Mikau: Hello. It's late again. I'm posting this and then going to bed. I'm sorry for not acknowledging the reviews this time, but you all know who you are, and that I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your devotion. Also, thanks for your congratulations on getting the Doll's House role.

Disclaimer: I don't own Shaman King.

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Break Down

Desperate? No. Desperate didn't even begin to cover how I felt. In a state of complete and utter despair? Maybe that was a little closer, but again, it wasn't close enough to my actual feelings. I was beyond worrying or fear. I was having a total melt down. I had been up since five o'clock in the morning, and even though I had blown almost the entire lab to kingdom come, I had made absolutely no progress. The heart that lay on my lab counter didn't beat no matter how I coaxed it, cut it, or poured chemicals onto it.

I was panicking now. Tears freely poured down my face like rain. Brown stains marred my fingers, probably from the Sulfur I had been messing with, and I was coughing—hacking up blood. I smiled bitterly up at heaven and its way of mocking me. Not a single drop of blood moved through my veins, yet I sure seemed to be coughing a lot of it up. Complete and total desperation over took me as I counted down the hours until my death.

I felt like it wasn't yet time, but I suppose all people feel that way before it ends. I was no exception. I felt like I hadn't done anything with my life. Who had I ever helped? Whose life had I touched? Did anything good ever come of my stay on this earth? What had I ever done to make a difference? I stepped back and examined my life as I mixed together some chemicals. I found nothing special. Maybe someone else looking back over my life could find something interesting or worthwhile, but I couldn't. There was nothing in my life that I found meaningful. Maybe it was just the pit of depression I was sinking slowly into like molasses, but I felt absolutely worthless.

I felt all of my years had been barrowed time, and that that barrowed time had not been well spent. I had utterly wasted my life. I had been a bad mother, a bad wife, and a bad person in general. I was selfish and conceited, and above all, ungrateful. I had been given a second chance at life by the angels, and I had done nothing with it.

I looked into the mirror on the wall and sighed. My eyes had turned bright green, probably from the Fluorine, and my hair was now navy blue, probably from the Cobalt. My hair had also gotten quite a bit shorter. Now it was only down to my chest. I don't know if one of the explosions or mixtures of chemicals had burned it away or what, but I looked drastically different without it.

I only had a few hours left. Two, three, four? It didn't matter. I wasn't taking this lying down. I would fight until the very end. I didn't want to die. That thought rang over and over in my head like a gong struck on top of a mountain echoing in the valleys below. At first the echo was a strong, empowered voice. "I don't want to die so I'm not going to." But as it went on and on it got faster and louder and more desperate, "I don't want to die! I don't want to die!" until it was a helpless plea of "Please don't let me die!"

Before I knew it, I was down on my knees sobbing. Something toppled over and crashed to the floor. I screamed as a huge explosion shook the house. Things fell off of shelves and chemicals exploded in a chain reaction. Flames burst out of nowhere as two chemicals combined and then were either extinguished or fed as another chemical fell into the flames. I screamed and screamed until suddenly all at once the flames died. I sat there on the floor and stared blankly at where the flames had been. They were no longer there as I thought. But they had been there, hadn't they? Was I losing it? Was my mind to be taken from me before my life was too? Did I just imagine the flames? No. It couldn't be. Something caught my eye among the fallen shelves and spilt chemicals.

"Ivy! Ivy!" Someone was shaking me. I was too busy staring off into the rubble to notice. "IVY!" Two voices. "MOM! MOM!" "IVY!" Something hard, a backhand, whipped across my face. I jumped and my eyes locked with two glassy, obsidian marbles.

"Anna? Hoshi?" I blinked.

"Mom?" My eldest daughter looked spellbound at the sight of me, just as I had been by the flames twinkling like a night's sky in front of me. "You look beautiful." I could only stare at her and wonder what she was looking at. I was sure I looked awful and bedraggled and horrible in general.

"Ivy, look." Anna handed me a mirror and showed me what Hoshi was talking about.

I looked into the mirror and almost fainted. Bright red lips, shoulder-length coffee brown hair, a backwards 3 framing the right eye, and deep brown eyes so dark they appeared black. I was beautiful. It was a beauty I had missed so much while I was trapped in that silver haired and various color eyed monster. I wasn't just beautiful, I was me again. The last shreds of Valerie were pealing away and I could see Ivy again. I got completely lost in my reflection restored.

