff, that's your wages for the week. Ann, that's payment for watching Kairi. I need to get ready to leave now, so I'll talk to you guys in a bit."

Ann looked down at her watch. "Crap! The ferry is gonna be here in just under two hours!" She frowned back at me. "But you still didn't tell us what your problem was." Without waiting for an answer, she took off at a run down the path towards town.

Cliff was looking at me with a sad expression on his face that told me that he understood. "Do you need any help?" he asked softly. I shook my head. "Then I'll see about heading over to Green Ranch and picking up those two chickens we talked about."

Noticing the change in the use of my voice, Kairi came over to me from playing out in the field and tugged on my pants. "What's happening?" she demanded.

I picked her up, then sat down and set her on my knee. "I've got to go for a while," I explained. With her looking up at me expectantly with her dark brown eyes and nearly black hair, I felt like I had moved back in time to when my wife and I had been kids, and it made my chest constrict.

Her eyes lit up. "Presents?" she asked hopefully.

Tears were welling up in my eyes, but I couldn't suppress a chuckle. "Of course," I told her softly, leaning in to kiss her on the forehead before putting her back down on the deck. "Now, go play with Spatz. I've got to get ready to go."

Packing took up most of the time I had left, and what little I had to spare was spent saying goodbye to Kairi. When I got down to the beach and the waiting ferry, I found Ann and Karen waiting for me, the quieter of the two with a small duffel bag. Remembering Ann had told me she was going to do, I sighed. "The only sightseeing there's going to be will be during a short taxi ride and a stop at the city shopping mall," I warned Karen, throwing a glare at Ann. This was one time when I would have preferred to make the trip alone. "And I don't plan on staying at the mall for very long."

Karen gave me a quiet nod, actually dropping her typical attitude and managing to look meek. Based on how well I knew her, I could tell that she was sincerely sorry for putting me in a position where I felt pressured to bring her along (even if she wouldn't show it), and I could bet that she would give Ann an earful when we got back. Ann just laughed at the look I gave her. "Have fun!" she waved, already heading back to my farm.

The ferry ride passed with no conversation between me and my surprise guest. And that's also how the cab ride to the shopping mall passed. At the mall, it was a slightly different matter. I relented on my bad attitude long enough to do a small amount of shopping with Karen for some things she had been looking for before turning around and buying some gifts and a couple of cards for Kairi. From the mall, it was a short cab ride past a half dozen apartment buildings into the suburbs, then past a liquor store and graveyard to my father's house. As I was paying the cabbie, the rain started to pound down, prompting me to zip up my leather jacket and pull my hat down tighter onto my head. I had to smirk at the circumstances, though. Even with a darkened sky, I still had to wear my sunglasses to cut down on the headache giving light.

With my hands full of bags, I marched up the walkway to the door to my father's house and rang the doorbell. "I was wondering when you would show up," were my father's first words when he opened the door and saw me. On a face that habitually wore a scowl was now a look of sadness. My father took several of the bags out of my hands and led the way into the house, setting them down in the living room before sitting down.

I jerked my thumb towards Karen. "She needs a place to stay for the night. Maybe you can show her some stuff about the city while I'm gone." I turned and headed back towards the door before remembering the second card I had bought for Kairi; I pulled it out of my pocket and tossed it to my father. "I got you a card to sign for your granddaughter, since you don't typically remember," I bit out caustically. "I'll make sure she gets it."

Karen's confused gaze followed me as I walked back through the door and out into the rain, pausing only long enough to light a cigarette while underneath the roof over my father's porch. "You'll have to forgive him," I could hear my father say sadly before the door closed behind me. "He'll get like this sometimes."

While the rain pounded down around me, I cleared my mind of all thought and headed for a bar that I knew was just a couple of blocks away. I spent a handful of minutes chatting with the owner, an old friend of mine, before I managed to get slobbering drunk. Because he understood my situation, my friend drug me back into the back room and up onto a cot after I passed out, then fell asleep sitting up in a corner. I woke up before he did with the migraine-type headache typical of a hangover, and left after writing him a note to say thanks; I left a small bag of gold coins with the letter.

It was still raining outside, but since it was brighter than it had been the night before and I was hung-over, I was extremely thankful for the sunglasses I was wearing. I slowly walked past my father's house again, and made my way up the street to the cemetery. At the gates, I handed over enough gold to pay for two dozen roses, a vase, and a candle before heading into the cemetery proper.

I had been there often enough that I knew exactly where to go without having to think about it. Eventually, I found myself facing a large tombstone with the flowers and candle in hand.

Erin Taylor

1979-2001

A Daughter

A Wife

A Mother

I dropped down to my knees, somehow managing to set the vase full of roses gently on the ground. After pulling the old candle out of its holder, I put in the new one and lit it before reaching out with a trembling hand to touch the laminated photo of Erin in her wedding dress that I had had inlayed into the tombstone.

"Another year gone by, baby," I murmured, not caring about the tears that I could feel tracking down my face. "It's hard to believe it's been five of them now. I took over Grandpa's farm, but you probably know that since he's up there with you. I've got some new friends who are helping me work it. I don't know how I manage. I don't think I could with out Kairi.

