Mikau: Hello everyone! I tried out for A Doll's House yesterday, and I think I did pretty well. My friend Linda (the actress queen of the universe) said I did really, really good, so even if I don't get a part, I'm still unbelievably happy because getting a compliment like that from Linda means the world to me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Shaman King.

3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

An Attempt to Reconcile

"So tell me what's the matter. I'm here. I'll listen." Valerie held me and tried her best to be comforting, but her words were more comforting than her actual motions.

Especially when she said 'I'm here.' It meant worlds to me. "Well," I pulled away slightly so that I could sit across from her and look at her as I talked. Not that I would actually look at her, I'd much rather prefer to look at the covers on the bed that I was playing with, but it was more comfortable to talk to her if I was facing her. "At the other Masquerade I met this guy named Tao Lian."

I could tell that she was about to say something, perhaps about the name, but she closed her mouth and waited for me to continue.

"He was only a couple years older than me, and I danced with him and he kissed me. He stole my first kiss. We talked and I fell in love with him. I fell so easily for him. He was sweet, romantic, kind…he was everything like all the princes in the stories. He left me after a short while, but he gave me his email. I emailed him and he emailed me back. We talked all the time for hours at a time. It was wonderful, really. He told me how beautiful I was and how he missed me and how he was in love with me. He seemed so sincere…but…then after I was attacked that night…Akira told me he loved me. And he looked at me differently. He looked at me how Lian looked at me.

Akira had been so cold to me before. He had been mean and spiteful, and I thought he hated me, but…then he said he loved me. And tonight—" I choked on my words. It was so hard to accept, and even harder to admit out loud. "Tonight Lian and I met again, and he took his mask off for me. And it was—" I was thrown into another sobbing fit.

Valerie surrounded me in her arms again and patted me on the back, making a soothing "Shhh." noise. I couldn't help but cry. "It was Akira, wasn't it?"

I nodded.

"Ahh…I see. So you hated Akira did you?"

I nodded again. It was so much easier to have her ask and have me shake or nod my head. I didn't have to say anything out loud, and if it wasn't said out loud, then it couldn't possibly be true.

"But you were in love with Lian." She paused and waited for my nod. "And you were completely shattered when you found that the two were the same."

"Why did he have to lie to me and trick me like that?" I looked to the older woman for advice. "He must have known it would kill me to know. Why?"

"People do the stupidest things when they're in love. He probably knew you'd hate him if you ever found out, and he didn't want to lose you." She smiled in an ironic way, as if she had experienced something like this herself. It sounded to me as if she were taking Akira's side. "Why don't you give him a chance to explain? He must have some reason, and since you're so upset about this, then you must still have feelings for Lian, don't you?"

"Tell me, what can I do to make my feelings for him go away? Maybe if I forgot how much I loved him, I could fall in love with someone else and then I could be happy." Again I looked to her for answers.

"Thorn, love is never without pain, even after marriage. The only thing you can do is learn to love Akira for who he is."

She smiled softly down at me, but I wanted to slap her. How dare she tell me to learn to love that…that…jerk. He'd tricked me, and now she expected me to forgive so easily?

"Sometimes you just have to forgive and forget and learn to be happy with whomever you're given." It was as if she were reading my mind. "It's best to forgive men who hurt you. You'll never forget an old flame, but if you learn to forgive then you can look back on the time you spent with them without remorse or bitterness." She winked playfully. "Learn to forgive men, they can be complete idiots and sometimes they do incredibly stupid things, but you're the real moron if you let their idiocy ruin your happiness."

She made an excellent point. "All right, but only if he apologizes first."

"That's the spirit!" She half-hugged me, and that was when I noticed the ring.

"Oh my god! Is that an engagement ring!" I gaped at the beauty of the phoenix on her ring.

Blood rushed to her cheeks and they instantly turned pink. "Maaaaaaaaybe."

"From my dad?" I could barely contain my excitement.

"Yeah, Hao proposed." I swear her blush got darker, but the lighting in the room was horrible, so I couldn't tell.

"When?"

"Oh just about an hour or so ago." She shrugged it off like getting engaged was no big deal, but I hung on to her every word.

"This is soooo exciting! I've always wanted a mother, and I told Hoshi that you two would get together. Have you decided when the wedding is going to be yet? Who are you going to have as bridesmaids? What are the dresses going to look like? Where are you going on your honeymoon?" One question after another spilled from my mouth.