"Ivy, are you all right?" My sister smoothed my hair out of the way, and gazed anxiously into my dim eyes.

I nodded, and put a hand to my head. "I'm…fine. I just…I don't know what happened. I'm…I'm dying. I was scared and I…I was trying to make a new body…. I was having a complete and total emotional break down, and then—I don't know—something fell and then the flames…. Look over there." I pointed over to where I had been looking among the wreckage.

"Oh my god." My sister carefully pushed some of the rubble out of the way and gaped at what she saw. "It's a body. A living, breathing body." She felt of its neck and put an ear to its chest. I held my breath. Would it be like so many of my fake bodies before? Would it be just another attempt to barrow more time? Or would it be different? Would it give me my life back? "It's got a pulse and a heartbeat too! Oh Ivy! You've done it! You've finally done it! Oh, and all on your own too!" All of the sudden I found myself in my daughter's and sister's arms. Anna's words had not completely sunk in yet, and I sat there stupidly with a huge goofy grin on my face.

"You mean… It's the completed body I've been working on for so many years? It's finally done? I can…I can go back to Hao and Thorn and Hoshi now and be alive again?" Just when I thought my world was caving in on me, a big bright beacon of hope broke through. I daren't believe it, not just yet because if something should happen and the body wasn't stable, I didn't want to fall too far into despair because of disappointment.

"I can have Faust take a look at it, but I think this one will work. I'll go get him now." She ran upstairs to fetch the doctor, but she left me with an unanswered question.

I picked up a broken shard of glass. "But does it bleed?" I slowly approached the featureless body and held my breath as I sat down next to it and pressed my fragment of glass to its pale skin. My blood red lips slowly parted, revealing ivory white teeth, as an equally red liquid trickled down the equally white skin.

"Mom I'm so happy for you!" Hoshi hugged me tightly and smiled brightly, but I could tell something was distracting her. She had a far off look in her eyes.

"What's the matter?" I stood and gently caressed her grave looking face.

"Oh, it's nothing." She tried to cover things up with a smile, but I wasn't fooled. My face must have showed this because she nodded solemnly and continued. "It's just that I'm worried about Lucifer. He left early this morning and I don't know where he is. He left a note, but it was really quite vague, and he didn't say specifically when he would be back, and…well, you know. I'm really worried about him."

My arms surrounded her and I patted her on the back reassuringly. "Why don't you go look for him? He couldn't have gone too far, and I'm sure it will make you feel better if you're out looking rather than just sitting here feeling worried and useless."

Her smile assured me that my words had been comforting enough and that I had consoled her adequately. "Thanks Mom. I'll do that." With a smile in her eyes she headed out on the town to search.

I returned to my investigation of my new body. It was beautiful. It had no features yet, so it looked nothing like me, but that was how they all were at first. Once my soul was put inside, then it would take my form. I couldn't help but smile as I thought of how I had finally made it out of the woods after so many years. I would finally be able to go back to my life.

"It's down here." The background noise faded back in and I heard Faust and Anna coming down the stairs to examine the body further.

"Good morning Miss Ivy. You look wonderful today." Dr. Faust greeted.

"Why thank you." I was equally pleasant back to him. "You look rather well yourself."

"I wouldn't say that." He smiled and turned to appraise the body. "It could take an hour or two to completely check this thing, so why don't you go somewhere Ivy? I do believe that it's almost time for your and Hao's date, isn't?" He winked teasingly as I wondered how he knew. "Hao left a little while ago saying he was going ahead of time and that he would meet you at The Moon and Stars Café and Bakery."

I nodded and started on my way upstairs to change. I didn't want to go on a date with Hao in my red tank top and black capris. The phone rang and I jumped at the sudden noise. I was closest, so I picked it up. "Hello. Funbari Onsen. Ivy speaking; how may I help you?"

"Ivy, it's Hao." His voice was tear-laced, and his tone made my heart stop beating and my blood freeze in my veins. "We'll have to reschedule our date. I'm at St. Lucy, Patron of Eyes Hospital. Get here as fast as you can; it's Thorn."