"You should see her," a small smile took over my face now. "She looks just like you did when we were kids. Acts just like you, too. Without her, I can't imagine where I would be."

I tilted my head back to look up at the sky, hardly noticing the raindrops that were now hitting my face as I contemplated the heavens in silence. Time seemed to flow by, and by when I became aware of it, the sun was already reaching high noon. "I've got a problem, sweetheart. I know I told you about what grandpa said, about how there was a girl in Flowerbud Village I would get along with. He was right. But it doesn't feel okay. I don't know how I can move on without you here. I just don't know . . ."

My dialogue was cut short when I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. With my sunglasses on and the sun where it was, all I could make out was a dark shadow reaching past me. I stood up in a rush and looked down, startled to see Karen hunched over and setting her own handful of roses next to the vase. Reacting to the presence of a person, I could feel my tears dry up almost instantly as my face turned stony to hide what I was feeling. Abruptly, the rain stopped beating down and bright rays of light could be seen poking through the clouds. Now that I had made my little confession to the spirit of my wife, I felt better than I had in quite a while. I couldn't remember ever feeling better than this after visiting her grave.

Karen followed me back to the sidewalk in silence, where I pulled out a pack of cigarettes. After giving her one and sticking one in my mouth, I pulled my lighter back out. "Well," I murmured, "now you know all my dirty little secrets."

"Cliff had already told me why he thought you were coming," she answered. "I came because I wanted to be here if you needed someone." I didn't reply, and she studied me with silent eyes as we made our way back to my father's house.

He had gone out and bought a birthday cake for Kairi, something that he in his rather distanced familial role had never done before, and helped me and Karen pack all of our stuff in the taxi. Karen and I were once again silent on the taxi ride to the ferry, and on the ferry ride back to Flowerbud Village.

No one was waiting for us when we got to the beach, so we slowly made our way to my farm. I had noticed my feelings of guilt lessening more and more with the time I had spent alone with Karen over that day, and when we walked up to the farm we were shyly holding hands. By the time we got to the house, it was already getting dark out.

Even though there were only five people at the house (including Cliff and Ann), Kairi managed to turn her birthday party into a noisy affair. Eventually, I found myself slouching on the loveseat, a glass of wine in one hand and Karen sitting close by my side while we watched Kairi playing with some of the gifts I had bought for her. I was having a hard time believing that the dark haired little girl was five years old already; if I hadn't been able to recall the entirety of her life, I would have doubted anyone who told me she was really that old. Here I was, twenty-six years old and feeling much older because it seemed as though my daughter was growing up too quickly.

As I watched Kairi play and listened to Ann and Cliff bicker with each other, I felt someone poke the earpiece of my sunglasses. "You know," Karen mused as she tugged my sunglasses off, "you look pretty good wearing sunglasses and a hat."

I had to bite back a curse when my glasses came off. It had been nearly twenty-four hours since I had gotten drunk, but the side effects of drinking coupled with my sleep-deprived body had resulted in making me rather physically miserable. As I blinked my eyes to try to get them to adjust to the extremely bright lights in the room, I could hear Ann and Cliff's conversation trail off. "You look like crap, Jack," Cliff commented.

Ann stepped over snatched my hat off of my head before grabbing my chin and jerking my head so that I was looking up at her. She spent a couple of moments studying the pale skin of my face, my bloodshot eyes, and the bags under my eyes before demanding, "What happened to you?"

Karen snorted. "You've seen that look often enough on me to know what he did."

"But why did he do it?" the redhead asked heatedly. "I know you drink because your dad is swearing at you again, or because Kai got drunk and hit you when you got back to the vineyard—"

"Kai was what?" Cliff and I demanded angrily at the same time. Hearing the change in our voices, Kairi got up off the floor and pulled herself onto my lap, sniffling. I made a shushing gesture at my three friends before turning my full attention to my daughter. "Don't cry," I told her softly, wiping the tears away from her eyes with my thumbs. When I picked her up to hug her, she wrapped her short little arms around my neck; now I could see Cliff whispering something to his girlfriend. "It's your birthday, you shouldn't be sad. So, happy birthday sweetheart."

She gripped me tighter and, when she pulled her head back she was wearing a big smile. "Thank you, Daddy," she said, giving me a big kiss on the cheek before climbing down to gather up her toys and head back to her bedroom. Realization dawned on Ann's face, and she clamped her mouth shut before she could say anything else.

This year really was a year of firsts. With the exception of my headache and sore eyes, I felt better now than I ever had after visiting my wife's grave. Here I was with a new life, a new home, and new friends. Everything seemed to be happening like Grandpa had hoped; having a place to start over was changing my entire outlook. In fact, I was bordering on actually feeling happy. This was . . . . new.

Author's Note: Unfortunately, this marks the end of this story. I got this far, but I ran out of inspiration and cannot figure out how to gradually move the story away from this "dark" version and into a "lighter" type. If I do eventually figure out how to manage it, I will write and post the additional chapters. Either as a sequel, or I will change this story from "Complete" to "In Progress."

As a final bit, I would like to extend my thanks to those of you who have told me your opinion. I thank you for what you have said, and I thank you in advance for anything you might say in the future. Your constructive criticism, praise, cutting my ego off at the knees has been very much appreciated. I will look forward to writing for you all again in the future.