"Whoa, slow down." She smiled nervously and waved me off. "Nothing has been decided yet. You and your sister will be bridesmaids, of course, and Yoh will probably be the best man and Anna the matron of honor. Then all the rest of our friends will be bridesmaids and stuff, but other than that, like I said, we've got nothing planned."

With all the talk of weddings, my mind drifted back to Lian. "But still, I wish someone loved me enough to propose…"

"I'm sure you'll find him someday." Valerie reassured. "Who knows? He might be right around the corner. Or maybe you've met him already and you just don't know it yet."

I sighed softly, a bit discouraged. "I thought I had found him, but now I think I'm wrong. Dead wrong."

My mother-to-be tried to be comforting. "Well, like I said before, talk to Akira; maybe you can work something out."

I hadn't completely heard her. I was too far off in my own thoughts. "Valerie, am I that naïve that he could trick me this easily? Am I that blind? I feel so foolish, so childish."

"Don't be too hard on yourself. It's not your fault. We all get fooled every once in awhile." Her warm smile did nothing for me.

"Not you! Not Hoshi! How is it that she's three minutes older than I am, and yet she's smarter than I am? Not academically, but socially! She knows the ins and outs of everything like boys and social events and—well, just everything!" The tears had started up again. "How come she picked all this up on her own while I learned nothing? It's so unfair how young and inexperienced I am! Ivory, even though she's a year younger than I am, she knows more than I do! I can't stand to be so left out of the loop! It's such a horrible feeling, and I can't take it! I wish I could be mature and sophisticated like Hoshi. I want to find a man who loves me like Lucifer loves her. I'd give anything to be her, and yet there's nothing I can do."

"Hoshi would probably say the same about you." Her solid, calm voice pierced like an icy dagger through my bitter monologue.

"W-what do you mean?" I couldn't help but blink at her, confused.

"Well, not the part about Lucifer; she wouldn't give him up for the world. I mean about trading lives with you. She hasn't had a very easy time of it, and so she became like she is today. She is grossly over-informed about things because of the horrible things she's experienced. I wouldn't wish that on either of my daughters." She encircled me in her arms and wiped away the tears. "I'm sorry I couldn't have been there to be your mother when it really counted, but I'm here now. I hope you can forgive me even though I'll never be able to make up for this."

Tears formed in hers eyes too like she was confessing some terrible sin she had committed. But I could see no wrong that she had done. "It's not your fault." I comforted her through my own tears. "It's Ivy's for not doing her job. It's my mother's fault, not yours."

"Thorn." The serious tone of her voice jarred me. "I am—No. You've had enough hardship for one day."

She was going to tell me something, but then she stopped, afraid of the effect of her words on me. I didn't bother asking what she was going to say for I knew that if she didn't want me to know yet, then it wasn't time for me to know. I trusted her judgment completely.

"I'm sorry beyond words." She hugged me and then lay down, pulling the covers up over her. "Was there anything else you needed or wanted to talk about?"

"No." My voice was small and meek, but that was always how my voice had been. "But could I stay here for tonight?" It was just that it seemed so hollow that night.

"Sure. I don't mind." She patted the pillow next to hers and I lay down, falling asleep not long after I hit the pillow.

I didn't know what time it was when I awoke the next morning, but it must have been around ten judging by the alarm clock on the nightstand. Valerie was already awake, and I could hear her down in the lab blowing things up. She seemed more determined, more desperate today. One big bang came after the previous in rapid succession.

I was surprised that Anna wasn't yelling at her to 'give it a rest!' But then, of course Anna would probably be busy screeching at the freeloaders of the Inn to clean up the house so that the party could continue at six o'clock that night. Lucifer and Hoshi were probably still in bed. Or there was the possibility that they had gotten up for a short while, but by now were back in bed again. I didn't want to think about that. I didn't know what Hana and his gang were doing, but they were probably out somewhere on the town at a café or video arcade. Akira was probably with them.

My blood began to boil.

How I hated him, despised him, but all in the same instant, I loved him. Maybe not him exactly, but a facet of him. I loved the Lian part of him, and I couldn't stay mad forever although the child in me wanted to forever carry that grudge. The older half of my soul wanted to love him, wanted to be with him. She wanted to 'forgive and forget' as Valerie had instructed, but me, I was the one holding them back. Past and Future each wanted something different, but Present was holding them back with her insecurity and fears. I was afraid. Afraid to love in case I got hurt again, afraid to hate at the risk of losing my soul to hate and turning bitter.

"Thorn Tao." I indulged in my older self for a moment, letting my tongue run over the words. "Tao Thorn." It didn't sound so terribly awful.

I sat up in bed and gazed around the room. It wasn't exactly particularly decorated as much as it was moved into. There was no pattern to where she kept things; things she brought in simply seemed to find their own place and claim it as theirs. I spotted a belt on the floor among some of Valerie's clothing. The belt clearly did not belong there. It reminded me of myself. I was lost among my indecision and fear, and I would stay there in that terrifying place until I found a place for myself like every other person in the world. Like all the other objects in Valerie's room.

I jumped as a door opened. I had been facing the front door, and it was still closed. I turned and was shocked to find a door linking my father's and Valerie's rooms. There in that doorway stood my father. He too looked shocked to see me.

"Sorry. I didn't know you were in here. I was looking for Iv—Valerie." His hair was messy, and he was only wearing a pair of old blue jeans. He looked like he had just gotten up.

"You must have just gotten up if you couldn't tell where she was by the sound of the explosions." As if to accent my point, something blew up in the lab just then.

"I see." We were very awkward with each other, unusually so. "Well then I guess I'll be going." He walked over and picked up the belt off the floor, and then prepared to leave. I didn't want to think about how his belt got mixed in with the clothes that Valerie had been wearing the previous night.

Just as he turned to leave, he turned back to me. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. Why?" The question startled me and I immediately jumped to the offensive.

And he took the defensive. "No reason. Just wondering if you were okay…because…well...last night…" He didn't possess the words to finish.

"I talked to Valerie and now I'm better." I showed a small smile.

"I'm glad." Which he returned.

"Thank you." My smile widened. "I saw Valerie's engagement ring."

This seemed to catch him off-guard, and it was cute how he blushed and how embarrassed he seemed to be. "Oh really? And what do you think of her as your mother?"

"I couldn't be happier. Also, I think Hoshi will be happy too. I knew you two would get together. I told Hoshi so, but she didn't believe me. You belong together." I smiled as he smiled, and he walked over to kiss me on the forehead.

"I'm glad that you're glad. I love you Thorn." And with a hug he made his way back to his room.

"I love you too." He waved over his shoulder and shut the door. My heart lurched and I felt strange. It was like I would never see him again.

I shook that horrible feeling away and got out of bed, going up to my room to get dressed. I passed my sister in the hall already fully dressed, and not a hickey in sight. "Where's Lucy?" I couldn't help but ask.

She shrugged in a nonchalant way, but I could tell she was worried. "He was with me when I went to sleep, but when I got up this morning he was gone. He left a note on my pillow saying not to worry and that he'd be back after he finished the game. Whatever that means. Normally I wouldn't worry, but he's been sort of off lately, and…well, you know. I worry about him." She sighed briefly, but soon enough forgot her own troubles and focused on me. "What of your man? Did you patch things up with Akira yet?"

I took for granted that I hadn't told her about Akira and Lian, so I didn't suspect her of setting me up when she brought up the subject. I had simply forgotten that I hadn't told her. "No. Not yet. I'm waiting for him to make the first move."

She smiled sweetly at me as one might smile at a child. She walked off saying "Sometimes you have to take initiative Thorn and start things in motion yourself."

I nodded, but the words didn't really sink in, for I had reached the door to my room, and there at the base, halfway slid under the door was an envelope, which read: 'To my dearest Thorn, From Akira. Please let me explain.' I picked it up and tore into it, taking the letter from inside. It was a simple note, but it made me smile wider than I have ever smiled before.

Dear Thorn, I'm so sorry for having deceived you. Please let me explain myself. I need to speak with you in private. Please meet me outside Moon and Stars Café and Bakery at 10:30 am where we will talk over breakfast. I love you, and want nothing so desperately as to make this relationship work. Love, with all of my being, Tao Akira.

I didn't have much time seeing as it was 10:16 at the moment, and I still had to get dressed. I rushed to throw some nice clothes on, something that would perhaps make me look pretty, and ran out of the house without telling a soul where I was going.

7777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777

Thanks To: isa18, Lady Valandario, MaiValentinefan, DarkPisces33, yo wuz up, Tori or none, Andrea Nefisto, thoughtless dreamer, Ishimaru Miwa, HAO-Addictive, and Ayume Yamashira.